Reliving My Wedding Nightmares

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loco Posts : 3 Registered: 4/7/09
Reliving My Wedding Nightmares
Posted: Apr 7, 2009 10:03 PM

I feel like I'm reliving my wedding nightmares all over again. I got married last year, and didn't include my family in any of the plans because our ideas are completely different from mine. My mom and sister drove me insane with their "suggestions" for months, even after the wedding was completely planned and deposits were made.

A couple of weeks ago, my sister calls me to say that my mom's retiring. She asks me to plan a surprise party because "she couldn't deal with it". Within 36 hours, I had the place reserved, caterer picked, party supplies, and invites ready to go out. I get a call from my sister who now wants a part in this (probably out of guilt) and she wants to change everything. She's now cooking the food, even though it will cost more then the caterer, and she's taken over. I get a daily email and phone call to listen to her "ideas" about the food or decorations. She's turning this into a small wedding!! Now, were buying linen table cloths, centerpieces, buffet servers, etc. Next, we'll be carting our china to this thing. It's in a little community building that isn't all that!! We're only talking about maybe 25 guests. She's also the type of person that freaks out at the last minute and I can see her not wanting to follow through on the food or making everyone else's life miserable over cooking. Oh, the real kicker - she's not that great of chef.

How do I nicely tell her that she's going way overboard and we need to go back to the original plans? It's not a control thing with me - it's that she's going nuts over a tiny party, and the caterer is cheaper and better.

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Reliving My Wedding Nightmares
Posted: Apr 7, 2009 11:06 PM Go to message in response to: loco

Sounds like your sister is driving you insane and you're allowing it to happen all over again. Since the party was her idea, and she's "taking over," how about letting her do whatever she wants. IF you want to contribute some money, hand it to her and let her spend it. If NOT, buy your Mom a nice gift, yourself a nice dress, and show up as a guest with a calm, happy smile on your face. And, if the party is not up to your standards--oh, well, it's her affair.
myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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loco Posts : 3 Registered: 4/7/09
Re: Reliving My Wedding Nightmares
Posted: Apr 8, 2009 12:19 AM Go to message in response to: myra

I don't think I explained myself very well....She asked me to plan the party because she didn't want to deal with it, so I booked and bought everything. The retirement parties I've been to are about a step up from a birthday party. Now that she's decided to take over, it's become a reception in a dumpy building. Also, I've had to cancel the caterer, make numerous trips to take back supplies, and I get a daily email/phone call about this. I don't care that she "took over" except that I've had to undo everything, she's not the type of person that will follow through, and her cooking is bad.

If I could just hand over my share of the cash and be a guest, I would. I'd be thrilled to step away at this point, but she keeps drawing me back in with daily "consultations", and she can't afford to pay for any of her ideas. What originally cost about $500 (which would've been a typical party for 30) has now grown to over $1000 because we have to buy buffet servers, lavish flowers, etc. Plus, we don't even know if 30 people will show up and she keeps buying all this stuff and asking for $$.

Edited by: loco on Apr 8, 2009 12:22 AM

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Reliving My Wedding Nightmares
Posted: Apr 8, 2009 12:56 PM Go to message in response to: loco

I'd be thrilled to step away at this point, but she keeps drawing me back in with daily "consultations", and she can't afford to pay for any of her ideas.

Let me understand this--you have cancelled the caterer and returned the supplies you have bought--so, I assume that you have retrieved most of your money. Since she has taken over, it's now "her party."

I hate to sound unsympathetic, but it sounds like you need to grow a backbone. Nobody can keep drawing you in unless you allow yourself to be drawn in. Nobody can "make you" crazy, because you have the option to tune them out. If you don't want to participate in "daily consultations," don't answer your phone--or limit yourself to two minute conversations. If she brings up the party, tell her she's doing a great job and it's her decision. If she's a bad cook, oh, well. That reflects on her. And remember, she's your mother's daughter, so I'm sure that anything she does will please Mom. As for the rest of the guests, just pray that they don't get food poisoning!!
myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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loco Posts : 3 Registered: 4/7/09
Re: Reliving My Wedding Nightmares
Posted: May 8, 2009 1:56 PM Go to message in response to: myra

UPDATE: I took you're advice and decided to let her be the caterer and volunteered to help her make the food, even though I doubted she would follow through. The day before the party, we were supposed to get together in the morning after she went to the grocery, but she never showed up. I called her on her cell and home number and no answer. So, I got to spend the evening before the event angry and going grocery store to grocery store trying to make up lunchmeat and fruit trays, not to mention that I'd wasted countless hours waiting for her.

When I finally spoke with my sister to find out what happened to her catering, she said that she got too stressed out about it and couldn't handle it so she decided to "bail on the food". My typical sister! I should've trusted my instincts.

My advice for others: If you want to plan an event, don't let your family help you! They will only make you crazy!


Edited by: loco on May 8, 2009 1:57 PM

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Reliving My Wedding Nightmares
Posted: May 8, 2009 3:11 PM Go to message in response to: loco

I realize that in your eyes, you were in a difficult position. But, once again, you enabled your sister by saving her ass (at the cost of your own sanity). When we last communicated, my advice was to let this be HER party, and for you to show up as a guest. Instead, when she bailed on her own party, you once more made it YOUR party. I realize that you wanted something nice for your mother, guests were invited, etc., etc. But, as long as your sister know that you are the safety net that will catch her when she screws up, she will continue with her irresponsible ways (and continue to make you crazy).
myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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