I have to do the UNTHINKABLE! (gasp!)

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Bride2008 Posts : 3,058 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: I have to do the UNTHINKABLE! (gasp!)
Posted: May 7, 2009 10:22 AM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

PTG - You are right. I misunderstood that part of the post. I have edited my response.


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karebeartg Posts : 831 Registered: 6/25/08
Re: I have to do the UNTHINKABLE! (gasp!)
Posted: May 7, 2009 10:53 AM Go to message in response to: MrsJDtobe

Unfortunately, I too agree with everyone else.

I know you said that your venue is a package deal and that means you can't cut anything, but I'm not sure that's true. Is there a particular person you talk to at the venue? Why don't you call, explain (briefly) the situation, and see if there is any sort of deal you can work out. I don't think you should explicitly state that otherwise you might have to walk away -- I'm sure they can put two and two together. Given the economy, they might be more than happy to have any business. I know the hotel that one of my blocks is at reduced all the room block rates for me (without asking), because they'd rather have more rooms blocked there (they undercut my other hotel block, which is fantastic for me and sucks for that hotel). Can you reduce from two entrees to one, cut an hour off the end of the reception, skip the cocktail hour, whatever?

Basically, I think you need to make a LOT more effort to cut costs without cutting people. I would almost certainly think lowly of someone who sent me a STD and didn't invite me to the wedding. I might have started making travel plans (I like to plan early) or put in for time off work, etc. Even if I hadn't, I'd still be upset.

I'd much rather eat the deposit and do something lower key than uninvite people. At the absolute, very least, I think it would be highly inappropriate to just send an announcement to people you uninvite. That means you don't let them know before the wedding. If, despite everything everyone has said, you cut people, you need to get on the phone or get them face to face, apologize a million times and tell them - not just send them an after the fact announcement. If you send me a save the date, I save the date.

 

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His4life Posts : 117 Registered: 4/7/09
Re: I have to do the UNTHINKABLE! (gasp!)
Posted: May 7, 2009 10:59 AM Go to message in response to: MrsJDtobe

I dont' think that people would hate you for sending out save the dates and then not inviting them to the wedding, however, I think they will be a little offended and take it personally. I don't know who you are planning on cutting, maybe it's only the 3rd cousins that you see once every few years or other family/friends that live far away...but it is still going to hurt some feelings since they are expecting an invitation.

If I was in this situation I would probably get married in the courthouse and do a vow renewal later when everyone can be invited again. If you did this because of your current situation people would be more understanding. It's up to you of course, but if you uninvite people you are going to hurt some feelings so you will need to be prepared to deal with that.

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: I have to do the UNTHINKABLE! (gasp!)
Posted: May 7, 2009 11:09 AM Go to message in response to: Bride2008

Bride2008 - No prob. Just figured I'd mention it before someone else read your reply and the thread went to a tangent.

Because we've never been known to do that....

 

 

 

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Bride2008 Posts : 3,058 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: I have to do the UNTHINKABLE! (gasp!)
Posted: May 7, 2009 1:28 PM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

Not here on Brides.com... That would never happen.

P.O.O.P.E.R. - People Offended by Offended People Executive Recruiter

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: I have to do the UNTHINKABLE! (gasp!)
Posted: May 7, 2009 1:59 PM Go to message in response to: MrsJDtobe

Well, you could save money by cutting out the following.

I
want to get botox on my forehead before the wedding to smoot out some
lines I have. My question is when is best? I never had Botox, only
restylane...TIA!

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And also, agree with all the other PPs, or most, in saying that it would be way better to cut costs rather than not invite any of your STD recipients. You can probably cut back, it just doesn't sound like you want to.


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MrsJDtobe Posts : 159 Registered: 2/15/09
Re: I have to do the UNTHINKABLE! (gasp!)
Posted: May 7, 2009 2:00 PM Go to message in response to: Bride2008

Well, my health part of all of this was unexpected. I did not think I was going to be ill to the point of being in bed! It sucks, trust me. Part of it is probably stress. I have cut back on stuff that won't have us lose out on money. The only reason I had STD's made was because the wedding is 70 miles away (my church is far) and it's a holiday weekend.

I would love to change the date altogether and wait a yr but we would lose a lot of money on deposits because certain dates are not available for all vendors. I am not Catholic, I am Greek orthodox, so the church service you mentioned would not apply in my case.

I go back to the doc tomorrow for a biopsy and we shall see from there. Right now I am thinking of getting wedding insurance to protect us in case I have to change everything altogether due to my health. If it wasn't for these crazy new circumstances, I'd afford what I had planned for...but you can't plan for THIS many obstacles! It's like I am being tested...I just hope I can hold it all together.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On October 11, 2009, my cop will forever be cuffed to my heart ;-)

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: I have to do the UNTHINKABLE! (gasp!)
Posted: May 7, 2009 2:11 PM Go to message in response to: MrsJDtobe

Even if you lose a deposit or two, isn't the total cost (going through with the item) more by quite a bit than the deposit you'd lose in cancelling? Then, you would ahve savings. But it doesn't sound like you want to cut anything. If you WANT to cut, you can. And there have been many suggestions and there are many threads on budget weddings. It just sounds to me, like you want what you want and the reason justifying it is the greek orthodox wedding requires it.

So good luck. how much would you save by nixing the original reception place, losing the deposit, and going with something much more economical so you can invite all your original guests?

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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: I have to do the UNTHINKABLE! (gasp!)
Posted: May 7, 2009 3:48 PM Go to message in response to: MrsJDtobe

This SOOOOO sucks, but please please please someone tell me that people won't hate me when they realize the financial strain our original wedding would put us through.

I could tell you that but I would be lying. If you sent me a save the date, I would save the date. This means I would have not booked my vacation for that week. If I had received an invitation for something else I would have declined. In essence I would have put my life on hold to make room for your day. If at the time I know I should be receiving an invitation and I didn't receive one I would be expecting to here the wedding has been cancelled or something like that. If I received an annoucement after the date of the wedding which saide you had gotten married without me I would be pissed. If we were friends we would no longer be friends. If we were related of course we would still be cousins but I would still have nothing to do with you for a very long time if ever. For me it would say I am not important enough to consider my feelings in your decision. My time is not as valuable as yours.

 

 

 

Kenny and me perfect together, 10 years and counting

Sucks to be you, So glad I am me

Proud Member of P.O.O.P,  People Offended by Offended People

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MrsJDtobe Posts : 159 Registered: 2/15/09
Re: I have to do the UNTHINKABLE! (gasp!)
Posted: May 7, 2009 3:58 PM Go to message in response to: cyndi33

I called my church and they have a wonderful hall I can rent. It's not cheap ($1200) but I can get any caterer I want if I go that route. I would lose my $1500 deposit on the original venue (because it is evening...there was no cheaper package as an alternative) unless I use the deposit and go with that venue for the rehearsal dinner. As for as the PP mentioning I was going to get BOTOX...yeah, well, before the thousands of dollars of orthodontics bills I paid (my ex is court ordered to pay but he doesnt), my inability to work due to a military connected injury (I am a disabled vet at the MERCY of the VA hospital in Washington DC...patient wait times for appointments are horrendous), and the fact that I am still supporting my 4 children without child support...which includes that they do not see their father at all. So the thousands of dollars I have forked over to my lawyers, plus the other thousands I have paid, and the fact that I have a BS in business and an MBA degree, but never know when day will be a "sick" day or not, does put money and priorities in perspective. I just pray my wedding day is not a "sick" day!

Also...please hope for the best for my biopsy tomorrow...at the end of the day, little details like flowers and favors mean diddly squat if you don't get to live your life...literally!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On October 11, 2009, my cop will forever be cuffed to my heart ;-)

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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: I have to do the UNTHINKABLE! (gasp!)
Posted: May 7, 2009 4:43 PM Go to message in response to: MrsJDtobe

Hopefully your biopsy will turn out alright. If I were you I would stop wasting my money going after the deadbeat and use it to support your children. It would be put to better use that way. In my state you can file all of your motions Pro-Se. You are not getting anything from it and only making your lawyers more money.

I learned it is more beneficial for my kids to use the money on them. The deadbeat if not going to change and your kids are the ones that suffer. Just something to think about.

 

 

 

Kenny and me perfect together, 10 years and counting

Sucks to be you, So glad I am me

Proud Member of P.O.O.P,  People Offended by Offended People

wedding websites

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HLYflute Posts : 1,282 Registered: 2/5/07
Re: I have to do the UNTHINKABLE! (gasp!)
Posted: May 7, 2009 5:13 PM Go to message in response to: MrsJDtobe

Here are a few alternatives I thought of:

Could you use your $1500 deposit at the venue if you hold your wedding at an earlier time the same day, and just do the cake/punch or hors d'ourves thing there? That way, you don't lose your deposit, and the cost would be much less. You might not even have to spend any extra money if the $1500 covers the costs for the reception. You said you already paid for you dj, so you could still use him (or her?).

You mentioned using the deposit for the rehearsal dinner, which I think is a good idea. My cousin had to cancel her wedding a year or so before mine, and we used her reception hall deposit toward my shower. (Not that I used it and threw the shower myself-- she was a bm, and her mom and my other aunts threw the shower).

There are other places you could save money. Don't serve alcohol, or just do a champagne toast. Do your own hair and makeup, or have a friend help you. Have you already bought your dress/shoes/veil? There are tons of ways to save on that. I bought my shoes at TJ Maxx for $13. Don't do favors.

Finally, if you're ok with having a JOP type wedding, could you just have the priest/pastor at your church marry you privately? Get the marriage license, then go to the church and have a private wedding. You could even invite your immediate families if you wanted to, then just send an announcement to all your guests. It's at least early enough now that people haven't book plane tickets yet. If you're going to do this though, do it soon.

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MrsJDtobe Posts : 159 Registered: 2/15/09
Re: I have to do the UNTHINKABLE! (gasp!)
Posted: May 7, 2009 5:16 PM Go to message in response to: kennysoldwife

The problem with my ex is that he is out of state and in the military. My attorney has to serve him out of state at his base because he refuses to give his home address (where I'd normally be able to serve him by certified mail). My kids have even asked for his address and all he says is "use my work address". My lawyer says that his refusal to give that info is actually illegal if he ever wants them to visit. Not llike he ever tries to see them anyway...he doesnt.

ANYWAY...The military refuses to help me either. I had gone to his 2 previous commands...1 in my home state and 1 in Maine and they don't care about helping out. Luckily, I had sold a buisiness and support the kids well on my own, but my ex still has his responsibilities. The whole thing sucks. I, too, hope the biopsy turns out ok. I just hate that I have to drive 140 miles to see a doctor! I don't want to be a patient..I want to be a bride!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On October 11, 2009, my cop will forever be cuffed to my heart ;-)

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MrsJDtobe Posts : 159 Registered: 2/15/09
Re: I have to do the UNTHINKABLE! (gasp!)
Posted: May 7, 2009 5:20 PM Go to message in response to: HLYflute

Dear PP...
I cant change the time of the reception bc it's a Sunday...and church services have to be over for my ceremony..which takes an hour. Also, the 1500 only covers the site fee for the venue...nothing else. I think using it to pay for the rehearsal dinner is our best bet and only way to keep from losing the $1500.

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On October 11, 2009, my cop will forever be cuffed to my heart ;-)

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His4life Posts : 117 Registered: 4/7/09
Re: I have to do the UNTHINKABLE! (gasp!)
Posted: May 7, 2009 5:38 PM Go to message in response to: MrsJDtobe

MrsJD you sound like you are in a really tough situation. I hope that at least your attorneys have told you that they will also go after your ex to cover your attorney bills. Whenever a mother has to go after their ex for child support they also get the attorney bills to go along with it, at least where I live. I would look into that and hopefully that will help you save some money as well. I know that laweyers can be pretty expensive. I hope your biopsy goes well tomorrow, I will keep you in my prayers.

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