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Don't even know where to start ....

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NewMrsVelino Posts : 144 Registered: 6/9/08
Don't even know where to start ....
Posted: May 6, 2009 12:18 PM

Ok, I just need a little outside prospective on some things, so I thought I'd come vent here and see what ya'll have to say about the situation. I really don't know where to start. I am becomming so stressed out about this and I don't need this extra stress. This is probably going to turn into a really long post, so bare with me. I tend to feel the need to explain everything in detail, lol.

I guess to start off, my younger sister moved from WI to TN 5-6 years ago to follow her boyfriend who decided to leave her in the middle of the night. That's a long story that we don't need to get into. Anyways, they worked things out and she stayed down there w/him and they bought a house together. About 2 years ago, she ended up cheating on him with the worst possible guy that she could. They broke up, but got back together and then she cheated on him again with the same guy, this time getting pregnant. She's been with the guy she had an affair with for about 2 years now. Anyways, this guy is THE BIGGEST POS I've ever met. He beats the crap out of her. He's gone to jail twice but she always bails him out. He sits at home all day and does not work while she works almost 60 hours a week to provide for the 3 of them. He's constantly punching her windshield out, breaking their cell phones, slashing her tires, punching holes in their walls, etc... and of course, who has to pay for it all? My sister. We've tried thousands of times to get her to come home, but to no avail of course. We are not allowed to speak to her unless he's sitting there next to her up her ass listening to everything we say. Twice now that my sister has come home to visit, I have paid for both of their plane tickets. The last time I was promised that I would get paid back for his ticket. I wouldn't mind if it was just my sister, but I'm not going to pay for his sorry ass. Well, I never got paid back of course. I let it slide. A couple months ago my sister called me and said her and her boyfriend were thinking of moving to WI and asked if they could stay with me until they got their feet on the ground. (Fiance and I just bought a house) Unfortunately, I had to say no. I told her if it was just her and the baby I could do it, but I would not let that man move into my house. (They came to visit once when she was 7 months pregnant. I went to work as I couldn't take the day off and they were staying @ my old house. While I was gone, they got into a fight, he grabbed her by her ankles, pulled her off the chair she was sitting on and slammed her into the ground. Needless to say, he is no longer welcome alone in my home) Well she didn't call or talk to me for a long time after that, but just called me a few weeks ago asking about her bridesmaid dress. I told her that I would buy it for her, something that I said I wouldn't do from the beginning because FH and I are paying for the whole wedding ourselves, plus we just bought a house and have a mortgage to pay. We're just skimming by but I think we'll be ok. She promised to pay me in payments, which is fine; but now she called me the other night asking me if I could buy her a plane ticket to come visit in June. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Then I have to hear her whine about the things her wonderful man has broken and how many bills she has and blah blah blah. I told her I would get back to her. I talked to my mom yesterday and before I even said anything to her about her asking me to buy her ticket, my mom jumps at me and says "I can't afford to pay for her ticket." Then when I tell her I wouldn't either, she proceeds to try to make me feel guilty because I won't buy her a plane ticket to come home. All I'm thinking is, I'm paying for her dress, I've bought every plane ticket in the past for her to come home and visit, and now you want me to buy her another ticket to come home to visit, which I'm sure I'll have to do again to get her home for my wedding. I'm just so sick and tired of people walking all over me and I can't take it anymore. I've always been this way and I know one day I'm going to just snap! Then, during all of this, I find out that my MOH and 1 of my BM are going to wait until the last friggin' second to buy their dresses because they can't afford it now either; but they can afford to spend $400 to drive to Myrtle Beach for a few days and then to a Nascar race Memorial Day weekend where it will cost about the same. I've tried the "if you can't stand in my wedding because you can't afford it right now, I'll understand" bit and I just get screamed at. The day I bought my dress they all tried to get me to buy theirs at the same time and then they'd pay me whenever they could. I almost went w/it, but the cashier didn't ring it up so I decided screw it.

Anyways, am I being selfish here? Should I be paying for my sister's plane ticket to come home to visit because she's having money problems? Should I buy all of my BM's dresses because they can't afford anything right now?

I'm wishing I had just eloped.
When is my wedding

wisconsin , september_2009
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DoesntPlayNice Posts : 809 Registered: 12/17/08
Re: Don't even know where to start ....
Posted: May 6, 2009 12:35 PM Go to message in response to: NewMrsVelino

I don't really have any advice but I just wanted to say that I am sorry that you have to deal with this. Also I am sorry that your sister is dumb enough to stay in this abusive relationship.

I wouldnt pay for her plane ticket because now she expects it. Do your parents do anything to try to intervene?

Previously Posted as Military Bride.

CEO of E.N.E.M.A. (Enemy Negotiations & Extraction Military Agency) A special Division of P.O.O.P. (People Offended by Offended People)

When POOP can't do it alone....they call for the ENEMA.

wisconsin , may_2009 , texas , september_2009
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adrigirl01 Posts : 288 Registered: 10/2/08
Re: Don't even know where to start ....
Posted: May 6, 2009 12:48 PM Go to message in response to: NewMrsVelino

First off, that sounds like an awful situation and I hope your sister wises up before it's too late.

That said, in my opinion, you should not feel obligated to buy your sister's plane ticket and your mom should not guilt trip you. You've already spent plenty on her. She'll be home three months later for your wedding. If she can't afford the ticket for June and nobody else wants to/can buy it for her, so be it. She can wait. She needs to start being responsible for herself...and her baby. She should be out of that relationship if not for her, to protect her child.

As for about the bridesmaids, they should not expect you to buy their dresses. I'm not going to ask how much they cost, but is there perhaps a cheaper alternative that could be more affordable? Perhaps a dress from a department store like Macy's that you can make work? Either way, don't let the walk all over you.

july_2009 , september_2009 , oregon , wisconsin
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NewMrsVelino Posts : 144 Registered: 6/9/08
Re: Don't even know where to start ....
Posted: May 6, 2009 12:53 PM Go to message in response to: DoesntPlayNice

No, you want to hear the funny part? (not really funny) My mom says that we have to be nice to the guy because if we want to see or talk to my sister, then we're just going to have to accept him. She is always up his ass, and I think she does it because she's scared of what he'll do if she's not. My parents are divorced and my dad isn't really that big a part of our lives to intervene or do anything to stop it. He did offer to let them move in there, but of course the boyfriend won't go for that.

I was also in an abusive relationship, though not to the extent that she's in. I found the strength to finally leave and I've been trying to help her find the strength too, but you have to hit a breaking point in a situation like that. Hopefully one comes for her, and it sounds like she's almost there. I've helped her as much as I can, and I'm always hear to listen, but it's just really starting to get to the point where I just keep telling her "and yet you stay with him or bail him out." And all she says is "I know" What scares me the most is that I don't know what he's doing to that child. She feels that she needs him because he's there to watch the kid while she's working so she doesn't have to pay day care or a babysitter. It's just her excuse. I know it's because she's scared to be alone and she doesn't want to have to move back to WI. She is holding onto the relationship she was in that made her move to TN in the first place hoping, praying, and wishing they get back together again one day.
When is my wedding

wisconsin , may_2009 , texas , september_2009
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NewMrsVelino Posts : 144 Registered: 6/9/08
Re: Don't even know where to start ....
Posted: May 6, 2009 12:58 PM Go to message in response to: adrigirl01

Adrigirl -

The dresses are from David's Bridal. I have commented before about looking for dresses elsewhere, but they are content on buying the dresses from DB. I think they're like $120 plus the 20% off they get because I purchased my dress there so about $100. They decided to agree on a dress that they feel they could wear again so that it wasn't just a dress they purchased and only wore once.
When is my wedding

wisconsin , july_2009 , september_2009 , oregon
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FutureLeoBride Posts : 63 Registered: 9/24/08
Re: Don't even know where to start ....
Posted: May 6, 2009 3:45 PM Go to message in response to: NewMrsVelino

I think I'd just cut my losses and elope. It's not too late....
Good luck!


Marriage works because they had a shared sense of humor, mutual respect of an awesome depth, faith that they were brought together by a force greater than themselves and a love so unwavering and pure that it is sacred.
- Forever Odd by Dean Koontz

wisconsin , ohio , october_2009 , september_2009
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NewMrsVelino Posts : 144 Registered: 6/9/08
Re: Don't even know where to start ....
Posted: May 6, 2009 3:57 PM Go to message in response to: FutureLeoBride

lol, as easy as that sounds, I don't think I could do it, and at this point, FH is really excited for the wedding. I was just having a meltdown earlier because my mom was still on my case with my sister, but I'm better now. I'm sure it's still going to weigh heavy on me, but I'm not going to give in this time. If she wants to come visit before the wedding, then she'll have to find the money to do it, and I'm sure that the BM and MOH will get the dress in time, it just worries me that they won't.

Thanks for letting me vent.
When is my wedding

wisconsin , ohio , october_2009 , september_2009
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CatStandish Posts : 2,767 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Don't even know where to start ....
Posted: May 6, 2009 6:32 PM Go to message in response to: NewMrsVelino

That's an awful situation, but you're right... you've got to stand up for yourself too.

If mom wants her to visit so badly and she can't buy her plane ticket, then MOM needs to sacrifice for it. And mom need stop making you feel guilty over it.

Now... if she called you today and said "Help me, I want to leave him and I need two plane tickets" I'm sure you'd be all over that like white on rice. But just to buy her a ticket to visit when she's coming out in September? Nope. Don't think so. Because it is not just HER and her child you're buying for, it's also for slacka$$ who can't man up and work to support his family, but can sure demonstrate his testoterone by using your sister as a punching bag. No, I would not pay for the ticket.

{{{hugs}}}


Misty

wisconsin , september_2009
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carebearny1999 Posts : 1,254 Registered: 9/21/07
Re: Don't even know where to start ....
Posted: May 6, 2009 6:53 PM Go to message in response to: CatStandish

ok--I can see both sides here. Of course don't give her the money for the plane ticket the logical part of me says. But having my sister in a similar situation I also know I'd WANT to see her and so yeah, I probably would pay for it. Is your sister able to if her a$$ didn't break everything? Then yes, do NOT buy the ticket! (See mine's a stay at home mom--she has no money--HE has money)
As for the BM dresses--mine paid for theirs at $155 and they had to travel as well... I paid for my sister's (my MOH) and her kid's stuff but her a$$ was NOT invited. There was actually a very nice sherrif that informed him 2 days before that if he were to show up he would be arrested for tresspassing. I knew if I DIDN'T pay for her dress, and the FG/RB outfits then they couldn't be there....
And that sucks that Mom is guilt-tripping you about it!

 

Proud member POOP - People Offended by Offended People

wisconsin , july_2008 , september_2009
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loveisjoy Posts : 85 Registered: 2/6/09
Re: Don't even know where to start ....
Posted: May 6, 2009 7:48 PM Go to message in response to: NewMrsVelino

You don't have to pay for anything and you don't owe anyone an explanation. Your sister needs to get her life together. Your mom needs to either purchase her a ticket, or leave it alone. She will be visiting soon, you guys will be able to see her. Your bridesmaids accepted the honor to be a part of your wedding party, and they should have gotten their money together to pay for their dress, if they can spend money to travel they could pay for their dresses. Don't let them get to you, just pray about it. And that women beater I woulldn't allow him in my house at ALL. You shouldn't have to pay for his ticket, sometimes you have to show tough love. I had a cousin who was in a abusive relationship, and we were inseperable, I stopped speaking to her, and she finally left him after she saw that I was serious. Don't stress yourself, this is a happy moment for you and your FH, don't let no one steal your JOY.

I will be praying for you....

wisconsin , september_2010 , north_carolina , september_2009
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HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,300 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: Don't even know where to start ....
Posted: May 6, 2009 10:02 PM Go to message in response to: loveisjoy

If you feel strongly about not paying for your sister's ticket again, stand strong. Personally I wouldn't pay for it either if I were in your shoes even though I DO see Carebearny's point. You've done a lot for her already. Don't buy into your mom's guilt trip, either. It's called enabling!

As for your friends, if you've already checked with them (sounds like numerous times) to make sure the cost it OK with them, you've done your job. Let that go and stop checking with them. If they don't get the dresses in time, you can decide then whether you still want them in the wedding. OR: is there a date by which they need to order them or else they won't receive them in time? I didn't check to see when your wedding is, but whatever the drop-dead date is just tell them,"OK, I'll stop asking you about the dresses, but your dress will need to be order by X date in order for it to arrive on time. If it's not, I'll just assume you'll be attending as a guest, no hard feelings." And then let it go.

Sounds like you have a habit of people-pleasing....maybe? I do, too, but your friends were out of line asking for you to foot the bill temporarily for their dresses the way they did. I'm not saying it's ALWAYS out of line, but the context you put it in it sounds to me like they were making assumptions and that's just not cool. My friends wouldn't do that.

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His4life Posts : 117 Registered: 4/7/09
Re: Don't even know where to start ....
Posted: May 7, 2009 11:08 AM Go to message in response to: NewMrsVelino

I am so very sorry that your sister is going through this mental and physical abuse of this aweful man. It really angers and hurts me when I hear stories like this. I do not think that you should purchase your sister's plane ticket, you have already done enough for her. I think a little tough love is needed here. Hopefully someday she will realize that the man she is with is not worth a second in her life.

I really don't know what else to say in your situation, it is just very sad and I'm sure it's hard to deal with.

wisconsin , mexican_caribbean , october_2009 , september_2009
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NewMrsVelino Posts : 144 Registered: 6/9/08
Re: Don't even know where to start ....
Posted: May 7, 2009 11:37 AM Go to message in response to: His4life

I want to thank you all for your kind words.

Carebearny - Believe me, the reason why it is such a hard decision for me is because I WANT to see my sister. It's just gotten to the point where it's like "Oh, I want to come home to visit so I'll just call FutureMrsVelino and have her buy me a plane ticket to come home because I know she'll buy it for me." I don't appreciate it. It makes me feel used kinda.

HappyGirl - I am one of the biggest people pleasers there is! I have always been that way. I tend to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders and I'm trying to change that aspect of me a little. While sometimes it's a good characteristic, othertimes it's the worst thing in the world. FH hates that quality about me. I always put other people before myself, which is not necessarily a bad thing I guess.

Anyways, I decided I'm going to try my hardest (lol) to stick to not buying her plane ticket. We'll see what happens in the end. I'm sure someone will guilt me enough into giving in. We'll see.

The bridesmaid dresses, I have given them a date that I would like for them to purchase the dress by and will leave it at that. I haven't really pushed them to get them at all, I just ask every now and then and the last time I asked I was told to find out from DB how long they have before the wedding that they can purchase the dresses. I was told not to let one BM order a dress before the other becuase they change their colors and fabric and styles so often that one might order it and a month later it could be discontinued or completely different, and that they have until mid June to order their dresses. That's 3 months before the wedding so, makes sense to me!
When is my wedding

wisconsin , mexican_caribbean , october_2009 , september_2009
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