How to compromise

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BrighterThanSun... Posts : 853 Registered: 10/17/08
Re: How to compromise
Posted: Apr 6, 2009 12:06 PM Go to message in response to: younglove922

Well, honestly, it isn't just your ceremony. It's his too. And he is Jewish.

A compromise would be to have a civil wedding and to have Jewish components added to it. You have been offered multiple suggestions on how to compromise, which is what your post is asking. The title is litereally "how to compromise" however now it seems like you are saying "how do I cut my FHs religion out of the ceremony?"

Does he want to have any aspects of Judaism in the ceremony? Is it important to him? If it is, then I think you have to compromise.

If he doesn't care at all about his religion, he doesn't have those beliefs or practice anything and like you doesn't want any religion whatsoever involved in the ceremony, then you can cut it out.

However, being completely intolerant of your FHs religion for something as important as a marraige is rude.

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karebeartg Posts : 831 Registered: 6/25/08
Re: How to compromise
Posted: Apr 6, 2009 12:47 PM Go to message in response to: younglove922

Honestly, it doesn't sound like you're interested in compromising. It sounds like you are interested in you FILs compromising. Typically, a compromise occurs when both people give up something to reach a resolution that nobody is totally happy with but everyone is ok with.

You: want no religion
His parents (and maybe him): want a Jewish ceremony (maybe, but nobody has actually asked them).

A compromise would be to have some Jewish elements incorportated into the ceremony. You don't have to have a full ceremony. They don't have to have no recognition of their religion/heritage.

Personally, it seems like you just want someone to say "oh, how horrible that you have to consider accomodating your future family's religious beliefs. how awful." Sorry. No can do.

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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: How to compromise
Posted: Apr 6, 2009 12:48 PM Go to message in response to: BrighterThanSun...

Not only is it rude it is asking for trouble. If you do not want aspects of a persons religion in your wedding then you should not marry a person who's religious beliefs differ from your own.

I can see why FH has doubts about his parents attending your wedding. If when the time comes that my children get married and aspects of our religion and/or culture are not included because the bride and/or groom just don't want it there I would have serious doubts about attending also.

I personally could not support a marriage that I know is heading for trouble simply because the parties involved don't respect the other. As I see it not being willing to incorporate something that is important to the other is disrespecting that person. A marriage can not last if the partners can not or will not respect each other.

 

 

 

Kenny and me perfect together, 10 years and counting

Sucks to be you, So glad I am me

Proud Member of P.O.O.P,  People Offended by Offended People

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: How to compromise
Posted: Apr 6, 2009 12:59 PM Go to message in response to: kennysoldwife

And I'd just like to point out that as you feel you are beinding over backwards to serve Kosher food - this is MORE then religion, it's a way of life.

You don't sound prepared to have even a distant role in that aspect.

 

 

 

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: How to compromise
Posted: Apr 6, 2009 1:18 PM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

Kenny's is totally right--and this is for any bride with religious issues. If you are not willing to compromise on religion, then make sure that you marry someone who has the same faith (or lack of it) as yourself. I know many religious people who will not even have a casual date with someone of another faith, just because they do not want to put themselves into situations where they have to make these religious choices.

As to the OP, I still have not heard that you and your FH have had an actual discussion with his parents bout the wedding, what they will accept and won't, and whether they will attend. And I do not understand why the wedding has to be Kosher. As said above, most Jews noadays do not observe the strict rules of Kosher eating. Some still expect "Kosher style" at traditional events, but that's fairly easy for any caterer to accomplish. As for serving barbecue to Jews--go right ahead. Serve beef ribs, chicken, chicken sausage,kosher hot dogs, burgers, the whole deal. Just don't serve pork or seafood. And leave the cheese for the burgers on the side.

Why not come back and let us know after you and/or FH have that discussion with his parents.

myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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MrsM2009 Posts : 422 Registered: 3/16/08
Re: How to compromise
Posted: Apr 6, 2009 2:40 PM Go to message in response to: younglove922

younglove922 wrote:Personally I would like religion to be left out of the wedding 100% My parents are Christian. And I really could care less. I don't practice any religion and am very anti"god". It is extremely difficult for me to consider having any kind of religious ceremony.

Ok, let's think about what the word "compromise" means. You would like a 100% civil ceremony with no mention of God or religion whatsoever. Your FILs, and possibly your FH, would like a Jewish ceremony. If you were really looking for compromise, you would take the great advice that everyone here has given you and try to incorporate some elements of a Jewish ceremony into your civil ceremony to make everyone happy. There are PLENTY of elements of a Jewish ceremony that you can incorporate without infusing the whole thing with a lot of talk about God, which I take it would make you uncomfortable. Many of these have very little to do with religion, and more to do with wonderful things about marriage that you likely agree with, regardless of your religious leanings. For example:

The chuppah, or wedding canopy, symbolizes the home that the couple will build together. The fabric over the top of the chuppah represents your home and the hope that you'll always have a roof over your heads, while the open walls on all four sides symbolize the hope that your home will always be open and you'll always be hospitable to your family, friends, and those in need.

The Ketubah, or wedding contract, is a document that essentially memorializes the couple's vows. I presume that you'll be saying vows whether or not you'll have a religious ceremony, so having those vows written on paper is a nice Jewish touch. You can get the Ketubah custom made, and there are many companies that make more "secular" Ketubahs that are written in English and have little to no religious text.

In a Jewish wedding both the bride and the groom are escorted down the aisle by both of their parents. I'm not 100% sure the actual background of this, but to me this has always been a nice modern step away from just the bride's father escorting her. All four parents are, in a sense, "giving away" their children at a wedding - why not have all four included?

The Hakafot is a tradition whereby the bride circles the groom several times during the ceremony (some synogogues say 3, other say 7). The act is meant to symbolize that the groom is central to the bride's thoughts.

My favorite Jewish tradition (and one that my wedding planner loves so much that she uses it for ALL of her weddings, not just the Jewish ones) is the Yihud. In a day filled with chaos, the yihud -- or "seclusion" -- is a standout ritual that lets you focus on the days true purpose: your new partnership. Immediately after the ceremony, bride and groom retreat to a private room for 15 minutes of personal time. No in-laws, no seating arrangement charts, no videographer. Just you and your new spouse staring into each other's eyes.



IMO, you could incorporate ANY of these traditions without making the ceremony about God in any way, if that makes you uncomfortable. You seem to want people to tell you that it's ok to totally shut FH's religion out of the ceremony. This isn't compromise, it's just plain selfish and immature.

I'm also totally in agreement with Kennys and Myra on marrying someone whose religious views you don't agree with. If this is something you're totally unwilling to accomodate in your wedding ceremony, what's going to happen when you have kids? When you marry someone of a different religion, talking about how you're going to raise your children is a must-have discussion before you even think about walking down the aisle. Since no one seems to be communicating very well on this issue, I'm willing to bet that you two haven't seriously entertained this discussion yet.
P.O.O.P. - People Offended by Offended People

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PrincessDee Posts : 58 Registered: 1/6/09
Re: How to compromise
Posted: Apr 6, 2009 6:07 PM Go to message in response to: younglove922

Though I think in some ways your wording is a little harsh, I think I get some idea of where you're coming from. It sounds like you're frustrated by having religious beliefs that you don't share forced on you? If so, this is an important issue for you and your FH to get into the open and discuss now. The wedding is unlikely to be the only time this will come up. If you feel uncomfortable with religious elements, I think you should explain that to your fiance. That's a bit of a different issue than just what type of ceremony you want, and potentially very important. I know I would not want to participate in something religious that I didn't believe in. It would not feel honest and would make me uncomfortable. I agree with another poster that some of this might be about him and not just about his parents, too. If it really is just about them, I think you two should talk to them about it.

I do agree with other posters that what he believes in and feels comfortable with is just as important as what you believe and feel comfortable with. I also think incorporating traditions that aren't really religious is a good way to go. There is nothing wrong with having a definite perspective on religious issues, as long as you are accepting of others with differing views. However, if you are set on your perspective and don't feel comfortable with the beliefs and traditions of another perspective or faith, it might be hard to build a life with someone whose views are so different from yours. It's definitely something the two of you should discuss.

Edited by: PrincessDee on Apr 6, 2009 6:11 PM

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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: How to compromise
Posted: Apr 6, 2009 7:02 PM Go to message in response to: PrincessDee

Where is the OP, I am curious to hear what she has to say now that all of you meanies have spoken.

 

 

 

Kenny and me perfect together, 10 years and counting

Sucks to be you, So glad I am me

Proud Member of P.O.O.P,  People Offended by Offended People

wedding websites

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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: How to compromise
Posted: Apr 7, 2009 8:14 AM Go to message in response to: younglove922

While I respect that you're anti-God, and I can guess some of it came from your Christian upbringing, you also have an FH. What does HE want for his wedding? There are two of you involved here, and your marriage ceremony should be a reflection of you as a couple. You don't have to have prayers and readings from the Bible to have a ceremony that respects his heritage. There are elements of every religion that are beautiful and meaningful. And the Jewish wedding celebration has a lot of lovely things with meaning that do not scream "GOD GOD GOD GOD GOD GOD GOD"

I do understand the feeling of being wounded by religion. And especially coming from a Christian perspective (Christian brides, please do not take offense to this -- I'm not dissing Christianity as a whole, but rather the behaviour of a LOT of Chrisitans -- and there is a difference). Many Christians today seem to give off a dual vibe of both martyred and entitled. American Christians truly do not know what it means to be martyred for their religion as they do have a huge sense of entitlement, and in many ways, politically, they are the ones doing the persecuting. Not going to go into this in a lot of depth, but I do understand why the OP says that she couldn't care less about her parents' Christianity and she is anti-God.

But OP... what does your FH think about God? Is HE anti-GOD? He's not asking you to convert, but one of the truly unique things about Judaism is that a LOT of the laws are about respect for the community and one another. It's not just about worship of God. It's about the community that one lives in.

A lot of non-Jews incorporate elements from the Jewish wedding, because of their symbolism and beauty. Maybe you don't want to be married at a synagogue... but you can still do the elements.

Compromise IS a two way street. You give some, he gives some. It's not a my way or the highway one way boulevard where you get your way and he is left with nothing.

Misty

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BrighterThanSun... Posts : 853 Registered: 10/17/08
Re: How to compromise
Posted: Apr 7, 2009 9:59 AM Go to message in response to: younglove922

Also, I just wanted to add that a wedding...it's beginning of a marraige. So sure, at first you want to deny his religion at your wedding which is bad enough, but what about later during your lives together? Are you going to deny his Jewish holidays? Are you going to not let your future children be exposed to Judaism?

FH & I also have opposing religious views however we are going to compromise. The wedding will have components of his religion in the ceremony (which will be civil as I am agnostic). And later in life when we have children we will take them to his church (he's not a regular church goer but I think he wants to be at first when the children are younger) so that they are exposed to his religion, I will be open about my skepticism and we will be allowed to talk about my reasonings and my beliefs when ever they want to so that then they can choose whether to go with FHs beliefs or mine...or hey...maybe they will be interested in some other religion that they become exposed to and become buddhist, i don't know!

But if you won't even allow some Judaism into your WEDDING ceremony, will you really be willing to go to temple with your husband and kids on Friday nights? Will you celebrate Jewish holidays with them? Will they go to Hebrew school?

If you are so adamant about being anti-God and he is not, you guys may face some hard times. Hope you are at least willing to compromise then.

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heddahjo Posts : 3 Registered: 4/7/09
Re: How to compromise
Posted: Apr 7, 2009 2:07 PM Go to message in response to: younglove922

Have you talked to him about what he things makes a Jewish wedding? From my experience everyone has a different interpretation (outside of the ring, ketubah, vows) of what makes a wedding Jewish for them. By talking this through you may be able to have what he considers a Jewish wedding without a great deal of compromise.

Just in case you want some more info on how to handle this stuff, you can check out www.interfaithfamily.com/weddings. They have great resources for interfaith weddings and how to handle these types of situations.

Good luck!

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