MOH problems... HELP!!!

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Soon2bMrsBrakef... Posts : 14 Registered: 2/9/09
MOH problems... HELP!!!
Posted: Apr 6, 2009 11:19 AM

Okay... My MOH & I have been friends for over 20 years. When I got engaged I knew instantly she was the one I wanted by my side. However, I am now having second thoughts about my MOH choice.

The first indication of a problem was when we needed to order BM dresses. My MOH is pregnant right now but will be 3 months out from having the baby when my wedding rolls around. She wanted to wait until the end of August or first of September to order her dress. Understandable I guess, but not since the dresses are on the verge of being discontinued according to the bridal shop. Also, I realize that everyone works and has other priorities but when you commit to being in someone's wedding as the MOH shouldn't arrangements be made with your place of employment?! My MOH has recently informed me that she has to work the day of my wedding. The earliest she could get off that day would be 11:45am. My wedding is at 3:00!!! We are supposed to start pictures at 11:00am!!!

I am really trying hard not to be a bridezilla but my patience is wearing very very thin!! Could someone please offer a word of advice?!

Thank you!!!

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: MOH problems... HELP!!!
Posted: Apr 6, 2009 11:28 AM Go to message in response to: Soon2bMrsBrakef...

About the dress issue, I would be as flexible as possible. So what if the dress is going to be discontinued? Have the other BMs order their gowns now, so they will be all set. MOH can order hers later - and if the style is discontinued, who cares? It's perfectly fine to put the MOH in a different style gown than the rest of the BMs. In this situation, I would be more concerned about accomodating her than I would be about the dress. Sure, she could guess her post-partum size and order now, but she'll probably guess wrong and then she'll have to deal with complex alterations when she's caring for a very small baby. I would cut her some slack on the dress issue.

On the work problem, I see that your wedding is in October - that's plenty of time to request the day off or to switch her schedule so that she has the day off. I don't think that's too much to ask.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: MOH problems... HELP!!!
Posted: Apr 6, 2009 3:43 PM Go to message in response to: Soon2bMrsBrakef...

Dear MRs B,

" My MOH has recently informed me that she has to work the day of my wedding. The earliest she could get off that day would be 11:45am. My wedding is at 3:00!!! We are supposed to start pictures at 11:00am!!! "

If she gets off work at 11:45, she'll need some period of time to get home, get dressed, hair fixed, etc. No way will she be able to make it in time for the photos.

In other words, unless she makes other work arrangements, she will not be able to be a bridesmaid, much less maid of honor.

I do have sympathy for her, though. Everyone these days are doing their best to hang on to whatever job they have. You cannot ask her to risk her job for your wedding.

Best to accept the fact that she cannot be MOH.

"I'm sorry to hear about your work situation. Is there any way you can rearrange your schedule, without risking problems with your boss? If so, great. If not, then I'm afraid I will have to ask someone else to be a maid of honor. I really need everyone there, ready for photos, at 11:00."

Then, just accept whatever answer she gives you.

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His4life Posts : 117 Registered: 4/7/09
Re: MOH problems... HELP!!!
Posted: Apr 9, 2009 10:14 AM Go to message in response to: Soon2bMrsBrakef...

What kind of job does your MOH have? Your wedding is still really far away (I'm also an October bride! :) so I don't understand how she can't possibily find a way to take that day off, or maybe switch a swift... I think we need to know what she does in order to help.

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Soon2bMrsBrakef... Posts : 14 Registered: 2/9/09
Re: MOH problems... HELP!!!
Posted: Apr 9, 2009 10:49 AM Go to message in response to: His4life

Thanks for your advice everyone. I don't completely agree with what some people have had to say but I appreciate the input. :)

His4life... she works at a bank. She plans on waiting until she comes back from maternity leave to ask for the day off. It's like she wants eveything to be on her time which is upseting to me considering it's my wedding. My fiance thinks that if she is going to commit to being my MOH she needs to commit 100% & not 50%. He's kind of upset at the situation too.

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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: MOH problems... HELP!!!
Posted: Apr 9, 2009 11:38 AM Go to message in response to: Soon2bMrsBrakef...

What's with all the crybabies here lately. She has commited to you as much as she can. Sorry but your wedding is important to you not her. She is having a baby how important is that to you? She is going on maternity leave so she will be using whatever time off she has for that. She may not have time available to take off for your wedding. She is doing the best she can under the circumstances. If that is not good enough for you princess maybe you should ask her to step down.

 

 

 

Kenny and me perfect together, 10 years and counting

Sucks to be you, So glad I am me

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Soon2bMrsBrakef... Posts : 14 Registered: 2/9/09
Re: MOH problems... HELP!!!
Posted: Apr 9, 2009 12:18 PM Go to message in response to: kennysoldwife

I'm sorry but I don't consider myself a princess. However it is MY wedding. As I said in my first post... I am trying really hard not be a Bridezilla. I am really trying (believe it or not) to be considerate of her feelings after all we have been friends for 25 years!! If she doesn't care about it such as you said, then maybe she shouldn't have accepted the position. I hardly think that if the roles were reversed & my actions were the same as hers, it would be taken as lightly. I think I have been more than accomodating to her! I haven't even said a word to her about it... that's why I posted here, to get advice... not judged!

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Soon2bMrsBrakef... Posts : 14 Registered: 2/9/09
Re: MOH problems... HELP!!!
Posted: Apr 9, 2009 12:27 PM Go to message in response to: kennysoldwife

Oh yeah and BTW her baby is important to me considering in the middle of all my wedding planning I am planning a baby shower for her as well! Thanks! :)

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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: MOH problems... HELP!!!
Posted: Apr 9, 2009 12:42 PM Go to message in response to: Soon2bMrsBrakef...

Oh you were so not judged, I gave you advice it is not what you want to hear so sorry. As I said your wedding is important to you and that is understandable it is your wedding. Her baby is the priority for her and again understandable. Since she will just be returning from maternity leave shortly before your wedding she may not have the time to take off for your wedding again understandable. If the situations were reversed it would be no different. That which is important to us is important only to us.

If she is unable to do what you need her to do as a member of your wedding party ask her to step down or else be flexible in your scheduling. It's up to you as the bride to accommadate your party. It is not the other way around. Demanding that she do things you way and not in the way that works best for her is being bridzillaish and not pretty at all. You still have time maybe things will work out in your favor. No need in having a fit about it six months in advance.

BTW kudos to you for hosting a baby shower.

 

 

 

Kenny and me perfect together, 10 years and counting

Sucks to be you, So glad I am me

Proud Member of P.O.O.P,  People Offended by Offended People

wedding websites

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His4life Posts : 117 Registered: 4/7/09
Re: MOH problems... HELP!!!
Posted: Apr 9, 2009 12:51 PM Go to message in response to: Soon2bMrsBrakef...

I can see why she would be hesitant to ask for a day off after taking maternity leave, but you should tell her that she will have a much better chance asking for it off now rather then right before the wedding. Most employers like as much notice as possible for requested time off. At this point, I think you should just talk with her and ask her if she really wants to do it, as she has a lot going on. It sounds like it means a lot to you to have her there since you have been friends for so long, but if she isn't willing to committ you might be wasting your time with her. Nonetheless I think that the least your friend can do is make sure that she has the day off if she still wants to be your MOH. If she truly wants to be in your wedding party she will tell her boss asap about the date.

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: MOH problems... HELP!!!
Posted: Apr 9, 2009 12:57 PM Go to message in response to: Soon2bMrsBrakef...

Well, she is waiting untl after her maternity leave to request your wedding off. And, so what? JOB SECURITY to her is frankly, likely more important than your wedding. She will have a brand new baby and probably does not want to upset her employers anymore. Some employers already don't like having to give maternity leave. Maybe hers doesn't.

IF she isn't accomodating enough to you, on your day, then do what others (aotb and others) have suggested and ask her to step down so you can ahve a MOH who will do whatever you say when you say it. Also, when you post like this you will get people's honest opinions. If you don't like them, ignore them and if you don't like the advice, don't follow it.

Kennys advice was good, and it was pretty UN judgmental initially. Are you going to throw the baby shower in her face like you did here? Just my opinion, but, she really does have the right to place her life/future/baby above yours. You obviously are doing the same and appear to expect her to place your wants above her or her baby's. Maybe you don't, but that's how your posts read to me.

 Proud Member of P.O.O.P.,  People Offended by Offended People

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Soon2bMrsBrakef... Posts : 14 Registered: 2/9/09
Re: MOH problems... HELP!!!
Posted: Apr 9, 2009 12:58 PM Go to message in response to: His4life

It does mean alot to me to have her there... That is why I haven't said anything to her yet. Yes, she probably will be using up all of her alloted time (vacation, sick, personal time & whatnot) and I completely understand that. But I am like you and think that the sooner her employer knows... the better. I love her to death and I am completely stressing about even saying anything to her because I don't want to hurt her feelings! :(

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ginmal Posts : 396 Registered: 1/11/08
Re: MOH problems... HELP!!!
Posted: Apr 9, 2009 1:02 PM Go to message in response to: kennysoldwife

What a joke...OP you sound like a whiny spolied 5 year old brat.
Your MOH is pregnant, therefore she has no CLUE how big / small she will be in 6 more months...she needs to wait to get a dress until MUCH cloer to your wedding. My sister got engaged and set her date and 2 months later found out she was pregnant...she had to return the original dress and get a new one 1 month before the wedding as she didn't know how much she would have grown in 5 months.
As far as the time off...most mothers save up as MUCH time as possible to spend with thier new baby before having to return to work. Just because your MOH will miss the pics (and most likley only the "getting ready" pics) is no reason to go all bonkers. She can be there to stand up at your wedding and take pics at the time of the wedding...which is really all you can ask of your bridal party. furthermore, as much as you don't want to believe anything could be more important than YOUR wedding...your MOH having more time to bond with her baby after birth is FAR MORE IMPORTANT than being their for a few hours of needless pictures with you.
Yippie you are managing to throw your MOH a baby shower in the mist of all your wedding planning...serioulsy I can't imagine how you found the time to focus on another living breating thing in the MONTHS befor eyour wedding. You deserve a cookie.
Get over yourself, or kick her out of the wedding for no reason...your call. But, if it were me, in which case it wouldn't be an issue, as I am not a diva, I would not loose a friend over a dress and a few pictures.

Bless your own day, leave mine alone!Innocent

 

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Lilmisssouthern... Posts : 658 Registered: 8/12/08
Re: MOH problems... HELP!!!
Posted: Apr 9, 2009 1:07 PM Go to message in response to: kennysoldwife

I understand why that is frustrating to you. I also understand the dress situation. Are you set on having the girls all in the same dress? I am letting my girls pick dresses that look bes on them. I don't want anyone to feel uncomfortable. I agree that as the bride you do have to be considerate about everyone elses schedule. However, it is April and your wedding is the same day as mine. Our entire Bridal party knows what we expect from them and in return they told us what they expected as well. The only compromise that I don't think should be made is the time she arrives for the wedding. If she can't get off of work then maybe you do need to consider having someone else be the MOH. I understand that she is afraid to lose her job and everything. Most people are especially now. But she knew when your wedding was and what time and everthing. She should have taken that into consideration. I am sure she can ask for that day off or switch it some how. If she refuses to do so then there is nothing you can do.

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DoesntPlayNice Posts : 809 Registered: 12/17/08
Re: MOH problems... HELP!!!
Posted: Apr 9, 2009 1:24 PM Go to message in response to: Lilmisssouthern...

I don't understand what the big deal is about her getting off of work during when you pictures start. My MOH called me and told me that her brother is graduation in a town 3 hours away the day of the wedding and she won't be able to make it to the wedding until about half an hour before it starts. You know what i said? Enjoy your brothers graduation....see you when you get here!

What does it really matter?? What is it that you need her to do before the wedding?

Previously Posted as Military Bride.

Back from Iraq and ready to switch out the ACU's for a Wedding Dress!

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