Would you ask these girls to be BM?

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Nov2009Girl Posts : 1 Registered: 5/16/09
Would you ask these girls to be BM?
Posted: May 16, 2009 9:40 PM

I am getting ready to ask people to be in the wedding party and I am a little nervous after all the horror stories I have read about BM drama. In addition to the BM I have already chosen, I have two more I am unsure about. Here is the info:

Choice #1

Pros: Friend for many years, introduced me and FI, seemed very excited and eager to be involved when I announced our engagement

Cons: Lives far away and is already in a wedding less than a month before ours (potential issue with time off, cost of flights, amount of time/energy she will have, etc.), somewhat unpredictable (sometimes goes MIA for awhile, usually very laidback but can cause some drama when she feels like it)

Choice #2

Pros: Friend for many years, has always been there when I needed her, very dependable

Cons: Has two young children and money and time are both tight, seems very overwhelmed by her personal family stuff right now (her first concern was that the wedding would be around the same time as her son's b-day party)

So my concern is: #1 would be a really gung-ho bridesmaid, but might be flaky/MIA with another wedding less than a month before ours and #2 would be dependable, but just might not be very into it with family and money stuff

I like these girls a lot and they have both been good friends to me, but my cons make me hesitate in asking them. So what would you do? Would you ask one/both/neither of these girls to be BM?


auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Would you ask these girls to be BM?
Posted: May 16, 2009 10:45 PM Go to message in response to: Nov2009Girl

Dear Nov,

All else being equal, I wouldn't ask someone unless I was 100% sure they were ready, willing and able to do everything involved.


jkbride Posts : 19 Registered: 2/11/09
Re: Would you ask these girls to be BM?
Posted: May 16, 2009 11:26 PM Go to message in response to: Nov2009Girl

If i were you, I will not ask them (both) to be my BM.
How many BMs you have chosen so far? If you already have a few, i think it's enough. I have heard too many horrible things about BMs. So, I do believe that "less BMs, less stress, less drama, and more happy" :P





CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Would you ask these girls to be BM?
Posted: May 17, 2009 9:05 AM Go to message in response to: Nov2009Girl

I'm split on how to respond.

Response A: If you have to ask a board of strangers if you should ask someone to be a Bridesmaid, the answer is probably "no"

Response B: You could ask them and tell BM Choice #1: "I know you're in a wedding less than a month before mine, and you do not live nearby. But I wanted to ask if you would be one of my bridesmaids. If you can't, I will understand and respect that. I just thought you should know what your friendship has meant to me." She might say yes and she might say no. She might not be able to get off work or afford two weddings in such a short period and that is ultimately HER decision. HOWEVER, if you focus on the other bits: She sometimes goes MIA for a while. Why? She lives far off so you don't always know what's going on in her world. There could be stressors that make her step back when she gets home and hang out in her privacy cave. On the other hand, she might be the kind of woman who vanishes when she gets a man in her life and then resurfaces when he's out of it again. Knowing the reason for the MIA would be an important factor for the decision. Stressors, sure, take her. Man? Do not take the risk. She might find a man and go MIA around the wedding. You also mention she's fairly laid back but can cause drama when she feels like it. This person sounds a little risky.

Bridesmaid choice #2: She sounds like she would probably be willing to help you out, but the type of commitment you're looking for would be rough for her. You could ameliorate it by not picking out specific bridesmaid dresses....pick a color, fabric, and length and let your maids finds something in that. (That's what I did. I picked a 'dress" at Davids that was in the color, fabric, length I wanted, but told them they were welcome to get a dress whereever they wanted. I made it easy by picking Black so I didn't have to worry about 'shades' and 'variations' and interpretations of orange or blue or teal. Black is pretty set.)

My maids are all out of town and have never met one another. I do not expect a bridal shower, though we'll do something Thursday night (like DVDs and popcorn). Your expectations of your maid's duties will pretty much set who you can pick. Do you expect them to buy a dress and show up on wedding day? You're good. Do you expect them to accompany you on dress shopping expeditions, and vendor visits and bridal shows, plan a bridal shower, etc? These ladies will not be able to do that.

So.... what do you want from them? That's going to determine who you can ask.



ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Would you ask these girls to be BM?
Posted: May 17, 2009 1:30 PM Go to message in response to: Nov2009Girl

I think it depends on what you want/expect from your BMs.

Personally, I just wanted my BMs to show up at the wedding on time and dressed in the appropriate clothing. If they could make it to the rehearsal and RD, great. If not, no big deal - walking down the aisle doesn't require much rehearsing. If they could make it to the shower, great. If not, no big deal. If they wanted to plan a BP, fine. If not, no big deal. Essentially, all I expected of them was that they'd buy their gown and show up on the day of the wedding.

If your attitude is the same as mine, I think it would be fine to ask these two girls - but when you ask them, tell them that you understand that they have time/money limitations and you will not be offended if they chose to drop out of the WP and attend the wedding as guests. Later, when it comes time to order dresses, chose the dress in plenty of time for them to save the money to buy it - or better yet, just chose a color and designer and let them chose their own (and choose their own price). Be sure to give them plenty of notice, give all your BMs a deadline of when they need to order their dress, and gently remind all BMs (don't nag - but remind them nicely several times) of the approaching deadline. If they haven't ordered their gowns a week before the deadline, revisit the 'I understand if you can't be in the wedding,' and remind them that the deadline is firm and that they can't be in the wedding unless they order their gowns by X date. Then follow through on it.

That said, I was a very laid-back bride, and I generally find that most people around here expect far more from their BMs than I did. So if you expect your BMs to plan parties, help you with wedding stuff, be available any time at a moment's notice to talk wedding stuff with you, etc, etc - I would not ask these girls. The first is too busy and unreliable to be this kind of a BM for you, and the other has different priorities (as she should).

The point is that neither of these girls seem willing or able to be the sort of BM who helps the bride constantly and drops everything else in her life until your wedding is over. If that's what you want from your BMs, I wouldn't ask them. That said, if you don't care about the rest of that and just want your best friends standing with you on your wedding day, I'm sure either of them will be able to do that. Just keep their time/money considerations in mind when selecting gowns and try to be as flexible and empathetic as you can.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People


BBGF Posts : 66 Registered: 5/5/09
Re: Would you ask these girls to be BM?
Posted: May 18, 2009 3:09 AM Go to message in response to: Nov2009Girl

I would say ask your two friends to be BMs, but also let them know what you expect as your BMs. Also tell them that if they decline that you understand and won't be hurt. This takes you out off the fraying pan. What I am trying to say a lot of girls I know and work with have been in weddings close together and have made it worked and as for #2 let her decide whether if she can financially afford it or not. If they can then you have your girls. If they can't do it then move on and at least they won't be offend by you not asking them.

Let us showcase your unique style.


Elizabeth40245 Posts : 59 Registered: 5/11/09
Re: Would you ask these girls to be BM?
Posted: May 19, 2009 10:13 AM Go to message in response to: Nov2009Girl

I think everyone is right. First, it depends on what you expect. Secondly, when you ask them, definitely give them an "out' (ie, I understand if money/time is tight and you would rather attend as a guest.) Also, my MOH is in another wedding two weeks before mine, and she's making it work and being an awesome bridesmaid.


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