Canceling Wedding...Right Decision?

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Cortie24 Posts : 27 Registered: 1/7/08
Canceling Wedding...Right Decision?
Posted: Apr 30, 2009 6:22 PM

I recently found out that my fiance has a gambling problem that he has managed to hide from me for almost 2 years. He has spent thousands of dollars of our money and lied dozens of time to cover his ass. I had him go stay at his parents' house, nearly three hours away and begun postponing services with wedding vendors. Myhead is telling me to get out while I can (no marriage, kids, house, etc.), but I love him so much, my resolve is starting to wear down. Add on the fact that he is sending me messages apologizing and telling me all the things I want to hear, and I am terrified that I am going to backslide. I'm lonely, I don't want to be without him, and the prospect of having to live a life different than the one we planned together is heartbreaking.

My parents and close friends are all telling me I am doing the right thing, but I am so scared that I'm not. I'd appreciate any thoughts anyone would be willing to share.

"When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." - Billy Crystal, When Harry met Sally

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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Canceling Wedding...Right Decision?
Posted: Apr 30, 2009 7:19 PM Go to message in response to: Cortie24

You ARE making the right decision and the BRAVE decision. It's easier to take him back....but it's not what is best for you. Your head is giving you sound advice, and your heart is saying "but we love him." Yes, but think on this. I absolutely LOVE chocolate. But I can't just have chocolate 24/7. It's bad to have that much chocolate. I'd be a blimp for one, but I'd also be really unhealthy.

But it is worse than this with him. He IS poison to you. HIS gambling debts become yours. He can completely destroy your family -- cause you to lose your home and job, even, with this.

Where am I coming from with this? I'm divorced. And in the months coming up to my wedding, I badly wanted to call it off and I didn't have the courage to do so. Pride and all that, plus not wanting to disappoint people. Besides, I loved him. So I didn't listen to my head and I continued along. I was divorced 15 months later.

The thing is... afterwards I found out a lot of information about him that would have truly caused me to call it off had I known ahead of time. One of those things was drugs - we lived NEXT DOOR to a police officer, and he was doing marijuana on our back porch and god knows what else in the house. I've never done marijuana so I didn't know what it smelled like, I would not have recognized it. It could have caused me to get into some serious legal issues had the police officer done something about it.... they would not have distinguished between him the user and me the wife. There were drugs IN MY HOME! When I found them, I flushed them, and ripped him a new one for bringing them in. But yes, he could have gotten ME arrested.

CANCEL your wedding. Do you want to be in bankruptcy because of him? Do you want potential legal ramifications chasing you around? What else is he into?

Misty

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karebeartg Posts : 831 Registered: 6/25/08
Re: Canceling Wedding...Right Decision?
Posted: Apr 30, 2009 7:27 PM Go to message in response to: CatStandish

Oh good Cat. You had much more help than I probably can give.

I agree. I think you would be making the right decision.

MAYBE, maybe, if FH cleans up his act (like, Gambler's Anonymous), over time, you can forgive him. But in the meantime, that's no way to start a marriage.

Good luck!

 

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JCBeaver76 Posts : 11 Registered: 2/27/09
Re: Canceling Wedding...Right Decision?
Posted: May 1, 2009 1:18 PM Go to message in response to: Cortie24

Cortie:

You are absolutely making the right decision. A friend of mine married a compulsive gambler, not good.

Their story is this: they had been together for a couple of years and she knew that he liked to gamble, but I don't think she ever knew the extent of it. They ended up getting married, mostly because all of her friends were married and having kids, so she was kinda feeling left out, even tho she won't admit it.

She figured that she could change him and get him to cut back on the gambling after they were married. I knew they were in trouble when they wanted to buy a house and couldn't qualify for a mortgage since his credit was in the toilet.

Long story short, she filed for divorce after 8 months of marriage. Her husband gambled away all the wedding money, even sold the gift cards for cash, and even talked her into buying a time share in Atlantic City. Not to mention maxing out credit cards. He fancied himself a great poker player and felt he was just 1 session away from breaking even.

So what it all comes down to is you are making the right decision. Cut your losses and run. Do not take him back and cut all ties with him. Gambling is a major addiction and just as hard to kick as drugs or booze.

Good luck, and just keep telling yourself you are making the right "call" (sorry, pun intended, LOL)

(insert obligatory "You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em" reference."


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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: Canceling Wedding...Right Decision?
Posted: May 1, 2009 7:32 PM Go to message in response to: Cortie24

I'm so sorry you are going through this but Cat is right. Now it's a better time to leave than later. Why should you suffer because of him? I think you should mopve out and call off the wedding and see if he improves on his money issues. If you don't see an improvement then it's really time to move on and look for someone else. If you do see an improvement give it some time and maybe you two can make it work. Goodluck.
                              

 

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Canceling Wedding...Right Decision?
Posted: May 1, 2009 7:53 PM Go to message in response to: Cortie24

Cortie - You have to make the best decision for yourself first - and it sounds like you are. He's lied countless times - that would be enough for me.

Better to get out now BEFORE you are married.

Good luck and best wishes.

 

 

 

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christinalc Posts : 8 Registered: 4/1/09
Re: Canceling Wedding...Right Decision?
Posted: May 4, 2009 7:30 PM Go to message in response to: Cortie24

I think at this point you are making the right choice by calling off the wedding. It's not to say that you have to completely cut him out of your life especially if you can't see yourself without him. im sure as you said that you really love him so maybe you could try to help him deal with his gambling problem and if you feel after time that he has/hasn't made a change then take it from there but of course if you feel that you just need to move on or that he is beyond helping then you should go ahead and do what's best for you even if that means not having him in your life.

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CoutureBride27 Posts : 130 Registered: 5/5/09
Re: Canceling Wedding...Right Decision?
Posted: May 5, 2009 10:46 AM Go to message in response to: Cortie24

No relationship is ever without any hurdles, and unfortunately those dearest to us tend to hurt us the deepest. I understand that the lies are so hurtful, and I'm sure you wonder how these things were hidden from you for such a long time, the betrayel is so damaging. However, when you made the decision to marry him, it must have been because of a love that runs deeper than anything. In most cases addiction becomes a persons life, and to break these habits aren't done easily, only by professional help.


My advice to you would be to postpone the wedding for now, have an in depth discussion with your fiance, if your love means enough he must go for professional help.


Sometimes it's not worth giving up so soon, regardless of how dark things may seem at the moment. From a personal point I can say that I'm incredibly happy that I stood by my man when he was having a hard time, however, you cannot force someone to change, if it's not from the heart it won't be permanently.


Good luck, I hope it all works out for the best!


Cherish all your happy moments:  they make a fine cushion for old age.

**Christopher Morley**

9 MONTHS 'TILL I MARRY THE MAN OF MY DREAMS

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Lilmisssouthern... Posts : 658 Registered: 8/12/08
Re: Canceling Wedding...Right Decision?
Posted: May 5, 2009 11:06 AM Go to message in response to: CoutureBride27

I think that you are doing the right thing. I am sure that everything he is saying to you now is all stuff you want to hear but in the end gambling is an addiction like drugs and while people can get help for it most don't and he would have to want to get help for it to work...

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BrideFirstLawye... Posts : 25 Registered: 5/5/09
Re: Canceling Wedding...Right Decision?
Posted: May 6, 2009 3:07 AM Go to message in response to: Cortie24

I think it's a good ideal to cancel or postpone the wedding. However, personally, I believe that you should try to work it out. I truly believe that when you recite "for better or for worse" these are the type of situations those words are talking about. It is very easy for a person to turn around and run when the "sh*t hits the fan" in a relationship. If the situation was different and you didnt find out about this addiction until after you got married, would you divorce him right away or try to help him and your marriage by working it out? If your fiance does have a gambling problem, then it is no different than having a drug or alcohol problem, thus the lying is an unfortunate part of the sickness. In his mind he is truly remorseful for hurting you and probably feels that he can overcome this sickness on his own. However, what he needs first and foremost is help and counseling before you two get married.

And yes, it's easy for me and everyone (including your family and friends) to give you advice on what to do, but at the end of the day keep everyone out of your relationship except for you and your fiance. Because if you two do indeed work it out, he is your main priority and you two are a unit and a family.

I will keep you and your fiance in my prayers. Good luck!

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avalon1259 Posts : 2 Registered: 5/6/09
Re: Canceling Wedding...Right Decision?
Posted: May 6, 2009 4:34 PM Go to message in response to: BrideFirstLawye...

I have canceled mine also and for good cause. I think that it is a hard decision and if made then whatever the outcome will be the right thing.
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LillyJoyAnna Posts : 3 Registered: 1/23/09
Re: Canceling Wedding...Right Decision?
Posted: May 8, 2009 1:37 PM Go to message in response to: Cortie24

You are absolutely doing the right thing. Deception, lies and destructive addictions do not start a marriage well- and you're very smart to realize that. I think if your fiance really loves you then he'll realize that you mean business. Maybe he'll clean up his act and get help. I pray that he does. But in the meantime you are doing the best thing by pulling out. I know it's really difficult but in the long run, only good can come from it.
Best wishes, sister!

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db2b08 Posts : 12 Registered: 3/14/07
Re: Canceling Wedding...Right Decision?
Posted: May 28, 2009 2:42 PM Go to message in response to: LillyJoyAnna

My story: My high school sweetheart and I were engaged (dated for 7 years on and off) and had set a wedding date about 10 months out. I had just turned 21 and felt like there was so much for me to experience yet before getting married. It was my decision to postpone the wedding and we actually didn't see each other (see or talk) for about 5 months. After 5 months we started talking, took things real slow and dated for another year and he proposed again. We are getting married this summer and couldn't be more happy. I was the one to call of the wedding, he was the one to break the relationship off because he couldn't handle it. We did alot of growing while we were apart but also realized that we loved each other so much. We both actually went on dates with other people while we were separated for the five months and found that we wanted to be with each other.

We both thought the other was done with us and I made the 100 mile trip to see him (long distance since high school) and we stayed up all night and cried, laughed, hugged. It was a start and here we are today. We have come miles since the first engagement; we've forgiven, we've loved; we knew it wouldn't work or it would be better than ever and it is better than ever.

In all honesty, I COULDN'T HAVE MADE A BETTER DECISION TO POSTPONE THE WEDDING THE FIRST TIME. I don't have to wonder about anything anymore and it is a great feeling. I'm marrying my best friend with the utmost confidence.

That is my story; my advice to you: Postpone for now. Try to work things out. If you can't, take a break from each other.

***What's meant to be will always find a way***

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Gaby0 Posts : 45 Registered: 5/25/09
Re: Canceling Wedding...Right Decision?
Posted: May 28, 2009 3:06 PM Go to message in response to: Cortie24

You are doing the right thing. The problem with addiction is that you will have the addiction what matter is tha decision to act on them. He needs therapy and the fact that he used money that belonged to you both and didn't tell you anything is a big problem.


One addiction can lead to another one. Right now he is gambling with your guys money but with whos money he is going to gamble next??!! Is he going to be able to say "I don't have any more money, so i'm not going to gamble anymore" or is he going to look for more money to gamble?

This can be really dangerous for your finances and for your well being.

There are hundred of stories about gambling addicts that go to loan sharks for money and end up with their life ruin.


I know is hard but you need to think about yourself and if you want to take that risk with your life and that of your family.

He is going to tell you everything you want to hear and that they are going to change but thats the same with every person who did something wrong , is the same with abusers, rapist , addicts, and criminals.

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TanisJ Posts : 2,669 Registered: 4/25/07
Re: Canceling Wedding...Right Decision?
Posted: May 28, 2009 4:57 PM Go to message in response to: Cortie24

Cortie I can only imagine what a difficult decision this is for you, but it is definitely the right decision. You wrote "I'm lonely, I don't want to be without him, and the prospect of having to live a life different than the one we planned together is heartbreaking." but the thing is the life that you planned together will be different whether you stay together or not becuase now you know about the addiction. Your plan did not include addiction, gambling debts, lies and deceit. What you thought your life would be like is not the reality. Committing to 'for better or 'is a really a leap of faith for all of us because none of us know what the 'worse' is going to be but knowing there is this kind of addiction would really make me wonder what kind of 'worse' I was really signing up for. Sex and money are the two biggest enders of marriages and you already know that money could be a huge issue. Trust is also a big issue when it comes to real commitment and you have also had that broken.

Please continue to talk to your family and friends. Tell them your fears and that you are lonely. Let them be your backup.

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