FH's Parents Don't Want Us To Get Married

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Alexandira16 Posts : 3 Registered: 3/2/09
FH's Parents Don't Want Us To Get Married
Posted: Apr 3, 2009 2:24 PM

So my FH told his parents about our plans to get married and from the first moment we told them they were not happy. They tried very hard to talk us out of it saying that we are too young and the we won't be able to afford living together etc. After talking to them for a while it seemed like they understood we were serious and were going to support us. Then after a couple weeks we found out otherwise.

We went out to dinner with them just for fun and one of my old jobs got brought up which involved serving wedding receptions. Talking about that I told them that, that was where I got some of the ideas for our wedding. AS SOON AS I mentioned our wedding they tried to change the subject and became disinterested. They following morning my FH's mom told him she thought we were going to take their advice and not get married until we were older. His mom thinks we are going to end up like her first marriage! She doesn't have any right to compare us to her because her first marriage was a set up by her father (without her knowledge) and then her husband became abusive. His dad thinks that because of the economy that we won't be able to keep jobs while going to school and that we will have to drop out.

A big part about why they don't want us to get married is something they won't even say. They think that we just want to live together which to them will lead to sex. The stupid part is that we already have. My FH doesn't want them to know because they are ultra conservative and would freak out on him. But if they knew then things would be easier because they wouldn't think that sex was involved in wanting to get married.

The biggest part isn't that they disapprove but rather the measures they are willing to take to keep us from getting married. His parents have said that if we get married then they won't help him pay for school anymore. But the money was left to him from his grandpa for his school. They shouldn't have a say if he can use it or not but they are doing it anyways.

What should we do? Should we wait to get married until we graduate so he won't have troubles with school or should we do what we think is best and get married anyway and he'll pay for school with loans and scholarships?

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kwidener21 Posts : 98 Registered: 1/26/09
Re: FH's Parents Don't Want Us To Get Married
Posted: Apr 3, 2009 3:13 PM Go to message in response to: Alexandira16

This is a tough decision. How old are you guys?? I'm guessing out of high school?

I see this is two ways. What's the rush to get married? Sometimes love can wait, I know that sometimes you think OMG I can't wait to be married, and most of us girls feel that way, but think pratically. If you guys are really in love whats another year or two? Being married will def cut down on what you do in school. You both will most likely have to get two part time jobs or a full time job and thats alot to carry when your going to school, worrying about bills, being newly weds, trying to hang out with friends and everything else that comes your way. I'm not saying it's impossible, it's just hard.

On the other hand, if you are in love so much that it can wait (for whatever reason) then I would tell them that. I would explain that your not getting married for sex and the reasons that you are getting married. Are you parents in support of the marriage?? Once they see that there threats are useless they might possibly come around. Being married you guys will be able to file for Federal Aide of college, but that dosent always cover everything.

Maybe there's a compromise you guys could make?? Be engaged now, have a long engagement and get married what you guys and half way finished so they know that you guys are serious about school as well as your marriage?

Over all put yourself in there position, what would you tell your child or best friend in this situation... the economy's bad, marriages have a 52% divorce rate and goes up the younger you get married, you are both young and have lots of things you could do.

Hope I helped a little and didn't make it worse!

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: FH's Parents Don't Want Us To Get Married
Posted: Apr 3, 2009 3:39 PM Go to message in response to: Alexandira16

At the end of the day, it really doesn't matter who is "right" or "wrong" (although, for the record, I don't think you should get married at least until after you're done with school) -- it matters how much you are willing to put off marriage to gain his parent's approval.


Don't even worry about the whole sex thing. That's none of their business, regardless of whether you get married.


If they want to withold money until they are more comfortable, they have every right to do so. I'm assuming the money his family left for his schooling is legally under their control. You can ask them to reconsider, but, the truth is, any thing that looks like you're asking for their approval will only make you look even younger.


If you're completely set on getting married on your own terms, then you can do so. Otherwise you're stuck with what they want to do. You can try and compromise -- say that you'll wait until senior year, or until graduation, or some other predetermined date that is closer to what they want but doesn't completely give in. Ultimately, though, the best thing to do is to try and understand where they are coming from -- they are older and know more about what you are getting yourselves into than you do -- and respect their opinion. Then figure out what sacrifices you are and aren't willing to do for their approval (and financial help).


Good luck.


__________________________________________

"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson

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ilovehim Posts : 179 Registered: 6/8/06
Re: FH's Parents Don't Want Us To Get Married
Posted: Apr 3, 2009 4:07 PM Go to message in response to: MsDenuninani

Wait Wait Wait Wait Wait Wait Wait Wait.

I'm a big fan of waiting. If you're sooooo in love then you'll be together forever, right? So what is the rush? Graduate, find a job, then get married. Please don't feel like you need to jump into a marriage just b/c you love someone. Actually, and I know I'll get flammed for this, but marriage actually has very little to do with love. You're going to need more than love to get through most days. I don't know how far you are in school, but trust me you'll change so much every year that by the end of college you'll hardly know yourself.

Plus, you really need to be smart about life. If his parents aren't going to help him pay for school if he gets married, then you two need to get your priorities straight. Education trumps marriage in this economy.

I'm from Louisiana.  The home of good food, bad education, and highly opinionated Catholics.

Love, 

Rebecca

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: FH's Parents Don't Want Us To Get Married
Posted: Apr 3, 2009 4:12 PM Go to message in response to: Alexandira16

How old are you guys?

Well, it's your life and you two can do what you want. You are both in love and you want to get married. Your parents can't stop you. BUT if that were me I would wait. I would want to have a steady job first and make sure that we have enough money to support each other before we make such a big step into moving out and getting married. Plus, it's best to finish school first because with the whole planning the wedding thing it's hard to focus on school. That's just my opinion. Besides, people grow apart and change when they are young. I'm not saying it will happen to you but idk, I just think it's best to wait. But you do what you guys want to do.

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Bride2008 Posts : 3,058 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: FH's Parents Don't Want Us To Get Married
Posted: Apr 3, 2009 4:29 PM Go to message in response to: Alexandira16

Honestly, I think his parents have concerns that aren't all that unreasonable. If you are still both in school and it seems like you are, college and your early 20's can be a very difficult time of adjustment and maturing. Marriage is also a huge thing to accept and get used to, even if you are very much in love. Overlapping the two could make things incredibly hard on the both of you.

I understand your position. It can be very helpful when FH's family is excited about the marriage or planning for the wedding, even though you are probably excited out of your mind right now. I know it would make me angry as hell.

Why not sit down and talk to them about possibly postponing? See how they react to the notion and ask them, calmly, why else they are concerned about the wedding. I would ask them flat out if its that they don't want you married at all or if they just don't want you married now.

Having a calm rational conversation can work wonders for a tough situation.


Oh - and telling them you already having sex is NOT a good idea. Instead of making them warm up to the idea of marriage, I think it will add fuel to their fire and they may even want to split you guys up.


Don't make me go Brooklyn on you. I have brass knuckles and I know how to use them.

P.O.O.P.E.R. - People Offended by Offended People Executive Recruiter


Edited by: Bride2008 on Apr 3, 2009 4:30 PM

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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: FH's Parents Don't Want Us To Get Married
Posted: Apr 3, 2009 4:32 PM Go to message in response to: Alexandira16

Um to be honest- if you're old enough and responsible enough to be married, you're old enough a responsible enough to pay your own bills too. Even if the money is from his Grandpa, it doesn't matter. Somehow he is getting school paid for him (which is a great luxury) and he would be a IDIOT to give that up. My DH was lucky enough to pay for his school w/ an inheritance and it's great living loan-free. Most people have student loans for decades.

And if you're SOOOO in love, then you can wait. What is the rush? b/c let me tell you , there are MANY days when marriage is NOT what it's cracked up to be. There are days I think I was too young at 26 to get married b/c of all the opportunities I've been offered in the past 2 years. So I cannot imagine thinking at 18 this is a good idea (or however old you are) You do NOT know where your lives are going to lead you...and to have to drag a husband or a wife with you can really make you miss you on things....TRUST ME

New Jersey: We have dumps, bays and cement boots and we know how to use 'em

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adrigirl01 Posts : 287 Registered: 10/2/08
Re: FH's Parents Don't Want Us To Get Married
Posted: Apr 3, 2009 4:54 PM Go to message in response to: Alexandira16

I think that if you think you're ready for it, go ahead...but be prepared to lose that money. FFSA is always an option for young married couples in school...it pretty much covers my friends' expenses...but don't rely on it. I guess it also depends on how far you are in school. My FH and I will both still be in school, but it'll just be a couple weeks after that I get my BA and then because of when the Masters program starts, I'll have about a year off to work and save and then I'll only have one more year. FH has about two years left, but wherever I get a job, he'll be able to too with his degree. Then again, I also have money in a college fund that is plenty to help with expenses.
Will you both be going to the same school? Do your goals take you in the same direction? (side note on PP's comment: I personally have pretty much changed zero in five years, I've just learned more academics...I'm near the end of college and I recognize myself quite clearly). I know plenty of couples who got married in college who don't regret it and are managing quite well. Just recognize the responsibility that comes with marriage and make sure you're prepared to handle it.

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ilovehim Posts : 179 Registered: 6/8/06
Re: FH's Parents Don't Want Us To Get Married
Posted: Apr 3, 2009 4:59 PM Go to message in response to: adrigirl01

(side note on PP's comment: I personally have pretty much changed zero
in five years, I've just learned more academics...I'm near the end of
college and I recognize myself quite clearly)



Right....

I'm from Louisiana.  The home of good food, bad education, and highly opinionated Catholics.

Love, 

Rebecca

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adrigirl01 Posts : 287 Registered: 10/2/08
Re: FH's Parents Don't Want Us To Get Married
Posted: Apr 3, 2009 5:06 PM Go to message in response to: ilovehim

Just because you changed so drastically doesn't mean everyone does. Some of my friends have and we're no longer friends because of choices they've made and then some of my closest are pretty much the same. Everyone is different. Don't generalize your transition as being the experience everyone will have.

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MrsMcCain Posts : 580 Registered: 10/24/07
Re: FH's Parents Don't Want Us To Get Married
Posted: Apr 3, 2009 5:39 PM Go to message in response to: Alexandira16

I haven't read much of the other replies so here is what I have to say. I don't know how long your engagement will be but I'm assuming it will probably be at least a year. (Most engagements are at least one year). I think that his parents will just need some time to get use to the idea of letting their son go. It sounds like you're really young, and that is probably why his parents are reacting the way that they are.

As for the sex, your FH might as well not lie about that. It will probably put them at ease in the end. As for the money, if your FH's grandfather left the money directly to him (i.e. through a will) then his parents technically cannot withhold that from him. I'm sure his parents were in the charge of the money while he was a minor, but now that he is not he should be able to get the money without having to go through his parents.

You are going to have to do what your heart tells you to. If you want to get married and so does your FH then go for it. His parents will accept it eventually, as they will come to the realization that they cannot control their son anymore. As for school, I don't think it's a bad idea for your FH to apply for scholarships and have student loans. This is how most people get through school and they do ok in the end. Good luck.

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ilovehim Posts : 179 Registered: 6/8/06
Re: FH's Parents Don't Want Us To Get Married
Posted: Apr 3, 2009 5:42 PM Go to message in response to: adrigirl01

So, you still think exactly the way you did when you were 15, 12, 9? Hum. "Growing up" hasn't changed your opinions and feelings on certain things? Hum.

I'm from Louisiana.  The home of good food, bad education, and highly opinionated Catholics.

Love, 

Rebecca

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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: FH's Parents Don't Want Us To Get Married
Posted: Apr 3, 2009 5:47 PM Go to message in response to: adrigirl01

Everyone changes, I mean everybody if you have not you are dead. You may not realize how you have changed but you have. We all grow and change everyday that is life.

OP financial aide is not all its cracked up to be. Loans are not as easy as they used to be, scholarship money is not falling out of trees anymore, tuition continues to go up all the time. Why would you even want to start off your life 100k in debt if you can avoid it by waiting a couple of years to get married.

I would wait, if you love each other today and plan to be together for life you will still love each other in a few years and he will have finished school and life will be wonderful just as you pictured it.

Or you can get married now struggle to get through school, stress about it and possibly break up because of all the tension in your marriage caused by not being able to pay for school and life.

The choice is yours.

 

 

 

Kenny and me perfect together, 10 years and counting

Sucks to be you, So glad I am me

Proud Member of P.O.O.P,  People Offended by Offended People

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adrigirl01 Posts : 287 Registered: 10/2/08
Re: FH's Parents Don't Want Us To Get Married
Posted: Apr 3, 2009 5:57 PM Go to message in response to: kennysoldwife

I never said I didn't change at all, I said I didn't change a lot. My values, morals, goals, priorities..all still pretty much the same. You're always going to be changing...so does that mean thirty is still .too young? 'Cause you're going to change from thirty to forty. And when I said I haven't changed much since hich school.. I didn't mean freshman year I mean graduation. But that doesn't matter. Some people change more drastically than others and I've changed a little learning a life lesson here and there...but you don't know me so you cannot try to say that I have changed a lot since graduating and going to college because you've never been around me.

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brownegirl Posts : 523 Registered: 10/14/08
Re: FH's Parents Don't Want Us To Get Married
Posted: Apr 3, 2009 7:23 PM Go to message in response to: Alexandira16

In my experience, parents can take a while to warm up to the idea of marriage. My MOH was 23 when she got married and her FIL's were adamant that the marriage was a bad idea. I am 27 and my FIL's are also adamant that this is a bad idea. So, to a certain extent, you may be pissing people off no matter when you get married.

That being said, I wonder how old you both are. When FH and I were 21, we thought we were ready to get married. We'd already been together a couple of years and we were all intense and in love. Marriage seemed like a good idea. The problem was we were both still in school and not working at all. We talked about it but it stayed at talk. We both knew it would be a bad idea, we could not support ourselves and FMIL would have cut off the money she gave him for college in a heartbeat, and what if there was an unplanned baby. The stress alone would have probably ruined our relationship. We waited.

Now, FH is doing post-grad work and working part-time. I am working full time. It is not ideal and I would have loved to be living with him long before now but things happen in their time. Have a super long engagement if you want to but don't rush into marriage if you are both still studying. Fights about money and other basic stresses kill marriages. Waiting will allow you to mature and grow and learn more about each other.

Putting your wedding plans on hold may suck but it may be for the best in the long run.

Sorry if this is long but I have seen so many couples crumble because they were too young.

Best of luck.

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