Freaking out rant (just a long BAWWW)

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ObjetTrouve Posts : 10 Registered: 7/15/08
Freaking out rant (just a long BAWWW)
Posted: May 11, 2009 8:43 AM

OK, so. My parents raised me as a tomboy because they honestly thought
it would be cheaper, and my mom was biased against so called "pretty
girly girls". Wonderful. I wore boy clothes throughout my childhood and
thought makeup was stupid until I was fifteen. My boyfriend in high
school taught me to wear makeup, and I did, even though I felt like my
mom would think I was a stupid beauty queen for it.

My parents are psychotically religious, they're members of the Gideons
and everywhere they go they're preaching to someone. I'm not the same
religion they are, so they think I'm going to hell. Nothing I can do
will ever make them proud in the slightest, because I'm just going to
hell so it won't matter if I get a good job, marry, have kids...it will
never be enough.

I'm a proud bisexual woman, and most of my friends (and most of my
wedding party) are GLBT. My maid of honor is MTF transexual, my
bridesmaids are bi, and Scott's groomsmen are three straight men and an
FTM transexual. Our minister is a pagan atheist who will wear a kilt. I
love this arrangement, but my parents told me they might not be able to
attend the whole reception because of these people, claiming "they
might all start making out when the drinking starts". Most of my GLBT
guests hardly even drink!!! The drinking will mostly be from his side-
a group of die hard Texan christians who happen to drink a lot. In
fact, my maid of honor is underage and doesn't drink at all.

This problem has mostly been resolved, as we decided we will probably
remove the children during the reception, but I still don't know if my
parents will just leave.

But now I have more fun problems. Guess what? I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT A
BRIDAL SHOWER IS! I'd never heard of one before Alex, my maid of honor,
told me she would throw one for me because I hadn't had one yet and she
didn't know why. I've felt GUILTY every time I've looked at anything
girly, and my mother has guilted me out of buying dresses because she
holds me to ridiculous financial standards based on my sister.

Ok, this will be fun. My sister had the stupidest wedding. No flowers,
the eisle was lined with what I can only assume was wax paper, her
dress was a 100 dollar clearance prom dress (that actually looked
pretty good though), her bridesmaids had to wear these gold shirts with
frilly arm things that made our bicep muscles look ginormous and skirts
that showed our underwear if we bent over and made a "zip zip" sound
when we walked, there were no flowers, the decorations fell off the
walls because they were just a zig zag strip of paper held together
with staples, the music was me singing acapella (seriously, she asked
me the NIGHT before the wedding! I hate that song, but it was the only
thing that went off without a hitch), and the preacher was an 80 year
old man who had just had a heart attack a week prior who called the
groom "the bride" and got their last name wrong when he announced them
(Preacher: "I introduce Mr. and Mrs. Mcdonald." Groom: "MCDANIELS!!!")

They honeymooned in a motel 8, then for real honeymooned in Colorado.

My sister is happy and that's all I care, but because her wedding was
so incredibly cheap, my mom expects me to match hers or go lower. My
sister spent almost 1000 on everything, so my parents will only give us
2000, and will get angry and scream if I go over 1000 (my sister's
bridesmaid dresses were going to be 150, and she yelled at her till she
bought the 50 dollar hideous things we had to wear instead). I'm
actually going to ask the mother of the groom to help because (and this
is so embarassing for me) she wants to because she doesn't think my
parents care about me, which they don't, because I'm just going to hell
and my "earthly happiness isn't important".

Now I've discovered that I made a lot of enemies back home in Texas and
maybe ten non-wedding party non-family people from my side will even
attend, and my dresses got discontinued while I was getting up the
courage to ask my mom for 300 dollars to go ahead and get them, so I'm
looking for more 100 dollar dresses.

I'm so tired. The wedding date got moved because my church can't do a
December wedding, so we're getting married in January. I need to find
out if I can change my first name when I change my last name when I get
married and I haven't even had time. I wanted to get liposuction to
help me get over my weight gain from medical issues, but how the hell
would I ever afford that?

I would elope, but his family will be there and we really want a
wedding. I want to finally get to do all those girly things I dreamed
about in secret so my mom wouldn't laugh at me or call me a stupid girl
and ask if I want to be in a beauty pageant. I want to make invitations
and try on my dress and hire strippers for my bachelorette party, but
instead I'm walking around wondering if my parents love me, or if I was
just the experiment they used to learn how to raise the other 7 kids.

You'd think I'd be crying about this, but I'm not crying, I'm not
hysterical, I'm angry, confused, I feel cheated, and I'm breaking
through layers of guilt heaped on over the years, just for liking shiny
things. Most of all though, I'm tired and want to go to bed. I haven't
been sleeping, I'm smoking too much and I wish I had time for a peace
ritual so I could slow down and think for half a second without getting
this angry.

I just want to get married, have a couple kids, get a kitten and a
beagle puppy, get a house, go to school, work as a sex therapist and
GLBT rights activist, and be the psycho liberal homeschooling mom who
makes her own clothes and worships Thor. I want to take my family to
the unitarian church and teach them love and respect, two things I
never learned. Right now, the wedding I've always dreamed of is turning
into an obstacle coarse I need to go through to get to that life.


Sorry for the bawfest. My question is, any advice? Words of comfort? Anything?

 

 

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Love is a crying baby mama warned you not to shake...

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Freaking out rant (just a long BAWWW)
Posted: May 11, 2009 2:55 PM Go to message in response to: ObjetTrouve

Well, there's lots of material here for years of therapy sessions, but I'll be brief and just deal with a couple of issues. You're not going to change your parents or their attitudes, and it doesn't sound much like you're about to conform to their standards, religious or otherwise. So, stop begging them for approval and, most of all, stop asking them for money if you don't want to have a wedding their way. As many women on this board surely will tell you, money comes with strings attached. If you don't want the strings, forget the money. None of the rest of what you've reported (your sister's wedding, your sexuality or that of your wedding party members, your weight gain, etc.) really has much to do with the biggest problem, which is cutting the umbilical cord and believing in yourself.
myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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Nalamienea Posts : 2,924 Registered: 6/13/08
Re: Freaking out rant (just a long BAWWW)
Posted: May 11, 2009 3:16 PM Go to message in response to: myra

I agree whole heartedly with Myra. I would CERTAINLY sign up to see a glbt friendly therapist as soon as you can because these things should really not be put off any longer - you need to work through them.

And just what Myra said again... you need to believe in yourself and your life style choice and not worry about your parents anymore. You're old enough to get married so it's time you be your own person and not set yourself up for disappointment by continuing to ask for your parents approval. If they leave, so what? I know it would hurt your feelings, but only because you're letting it. I think it's obvious that your parents are the ones missing out.

As far as lyposuction and dresses and flowers... just remember that all those things dont' matter. Do all your girls own cute black party dresses? Let them wear those and call it a day! I think you SHOULD get together with your MOH (a great friend it sounds like) and go try on frilly dresses as much as you like! The $99 Davids Bridal sale is going on right now I think, so go see what's there! Do you have a great farmer's market close to you? I bet you could get some great fresh cut flowers there for next to nothin'. There are so many ideas out there on how to have a great budget wedding ( I know, I did mine for about $3000). :)

Most of all: Good luck!

 

IMG_7463.jpg picture by sarahandchris2008

10/26/08 

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ObjetTrouve Posts : 10 Registered: 7/15/08
Re: Freaking out rant (just a long BAWWW)
Posted: May 11, 2009 3:54 PM Go to message in response to: Nalamienea

I appreciate your advice, but I think my biggest problem is feeling alone in this. I'm still on medical leave and my fiance is still in school for his job. We've been living off his savings from being in the army.

My problem isn't exactly the money, more the embarrassment of asking his parents for the help my parents aren't giving, just so I won't feel like there are strings attached. Plus, my parents will be upset either way, if I take their money or if I tell them I'll let his mom pay, and I don't care, I just wish things like getting married or having a baby would soften them at least a little. It maddens me that my dad missed three of his kids' births and seriously said "I'll just be there for the next one".

I've mostly given up on having anything special with them, I've given up on asking for things, but there's nothing wrong with someone wanting their parents to be proud or at least happy, and in fact it's a natural feeling everyone has (so says my super amazing shrink, who also called my parents "buttheads". I love her.), so I'm learning to go without that natural need everyone has, or adopt new parents. Lately I've just been smiling and nodding and letting my mom change the subject if I talk about anything in my life, even if it's something like a sale on tomatos.

I gave up years ago, I was about 19 when I just gave up on them. But every now and then (like all of yesterday), I just lose it and start caring again. My fiance is great about it, he's pretty pissed off too, and he helps me calm myself down without convincing myself that they're right to do it. I just have lapses.

As for dresses, no, my maid of honor doesn't have any dresses and my other bridesmaids are goth and raver, and one doesn't wear dresses and the other doesn't have much that isn't crazy colorful. But that's beside the point. I'm not bitching about not being able to get married, I'm bitching about not getting to do all that girly stuff I wanted to because my super low standards are too high for my parent's super super low standards. My fiance won't let me skimp on this stuff, because I've done it my whole life and we do have love and money on his side. He insists that I deserve better, and I think I agree with him (my therapist agrees). I've lowered my standards all my life, even lived on cheerios for a month. It's high time I raised them, it's just a bit embarassing.

I do have a counselor (as I mentioned), and she's awesome. I really just felt like bitching to get support, not really advice I guess. I know what needs to be done, I'm just angry it has to happen this way, and for such stupid reasons. I've known good christians, my brother is awesome and my saviour here has been my future mother in law. I just don't see why anyone thinks my parents version of christianity is in any way healthy. My mom has been mourning my grandmothers death since I was 7, because she went to hell. That can't possibly be a healthy way to live, can it?

Like I said, I just needed to vent, and I don't do it very often, so I figured here would be safe, because if people are mean, I can just leave. I'm so frustrated with every detail that I don't know what the big thing I'm frustrated with even is.

So yeah, I guess I don't need advice, just someone to be bitchy with.

 

 

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Love is a crying baby mama warned you not to shake...

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Rose217 Posts : 474 Registered: 8/9/08
Re: Freaking out rant (just a long BAWWW)
Posted: May 11, 2009 6:58 PM Go to message in response to: ObjetTrouve

First, I second everything Myra and Nala said, so I'll try not to repeat.

Second, I hope you feel better after venting! People here are generally very nice and genuinely try to be helpful, except to posters who strive to be insulting, rude, or are complete airheads.

You're never going to be happy if you're always trying to please your parents. You may be their daughter, but they've got extremely different views than you do and it doesn't seem like you can do or say anything to satisfy them while staying true to yourself. It's tough to stop caring about parents approval, but you've got to try. FH is your new family now and it sounds like his relatives are ready to adopt you too, so try to embrace that.

You might like the website Offbeat Bride: http://offbeatbride.com/ They've got tons of tips on how to throw a wedding that reflects you and your FH and lots of stories and photos from real couples to help gain ideas!

You can be girly and do it on a budget. Screw what your parents think about it because they're already gone. Try to have fun!!!

Finally, if it cheers you up at all, I think you and FH are pretty cute!

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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Freaking out rant (just a long BAWWW)
Posted: May 11, 2009 7:40 PM Go to message in response to: ObjetTrouve

Hey OT (sorry I've abbreviated your name)

I'm kinda in the same boat -- I just don't tell my parents a whole lot of things, and I would not be surprised if I catch a lot of hell on the day of the rehearsal, because there are a LOT of elements I am not telling them about that they will find out then. Like I have a Flame Bearer to light the way who will come in first. She will take the light to the altar area and we'll be using that as part of our Quarter Casting/Chalice Lighting (the quarter casting is subtle enough I doubt anyone will recognize it). We're doing a handfasting and they do not know that yet.

Now, raising me as a tom boy just so they wouldn't have to bother, that's not my folks. You should be able to be who you are. If you're a tom boy, great. But if your frilly jilly, then you should be able to celebrate the ruffles!

My parents biggest thing is that we are not the same religion. FH and I are, but my parents and I are not. We do not have the same philosophy on ... ANYTHING. They are pretty big into their church, as I am in to mine; the difference is that I'm not imposing mine on them--they do frequently feel compelled to impose theirs on me.

I'm glad to hear you have a therapist and a supportive FH. You might not be able to take anyone's money. FH's family might not fund your wedding. However, if your parents are going to be pissed either way you do it, then do it your way and at least make your day about the two of you. It will be more memorable.

Good luck

Misty

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deansbride Posts : 220 Registered: 3/24/08
Re: Freaking out rant (just a long BAWWW)
Posted: May 11, 2009 9:22 PM Go to message in response to: ObjetTrouve

Hi OT! I just want to offer some support. Your wedding sounds awesome, can I come? JK

Seriously it sounds like so much fun! Don't worry about your parents and the money. If you don't accept their money it is none of their business where it comes from or how you spend it. Do the best you can to avoid money topics with them. Also, I agree that you can an awesome wedding for a very reasonable budget.

I am soooo sorry that your parents are like this! One of my goals as a teacher is to become an activist for LGBT youth, and you are case in point why this is such a necessary role! As a substitute teacher there is not much I can do but expect respect in the class. Your "rant" has really just confirmed for me that there is such a need for this supportive role that I hope to one day have.

On a side note, in my opinion your are gorgous and need no plastic surgery at all! Can you do the girly stuff with your FH mom? At the very least you can come here and do the girly thing!

GOOD LUCK!

"When you are in Love you can't fall asleep because reality is better than your dreams."

-Dr Seuss

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carebearny1999 Posts : 1,253 Registered: 9/21/07
Re: Freaking out rant (just a long BAWWW)
Posted: May 11, 2009 9:22 PM Go to message in response to: CatStandish

Welcome! I too was a tomboy growing up--matter of fact I've worn a dress TWICE since I moved out of my parent's house--my best friend's wedding I was the maid of honor and my wedding dress.... I was "daddy's little girl" until my brother came along and then it was like I didn't exist.
My parents and family (and his for that matter!) are very christian and I'm sure we rocked their world at the wedding! We had a female (who's bi btw) best man who ended up hooking up with one of the groomsmen! LOL We had a handfasting, we had an outdoor ceremony that never once mentioned God or Jesus or anybody in particular! All my life I've never been "good enough" for my parents so honestly I didn't expect to please them at the wedding either! I got 4 A's and 1 B--well why weren't they all A's?? I was the first on both sides to graduate college, and I did so with honors--but not enough honors to be listed in the program--therefore--not good enough. "You'll never find someone to marry you" and the whole weight thing as well.... My Dad even actually said "good Luck, you're gonna need it" to my DH when he gave me away!! Talk about embarassing!!!
Back to you--you're not alone!! I'm glad you're seeing a counselor who seems to be awesome! Basically a wedding can be as expensive or as cheap as you want to go! Favors are NOT necessary, and if you're not a flowery kind of person you don't even need them!
I'll gladly listen when you need to rant, and I'll try to help you the best I can--I have quite the goth network here--not that you'd know it!
As for the weight--feel free to join us on the overweight but inspired thread--I need a partner for the biggestloser 10! If nothing else get the pointers there!
As for the bridal shower--it doesn't HAVE to be frilly and girly--mine was shamrock themed since we had a celtic wedding... But yes, let someone throw you one--you get lots of stuff you need to start a life together! And some stuff you don't NEED but want!

 

Proud member POOP - People Offended by Offended People

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Bally Posts : 355 Registered: 9/25/08
Re: Freaking out rant (just a long BAWWW)
Posted: May 12, 2009 4:40 PM Go to message in response to: Rose217

WOW I have been looking through that Off Beat Bride website and its brilliant!!! Those people are just like FH and I!!!! I showed FH and he thinks its a class website too!

Anyways, OP, I have no advice to give except echo other people's statements and be yourself. And you look like a pretty cool girl to know!
 

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Rose217 Posts : 474 Registered: 8/9/08
Re: Freaking out rant (just a long BAWWW)
Posted: May 12, 2009 5:56 PM Go to message in response to: Bally

I'm glad you found the website Bally, you seem like the type who would appreciate it! I think I first got the link somewhere on these forums, maybe even from Nala....? It's great inspiration!

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carebearny1999 Posts : 1,253 Registered: 9/21/07
Re: Freaking out rant (just a long BAWWW)
Posted: May 12, 2009 6:10 PM Go to message in response to: Rose217

I'm LOVING that site--thank you!! Makes me want to plan a "vow renewal" and only invite our closest friends, you know the ones who love us even though we're slightly "off"?!?

 

Proud member POOP - People Offended by Offended People

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