FH's Parents Don't Want Us To Get Married

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: FH's Parents Don't Want Us To Get Married
Posted: Apr 3, 2009 9:51 PM Go to message in response to: Alexandira16

Sooo, let me understand this. He's afraid of his parent's opinions, he's getting his schooling paid for, and you're already having sex. So, why do you just haaaave to get married right away? Since you're already having sex, that's not going to change (though it might be more convenient to be living together). If you go ahead with your plan to get married early, you will have gained two things--parental anger and long-term poverty. Sounds like a great deal! What, exactly, is the problem with waiting?
myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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Nalamienea Posts : 2,924 Registered: 6/13/08
Re: FH's Parents Don't Want Us To Get Married
Posted: Apr 3, 2009 11:02 PM Go to message in response to: Alexandira16

Alright, let me tell you something that few people on these boards know about me. I'm still legally single, and let me tell you why.

FH and I were so super excited about getting married that we really didn't stop to think about the huge financial burden it would cause and how we wouldn't be able to afford for me to go to college if we signed papers and his salary was added in to my non-existant salary when it comes to financial aid. Right now we barely make enough to pay the bills, but it wouldn't look like that to them because for various reasons we're working at paying off a mountain of consumer debt ( and climbing very slowly out of that hole) and they don't take things like that in to consideration when they determine how much money you "need" to go to school. So, with only a couple of months left to go until our big day, we decided that we were going to be rational human beings and we put off signing legal paperwork. It was the hardest decision that we've ever had to make. We had our religous ceremony with our family, and we'll sign papers officially as soon as we can. It's been so super hard to deal with and I would NOT recommend it!

But Let me give you the numbers that helped us to make this decision in the end:

I've been going to communtiy college in Virginia, which costs $80/credit, or about $240 per class. I've been full time taking 15 credits per semester, plus summer semesters, and between federal and state income-based aid, plus scholarships ( I have a 4.0 gpa) I've had my first summer and my entire second year paid for, books included.
Total: about $3420

For the next school year (2009-2010) I have to transfer to a 4-year college which is going to cost a BUNCH more, because the state school is too far away to commute. The sticker price was $27,500 a year for my choice school. I got $5000 for being part of Phi Theta Kappa (the two year school's honours society), $5500 in federal need-based aid, $3000 in state need-based aid, a $5000 scholarship from the school based on my grades, plus other odds and ends of need-based aid, which all amounted to almost $20,000. And this will apply to BOTH years! I'll have to take out loans for less than $8000/year. All because we didn't get married.

Total savings in three years: $43,420.00


Just by waiting a few years to get married. Think about what that kind of money means for a second. That's probably twice what either of you will make your entire first year out of college, and that's NOT even including the 6% interest that you're sighning up to pay on that amount of money. Think of what the extra $300 or $400 a month will mean for you guys when you first graduate and need to start paying back loans.

The moral of this story is do the smart thing. Don't put your relationship in jeopardy by pressuring yourselves with an extra load of debt that could have been easily avoided. (money is the leading reason for arguments in marriages, right?) Don't get full-time jobs (OR part time jobs!!) if you don't have to, instead concentrate on getting good grades that are going to qualify you for more scholarships and free money. It's not only the right thing to do becuase it's what his parents are telling you, but it's also the right thing for you guys. It has nothing to do with how well you will or will not perform while married, it's about being mature and seeing what is best for your future TOGETHER.

 

IMG_7463.jpg picture by sarahandchris2008

10/26/08 

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FutureMrsPrice Posts : 12 Registered: 3/30/09
Re: FH's Parents Don't Want Us To Get Married
Posted: Apr 4, 2009 8:21 AM Go to message in response to: Alexandira16

I'm new to the boards so I'll take a moment to give a quick hello before I go on :)


I'm in a situation similar to you. My FH and I are high school sweethearts and always knew we were going to get married. He proposed in November of '07 and my parents didn't take the news very well. (In my case, my parents are the problem, not FH's). I'm still in school and so my parents thought it was a very poor decision on our part if we chose to get married right away. As long as I'm still single my Dad is paying for my education and I receive health care benefits from his job. So FH and I decided to wait... a long time. Our wedding won't be held until June 2012 which will result in an almost 5 year engagement. It's ridiculous, I know. But at least I know that when it happens, we'll be financially secure and mature enough to handle all that marriage has to offer.

Best of luck to you both

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: FH's Parents Don't Want Us To Get Married
Posted: Apr 4, 2009 10:45 AM Go to message in response to: Alexandira16

I don't have kids yet, but if I had a child who wanted to get married before finishing school, I'd stop paying for their schooling, too. If my kid is old enough to get married, he/she is old enough to support him/herself, which includes paying for whatever education he/she might want. And I wouldn't care if my parents left money to pay for my kid's schooling - presumably, that money is set up in some sort of a trust, with your FH's parents as trustees. Therefore, they have every right to make choices as to how it is spent. If they don't think FH's grandfather would approve of paying for college for a married man, they're doing the right thing. I am trustee for my parents' estate, if anything were to happen to them. If my parents died, they want to pay for my younger siblings' college educations...but they have stipulations that on statement, and as trustee, it's left to my discretion to withhold funds if my younger siblings don't comply with my parents wishes. And if it comes to that, I'm following my parents' instructions, even though I disagree with their stipulations - but I think my parents have a right to decide how their money is spent, even if they're not around anymore.

But back to you: I don't see why you're in such a rush. Others have mentioned that your early to mid 20s are a HUGE transitional period, so I'm not going to repeat them. Your FH's parents have mentioned the crappy-ass economy, and you'd be smart to heed their advice on that. The fact that you take the economy so lightly is evidence of your naivete. Neither of you has a job (and I'm talking about real, full-time 'grown-up' jobs, not part-time jobs you do while you're in college), yet you think that marrying and supporting yourselves is a good idea? That's just going to put more stress on you - and I wouldn't wish the stress of looking for TWO jobs in this economy on any marriage. I would wait until you've graduated and both found jobs - granted, you could still lose them, but at least you wouldn't be starting a marriage with nothing. There are so many women on this forum would could tell you how hard it is if ONE partner is unemployed - don't be stupid and put yourself in a situation where NEITHER partner is employed...especially when the situation can easily be avoided by waiting a while to get married.

I wouldn't even think about the sex issue. For one, it's NOT an issue - NO ONE has brought it up. You're simply assuming that his parents think this way. YOU are the one who is making this an issue. His parents haven't said a word.

Anyway, it's probably pretty clear from everything I've written, but I think your FH's parents are 100% correct. Why the rush to get married now, when every circumstance in your life (except your feelings, which should be kept out of practical decisions) says that you are NOT ready to be married and support yourselves?


DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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Rose217 Posts : 474 Registered: 8/9/08
Re: FH's Parents Don't Want Us To Get Married
Posted: Apr 4, 2009 2:58 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

Hi Alexandira,

Tough love on the forums, huh? I know that the majority's response wasn't the advice you were hoping to hear, but I have to admit, I think it's good. You and FH are the only ones who truly understand your circumstances and ultimately the decision of when to get married is up to you, but I hope you think long and hard about everything that has been said about the topic both here and in real life. Good luck, and let us know what decision you make.

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aelrod Posts : 92 Registered: 12/5/07
Re: FH's Parents Don't Want Us To Get Married
Posted: Apr 4, 2009 9:56 PM Go to message in response to: Alexandira16

Hi Alexandira,
I can understand your situation, I am in the very same place in my life. Although the advice given may not be what you wanted to hear, the ladies are only providing their honest opinions, and good ones at that. I am just dying to get out of my parents house and get married, FH and I are waiting 4 years from the time that he proposed. I wish that it could happen sooner, but it is just not the best financial decision at this point. I am a sophomore in college, will have my AA in May and begin at the University in August. I have a very good job, FH has graduated from college, is a contractor and owns a small business. Could we afford to get a place and pay all of our bills? Sure, no problem--but that does not even mean that it is a good idea right now. I am looking forward to an unpaid semester of senior internship, a whirlwind summer of job applications after college and quite frankly in this economy possibly no job in my field in two years. Therefore, it is not the right decision for ME to get married right now. I have dreams and goals and aspirations that I have to accomplish before tying the knot--FH is incredibly supportive of that. In fact, he would like to wait until I complete my Masters Degree to get married but I don't think that is necessary :) My point is that even though you are so in love, which I understand, and desperately trying to gain the independence of being an adult in a parent's home, which I also very much understand, it may not be the most practical and logical decision for you at this point. With that said, you are a different person in a different situation, so your decisions are obviously your decisions. I just thought that it might help to hear from someone experiencing the very same frustrations and dreams. :) Good luck!


Our wedding is FOREVER AND A DAY away!

 

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BrighterThanSun... Posts : 853 Registered: 10/17/08
Re: FH's Parents Don't Want Us To Get Married
Posted: Apr 6, 2009 10:40 AM Go to message in response to: aelrod

Nala* I had noooo idea. I'm sorry that you guys have to go through that. At least you still had one of the most beautiful ceremonies I have ever seen and you two still act as though married.

Alexandra* I went through a situation similar to yours, but not quite. In our circumstance, FH and I figured out it wasn't wise to get married so soon ourselves, rather than our parents. We weren't engaged but he was going out and browsing rings and such and the wedding was pretty much all we ever talked about, we were so excited! I am 20 by the way, I should be in my second year of University but I'm in my first because I took a year off and did some classes and worked and travelled and such before my freshman year. FH did the same. So I don't know how old you are but I am guessing close to the same...early University? Anyways. We started thinking about things like money, experiences we want to have, support from family, etc. People here might say it doesn't care what his parents think, well, it does. It should! I don't want to get married if some of the most important people in my life are not supporting it! We imagined what our parents would think. Mmm, his parents didn't look so good (mine look fine but we're kind of hippy dippy and chill about everything in my family, his family is not.) We then started to think of WHY we didn't think they would support it. Things like we are too young, money, etc came to mind. We then started thinking about money. If we are married, I don't want Daddy paying for tuitition. When you get married you should be financially independent. It would be weird and uncomfortable to have done something so grown up (get married) but still be taking handouts from parents! We started thinking about incomes, wedding costs, etc. It would just have been a really hard struggle. I don't think we can support ourselves right now without the help of our parents--both sets of parents are paying for school and we are REALLY lucky. Then it got to life experiences. There is so much I want to do while I am still young. I want to teach ESL to children in Thailand, I want to build homes in Honduras, I want to conserve animal wildlife in Australia. I am really lucky to have a FH who wants to do all of this with me. But honestly, do I have time to do that, be in school AND plan a wedding and then work on all of the challenges that marraige will bring? I'm not quite sure what those challenges will be yet but when they come...I want to be fully committed to just my husband and whatever we face, I don't want to be battling essays, exams and living all of those wild experiences that I want to have. School brings enough stress! Being this young is just stressful in itself! Teenagehood and early-20s are just stressful years, even when things seem to go accordingly. I wouldn't reccommend on filling it with MORE stress! So after analysing everything, FH and I realized that it doesn't matter if we wait 2 more years to get engaged, and then 1-2 more years to get married. We would still be young, we would be 23-24. Our plan to have children while we are in our late 20s would still work. We still get to have an amazing next two years, as boyfriend and girlfriend. They aren't going to me any less amazing. And I know how it feels, that after a while calling him your boyfriend doesn't seem to suffice, he feels SO much more than that. But honestly, I think I can handle that for another year or two. Hopefully you can two. I am normally a huge advocate for being young and getting married. Wouldn't it be amazing to celebrate your 60th...hell, maybe even 70th wedding anniversary? My grandparents made it to 65 and their 60th anniversary was insane! It was like a wedding reception...and the Queen sent them a card. But maybe in this time, with this economy, it wouldn't be as wise.

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PrincessDee Posts : 58 Registered: 1/6/09
Re: FH's Parents Don't Want Us To Get Married
Posted: Apr 6, 2009 6:44 PM Go to message in response to: Alexandira16

It sounds like it's not so much that they don't want you to get married, as that they don't want you to get married as soon. It may be a good time to compromise. Maybe you could sit down with them and discuss the timing and come up with something you are all comfortable with. As far as them withholding the money, if they are doing it because they are the trustees (or whatever it's called) and it's what his grandfather would also have done, they are within their rights. Otherwise I don't really agree with it, but if it's something they are legally able to do, there's not much you can do about it. You two can probably get through school without it, with financial aid, but some of that would be loans, most likely, and that can be quite stressful.

It comes down to deciding what is right for both of you, together, and as individuals. It might be better for your FH to wait a little longer and have more approval from his family. I think in some ways it's a tough call. On the one hand, I do agree that getting married young can be a big mistake for a lot of people who do it. On the other hand, that's not true of everyone, and sometimes you have to make even your own mistakes to learn. If you guys are sure, and are comfortable with the consequences, then you can get married. But you have to decide together what is best and how much you're willing to compromise.

My FH's and my engagement came as something of a surprise to his family. My family was very happy. I'm a little older, but we've both graduated with our bachelor's. I'm in grad school and he's starting grad school next month. We're having a longer engagement than we probably really need for ourselves to be comfortable, over a year, in part because we want them to be more comfortable, too.

Whatever you decide, I hope it works out well for you both.

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Autumnalis2010 Posts : 133 Registered: 1/12/09
Re: FH's Parents Don't Want Us To Get Married
Posted: Apr 6, 2009 9:34 PM Go to message in response to: Alexandira16

From someone else who is pretty young (21), I also agree that you have gotten great advice so far on waiting until you are out of school. I think there are a lot of benefits, especially dealing with money, that others have given you. I personally see no point in getting married during college, especially if your parents (or some other family member) are paying for your schooling. On top of that, I can't imagine having to support yourselves, make your marriage work, and finish school all at the same time. I graduated with my BA last year and will graduate with my MA this summer, and my FH will graduate with his BS this summer. The last few years have been crazy busy for both of us and there's no way we would have even had time to plan a wedding and then give our marriage the attention it needs. I also saw that you and your FH have been together for less than 2 years, which in my opinion is another reason to wait. Not saying that the length of your relationship necessarily means anything, I am just trying to understand why it's so important to marry someone when you are in college, still dependent on your parents, and haven't been together for a super long time. Maybe if you were HS sweethearts and have been together for 5+ years I could see the hurry, but in your situation I just don't see the hurry. I know that's not what you want to hear, but I really do think there is something to be said for waiting. When my FH and I get married, we will be 23 and 24, completely finished with school for over a year, together for 4 1/2 years, and that isn't fast to me but it doesn't seem like forever either. I know it sucks having his family not approve (BELIEVE me, I know this!), but in this case I think it would be wise to heed their advice.

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