Bachelorrette nightmare, Please Help!

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cleopatre Posts : 3 Registered: 4/5/09
Bachelorrette nightmare, Please Help!
Posted: Apr 5, 2009 10:55 PM

Hello, Bonjour!

I am in desperate need of advice. I am the maid of honour of my high school best friend. We've known each other for over 15 years. We don't socialize very often but we still consider one another very good friends.

Along with her other bridesmaid, I secretly organized her bachelorette party. I spent 2 weeks looking for the perfect decorations, invitations and the perfect date.

After consulting with her other friends, we established a date and I planned everything accordingly. I was VERY excited about it all and spent all my free time putting together cocktails, finding games and shopping for gifts and food... In other words, I think I did my homework...

Well, the day of the party, we surprised the bride to be after her shift at work...What a disaster... It seemed that we interfered with her plans for the night.. ( she was studying for an exam that I was not aware of but others guests were...)

So after we said:"surprise!" She kissed everybody and said thank you except she did not come to talk to me, did not even acknowledge me!(*&#%?&*() (It was not my idea to surprise her at work but had to go along with that) (...)

So I went to see her and I asked if all was all right and she said: "Yes, well I had plans to study but I guess it won't happen today."

I was told later during the party that she had been stressed out about it for quite some time. ( Why did the ones that know did not tell me that) And she could have mention that to me I AM HER MAID OF HONOR!

So all day during our party, I did not see a smile on her face and took her aside at one point to try to talk to her. She said everything was allright. But really, I know she did not enjoy herself.

I twas uncomfortable as the night progressed because some of the guests started complaining about everything: the choice of bars, the cover charge in bars, the price of drinks, the weather, the choice of restaurant, everything was not to someone's liking...

I am hurt. My friend has choosen me to be her maid of honor and I think I fulfilled my duties. I spent a lot of time and so much money on this party. It was supposed to be the perfect night because everything had been picked according to what she likes.

Now, the wedding will take place in the Carribean and I think I should clean the air with the bride especially but also with some people that I think have issues with because of what happened at the bachelorette party.

As we will all be travelling together and spending an entire week together, I would like to set the record straight with the bride and tell her how I feel. I think her behaviour was innapropriate and she should have brought up her issues. We could have cut the night short and get together before our trip after her exam or just keep it simple with the group parting after a few drinks.

I am highly disappointed but dont know how to bring it up to the bride.. Please Help me. I want the best for her on her wedding day, but I can't support a Cruella!!!!!

Thank you

A sad and hurt maid of honor.


myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Bachelorrette nightmare, Please Help!
Posted: Apr 6, 2009 1:33 AM Go to message in response to: cleopatre

I am very sorry that this party turned out negatively for you. But, I really, really think that at this point you should say nothing. You have tried to clear the air with the bride, and she said repeatedly that everything was fine. If she wanted any more clear air, I'm sure she would have said so. I also believe that surprises of this order are a big mistake---if you're planning what to do with someone's life, I believe that the person should be informed--not necessarily about the specific plans, but at least enough to keep the date clear. Obviously, she changed her plans because of the surprise party. But, if she really needed that time to study, you can kind of understand why she might have been uptight.

At this point, what, exactly, do you hope to accomplish by confronting her, or the other people who supposedly knew what her plans were? A confrontation at this point will do nothing but ruin her happiness at her wedding and jeopardize your friendship.
myra at


Nalamienea Posts : 2,924 Registered: 6/13/08
Re: Bachelorrette nightmare, Please Help!
Posted: Apr 6, 2009 6:55 AM Go to message in response to: myra

I agree with Myra. Unless you plan on apologizing one more time for interupting her study time, nothing good could come of ripping off the scab that maybe has formed over the incident by now, ya know?


IMG_7463.jpg picture by sarahandchris2008



MrsMcCain Posts : 580 Registered: 10/24/07
Re: Bachelorrette nightmare, Please Help!
Posted: Apr 6, 2009 9:38 AM Go to message in response to: cleopatre

I am going to have to disagree with the PP and say that you should talk with her. I think that is the right thing to do because she is obviously still upset (which she is really overreacting) and you are suppose to be spending an entire week together. I would be very very uncomfortable having to take a week trip with someone when there is that much tension!

If you want to bring up that night I would start by saying "I would like to talk about what happened at the bachelorette party". However, do not demand an apology from her. I know your feelings are hurt and that you put a lot of time into what you did, but at the same time if you think that she owes you an apology and doesn't get one things could escalate. If you guys have been friends as long as you say then a good talk is in order, just try to keep it civil and try to understand eachother's points of view. Hopefully after you talk things will be better.


auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Bachelorrette nightmare, Please Help!
Posted: Apr 6, 2009 9:39 AM Go to message in response to: cleopatre

Dear Cleo,

What do you mean to accomplish by "clearing the air"? Do you want to put this all behind you? Or do you want to solicit apologies from other people, including the bride?

I don't think anyone owes you an apology. With the best of intentions, you scheduled something that was a major intrusion on someone else's life. She expected to go home after work and study for the exam. She should not have to check with you, first, to see if she would be allowed to do that.

You owe her an apology that in all your preparations you did not consider the possibility that she might have other things going on that night. My suggestion is that you apologize to her, then resolve to never again get involved with a surprise party. Once that is over, try your best to forget it ever happened.


Bride2008 Posts : 3,058 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Bachelorrette nightmare, Please Help!
Posted: Apr 6, 2009 10:08 AM Go to message in response to: cleopatre

I have to agree with AOTB with this one. I understand your feelings are hurt, but you brought in on yourself. Planning a "surprise" bacheloratte party with things you thought she would like is not a smart idea and it bit you on the butt. No offense - why didn't you check with her to see if the date was good for her? Honestly, if I was the bride I would have been furious. The other bridesmaids should not have bitched to you about what they did and didn't like after the fact, but that has nothing to do with the bride.

Honestly, it sounds like you are playing the martyr here. I don't think she is going to apologize and nor should she. Learn from this - when you are planning a party with a guest of honor, try talking to the guest of honor.

Don't make me go Brooklyn on you. I have brass knuckles and I know how to use them.

P.O.O.P.E.R. - People Offended by Offended People Executive Recruiter

Edited by: Bride2008 on Apr 6, 2009 10:11 AM


ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Bachelorrette nightmare, Please Help!
Posted: Apr 6, 2009 11:20 AM Go to message in response to: Bride2008

I agree with AOTB and Bride2008 - she doesn't owe you an apology. You took a chance in planning a surprise party, and it bit you in the butt. It's not her fault she had other plans that night - nor do I think that she was obligated to tell you that she didn't like the party. I'm sure she was just trying to make the best of the situation and tried to enjoy herself.

I wouldn't bring the issue up again. What purpose would that serve? Unless YOU want to apologize to her, I don't think there's much to be said. She certainly doesn't owe you an apology, nor should you try to get one out of her. I would quietly apologize, put the situation behind you, enjoy her wedding, and then never plan a surprise party again.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People


MrsMcCain Posts : 580 Registered: 10/24/07
Re: Bachelorrette nightmare, Please Help!
Posted: Apr 6, 2009 12:46 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

I am a little surprised at how some of you are being so hard on the OP. Many people plan surprise parties for the ones that they care about. Sure, she should have made sure the date was available, but none the less, her friend didn't appreciate the thought at all and treated her like crap. I really think that her friend overreacted and was very rude about the whole situation. It sucks that the party didn't work out, but does that give someone the right to pout like a little baby and make another person feel bad? The OP had good intentions and her friend should have realized this. If one of my friends planned a surprise party for me I could tell you that I would absolutely not behave that way, and I would say thank you. If the date really was as bad as this brides due to a test I would have politely said "I'm very grateful that you went through all of this trouble to plan this party for me, it was really thoughtful, unfortunately I have a test soon and I really need to study for it and I will not be able to go out."

If someone does something for you and goes out of their way then you can at least say thanks.

OP I strongly believe that your friend does owe you an apology, although I do not think she will give you one. Her rude behavior and lack of appreciation was unacceptable.

I am astounded that some ladies on this board would actually treat a friend that way if they had a surprise party planned for them. I guess that I was raised that if someone does something nice for you then you aren't rude to them. I agree that it sucks the date didn't work out and the OP should have planned better, but there is still no excuse for rudness, especially to someone that you consider a friend.


PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Bachelorrette nightmare, Please Help!
Posted: Apr 6, 2009 12:58 PM Go to message in response to: MrsMcCain

MrsMcCain - The OP says "I know she didn't enjoy herself' even after she asked the bride and she said it was OK.

So, in that case, I think that the bride tried to make the best of a situation and if I had an exam and I had that period of time to study - I'd be annoyed too but try to make the best of it.

The fact is that the OP is then looping all the other people complaining about the event into how the bride felt.

Well, those people were ill mannered.

But try as you might to be happy about something when it's not happening at the most opportune moment - you can't be all sunshine and giggles 24/7.

Basically - the OP SHOULD have checked on the date with her friend (without telling her what was going on ), the others SHOULD have told the OP about the exam - NONE of this happened.

I would think it's best to let sleeping dogs lie or the OP can confront her friend, probably end up out of the wedding and just be a ditz about everything.





Destiny123 Posts : 519 Registered: 5/5/08
Re: Bachelorrette nightmare, Please Help!
Posted: Apr 6, 2009 2:58 PM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

Ok. Wow.

If my friends planned a SURPRISE BACHELORETTE party for me, I'd be furious. As the bride, I'd think: What if i didn't WANT a bachelorette party? What if I wanted us to all just go eat and then go to a movie? What if I wanted a certain person there? Just because I didn't TELL you all this doesn't mean I didn't want it. I didn't know you were planning anything!!

I've had 2 surprise birthday parties and they were both great and I thanked the people who threw the parties over and over again. But those were birthday parties. I had bday parties every year. They KNEW I'd enjoy it. And they did a LOT of research to make sure I'd not only be surprised, but that I'd be happy with it all.

The bride was fine. She said so. If she wanted to tell you how she felt, she would've. Leave it. If you want to apologize again, do so. If you want her to apologize, don't ask for it. She's a bride. She's planning a wedding. And she's working. AND she's going to school. I'm sure she's stressed. Add ON TOP OF THAT, a MoH who wants an apology when SHE is in the wrong, efffffffff that. My maids and MoH decided last week that we needed to have a dinner, all of us, to discuss my bachelorette. We went to dinner, set the date, i told them what I certainly DIDN'T want (strippers, bar hoppings, etc.), and the rest is a surprise. It's as easy as that. I'm sure I'll have a blast, and it WILL all be a surprise, just because I know the date doesn't mean anything, or ruin anything. It just means I'll have time to get ready, plan an outfit to look adorable in, and make sure my camera is charged.

Just my thoughts.....


WinterWonderlan... Posts : 658 Registered: 8/23/08
Re: Bachelorrette nightmare, Please Help!
Posted: Apr 6, 2009 3:39 PM Go to message in response to: Destiny123

I do think some people are being a little harsh on the OP, but I do think that OP was in the wrong. I'm in nursing school plus working plus planning a wedding. This means my schedule is hectic. There is not one day that I'm not having to study for something or trying to figure out where i'm going to get the time to study for a test or write a paper. For example, tomorrow I have 2 exams, next week I have 1 exam and have to attend an out of town cource for 4 days, and then the next week I have 5 exams and a paper due. It would be IMPOSSIBLE for someone to suprise me with a party and not interfere with my school schedule, and there is no way I'd sacrifice my grades to humor someone for a night.

Also, a bach party is something that the bride/groom should always take a place in. For example, my MOH would probably think it'd be funny to do something involving male strippers, however I am not comfortable with this and it would probably cause some problems with me and FH. If MOH didn't talk to me about what she was planning and her suprise involved strippers, chances are it'd hurt both mine & FH's relationsihp, and mine & MOH's friendship.


CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Bachelorrette nightmare, Please Help!
Posted: Apr 6, 2009 7:08 PM Go to message in response to: WinterWonderlan...

Truthfully, I'd have been pissed if that's what you did to me. Think about it: she's stressed over a class and planning a night of studying. YOU drag her out for this bachelorette party that you didn't even consult her on, much less find out if she had room in her schedule. And you're upset that she didn't appreciate it? She was stressed over her test, feeling guilty about not being home studying and PROBABLY feeling guilty about not enjoying the thing. And if she didn't do as well on the test as she could have, she's probably even more annoyed.

I'm not a good person to be around when I'm stressed. I get very jumpy. And you ADDED to her stress. Me, I'd have told you to hang it, I was going to study. And if I didn't, I'd have just gotten more and more and more stressed during the party.

What I don't understand is this: you are going on a destination wedding for a WEEK before the wedding. Why in the blazes couldn't you do the bachelorette function there? That's PROBABLY what she was expecting.

This is her last 'hurrah' so to speak. It is not something that should be a surprise. It is her farewell to singlehood. If she wants it to be a dinner at a fancy restaurant she would normally not go to, that should be it. If she wants it to be wild stuff, fine. If she wants bowling and pizza...that's it. It is not up to anyone else to decide what it should be.

Yes, it was sweet of you to put in that work...but while you were trying so hard to make it a great night for her, you failed to do one thing: actually consult her.

It's not her responsibilty to tell you what her schedule is for every minute of her life up to the wedding -- MOH or not. And as for the friends who knew her schedule and didn't share? oooo, if I was Bride, I'd be having a major zilla moment on them, that is for danged sure. Sure, they probably thought "this will be a great stress reliever." NOT. When someone is stressing over a test and plans to study, taking away valuable study time is NOT a stress reliever, it isa stress inducer.

OP, we are not trying to be mean, but you did mess up. You should have consulted her on this. You should have at least asked her what her plans were and if she was free on a particular night, even if you only made plans to "Go to a movie" with her. There was no reason why you could not have "made plans" with her for that date....and then revealed what the real plans were later.

To you and the others, it was only studying. But to her, it was something important. You're lucky she was as polite about it as she was.

You do owe her an apology -- if you want to offer it. But she owes none of you one. She didn't ask for the Surprise Bachelorette party... and she had other plans, that you and the others wrecked. Her plans were importnt to her, but you all decided that yours were more important than what SHE had planned. I just hope she did well on her test.



kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: Bachelorrette nightmare, Please Help!
Posted: Apr 6, 2009 7:27 PM Go to message in response to: MrsMcCain

MrsMcCain, anytime anyone offers an opinion that is contrary to the OP's you seem to think it is harsh. It is not harsh it is different as it should be. If I feel someone made a bonehead decision I will say so. I don't sugarcoat it, that is not my nature. I am not rude I am just plain spoken. No one is mean on purpose.

Most people here felt the OP was wrong, myself included. She talks about all the work she put into this function but she never once bothered to do the easiest thing which would have been to consult with the bride to find out if her schedule would allow for this party. That is a bonehead move. I don't care if she took two weeks or two months to do all of this she did not make a 30 second phone call that would have spared her tender feelings. That was in a word is stupid.

OP there is no reason to confront the bride, just leave it alone go on with your life and your plans and next time know that the easiest way to protect your feelings is to check with the honoree to see if what you have in store for them fits in with what they want.




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Sucks to be you, So glad I am me

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triciam Posts : 128 Registered: 2/19/09
Re: Bachelorrette nightmare, Please Help!
Posted: Apr 6, 2009 8:06 PM Go to message in response to: cleopatre

Would you like to come and be my maid of honor?? :)

For those that were complaining- that is just rude of them.

I can't imagine the bride is really mad at you or upset with you. You were trying to put something together for her in her honor. I think it was sweet. I can understand if she is stressed about her exam so it may have interfered with her fully enjoying herself. She maybe just stressed out and that is why she is acting so different.


CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Bachelorrette nightmare, Please Help!
Posted: Apr 6, 2009 8:18 PM Go to message in response to: triciam

The other guests... yeah, way rude <G>. But the Bride at least went along with it.



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