Nine year anniversary trying not to get my hopes up

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amberstar Posts : 38 Registered: 6/17/06
Nine year anniversary trying not to get my hopes up
Posted: Apr 20, 2009 8:12 PM

Hi!! May 7th is my 9 year anniversary with my boyfreind- Just need to vent alittle- trying not to get my hopes up just to be disappointed- we have been seriously talking about getting married for about two years- I feel like its coming soon, but with him i never seem to know for sure- we agreed to not spend a lot of money on gifts this year, so that is making me think its not happening- I really hope its soon- I have been ready for about 6 years now- and i am very impatient by nature- wish me luck- i'll keep you posted- thanks for reading!!
ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE!!!!Smile

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: Nine year anniversary trying not to get my hopes up
Posted: Apr 21, 2009 7:50 AM Go to message in response to: amberstar

9 years?! Wow. How old are you if you don't mind me asking? If you are in your mid or late 20's and really want to marry this guy he should hurry up! lol. But you did say that you two talked about marriage so I am sure he will propose soon...let's hope :)
                              

 

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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Nine year anniversary trying not to get my hopes up
Posted: Apr 21, 2009 8:03 AM Go to message in response to: amberstar

Hey Amberstar:

Good luck. I hope he will propose soon; however, if you want to be married, you might need to set a personal deadline by which he needs to propose. Not one that you announce to him, because you don't want him to feel pressured into it. You've discussed it for two years. You've been together nine. How long does he need to be with you to know whether or not you're the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with?

If you figure "propose by 10th anniversary", and he doesn't, that would mean you will need to make a decision. You accept that he's not going to, and stay. Or you tell him that you saw this relationship continuing towards marriage and he obviously feels it has reached its plateau, and you move on.

I do hope he'll propose to you soon. You've been discussing it, but at this point in time -- you've been together longer than a lot of marriages last (true point), and he's still not ready? What will it take for him TO be ready?

Misty

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Nine year anniversary trying not to get my hopes up
Posted: Apr 21, 2009 10:43 AM Go to message in response to: amberstar

Congratulations - we're celebrating our 9-year anniversary this weekend.


Before I offer any advice, is there any good reason for waiting? We had been together 7 years before getting engaged - but we had a very good reason for not getting married earlier. A good friend of mine is getting married in October, and she and her FH have been together for 11 years now - again, met young and had a very good reason for waiting. If somebody is in school, you're very young, you're just starting your careers, or someone is making a career change or starting a business, my advice is to just be patient.

If none of the above or any other 'good reasons' apply, and you're just two normal adults who have no reason not to get married, then you might want to think about how long you want to wait and whether the future you really want is actually going to happen.

I'm not a big fan of ultimatums - instead, I'd suggest that you take things into your own hands. If you've been discussing marriage for two years, what is stopping you from getting married? Are you just waiting for him to propose? Personally, I wouldn't want to take such a passive role. I would step up the marriage conversations and start making some plans. You don't need an elaborate proposal and a fancy ring to be engaged - you simply need two people who have agreed to marry one another, and it seems like you have that.


DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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amberstar Posts : 38 Registered: 6/17/06
Re: Nine year anniversary trying not to get my hopes up
Posted: Apr 21, 2009 12:35 PM Go to message in response to: amberstar

thanks for the advice/help- I really dont want to give him an ultimatum- I love him too much for that- I am willing to wait a bit longer- we are still young- I'm 23, he's 25- when we started dating I was 14 and he was 16- I am graduating in May and he is already done with school-
long story short, I proposed to him about two years ago, he said yes, but wanted to do it officially with a ring- its seems like he is a lot more comfortable with the idea now, I just dont want to get myself worked up and then have it not happen-
ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE!!!!Smile

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adrigirl01 Posts : 287 Registered: 10/2/08
Re: Nine year anniversary trying not to get my hopes up
Posted: Apr 21, 2009 12:48 PM Go to message in response to: amberstar

Well, in my opinion, that means you're engaged :) Which to me means you should go ahead and start making more concrete plans with him. If you asked and he accepted, you're engaged--ring or no ring. Have you tried maybe suggesting dates or venues or anything like that?
Either way, congratulations :)

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Nine year anniversary trying not to get my hopes up
Posted: Apr 21, 2009 1:30 PM Go to message in response to: amberstar

Whew - yeah, you guys are young, so I wouldn't worry just yet! If you started dating at 23 and weren't engaged 9 years later, I'd probably give you different advice, but when you meet your partner that young, it's pretty normal to date that long before getting married. This is just my personal opinion, but I honestly think you're better off NOT being married at your age.

Still, I know it's frustrating, since 'the norm' is to date for less time than that, so there's a certain amount of social pressure on people who've dated longer than 'normal.' Just ignore it and enjoy your relationship as it is NOW. You've got the rest of your life to be married. Enjoy this time - you're lucky that you get to enjoy your relationship for this length of time without having to deal with all the challenges that come with marriage!

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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MrsDH Posts : 27 Registered: 9/15/07
Re: Nine year anniversary trying not to get my hopes up
Posted: Apr 21, 2009 6:10 PM Go to message in response to: amberstar

Hey,

Just wanted to give you some advice from someone who is ( in my opinion ) is not as young.

I met my DH in 2000. He was 23 and I was 21. We dated for seven years straight ( no break ups or breaks ) In those seven years we fell in love, moved in together, purchased things together ( cars, furniture, cell phones, ) started to pay bills together etc......
We basically became one couple. After doing all of that but not "being engaged " or married it was always the question ? When was he going to ask ???
It got annoying after a while, and we talked about it, it always came back to not having enough money. At the end of the day we were getting by but did not have enough for the ring, wedding etc....
Well seven years in on my Birthday he Proposed ring and all ( totally not expected since I was having a HORRIBLE birthday that year )
We have had a long engagement as we are going down the aisle 11-12-2010
But this works for us. We then had time to save, choose our friends to be in it, and know what we wanted, and truthfully its perfect !
It will come, it will happen when you least expect it !
Good Luck !


 

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Nine year anniversary trying not to get my hopes up
Posted: Apr 21, 2009 8:54 PM Go to message in response to: amberstar

I was 14 and he was 16- I am graduating in May and he is already done with school-
long story short, I proposed to him about two years ago, he said yes,


So, in all of those years, have you dated anyone else? Has he? I don't want to rain on your parade--maybe this is meant to be and will be wonderful. But, I worry about the lack of other experiences on either of your parts. I hope that you (and especially he) don't regret somehow having missed out on an important part of your growth toward adulthood
myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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bunnybear05 Posts : 157 Registered: 1/7/09
Re: Nine year anniversary trying not to get my hopes up
Posted: Apr 21, 2009 9:06 PM Go to message in response to: amberstar

Maybe he is trying to throw you off with the "not spending alot" this year on your anniversary gift? My fiancee and I were together for 6 years before he proposed. Mainly because we met when I was 20 and he was 21 and then I had family issues and moved in with him and his parents within a year of us dating and we set goals to finish school and buy a house before we did the whole wedding thing. He wasn't comfortable with getting engaged and going home to mommy and daddy. I agreed, I didn't liek it either. So we bought a house a couple years ago and he just recently finished school ( I'm still in school ) I think that my fiancee said something similar to me about x-mas gifts. "Lets not spend too much this year...the economy this...they raised the house taxes blah blah blah". Of course I didn't listen to him, but apparently he was just trying to throw me off.
You never know! Good luck ;)

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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Nine year anniversary trying not to get my hopes up
Posted: Apr 21, 2009 10:38 PM Go to message in response to: amberstar

The age thing certainly does change things. And when I was saying before about setting a date, that was not an ultimatum. Basically deciding on your own a deadline and not revealing that there is one is not one. And the end thing, it is about what you want in life.

That being said, you're just setting out and you're young (note: not "too young" just young) which explains why you've dated for so long.

Granted... my FH and I dated in high school.... and we were engaged some time in the second year. We planned on a long engagement (no.... not THIS long <G>) and to get married after college graduation. Course, we broke up and reunited 20 years later.

Misty

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TheNewMrsJ Posts : 754 Registered: 1/6/08
Re: Nine year anniversary trying not to get my hopes up
Posted: Apr 22, 2009 12:56 AM Go to message in response to: CatStandish

I know how you feel - I dated a guy for 3.5 years and we had talked about marriage quite a bit - were both on the same page, neither one of us saw the point in dating someone who you couldn't see yourself ending up with, but I was trying to finish school, he couldn't get his act together and grow up and I got sick of waiting. He talked about us getting engaged, but how can you buy a ring when you refuse to get a job and are quite content being 25, 26 and still living off your parents when you don't even live with them and they're struggling themselves??

If you guys are both on the same page (which it sounds like you are) I wouldn't worry too much about it - you said you're still finishing school, so focus on that right now - i know for my my last semester of school, especially the last month and half, was the most stressful time in my life - i was a mental wreck (taking 22 credit hours and 7 classes my last semester just to finish was a bit of a bad idea though and i dont recommend it! only in my case I had to since my college funding was running dry and there wasn't enough for 1 more semester without having to take out a loan).

If he hasn't in the next few months after you graduate, then I'd talk to him about it and find out where he's at when it comes to getting engaged. My DH and I started talking about getting engaged a few months after we finally got together (we had been friends for over 9 years by then and he had a crush on me since 8th grade), but he wanted to wait til after I graduated college so I wouldn't be distracted by wedding planning my last semester. I graduated after the 2nd week in December 07 and he proposed on January 6th 2008. He bought the ring a week or 2 after graduation. So I wouldn't worry about it too much until after you're done with school. Like you, I was 23 when I got engaged, DH was 24.


Friends since December 1997, together since December 2006
September 13, 2008 I legally became his and he became mine.

I tend to write long posts - short and simple doesn't exist with me!
That's how I am, take it or leave it.

MovieBits - your source for reviews, news and more!
www.moviebits.blogspot.com

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TheNewMrsJ Posts : 754 Registered: 1/6/08
Re: Nine year anniversary trying not to get my hopes up
Posted: Apr 22, 2009 12:59 AM Go to message in response to: amberstar

Another thing to keep in mind though, like Myra said, since you've
only dated him in high school and college, make sure you're positive
you want to marry him.

I was with my high school sweetheart for 3 years, into the first year
of college, and with college and all the changes there are from high
school to college we both changed too much and wanted different things

  • he wanted to hang with the guys and play video games 24/7, i wanted
to go out, drink and be social with people (funny how 6 years later, im
the one playing video games, he's the one going out to the bars,
lol...). We thought we'd be together forever and get married after
college, but we didn't even make it past college year 1 (we've had time
apart though and reconnected awhile back and are friends now).

Boyfriend #2 was everything I wanted at the time - fun, enjoyed going
out, liked the same music i did and liked going to shows, etc. We
thought we'd get married - he said i was the only gf he ever had who he
could tell actually truly was concerned and cared about him (he had a
lot of mental and emotional issues, so getting him to open up to me the
first 6-12 months was rough, but we got through it). When we started
having problems with Us though, he said things would change, promised
to change things that needed to be fixed in order for us to work, and
he never did. 3 years in, he wasn't the same fun guy with goals that I
had started dating - he was lazy, unmotivated and didn't want to go out
and do anything anymore (esp if it meant leaving his computer!); I got
sick of it and left - i basically told him to get off his ass and get a
job if you're serious or im leaving, and he didn't... (my roommate
dated his roommate and ive heard since i left him he eventually did get
a job about a month later and has since started actually going back to
school - attempt #4 or 5! - and is finally close to finishing; it
sounds like his parents finally cut him off financially too).

After realizing DH had been like my "Duckie" (think Pretty in Pink)
throughout the years, I decided to give him a chance and after only a
few weeks, I just knew it had to be him. He had been there through all
the ups and downs, all my relationship issues, my support and person to
turn to when I needed to just chat. There was no way I could not have
him in my life.

So to make my point, I'm sure in 9 years, you've had your ups and downs
and struggles in your relationship, but just make sure he's "the one"
and that you won't regret later having never dated anyone else and the
'what ifs...', since it doesn't sound like you've dated anyone else.

Friends since December 1997, together since December 2006
September 13, 2008 I legally became his and he became mine.

I tend to write long posts - short and simple doesn't exist with me!
That's how I am, take it or leave it.

MovieBits - your source for reviews, news and more!
www.moviebits.blogspot.com

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amberstar Posts : 38 Registered: 6/17/06
Re: Nine year anniversary trying not to get my hopes up
Posted: Apr 22, 2009 10:22 AM Go to message in response to: TheNewMrsJ

I have only been in one relationship- but neither of us feel like we have missed out on something by not exploring other options- We have had this discussion and feel like we have found the person we want to be with- why does it matter that it was the first time out? He told me last night that I was his best friend and he wouldn't have it any other way-
yes, we are still young- and I am willing to wait- this is just my place to get my excited/nervous/wondering energy out- my place to vent- I don't want to pressure him anymore than I already have- I want him to do it when he's ready- I just don't want to get my hopes up and then be disappointed with myself- thanks again for all the advice/help


ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE!!!!Smile

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: Nine year anniversary trying not to get my hopes up
Posted: Apr 22, 2009 12:13 PM Go to message in response to: amberstar

About the age thing...my sister got married at 23 and she has been happily married for 16 years! However she did date 2 other guys before finding 'the one'. She was mature for her age. I don't really think age matters so much. What matters is your maturity.
                              

 

Visit my wedding website http://www.mywedding.com/alanandjarlyn

Sign my guestbook!!! :)



 


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