A Friendly Forum for Young Brides.

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ryanne Posts : 1,042 Registered: 4/27/06
Re: A Friendly Forum for Young Brides.
Posted: Apr 29, 2009 12:13 AM Go to message in response to: Ariana1228

Hey girls! Thank you all so much for the encouragement! It helps to know that people understand and that I'm not alone in how I feel. :-)

This is a really smart thing for us to do. I know that, and it's my mantra. I tell myself all of those things over and over "This is a good thing, this will pay off in the end, this is worth it." Every single day I tell myself those things.

I just feel so let down. Deprived, even. And it just drives me to tears knowing that my first two years of marriage are going to be spent like this.

It's even worse than normal right now because finals are just a couple of weeks away and Chris is sick again. He had pnuemonia in January and has had a lingering cough ever since. He recently changed doctors and the new doc sent him for a chest xray, which showed that things were fine. That was about a month ago, and over the last week, the cough has gone from just dry and only when he got his heart rate up to really phlegmy and almost constant, with a 3-day long headache to boot. We think that last Monday's escapade triggered it, because we were in a smoky bar for several hours and neither of us are used to that. That's what triggered the pnuemonia in January (he got sick after we did a little bar hopping on New Years Eve with some friends), so we made an appointment for him to see the doctor tomorrow morning. I really hope they figure this out, because Chris has been miserable! And the thing is, we haven't been around that much smoke in between New Years and now, and both times Chris has ended up sick. So we are pretty sure that had a lot to do with what's going on now.

Anyway...soory to be such a downer. I am REALLY looking forward to my summer break! I feel like I really, really need it!

Ariana--I'm sorry to hear about what's going on with your parents. I definitely think that some family counseling would be very beneficial, and that might be what your dad needs to wake up. I was watching Intervention last night and the episode was about a 21 year old guy living with his parents. He has diabetes but won't take care of it, suffers from depression and some social issues (as in, he has no friends). His parents and some close family did an intervention because they are tired of worrying about him and tired of just watching him die before their eyes. His mom has MS and lupus, and the severe stress caused by her sons issues was taking a huge toll on her physically and emotionally. Reading your story made me think about that. Unfortunately, I got busy (I'm a multi-tasker, lol) and didn't find out how the end of the whole thing turned out. But I would definitely seek family counseling--even if your dad won't go, it will help you and your mom learn how to deal with him and things to do so that he can't treat you guys the way he has been. hugs Good luck hun!

Black Diamond--Hang in there girly!! Finals are almost here and then we will be on BREAK!!!

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Rose217 Posts : 474 Registered: 8/9/08
Re: A Friendly Forum for Young Brides.
Posted: Apr 29, 2009 2:19 AM Go to message in response to: ryanne

Autumn- It always sucks when life doesn't go according to plan and it looks like things might not work out like you hoped. I hope things don't get too complicated over this potential job, but try not to worry too much- nothing is set and you don't have to make any decisions yet. :)

Nessa- Wow your hair is gorgeous! I wish I had waves and curls like that. Hope you continue to get healthier and try not to stress about the RSVPs because there isn't much you can do about it, other than telling your mom and FMIL to start hunting people down and demanding an answer, lol.

Natasha- I got excited that you posted again. I'm so happy for you that things with Nate are going well! I just saw my flatmate for the first time in almost a week because she's falling hard for a boy and can't stop cuddling with him! Seriously. She was practically glowing though, so it's pretty cute.

Ryanne- I'm really sorry that you're stuck in that situation- the short paragraph about living with an old lady and walking around boxes of your stuff was so sad but illustrated the circumstances clearly. Nobody wants that, but I think you're really strong for dealing with it and mature to accept that it's best. Feeling down occasionally is okay, though I do hope you and FH can grow closer and more intimate again. Start your countdown till you get your own place now: 12 months...

BlackDiamond- Maybe you can make it up to FH with a back massage? Works on my guy every time! He's also the one who lets me vent, calms me down, provides an objective voice, then gives me a hug and sends me on my much happier way. Best friends are great that way!

Ariana- What a horrible situation for everyone involved. I agree that counseling would probably help your mother and it's sweet of you to offer to go. Your father needs it as well, though it doesn't sound like he's willing to accept help from anybody. Continue supporting your mom, I can't even imagine how confused she must be right now. Sounds like she's finally realizing the possibility of having a life and being happy without him, which has to be terrifying after spending more than half her life with him. She's got some tough soul searching and decisions ahead of her. ...Who knows? Maybe a divorce would be the wake up call your dad needs. Then again, it could hurt him immensely and your mom might not be willing to inflict further unhappiness on him.

It sounds like you and FH have a healthy relationship with great communication, which is one of the pillars I firmly believe in for a successful, happy partnership. And thank you for the comments on long distance. Every relationship has it's challenges and this is ours, though it's made us stronger so in the end it might be an...appreciated...thing.

Jeanie- Oh no, I'm sorry to hear that! Good luck talking to the priest, I really hope there's a loophole or a kind person that will help you.








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Ariana1228 Posts : 281 Registered: 3/2/08
Re: A Friendly Forum for Young Brides.
Posted: Apr 29, 2009 10:40 AM Go to message in response to: Rose217

Thanks guys for all your replies ... I really appreciate it.

It is a tough situation to be in and I know my mom makes comments to my dad about getting divorced and moving out, but he doesn't change because I think he doesn't think it will happen, or maybe doesn't want to think that it will. Who knows?!

Ryanne - you actually gave me a good idea with the intervention thing. I watch that show sometimes when I have time and I am wondering if maybe my family can do our own intervention?! You know have everyone come to my house and tell him how we feel and that if he chooses not to help himself we won't do anything for him anymore. Like ask him to family functions or do him any favors of stuff like that maybe. I think that he MAY listen only because we are all there and he has to listen and MIGHT realize how he is affecting everyone involved and DO SOMETHING about it. Then maybe we can say that we have no problem going to counseling with him until he finds the right person that he feels comfortable talking to. I think that is the problem with counseling sometimes ... if you don't find the right doctor you like and feel comfortable talking to you don't tell them everything that is on your mind. In order to get better you have to tell them everything that is bothering you, so once again communication is key.

About your living situation I feel so bad, I know how you must feel with the stress from living there and exams and Chris being sick ... I really hope that his doctor's appt goes well and everything works out. Good luck!!

Jeanie - I am sorry about the church thing, do your parents go regularly to that parish? Maybe they can make an exception for you. I hope so!

How is everyone doing with planning and stuff? Is anyone planning a summer BBQ or cookout or something?

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NessaRae615 Posts : 675 Registered: 9/23/08
Re: A Friendly Forum for Young Brides.
Posted: Apr 29, 2009 11:27 AM Go to message in response to: Ariana1228

Good morning Girls! I finally made it back to work, but today may be killer, my boss asked me to come in early, and stay as late as I can.....Apparently there are property tours tomarrow (I work for a company that owns several shopping center, and one of the largest malls on the 16th Street mall here in Denver) and then on Friday there is some huge meeting and presentation, so everyone is going crazy, really bad week for me to be sick. All well I can use the extra money!! Hopefully it will make up for me missing Yesterday and Monday.

Ryann~ I hope Chris gets better soon! Thats terrible he has been sick so long! It once to my doctor 7 months to figure out I had a sinus infection....So I am not fond of doctors at all!! Chest x-rays are really tricky though, there could be something in his lungs, but the x-ray could have come out beautifly (I am an x-ray tech and I hate chest x-rays!!)

Ariana~ Wow your dad does still sound a lot like mine, he had several heart attacks, and had to have a 5way bypass because just about all of his arteries were closed, yet when he got home he refused to stop smoking, eating bacon, working like a mad man, ect. He is finally seeing that that isn't working for him any more, him and my mom both just quit smoking (granted he only quit due to the price of cigs now and him being a cheapscape) and he is taking a lot better care of himself. Since I have ben gone I don't know what caused it, but I am certanly not complaining. I think that your mom should start with a trial seperation. It sounds like she has been threating to leave, but hasn't acted on it so he thinks she won't and doesn't get scared about it. Maybe if she really does leave for a while he will see that he misses her, and that he needs to change, and will be more willing to. Aww I know how hard it is and I send lots of hugs your way!!

Jeanie~Thats horrible that they won't let you have your ceremony there. I know my church you have to be a member, or a former member. One of the guys that was in my youth group years ago is getting maried there this weekend, and he hasn't attended church there in years. But I think my chirch asks for a donation if your not a member. I will keep my fingers crossed for you that you can get a hold of someone that remembers you, or someone with a heart! Are your parents still members there?? That may help?

About the summer bbqs and what not the only one I am planning right now is our rehearsal dinner. I found a really nice state park that has the covered little patio things and bbq grills, so we rented one of those and we are all going to just get together and relax, let the boys drink some beer, and hang out. Right now we live in an apartment with a tiny patio so theres no bbqing going on there unfortantly...But we do go to my parents a lot in the summer for it!

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Rose217 Posts : 474 Registered: 8/9/08
Re: A Friendly Forum for Young Brides.
Posted: Apr 29, 2009 1:42 PM Go to message in response to: NessaRae615

I'm looking for a place to live Aug-Dec/Jan and toured two places I really liked yesterday, but I don't know which to choose!

Rent, utilities, and location are basically the same. Both are furnished, have optional parking, laundry on site, and a bathroom shared with one other woman.

The main difference is the setting: one is a (small) room I'd be subletting in a 3 bedroom apartment with two other girls. The other is a studio (efficiency) apartment.

Both are new experiences--living on my own or moving in with 2 girls I don't know. I told both I'd get back to them no later than Friday.

Any advice or opinions??? I can't make up my mind!

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Ariana1228 Posts : 281 Registered: 3/2/08
Re: A Friendly Forum for Young Brides.
Posted: Apr 29, 2009 2:24 PM Go to message in response to: Rose217

Rose - the only thing that I can say is that you don't know the other 2 girls and ya it might be a great experience you might really enjoy living with them but at the same time what if it is awful? The main difference between the 2 is privacy. Living in your own place, you can do what you want and you have as much privacy as you want. Living with other people, you don't. Maybe look at it that way.

Also living by yourself can also be lonely at the same so just weigh out the prons and cons based on how you feel about each different living situation.

Hope this helps!!

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NessaRae615 Posts : 675 Registered: 9/23/08
Re: A Friendly Forum for Young Brides.
Posted: Apr 29, 2009 2:33 PM Go to message in response to: Ariana1228

I would defantly go for the studio apartment.....Although personaly, I need my own bathroom. I LOVE LONG hot baths, and hate being interupted. But more than that I would hate living with someone I don't know. I usualy don't like people from the get go kinda have trust issues, so I would rather be on my own. When I met FH he lived in a studio apartment and it was perfect for one person. Good luck!


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jeaniebelle87 Posts : 137 Registered: 11/23/07
Re: A Friendly Forum for Young Brides.
Posted: Apr 29, 2009 3:49 PM Go to message in response to: Rose217

Have you met the girls you would be living with? And if you do the studio, is it big enough to put a curtain or screen of some sort up to separate your bed from your living area? I've lived in both situations (being a new yorker, small apartments are pretty much my life) and I've had both miserable and awesome experiences in both. If your studio isn't big enough to at least hide your bed when you're not sleeping, lots of people will sort of make themselves at home and it will probably become an extension of your living area. Some people are okay with that, but if freaks me out. I don't want anyone else hanging out on my bed! lol With the other one, if you can email, or some other way chat with the other girls living there, ask questions about things like how you deal with guests, cleaning, control of the shared space, schedules (if you go to bed early and get up early, but your flatmate goes to bed late and gets up late, it can be a recipe for disaster!) etc, and if things sound good then that might be the way to go.
I don't know if that helps at all...

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Autumnalis2010 Posts : 133 Registered: 1/12/09
Re: A Friendly Forum for Young Brides.
Posted: Apr 29, 2009 4:20 PM Go to message in response to: NessaRae615

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Ariana1228 Posts : 281 Registered: 3/2/08
Re: A Friendly Forum for Young Brides.
Posted: Apr 29, 2009 8:27 PM Go to message in response to: Autumnalis2010

Autumn - I get really annoyed too! I'm like wtf is wrong with you kind of thing sometimes. Like you said it is sooo frustrating to see someone treat themselves like that and not care and in addition not really care what anyone else has to say and/or feel about this issue. As I stated earlier I thought that an invervention was a good idea and I might do one with my family. Like I said have everyone come over and tell them how they feel and then maybe if that doesn't work, my mom can say she tried and may feel more comfortable going for the separation. I told her today that her main problem is that she has to stop doing things for him, I call her an enabeler and said she really isn't helping the issue. Not to say don't feed the guy, but don't go buy him ciggs, don't rush home to cook for him, leave extra things in the fridge so he always has something to eat in case she is out, don't pick up after him, only tell him that she will wash clothes if they are in the hamper where they belong and that kind of stuff. I might you bascially have to play tough love with him I think and treat him as you would a young teenager who isn't listening to you. The more that she is available the more that he pushes. He is completely capable of taking care of himself she just makes it so he doesn't have to. He knows not to ask me to do things for him because as I said I won't just because I don't believe in it.

I feel that if he wants to smoke that is his business, but IMO he shouldn't be ... like I think Nessa said the price of ciggs are unbelievable, smoke outside not in the house where you affect everyone's health, and guy and buy your own shit ... you want it go and get it ya know!!

Anyways ... I also really want to get my own place, I have wanted to for awhile, it is just that FH and I want to save money for building our house next year, but I just don't know if I am going to live in my house if it is like this for another 2 years. I just figured that after I got my master's and got a really good job I could bank some major cash so FH and I have money for the house and wedding and can save enough for a safety net. I know I mentioned earlier that I loooove kids and can't wait to have them, so if we save up enough I am hoping I can talk FH in to trying 1 year after we got married. Only because we want to have 3 kids and we don't want them too close in age. I know I am young and all and have time, but I really, really want kids and I don't know how long I can really wait. :)

Also I have my last 2 classes of the semester tomorrow!!! So excited about that, and then I just have 2 exams on Monday and I am done and graduating!!!!! YAYAYAYAYAY!!! I really can't wait, just in case you can't tell. Well talking about school, I should get back to doing my homework that is due tomorrow! Talk to you all soon and once again thanks for all your help and kind words about everything I really appreciate the fact that I can talk to all of you so openly about stuff, but yet I have never met any of you in person, lol!!

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Rose217 Posts : 474 Registered: 8/9/08
Re: A Friendly Forum for Young Brides.
Posted: Apr 29, 2009 8:39 PM Go to message in response to: Autumnalis2010

I appreciate all of your input on sublets vs. studios, thank you!

The studio is a rectangle so putting up a curtain isn't really an
option, though I don't expect to have company hardly ever, as many of my
friends have graduated and my close girlfriends will have a house
nearby I'd visit. My boyfriend would be there on the occassional
weekend but sharing space or asking him to not sit on my bed isn't an
issue. I could probably fit a couch/futon/loveseat in there if I
wanted. I like my independence and I've learned to embrace solitude in the past year, but I do wonder if I could fend off the loneliness. Maybe I could get a pet, lol.

I haven't met the girls I'd share the apartment with, but if I agreed to live there we'd meet before/while I signed the sublet papers. Judging from their bedrooms, the apartment, and the little info I have about them I think we'd get along and coexist peacefully, though that says nothing about personality or habits. Cleaning is split between everyone, food is mostly separate, they'll be senior engineering majors so studying is a priority but I saw beer in the fridge and they both have serious boyfriends so they're not asocial prudes. Nessa made a good point about feeling like I'd be in "their" space, as far as the living room and kitchen are concerned, but I could always relax in my room or the library too.

It's so tough to predict what living with people will be like! Over the past two years in my current house, the dynamic has changed majorly several times and everyone has grown up and changed, friendships have started or died, it's been so interesting. There are 11 of us, everyone knew someone and one guy knew everyone, but the first time we were all in the same room together was to sign the lease. We would have made for an interesting case study for a sociologist, lol!


I've got to go study now but I'll return later to comment on the other posts....

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Coquille Posts : 7 Registered: 8/1/08
Re: A Friendly Forum for Young Brides.
Posted: Apr 29, 2009 11:18 PM Go to message in response to: Rose217

Hey ladies!!!..
sorry it has been awhile i've been back and forth with bad allergies, dysfunctional ear tubes... my tonsils became irritated but not bad enough for them to be removed..... i absolutely hate doctors.... they can say all that stuff but they are not the ones who are trying to swallow water without wincing!!!!!!!... or to the point of tears because their ears wont stop feeling like there is a knife in there...
Sorry for the rant im frustrated....
Everyones plans seem to be coming along great!!!!!!
I have a question for yall.... would you be mad/frustrated at your FH if he kept buying rifles,ammo,gun powder,etc. when he knows the financial problems we might have with paying for things like the apartment, the wedding, a car if he keeps this up???? need your advice ladies!!!!


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ryanne Posts : 1,042 Registered: 4/27/06
Re: A Friendly Forum for Young Brides.
Posted: Apr 30, 2009 12:35 AM Go to message in response to: NessaRae615

Nessa: How are you feeling? Was work alright?

Ariana: I'm so excited for you that you're almost done with school! I can't wait till I can say that!

Rose: I would definitely opt to live on my own if I were you! I know that you're going to be seperated from your FH for quite awhile, when he gets back it'll be nice to have your own place to reconnect without dealing with other people. A pet would really help you not feel so lonely as well!

Coquille: You poor girl!! My ears and throat have felt like that before and I know it is hell. All I can suggest is lots of Ibprofen (spelling?) or Aleve to reduce the swelling and pain.hugs Hope you feel better soon!

As far as your FH's spending goes, it all depends. Is he buying that stuff instead of paying other bills? Is he still saving money? How often does he make these purchases? I feel like as long as he is working and saving his money, he should be able to buy things now and then. Do you guys have a joint account? A budget? If not, maybe now would be a good time to get one/make one so that you both can get a really clear picture of where your money is going so that you can evaluate if something really does need to give. Also, maybe setting goal amounts to save up for the wedding, the apartment, etc. would help because it gives you something to work towards and help keep other spending in check.

So Chris went to the doctor this morning and his doctor gave him a z-pack and prednizone (spelling) to get rid of the cough, and told him to take mucinex dm as well to get rid of the phlegm. I talked to him a little bit ago and he feels much better! Hopefully this will get rid of everything. If he doesn't get better he's supposed to go back to the doctor next week.


In other news...my 18-year-old sister got a tattoo today! I don't have any myself, and don't plan on getting any because I have such a low pain tolerance, but I don't mind them if there is meaning to them. lol. Anyway, the one she got was designed by her boyfriend--she told him what she wanted and he drew it and they took it and had it done--and it is very meaningful to her. She's a dancer so the tattoo is a pair of pointe shoes with the ribbons spelling out "dance" above them in cursive. Its just a black outline with some gray shading, so it isn't anything gaudy. Oh, and it's on the top of her foot (kind of appropriate since it's pointe shoes, I think) so she can cover it up pretty easily. She is so excited about it! Let me know if you'd like to see a picture and I'll upload it tomorrow--my home computer is deathly slow!!

Alrighty girls, I have laundry to do so I'll talk to you all in the morning!


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jeaniebelle87 Posts : 137 Registered: 11/23/07
Re: A Friendly Forum for Young Brides.
Posted: Apr 30, 2009 4:39 AM Go to message in response to: ryanne

Ryanne- I'm glad to hear the doctor was able to do something! Hopefully this will help him get better :) And I think your sister's tattoo sounds cute! I also would be unable to get one done because the mere thought of voluntarily being poked with a needle makes me cringe, but your sister's tat sounds very special, and that seems like a smart place to get it done; easy to show off and easy to cover!

Ariana: I technically graduated this Dec, but I have commencement and all that jazz with the rest of my class in two weeks. I'm so excited as well! It feels so good to know its all over. I loved getting my undergrad degree, but time for bigger and better things, right? Anyways, CONGRATS on finishing (well, very soon)!!!!!

Coquille: I hope you feel better soon! The spending thing is tricky. If it were my FH, I would be an unhappy camper because he was buying guns and ammo regardless of how much he was spending, but that's because of my own personal beliefs, and they're beliefs which I don't think others have to share, so that aside... If FH was spending money we had agreed to save, I would make sure I was nice and calm and then find a way to bring it up in a conversation. I wouldn't tell him he needs to stop spending immediately or entirely, but rather would have an open discussion on what I thought we had agreed on, and what he needs and try to find a compromise, or at least to get us both on the same page as far as what we're spending and what we're saving. I would say talk to him about it, so it doesn't boil up inside!

So, my mom decided to personally go to the church (she and my dad still go there) and talk to one of the priests, and he said I was misinformed, so I freaked out for nothing, big sigh of relief! Now I just have to call this particular priest back to talk about specific dates and get something set, and figure out a schedule for getting back to MN for marriage prep classes, which might be a bit tough. Gah! Everything is so complicated! But, I guess that's life, and what fun are things without a little complication?
Also, I found an apartment in CT where I'm moving, and I got my cap and gown for my graduation ceremony, so my big move out of the city is starting to seem very real all of the sudden!

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NessaRae615 Posts : 675 Registered: 9/23/08
Re: A Friendly Forum for Young Brides.
Posted: Apr 30, 2009 11:34 AM Go to message in response to: jeaniebelle87

Good morning girls!

Rose~ I would defantly get a pet....If you can (I know a lot of places are picky) I say a kitten!! They're great!! We have 2 and whenever I am feeling down, or sick they know it and come cuddle me, plus they are great entertainment....and not as dependant as a dog so you can leave em for longer hours (supposivly, ours are so spoiled we can't)

Coll~ I am sorry to hear your sick also! I hate doctors with a passion. I had a sinus infection a few years back and went to the Dr. to get some antibiotics so it would go away and I wouldn't miss school or work (I didn't have time to be sick I was a senior in high school, taking 3 college classes, and working) He listened to my lungs and freaked out thinking I had pnemonia, then when he was doing the rubbing my belly thing, my right side hurt REALLY bad so he thought I had apendasitis too....So he sent me to the hospital for a chest x-ray made an appointment later that evning to go over my x-ray with me, when I went back my side hurt even more so he made me go to the ER (the x-ray showed I had a very mild case of bronchitus...) So I spent 6 miserable hours in the ER to be dismissed with abdominal pain of unknown orgin....I had pulled a muscle the day before and forgot about it. So a couple more weeks went by and my sinus infection got worse and was making me sick to my stomack I went back and he was sending me for all kinds of wierd tests on my stomach.....5 months later he finally listened to me that I had a sinus infection gave me antibiotics that did nothing gave me a second does and sent me fore a sinus x-ray......He personally called me to tell me I needed to see an ENT (ear nose and throat Dr.) because my sinuses were the worst infected he has seen in his 20 years of being a Dr. so I go to the ENT I was assigned to....Total BITCH! She didn't want to do anything with me untill I naturaly got my allergies under control, I was flying to London in like 2 weeks and was hopping to have everything under control before that...Nope 2 months later my insurance ran out, and I got sent to another ENT who looked at my original x-ray said yup we need to do surgery, and in less than a week I was in the opperating room...Only took 7 months.....I hope you get better soon! Oh and about your FH buying all that....me personally I would be pissed, but thats because I am not fond of that stuff....But I would talk to him calmly, sit down and make a budget, show him here is what we are brining in, here is how much we need for bills, here is how much we need to save, and here is what is left over for both of us to spend(if theres any left....there isn't any for us) But do not attack him and say you can't be spending....Hope that helps!!

Ryann~ I am starting to feel a little better. Work was fine yesterday, it was odd to work 7 hours compaired to my usualy 4....but I will take it. I don't think I am really ready to be working that much cuz once I got home I felt horrible, but here I am bright and early ready to work another long day, tomarrow sounds like it will be long too. I am glad Chris is getting better, Z-packs are a miricale drug in my oppinion, just make sure he takes all of it, I have a bad habbit of feeling better and thinking I don't need any more meds.

Arirana~ Congrats on just about being done!! How exciting!! I hope things work out for you, and you can get your own place.....Living at home sucks!

Jeanie~ That is good you are able to get your church!! And about the pre-marital stuff, could you do it over the phone or something?

Well I should get back to work, I have to do like 11 power points or something today...But I will be checking in peridicly.....(I have terrible ADD and can't consentrait!)

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