Sorry, You're Not Invited...

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FutureJessicaFr... Posts : 7 Registered: 9/22/08
Sorry, You're Not Invited...
Posted: May 25, 2009 2:13 PM

I have so many friends I want to invite to my wedding, but I can't because my fiance and I are on a very strict budget. How can I politely tell those who are invited not to mention it to those who aren't, and what should I do about those who aren't? Should I send them a note saying that I wish they could be there, or just not say anything unless asked? confused

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Knoxvegas Posts : 951 Registered: 9/12/07
Re: Sorry, You're Not Invited...
Posted: May 25, 2009 2:46 PM Go to message in response to: FutureJessicaFr...

Don't talk about the wedding to those who are not invited. I would invite groups of friends, not individuals from a group. That leads to hurt feelings really easily. Do not mention it unless asked or it can come off as really mean.

 

"Love is not a matter of counting the years -- it's making the years count."

-Wolfman Jack Smith

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Sorry, You're Not Invited...
Posted: May 25, 2009 3:41 PM Go to message in response to: FutureJessicaFr...

Don't say a word about it unless you're asked. If someone asks you directly, give them an honest answer. If you don't want to say 'You're not invited,' then say something like, 'Please don't save the date. We're still finalizing the guest list, but we know it will be a small wedding with mostly family.'

Also, avoid talking about the wedding in front of people who will not be invited. If they ask about your wedding plans, be vague and brief. Don't give them a detailed account of exactly where and when the wedding will take place - they might save the date, based on that info, and later guilt trip you about it. It's best to be as vague as possible. When they ask when your wedding will be, say, 'In the summer' or 'July' rather than 'July 22nd at 2:00 at St Michael's church.'

Start spreading the word that you are having a small wedding. That way, no one will be totally caught off-guard when they do not receive an invitation - and those that do will be pleasantly surprised.

I think it's fine to informally ask your invited friends to keep the wedding talk quiet, but realize that your uninvited friends will EVENTUALLY realize that they're not invited - and they'll probably find out that other friends were invited. So it's fine to quietly ask your invited friends to be tactful when talking about the wedding, but I wouldn't expect that to solve any problems. As I said, the uninvited people will eventually find out that they're not invited. Still, there's no reason to tell them so unless they ask.

That said, here's my experience with all that. None of our closest friends ever assumed that they were invited. I can't tell you how many times I said the words, 'Don't be stupid - of COURSE you're invited!' The only people who assumed that they'd be invited - or worse, insisted that we invite them (which we ignored) - were people with whom we're out of touch. The person who was most adamant that we HAD to invite her to our wedding was a girl that we were friends with 9 years ago. We ran into her in our parents' town the Xmas before our wedding and she got all fake-excited and insisted that we invite her. Mind you, we haven't been friends with this girl in 9 years, or even seen or talked to her in 5 or 6. Why on earth would we invite her? So we just ignored that, and we haven't seen her since. There were several other situations like this, though this was the most extreme. So my experience is that the people you REALLY want there will be understanding and won't assume that they're invited, while those that you never even thought of inviting will probably make a big deal over it. But if you never thought of inviting them, it doesn't matter if they get mad at you for it, does it?


DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Sorry, You're Not Invited...
Posted: May 25, 2009 5:42 PM Go to message in response to: FutureJessicaFr...

Dear Jessica,

You cannot tell your friends what to do.

What you can do is not talk about the wedding in front of uninvited people. Don't give them any kind of inkling they will be invited.

When invited people ask about the wedding (as they legitimately will), just mention that it will be a small wedding along with the usual info about formality, location, expected weather, etc.

There is no need to ever apologize to anyone for doing something within your budget. You are having the wedding you can afford; hold your head high.

If anyone presses you on the subject, a graceful "out" would be something like this:

"Our wedding has to be smaller than we would like. Note: no reasons given. Not their business. However, we have hopes for a grand and glorious fifth anniversary party in the future."

That gets them off your back. For a while. Then, if your "ship comes in", plan a grand and glorious fifth (tenth, twenty-fifth) anniversary party and invite loads of people.

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FutureMrsDJLeo Posts : 615 Registered: 2/26/09
Re: Sorry, You're Not Invited...
Posted: May 25, 2009 8:33 PM Go to message in response to: FutureJessicaFr...

I think you've been given great advice, but I wanted to add is that you may find those who are uninvited may be pretty understanding. My wedding is a year away, and I have had people who aren't on my guestlist, and probably won't be added on, already ask me if their invited. I politely explain to them that were on budget and we have to keep the numbers down, and I've found they've been really understanding. Same thing for guests bring plus one's. I'm not sure what were going to do about plus one's yet, when I originally added them in it was at least 30 people, and that wasn't for everyone! Some of my friends have asked about bringing guests and I just explain I don't think I'm going to be able to afford it, and they understand. A lot of people don't get how expensive a wedding is. One of my BM thought I was inviting everyone until I told her how much a head it costs, then she mentioned how I'll get the money back anyways because people usually give cash gifts, and I explained to her how that still probably won't even break even, and she completely understood. Anyways, my point, once people realize how expensive weddings are they are usually pretty understanding. You don't have to go into your budget or finances with everyone, I don't think that's really business to tell everyone and everyone, but hopefully your friends will understand. Also, just make sure to not talk about the wedding in front of them or to them, I know it's exciting and hard not to, but that will only make them think they are getting an invite.

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Korina Posts : 11 Registered: 12/16/08
Re: Sorry, You're Not Invited...
Posted: May 25, 2009 10:35 PM Go to message in response to: FutureJessicaFr...

I am on a very tight budget and i understand that somtimes you just can't invite everyone that you initually thought would be invited....here is what i did, i sent out a note telling all of those who i could not affored to go to my wedding that i am getting married and that i am on a tight budget. Then i also added that in a couple of months when i get settled in with my hubbie i will have a party at my house that will be very casual and B.Y.O.B haha. Well anyway hope this works and only true frineds will undersand those who dont probabaly aren't your real frined anyway and you dont need them... im sure you are a very nice person and dont deserve to be treated that way.

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newsjunkie Posts : 3,417 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Sorry, You're Not Invited...
Posted: May 26, 2009 5:47 PM Go to message in response to: FutureJessicaFr...

Jessica, someone asked a similar question so I will give you the same advice I gave her!

Can you imagine ever asking anyone if they were going to invite you to their wedding? That is just so rude! However, it happens and I did anticipate people expecting/assuming (if not outright asking) they would be invited to mine so from the moment I told people I was engaged I would mention something about how we are going to do something different that was small and just with family. Of course I did invite a few friends but they were of the type that may as well be family we are so close. I only had a couple of problems (but in those situations there was more to the story than just not being invited to my wedding) but otherwise it went really well. I really think a good offense is key.

Also, the definition of a "small" wedding isn't set in stone so as long as you aren't going to have 500 people and then go show the non-invited guests your wedding pics you should be OK.

Good luck!

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Gypsy27 Posts : 3 Registered: 5/31/09
Re: Sorry, You're Not Invited...
Posted: May 31, 2009 10:50 PM Go to message in response to: newsjunkie

I am having the same dilemma. I work in a rather large medical lab. There is a small group of ladies that weren't thrilled when I got engaged and gawked at everything to do with my wedding planning. I started to spread the word that it was going to be a very small wedding with family and a few close friends. Well, one very sarcastic co-worker asked me in front of everyone: "So, am I invited?" then she started saying to everyone (including myself): "She's not inviting us!". I never told her that she was not invited, all I said was that it was going to be very small. I don't really care if she feels left out, but I don't want my other co-workers to feel that way :(

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Sorry, You're Not Invited...
Posted: May 31, 2009 10:57 PM Go to message in response to: Gypsy27

Dear Gypsy,

Just keep mum about the wedding plans while at work. Eventually they'll find someone else to torment when they see it has no effect on you.

I know what it's like to work with people like that. They are like a dog with a bone. They just can't let it go.

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Gypsy27 Posts : 3 Registered: 5/31/09
Re: Sorry, You're Not Invited...
Posted: Jun 2, 2009 12:21 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

You are so right Aunt! Some people really need to grow up. Good advice :)

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HappilyNgaged Posts : 1 Registered: 8/23/09
Re: Sorry, You're Not Invited...
Posted: Aug 23, 2009 12:42 PM Go to message in response to: FutureJessicaFr...

I'm having the same problem. Due to space restrictions and budgetary requirements, we can have no more than 20 people invited to our wedding. My problem is if I invite spouses of friends (people I hardly even know and doubt they would even care to be there) then that means I can't invite friends I've known for 15 years. Honestly if I could afford more people, I would!

I know etiquette dictates I HAVE to invite spouses, but I feel that is unfair to my good friends that I'd prefer to be there than random spouses. What do you all think?

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Sorry, You're Not Invited...
Posted: Aug 23, 2009 1:53 PM Go to message in response to: HappilyNgaged

Not inviting spouses really is an etiquette no-no. If they're random spouses that you don't even know, maybe they don't want to know you either, so they won't attend!

I suggest that you change your plans to accomodate more people. "Space restrictions" on more than 20 people mean that perhaps you should change the space. As far as budgetary restrictions go, have something really simple---serve cake and champagne or punch and let everyone go home. If you wish to have dinner later with a few nearest and dearest, then do so.
myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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MrsJDtobe Posts : 159 Registered: 2/15/09
Re: Sorry, You're Not Invited...
Posted: Aug 23, 2009 4:16 PM Go to message in response to: myra

My fiance is a cop who works in a very close knit department. Small town county cops talk...a lot. It's so hard on my fiance when people talk about the wedding in front of others who are not invited. So he plays up the fact that we are on a tight budget. Another annoyance was guests calling aquaintances saying "hey, did you get their wedding invitation yet? I did." (to people who we did not invite!) After that, my fiance was getting text messages (tacky!) asking whether or not their invite was mailed...UGH! I just figured I invited who I had to and everyone else can ust suck it up. In this economy no one has bottomless pockets able to invite everyone he or she has ever said "hi" to. I've learned (the hard way) not to stress and just say "I'd love to invite everyone I know, but our guest list is limited to family".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On October 11, 2009, my cop will forever be cuffed to my heart ;-)

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