trouble in paradise

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newnew1 Posts : 4 Registered: 4/10/06
trouble in paradise
Posted: May 21, 2009 10:19 PM

Ok, here's the scoop.

Pre-engagement: no problems. No fighting. No honeymoon stage, really--don't get me wrong, we are completely in love, but total realists. Here is the problem

His family.

They are...well, different from me and what I was expecting. This never really got brought up until the engagement. I love my family and we are very close, and I was expecting to be just as close with my future husband's family. I love to vacation with my family and my mother is my best friend; in addition to these things, I speak with my father numerous times weekly. Again, I love my family and they are my friends as well. That is why it is so hard to accept not being super close with my fiance's family.

Their house in unclean and they are seemingly lazy people; for instance, the mother stays home and yet there is constant distress in the house--laundry loads undone, home projects unfinished (MAJOR home projects...) unsanitary odors...etc. I do not feel comfortable going over there.

I feel that they have ruined my idea of "dream family." In other situations, I have never had this problem. I do not expect them to be perfect or just like me--differences make things fun!! But this family is just too much, and I have expressed how much the stress gets to me when going over there. We have talked about it and while he understands, they are still his family..
help, please. Is it too late?
--want family to be more than family, also friends


adrigirl01 Posts : 287 Registered: 10/2/08
Re: trouble in paradise
Posted: May 22, 2009 4:29 AM Go to message in response to: newnew1

Is it too late for what? To have a good relationship with them? I don't know. They have to want a good relationship too. Are they good people? Do they love you and treat you well? If so, and you don't feel like you have a good relationship, I don't know what more you could ask. So their house is a bit messy. Perhaps it's not your ideal situation, but it doesn't have to be because it's not your house. Don't let it stress you out. You don't live there. If it's the cleanliness factor that makes you feel less close you need to examine those feelings. I can understand not wanting to be in a dirty/messy environment, but that shouldn't affect a relationship like that. Maybe instead of visiting over there, you should suggest on family outings that would allow you to spend time with them and away from the sanitary conditions that so upset you.


CoutureBride27 Posts : 130 Registered: 5/5/09
Re: trouble in paradise
Posted: May 22, 2009 6:25 AM Go to message in response to: newnew1

What actually scares me is the fact that you might think that something like differences in your families could make things too late for you two! Surely you don't expect your habits and experiences to be the same? It has been shown that people from completely different backgrounds are excellent matches in marriage. One thing before you get married, is to accept these differences and realise you can't change others if they don't want to change!

A thought to ponder on ... how do you think it makes him feel when you clearly dislike his family, and also express your feelings? How would you feel if he felt so strongly about your parents, in a negative manner?

To also say they've shattered your idea of a dream family is a bit extreme don't you think? Perhaps you are spending too much time thinking about the bad and negative things, instead of looking for the good in them, regardless of how small it may be. I'm not saying you have to become best friends with them, nor agree with the way they live, but it's not your life. If you plan on getting married to this man, they will ultimately become your parents-in-law, you will have to learn to respect them, to love them as they are, even though you don't agree with their lifestyle!

Cherish all your happy moments:  they make a fine cushion for old age.

**Christopher Morley**


kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: trouble in paradise
Posted: May 22, 2009 7:14 AM Go to message in response to: newnew1

What does the mother's housekeeping skills or lack have to do with getting along with the family. If she doesn't clean her house so what it is her house. If it is a problem get her a cleaning service. If projects aren't done do them. If will be taken care of no more stress.

In the real world people come from different backgrounds, they are not all alike and good for that. If you want to marry somebody with the exact same background as you I suggest you keep looking. I am sure he is out there.




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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: trouble in paradise
Posted: May 22, 2009 7:41 AM Go to message in response to: newnew1

You are marrying your fiance, NOT his family. If they are nice people and treat you well and love you then who cares what their house looks like! No one is perfect. How would you like it if your fiance always complained about YOUR family? I'm sure you wouldn't like it.

Also, I know you want to have a close relationship with his family like you do with yours but it's ok if that doesn't happen. Not everyone has a close relationship with their in-laws. As long as they accept you it's fine. Just because they may not want a close relationship doesn't mean that they are bad people. Give them a chance and as time goes on maybe you all will be close, and if not then that's ok.

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FALLbrideINLOVE Posts : 1,056 Registered: 3/30/07
Re: trouble in paradise
Posted: May 22, 2009 8:22 AM Go to message in response to: newnew1

there is no dream family. create an enviroment for your husband and yourself that you are comfortable in. keep your visits to the family home minimal. invite them over your place or go out when catching up. don't judge your fh by his family's actions, if he strives for better give him credit where credit is due. i think that all people have flaws and i would greatly respect someone more for standing by the ones they love even if those people are not "perfect".

if you have a great guy and you love each other what more can you need? you two will create your own lifestyle together.


His4life Posts : 117 Registered: 4/7/09
Re: trouble in paradise
Posted: May 22, 2009 5:30 PM Go to message in response to: newnew1

It doesn't sound like you listed anything about their personalities being off based.... it sounds like you are just irritated at how they live (in what you describe as a dirty house)... I don't understand why you can't have a relationship with them. Is there something more? Do they not like you?


ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: trouble in paradise
Posted: May 22, 2009 10:34 PM Go to message in response to: newnew1

What's your question? I don't get it.

So you're not crazy about his family? So what? If you love this man, suck it up and deal with it. So he doesn't have the ideal family. So your FILs aren't the picture-perfect ILs you'd imagined. So what? Is this actually a deal breaker for you?

My ILs don't keep their house as clean as I'm used to, either - and my standards are fairly lax. However, they're busy, they're old, and heck - a lot of the time, they just don't feel up to keeping up with it. Whenever DH and I visit, the first thing we do is start cleaning up, help them with yardwork, etc, etc. They really appreciate the help, and we're more comfortable hanging out there if the house is reasonably clean. End of story. It doesn't make it difficult to have a relationship with them at all. It's just something to take into consideration whenever we visit: the first day we arrive, we know we'll spend the whole day cleaning.

Like I said, I'm not really sure what you're asking. If you're asking whether it's Ok to marry this guy, and then never see his family, the answer is no. If you're asking whether you'll be able to deal with having a less-than-best-friends relationship with his parents, the answer is yes. There are plenty of people in the world with whom you have casual, yet cordial relationships: this will be the same. If you're asking whether you should not marry your FH because of his parents, I think that's a ridiculous thing to consider. In this case, anyway. If his parents were crazy and he was close with them, I might give different advice, but in this case....occasionally sitting in or helping clean a dirty house doesn't seem like too big a price to pay to marry the one you love.

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: trouble in paradise
Posted: May 22, 2009 11:32 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

Art - How you are you actually want a question? I mean really...

Anyhow, I'm totally with the PP's.





PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: trouble in paradise
Posted: May 22, 2009 11:32 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

Art - How dare you - you actually want a question? I mean really...

Anyhow, I'm totally with the PP's.

Edited by: PharmToxGirl on May 22, 2009 11:49 PM


CantWait2BMrsW Posts : 31 Registered: 2/13/09
Re: trouble in paradise
Posted: May 23, 2009 9:47 AM Go to message in response to: newnew1


1.) Do not assume by an unclean house that someone is lazy.

2.) I am a mother and although I do not get to stay home with my son, I work much harder on my days off "work".
Here is an example of my day off "work" yesterday:
-Child gets up at 7:00am, change diaper, feed him breakfast, change diaper again and dress child
-Brush my hair, brush my teeth, wash my face, get dressed while child is removing all toys from his toy box.
-Play with child, read books, take child for a walk, come home, feed child a snack and juice
-Change diaper and change juice stained shirt
-Nap time
-Clean up all toys, sweep and swiffer kitchen floor, wash breakfast dishes and sippy cups, throw in a load of laundry, fold the load that was in the dryer, wash the greasy hand prints from my front door, clean bathroom, take a shower
-Child is up from nap
-Change diaper, feed child lunch, pick up the shells and cheese he just threw all over my newly swiffered floor, run downstairs to change the loads of laundry, while downstairs(for maybe 2 mins) child opened fridge and helped himself to FH's half filled can of mountain dew that is spilled on my couch and all over him, clean couch while toy box is being emptied again, change shirt, change diaper
-Go grocery shopping, come home, what the hell is that smell??? ooops it's the poop diaper from this morning, take out trash.
-FH is home, talk about his/my day, make dinner, feed child, eat dinner, FH goes to mow the grass and water my flowers
-Give child bath, put on childs PJ's, read child 6 books and put child to bed.
-Spend 45 minutes watching TV with FH, gotta go to sleep to get up at 5:30am for "work", FH puts toys back in toy box, I get uniform ready for morning, FH packs my lunch :)
-Oh shit we didn't clean up dinner dishes and finish that other load of laundry. No way we are doing it now................
If you came to visit during this time my house IS a mess! I already cleaned today sorry you missed it. Am I lazy? No Exhausted? Yes

3.) Major home projects dare they in an economic boom like this one?

4.) Please come to reality, there is no such thing as a "dream family". I love my family more than anything in this world and we disagree sometimes but we move forward together, as a family.

5.) Accept them for your FH. They are and always be will a part of his life. You don't need to be best friends but you need to be friendly and cordial.

6.) Is every member of his family's house dirty? What stresses you out, the cleanliness of their house? Maybe you could lend a helping hand.

7.) You need to let go of the judgements if your ever going to be friends with them. Invite them to your place more often or offer to take them out somewhere. Pack up some hambugers and hot dogs and go to a park, make dinner and hang out. There are lots of ways around this

Good luck!




myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: trouble in paradise
Posted: May 23, 2009 2:00 PM Go to message in response to: newnew1

I was expecting to be just as close with my future husband's family.

OP, it does not sounds like you are a very realistic person. They "ruined" your idea of the "perfect" family??? Get over it!! You've had a lifetime to come to terms with your own family. You've just met his. How could you possibly be "just as close" with this new family?

What does HE say about any of this? If you're engaged, you must know something about his own housekeeping and personal hygiene standards. Are they objectionable to you? If so, you can see where it comes from and guess that this is something you will have to deal with for a long, long time. But, if HE is neat and clean, why worry about his family's house? So, you won't let your future kids eat off their floors. So what?

The only explanation I can think of for your dismay is that you have far understated the disarray in their house--that they're kind of pathological in the mess and dirt. If this is not the case, then back off. Invite them over to your place or your family's, or meet them outside for a day of fun.

myra at


BenjaminsWife Posts : 1,069 Registered: 1/11/07
Re: trouble in paradise
Posted: May 23, 2009 4:20 PM Go to message in response to: newnew1

I know exactly how you feel. You are describing my IL's perfectly. When I met DH, I expected to get along with his family thinking they were like mine...

That didnt happen.

DH had to go there last weekend and clean out some of his old stuff. He saw rats in the garage and yet his parents didnt care. He flat out told his parents that he wasnt bringing me over there again until they clean up their house.

I've given up. At least DH and I have learned from it so now we know what kind of family we want be when we have our own kids.

One more thing...I always joke with him and ask why I couldn't have a MIL like Paula Deen. LOL!

Married 9.20.08




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