im so frustrated right now!

DH is smart, very smart - he has like a genius IQ, that's how smart he is. He knows, I know it, yet for some reason he always seems to make me feel like im incredibly stupid.

The latest incident, I asked him today to call Comcast, while I was at work, and discuss what our options were regarding our account, as we signed up last May for the 12 month digital starter package with high speed internet at a discounted rate and our pricing goes up starting next month. He told me over the phone it's only like a $1 difference to keep what we have in the way of cable vs dropping the digital box so it doesn't really matter what we do. But on our bill it also says our internet goes up $10 once the package deal expires, so I asked him about that and he just strugged. I asked him what he wanted to do and, like the smartass he tends to be, responds "Iono, let's just get rid of the cable!" I looked at the bill again with the details and right now with the package we get $20 off our cable so I was asking if it that goes up to x amt next month or if we can downgrade any, trying to make sense of it all and figure out our options.

He does this exsaperated sigh and is all "what is so difficult to understand!?" making it sound like I'm completely stupid for even asking.

I hate that!

I got so mad, threw the paper at him and walked out of the room telling him that he can just pay all the bills from now on (I'm the one that writes the checks and makes sure everything gets paid each month).

I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!

Anytime I don't get something as quick as he does and ask further questions so it makes sense in my head, he does that stupid little exasperated sigh and makes me feel like I'm f-ing stupid!

I had a 3.8 gpa in high school and made honors, I got myself through college and obtained a BA - I'm not as stupid as he seems to make me feel, I just don't always pick up on things as quick others and sometimes need further explaining so it makes sense to me.

Even this weekend while I was cleaning and trying to get ready for my jewelry party I was hosting, I'd ask him to help me with something, he'd do that stupid sigh and make me feel dumb for even asking and a few times he even whined about me asking him to help me with something. Or like I'll be doing something that makes sense to me, I know I'm doing it right and he'll come and be like "why are you doing THAT?" in a tone that makes it sound like I'm doing something incredibly ridiculous or stupid or all wrong.

Why does he have to act like a complete jackass sometimes? I knew he could be quite a smartass and a jerk sometimes, especially when it's warrented, but he never was that way towards me in the whole 11 years prior to our marriage that I knew him. It seems like since we're living together and married it's happening more and more.

I'll try explaining to him how it makes me feel, he'll apologize, but then it happens again!

now he just calls me in the other room, as he's looking up to see if we qualify for any of the specials they have going on (which he was supposed to ask about when he called, but whatever), and is acting like nothing's wrong, nothing happened, when I'm still clearly upset and want him to quit treating me like I'm stupid.

Grrrrrrrrr

I just needed to vent.

Friends since December 1997, together since December 2006
September 13, 2008 I legally became his and he became mine.

I tend to write long posts - short and simple doesn't exist with me!
That's how I am, take it or leave it.

MovieBits - your source for reviews, news and more!
www.moviebits.blogspot.com

I have to agree with the othe rposter. I don't see that as a comment by him on your intelligence at all. And by the way, he may be a genius but that does not mean he has commen sense. He agreed to the insurance fraud cell phone deal. that to me shows a definite lack of common sense at the very least.

Anyway, I think it's more that he didn't feel like cleaning, didn't really see why you would be, and obviously didn't want ot help.

And, about the comcast bill, he just didn't see it as any big deal. But not that you aren't smart, just that it's not much money and really, not a big issue.

You can do a couple of things. If you choose to do extra cleaning understand he probably won't help. If you absolutely want his help, then don't do it until he does it too. That is tough. Means you ahve to have a messy home for awhile. some people don't do it. This is only if you've already asked him to do his fair share. I dont know. With us, we both do it and sometimes one of us does more. Honestly, it's one thing we really have never argued about.

The bill thing, just understand that there will be areas where you think it's a big deal and he may not. Have you discussed and set out your budget and your wiggle room? do you know what his priorities are and does he know yours?

Couples counseling can be super helpful. But, if you try that, you might need to try a few different people until you find a good match. Someone who helps you two communicate and udnerstand the other's perspectives and methods of communicating, but not someone who takes "sides" in your disagreements. I don't think that' shelpful at all. But we did it, and we learned some things from it. not a cure all, but it can help.

Bottom line, honestly don't think any of the things you described were an attack of you by him or him calling or even remotely thinking you are any less intelligent than him. Good luck!!

 Proud Member of P.O.O.P.,  People Offended by Offended People

I think it sounds like he was being downright rude and disrespectful. If he didn't want to do it then he should have said so like a big boy and not made you feel stupid for wanting it. That goes for both the cleaning and the cable bill. You should both be able to appreicate what's important to the other, I think.

10/26/08 

Thanks for the responses ladies!

To clear up a few things, I was doing all the cleaning the other night - I knew if I asked him either he'd do all half-assed or make some comment about it. The only thing I physically asked him to do was pick up his clothes laying all over the bedroom and take a few things of his to our storage locker down the hall and he gave me attitude about that - and the ironic thing, taking some of the stuff to the storage locker was something I had asked and reminded him to do multiple times over the past few months. The only thing I asked him for help with was to dust out a cobweb in the corner of the ceiling that I couldn't reach (he's about a foot taller than me) and he rolled his eyes about that, and then he got all annoyed when I asked him to help put make-shift slip covers over some ugly chairs we have - I wanted him there to tell me if one side looked better than the other and to make sure it looked right while I was pinning em in place.

It's just that exsaparated sigh and the tone he gets that makes me feel like I'm stupid or doing something completely wrong when I'm not. I hate that.

I talked to him a little bit about it and it pretty much went how I expected - he apologized but then said something about how he can't help it, and how him being a smartass at work isn't enough for him and that I'm always asking "silly" questions. He at least admitted it's something he needs to work on and acknowledged the fact that I really wish he'd be nicer at home and not act like that towards me. He can be downright vicious when he wants to be or is in a mood and I don't like it being directed at me when all I did was ask a question to help myself understand. I'll admit, I do occasionally have a "dumb blonde" moment every so often, but when I ask a question to try and make sense of something I don't think I should get disrespected and treated like I'm stupid - I'm his wife, not his employee or one of his brothers - doesn't making me feel stupid for asking questions kinda go against that?

ugh, we'll see how it goes, if he tones it down any - the counseling doesn't sound like a bad idea though if it keeps up, it just scares me that it's only been about 7 months...

Thanks again though, venting earlier seemed to help calm me down a little.

Friends since December 1997, together since December 2006
September 13, 2008 I legally became his and he became mine.

I tend to write long posts - short and simple doesn't exist with me!
That's how I am, take it or leave it.

MovieBits - your source for reviews, news and more!
www.moviebits.blogspot.com

MrsJ

Does he do this at work too? The smartass comments toward his coworkers or customers? I'm asking because this habit of his isn't something he can change for one part of his life, his home life with you, but not another part. It has to be a full active change for every day interactions. It's like me and swearing. I work with a bunch of construction guys that just swear up a storm in normal conversation so I picked it up more in every day conversation. But DH doesn't like swearing for no reason so he'd get mad at me when I'd swear. Eventually I learned not to keep the contact with the guys who swore a lot to a minimum and I stopped swearing as much.

If he's aware of this bad habit as you suggested, he should actively apologize for it right away and not just act like nothing happened. It is something he can't help, it just slips out. But if he knows he's doing it he should apologize immediately. I can sympathize with that. Similarly, I used to say "I know" a lot. But not in a nice way. I don't know how to emphasize how I said it, but it was very...condesending. It made my mom feel stupid, she was already insecure about her intelligence and for me to do that to her made it worse. I didn't realize this until my dad approached me about it. He said that if I continued to feed that bad habit, I would eventually alienate people. That even though I'm smart, I don't have to be a smartass because then I'd just look like an ass.

So eventually I started noticing when I was annoyed and would want to say some smartass comment but I learned to bite my tounge for the most part. I still sigh when I'm annoyed, that's just something I haven't been able to control as well. But if it affected someone I cared about, DH for example, I usually apologize or do what it is they want or need immediately.

I'm not really sure how that helps, but I do sympathize with your DH so maybe from his perspective he is working on it. For me, someone just had to tell me "hey that wasn't nice" and I'd turn around and apologize. I'm not sure what will work for him, but I would think your throwing a pager at him isn't really the best reaction. So, I would also suggest going to a couples counselor if only to help communicate what's happening on both ends of your relationship.

~~~~~~~~
together is a perfect place to be because it's there that you can be delightfully imperfect. and there's nothing closer to perfection than being loved just because you are. 

Mrs. J, I don't really have any suggestions for your actual problem, other than just to talk to your DH.

However, if you want to save money on your cable bill, have you considered switching to verizon? It's not available everywhere yet, but we are saving $100/month. We had Charter, and after our 12 month deal expired, and they raised our rates in January, our bill was up to $178! We switched to Verizon, and now we get our cable, phone, internet, and DVR box for less than $100. It's supposed to be $99 a month, but we just got our bill for this month and it was only $78. We also get about twice as many channels as we did before.