thoughts on redundancy of proposals

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Tofu Posts : 66 Registered: 4/2/09
thoughts on redundancy of proposals
Posted: May 24, 2009 11:14 PM

Hi everyone,
I am bringing this up more as a point of discussion than anything else. I think there are some great opinions on this board that I really value hearing and I am curious to hear some on this topic.

My boyfriend and I have been ring shopping. He will be proposing sometime in the fall. Having decided we are going to get married, and knowing what the ring will look like, and when he will be proposing, there is not much in the way of surprise left. While I am happy to give my BF his moment if proposing is important to him, a formal proposal in some ways feels staged because we have already agreed to get married and even have a tentative date picked out. It is the commitment we've made that really excites me, and I don't really feel that him "asking" me even makes sense at this point.

For couples who skipped the formal or official proposal, was it a natural progression or did you actually discuss that a proposal was not necessary? For those who were as in the loop as I am, how did the proposal work out? I am a tad concerned I won't have this big teary reaction because it won't take me by surprise. I would still obviously be elated, but I almost feel like the moment has passed, if that makes any sense, because I already know we are getting engaged.

I am just curious how this played out for other couples.



amberstar Posts : 38 Registered: 6/17/06
Re: thoughts on redundancy of proposals
Posted: May 25, 2009 1:11 PM Go to message in response to: Tofu

Hi-my fiance and i were in a similar situation- we have been together for 9 years and have been talking about marriage for a long time- we knew we wanted to be together- he never actually asked will you marry me, he decided he was ready and thats all i needed- we picked out the ring together a few days later- i really dont like being the center of attention, so this was perfect for me- i am getting married to the man that i love and thats all the matters to me- best of luck!!



ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: thoughts on redundancy of proposals
Posted: May 25, 2009 2:40 PM Go to message in response to: Tofu

Do whatever you want. If you don't think a formal proposal is necessary, there's no reason to do it. If your BF wants to have his moment, don't worry about your reaction. Contrary to what the movies would have us believe, not everybody cries or screams when they get engaged. I sure didn't.

We had discussed getting married several years before we got engaged. I explained that I wanted to get to a certain point (in my career/education) before getting engaged or married, and DH agreed. When I started getting close to that point, DH picked out my ring. I didn't pick mine out, like you did, but he told me that he had and I knew that he was waiting until I officially reached the point we had previously discussed.

Nonetheless, the proposal was a complete surprise. I expected him to plan something elaborate, as he's that kind of guy and I knew he wanted to make it a big deal. He had a plan, but I screwed it up by wanting to do something different on the day he was planning on asking. Several days later, he just asked me spontaneously. I was printing the first draft of my dissertation (that was the point I wanted to wait for) and he asked me to close my eyes. My mind couldn't have been farther from proposals at the time, so I happily closed my eyes without suspecting a thing. I distinctly remember leaning back in my chair and putting my feet up on my computer desk as I heard him looking for something in the bedroom. Then he said something (funny I remember that my feet were up on the desk, but I don't remember what he was saying) that made me think, "Oh - my - God! He's proposing - right now!" Somehow I ended up taking my feet off the desk and opening my eyes, but my mind of reeling with the surprise and I didn't hear a word he said. So I was just sitting there grinning stupidly, waiting for him to say 'Will you marry me?' - which he had apparently ALREADY SAID - and he finally asked again and my brain kicked back into gear and reminded me that some sort of reaction was necessary. That was it - no tears, no screaming, nothing like that. That's just not my style.

So from my experience, a proposal can be expected, yet still a total surprise. Even though the fact that he was proposing wasn't a surprise, the time and way he asked was a total surprise. And I wouldn't pressure yourself to give him some sort of huge fake reaction. Even though you're expecting it, I'm sure you won't be able to keep the smile off your face. And if you're the type that cries over that sort of thing, you just might spill a tear or two, despite knowing the proposal was coming.

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Re: thoughts on redundancy of proposals
Posted: May 25, 2009 2:48 PM Go to message in response to: amberstar

I was in that situation almost exactly.

My fiance and I have been together for almost 5 yrs. bought our first house together last yr but have been living together for 4 yrs. So it was obviously one of our families and our discussions of marriage in the future. We had always talked about getting married and we knew that it was in our future. Around year 3, I started getting anxious and bugging him. We agreed that we would buy a house first then talk about marriage. If we could be together that long and go through the process of house buying, we could do well with marriage. Last year I bugged him everyday and he always told me that we couldnt afford it, that we had to be settled in the house first. Everytime someone would ask, the reply he gave them was, you pay the ring and ill propose to her. It was always about the money. Last summer i was looking through a catalogue and pointed out a ring i really liked, baffled he said he didnt expect that to be the ring I would like. So he wanted to go ring shopping to see what I would like, that way we were on the same page. We went ring shopping, ended up custom making my own ring (so I thought). 6 months later, still no proposal. we agreed to get married in Jamaica and we needed a yr to plan so we agreed that we would be engaged by March 2009 to be married by April 2010. So i picked out my ring, knew when I was getting engaged and already had the wedding planned and still no ring.
It was christmas and we went to his families house for Pollyanna and christmas dinner. The question AGAIN came up when we were getting married and he replied yet again, the money. Needless to say, he proposed that night in front of his entire family ( 3 months before our agreed time of proposal) with a completely different yet beautiful ring then i had originally picked out. It was basically the same design just a little different and BIGGER =)
Your time will come, guys like to suprise, plans NEVER ever go as planned, so sit back, relax and enjoy what amazing man you have =)

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BrideJay Posts : 63 Registered: 3/3/09
Re: thoughts on redundancy of proposals
Posted: May 25, 2009 2:52 PM Go to message in response to: Tofu

The "Surprise Proposal" is a relatively new concept, which was actually created by De Beers (I believe). It isn't an ancient or religious tradition or anything, so there's really no reason for you to feel like it needs to happen or that your proposal is going to be less exciting/special without the element of surprise.

Look at your engagement as a decision that you and your FH are making... and if you take the opportunity (ring shopping... learning about diamonds... etc.) to bond with each other, then that is just as beautiful as a man going out on his own and doing it as a surprise.

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JJsWifey08 Posts : 272 Registered: 12/5/08
Re: thoughts on redundancy of proposals
Posted: May 25, 2009 3:39 PM Go to message in response to: Tofu

My DH actually proposed to me without a ring. That was the most beautiful part about it all. It was unexpected. Then I chose the ring out myself and when he got it he just said I love you and slipped it on. No biggie about surprise proposals
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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: thoughts on redundancy of proposals
Posted: May 25, 2009 8:17 PM Go to message in response to: Tofu

My FH and I talked about marriage for about a year before he proposed. A month before he proposed we went ring shopping together. I picked out the ring. We agreed that he will give me the ring as a Christmas present. I couldn't wait until I finally was engaged and had the ring on my finger. Christmas Day came and I knew it was coming!! The entire time we were exchanging gifts my heart was pounding because the moment was coming. Finally when he pulled out a small black box I knew the time was here! I started to get teary eyed but I stopped and I acted very giggly instead lol. The moment he proposed and held my ring and asked, "will you marry me?" felt wonderful! Even though I knew it was coming and what the ring looked liked I still was surprised and happy! It felt great to finally wear the ring and start planning and finally we got to tell our family and friends. So I think you will react the same way. Even though you know it's coming I think that you will be very excited once he proposes! :)


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BenjaminsWife Posts : 1,069 Registered: 1/11/07
Re: thoughts on redundancy of proposals
Posted: Jun 3, 2009 11:09 AM Go to message in response to: Tofu

After the first couple dates I knew DH was the one I wanted to marry. We were together for 2 years and one night we decided to go look at rings and couple weeks later we went to buy the e-ring. And 2 days later he got on his knee and proposed. It was simple and sweet.

Married 9.20.08




MrsS2010 Posts : 336 Registered: 5/25/09
Re: thoughts on redundancy of proposals
Posted: Jun 4, 2009 10:55 PM Go to message in response to: BenjaminsWife

I knew I was going to marry my bf before we even started dating. Before I can even honestly say that I paid much attention to him as anything but this awesome cute guy friend that can make me laugh for days. So once it dawned on me that this was the guy, everything else that followed was just common sense in my head. I knew we had to be together it was such a sure feeling. He told me he loved me before he even "officialy" asked me to be his gf (well actualy I made him ask so that we can have an official "date" for when we started lol). He knew I'd say yes, obviously. And now we know, like you, when we want to get married (roughly), I know that if we are to get married when we want to get married that he would have to propose by a certain time, and I know he has my ring somewhere already. So no, I probably wont be in complete shock either when he asks!! Not much of a crier either so that probably wont happen. But I know that he wants his"moment" he can go right ahead and have it :) But I just cant seem to bring myself to actualy "do" anything besides look around and get ideas (and sign up for hehe) till the ring is on my finger...I guess it'll feel more official then??


wzq103 Posts : 1,190 Registered: 9/11/12
Re: thoughts on redundancy of proposals
Posted: Sep 13, 2012 6:52 PM Go to message in response to: Tofu

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swichwang34 Posts : 657 Registered: 9/13/12
Re: thoughts on redundancy of proposals
Posted: Sep 15, 2012 8:35 PM Go to message in response to: Tofu

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