MY FH is SPENDING when we should be SAVING! (long, sorry)

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MrsJDtobe Posts : 159 Registered: 2/15/09
MY FH is SPENDING when we should be SAVING! (long, sorry)
Posted: Mar 31, 2009 6:44 PM

I am so frustrated and it's been one of those days...um, more like WEEKS! Well, my FH and I set our budget when we decided to start planning our October wedding...Basically, I was to come up with most of the funds and he'd pay the difference. However, he somehow feels he needs to accomodate EVERYONE'S needs that day. For example...he wants to provide transportation for our entire wedding party of 16 PLUS their guests for the DAY.

The ceremony begins at 3 PM and reception ends at 11PM...(it's a long greek ceremony, and we have a 5 hr reception with cocktail hr). It would cost nearly $2,000 for transportation for all these people. Our venue is 16 miles from the church and hotel. I don't find it offensive to offer a limo to the church, i.e., the guys get picked up from the hotel and taken to the church (where they will have pre-planted their cars, essentially--only minutes apart, mind you), then the girls and I would be taken to the church and then after the ceremony just HE AND I will ride in the limo to the church for a few minutes of alone time. I don't want to ride in a 24 passenger MONSTER limo with 6 TVs and a fireplace (yeah, a fireplace) just so we can all fit. Especially when I utterly despise his BM's girlfriend.

OK, so here is the part that bugs me...He knows I am stressing over finances because while I try to save on parts of the wedding, he complains that we can't cut certain things out. BUT....then he spent $700 for a new motorcycle exhaust system "because the black matte finish is so much cooler than the chrome"....UGH!!!!!!!!! Then he had to spend $200 to buy some tools to install the damn thing.

So when the wedding planner called me and said we needed a budget meeting I was worried. I told her that I could only come up with $19,000 more for the rest of the wedding (we already put in like $5k on deposits and such) Well, there left about $7k. So I called my FH about it and he said he wanted to see the budget, line by line...which I could understand. However, for months he had been planning all this overtime at work to come up with the difference and now I feel like there won't be any extra there! His answer was literally "what do you want me to say?"...ughhhhh!

We have lived together for a yr. and this frustrates the hell out of me because he needs to stop buying toys when we have a plan in motion. It's one thing to say we will budget X number of dollars and have it in hand, but when you budget it from what your savings will be when you accumulate it is another. He just isn't letting it accumulate!

Sorry for the vent but basically I am going to tell him to start giving me a certain set amount each paycheck for the wedding budget. Sad that I have to do that to a 30 yr old man, lol! Just makes me think he doesn't take it seriously, or that his "sugar mama" FW will handle it, UGH!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On October 11, 2009, my cop will forever be cuffed to my heart ;-)

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FALLbrideINLOVE Posts : 1,056 Registered: 3/30/07
Re: MY FH is SPENDING when we should be SAVING! (long, sorry)
Posted: Mar 31, 2009 7:33 PM Go to message in response to: MrsJDtobe

take a deep breath. relax. you are doing good and making plans. clear your head and have a heart to heart with him. it is good to keep in mind the budget. make sure there is room in the budget for wants within reason. just because the exhaust is not important to you, as well as the idea of transportation, your guy is his own person and entitled to joint control of where the money goes. i wouldn't say he is waisting money based on your post, it's more of a different priorities thing. hopefully you can get on the same page. wedding planning can be stressful but it will work out for you. you seem very focused and able to produce results! good luck!

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: MY FH is SPENDING when we should be SAVING! (long, sorry)
Posted: Mar 31, 2009 7:59 PM Go to message in response to: MrsJDtobe

Dear Mrs JD,

"We have lived together for a yr. and this frustrates the hell out of me because he needs to stop buying toys when we have a plan in motion."

"We" have a plan or "you" have a plan?

If the plan was his plan, he would be cooperating. If it's your plan, and yours alone, why would he want to give up his toys?

If money is so tight, just ditch the limo entirely. Why stress about who rides in what? Ride in your regular cars.

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: MY FH is SPENDING when we should be SAVING! (long, sorry)
Posted: Mar 31, 2009 8:07 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

I agree with AOTB.

Also, if he's willing to give you the money to put in an account, then I would do that. I love my DH, but what he thinks he'll and what he does sometimes ends up being different. This would solve that problem (hopefully) and decrease the stress between the two of you.

Also, I totally agree about the limo. For my brother's wedding, a family friend who had a really nice car drove the bride to the wedding and drove the married couple to the reception.

Good luck!

 

 

 

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MrsJDtobe Posts : 159 Registered: 2/15/09
Re: MY FH is SPENDING when we should be SAVING! (long, sorry)
Posted: Mar 31, 2009 10:06 PM Go to message in response to: MrsJDtobe

His limo reasoning is understandable...he is a cop and doesn't want anyone drinking and driving. But we have gone to many a wedding where no one accommodates US!...even if one of us WAS in the party! We just drank responsibly or had a DD...why should we fork over the cash so they can binge drink at our open bar?

Also, it was OUR budget and OUR idea...but now it seems it needs to be MY money only. That is the part that stings the most. I even excluded my bossy mother from the flower portion of the event because even though she offered to pay, it meant she'd offer to control every aspect of my day. I'd rather go broke than have her ruin my day by controlling it, LOL (j/k....well, not entirely) LOL

I just want a beautiful wedding just like everyone else in this forum and it does get stressful. I just had some wine (ok, truthfully a LOT of wine...FH opened a big bottle for us to relax) and that helped but I still worry. I am a graduate student in Business School just under a yr to go for my MBA and am living off the money from a business I sold. I also get a little bit from a coaching gig at a private school (I thank GOD for them!)...but I am not employed full-time and am more strapped for cash than he is. I have children from my previous marriage and I have full legal and physical custody of them. Their father doesn't really do anything at all besides the child support. He still owes court ordered medical bills that I HAVE PAID. Hence the stress!

I am still paying off bills he created and left unpaid when we got divorced! Since my name was changed so long ago, mail forwards to him, so many things for the house that I kept ((I pay the mortgage on) et sent to him. Like the home security monitoring system bills. One day out of the blue a man came and served me papers for court! My ex husband and I were getting sued because HE NEVER CANCELED THE SECURITY SYSTEM COMPANY!!!

Yeah, wtf...So when they were sending bills (to my old name and his name) they were being FORWARDED to him...So on top of wedding stress, I get this stuff to worry about out of the blue! It's moronic! I literally have to take him to court soon for the medical bills since he is court ordered to pay. We are talking in the thousands of dollars of orthodontic treatment for our oldest. Now the other 2 girls need braces and I worry if he will pay...My FH said he will pay since he is the one who takes care of them now (which he does...he's a great dad) but it should be my ex since the court ordered it.

OK, I feel that the wine is making me type as much as I would chatter, so I will leave you beautiful ladies and hit the rack (wow, my old Navy language is setting in!).
Night all!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On October 11, 2009, my cop will forever be cuffed to my heart ;-)

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manderz421 Posts : 17 Registered: 2/7/09
Re: MY FH is SPENDING when we should be SAVING! (long, sorry)
Posted: Mar 31, 2009 10:45 PM Go to message in response to: MrsJDtobe

I totally understand the whole "toy" thing. My fiance has raced motocross for years and told me and everyone at the track that he was quitting motocross to save for our future. He sold his dirtbike to buy my engagement ring. well... then he saw his dirtbike for sale on craigslist and bought it back, now he is planning on racing every weekend again. Motocross is very expensive, especially when you have to travel to different tracks. So now his racing buddy got him into racing RC cars! Are you kidding me!! ughh I think he told me the RC car was $200 and it's $15 to race each Friday night. that is definitely alot cheaper than motocross but still! Now I get out of work Friday night and go home and do nothing while he's out playing. And I really don't think he's been saving that much money. He always yells at me for shopping but I can also budget my money and pay my credit card bill on time. I grocery shop, he eats everything in a week. and I don't even live there! I only make $400 a month until I actually get a real job once I graduate college, and besides a little shopping here and there, I save every penny! and I am very lucky that my parents pay for everything for me. So yeah, lately I feel like he isn't even trying to save money and I am. so it's definitely frustrating.

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: MY FH is SPENDING when we should be SAVING! (long, sorry)
Posted: Mar 31, 2009 10:56 PM Go to message in response to: MrsJDtobe

The fact is that your guests need to be responsible. Supply numbers for cab companies.

Everything else, you just have to work it out. I don't even have any good suggestions.

 

 

 

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: MY FH is SPENDING when we should be SAVING! (long, sorry)
Posted: Apr 1, 2009 12:11 AM Go to message in response to: MrsJDtobe

Dear Mrs JD,

I don't know where to start.

There is a reason why, traditionally, first weddings are extravagant and second weddings are low-key. People tend to have the responsibility of children when they get married a second time, and money that might have gone for an extravagant wedding is tied up in support for the children.

"I just want a beautiful wedding just like everyone else in this forum"

Sure, everyone wants a beautiful wedding. The wiser brides, however, want a beautiful wedding that they can afford. That means they pay their bills, put money aside for emergencies, and then plan a wedding with what is left over after the bills are paid.

If you have children, support for the children has to come first. That's what they teach you in Mom School. Moms go without things for themselves in order to support their children.

I truly don't understand your attitude towards you FH. On the one hand, you say he's supporting your children, children who were fathered by another man that you picked to father your children. On the other hand, you're upset that he's buying himself "toys" with his own money instead of putting that money towards a wedding. His overtime pay is to go towards the wedding.

In my mind, this is absolutely backwards. First, make sure your children have what they need. Orthodontia, school clothes, toys, whatever. Second, pay your own living expenses bills. Mortgage, utilities, etc. Third, take whatever is left after your children are provided for, and put that towards a wedding. Work within that number. Forget the limo, if you can't afford it with what you have. Fourth, go after the children's father for his fair share of support. Finally, don't gripe at the poor guy who, after supporting your children, wants to buy himself a few toys.


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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: MY FH is SPENDING when we should be SAVING! (long, sorry)
Posted: Apr 1, 2009 12:13 AM Go to message in response to: manderz421

Dear Mander,

"So yeah, lately I feel like he isn't even trying to save money and I am. so it's definitely frustrating. "

So, do you expect this to change one iota once you are married? Do you want to go the rest of your life saving money, and sitting home alone, while he's out racing?

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: MY FH is SPENDING when we should be SAVING! (long, sorry)
Posted: Apr 1, 2009 7:39 AM Go to message in response to: MrsJDtobe

MrsJD I know how you feel. You want to save every possible bit in order to have the wedding of your dreams. My FH and are saving but there are times where you can't save every bit, you have to "live" a little. My FH is going to buy parts for his computer. I said that was alright since it's HIS money. He already put a big chunk into our wedding fund so I was ok with him spending money on a computer, plus I know how much he wants it. I'm going to a concert next month and I will spend some money. FH and I are still saving money for the wedding but we are still "living life" and doing fun things with our money also. As long as their is a balance and you are both still putting money aside for the wedding then everything will be ok :)



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BibliophileMom Posts : 80 Registered: 3/26/09
Re: MY FH is SPENDING when we should be SAVING! (long, sorry)
Posted: Apr 1, 2009 11:15 AM Go to message in response to: CheetahAngel

Just a thought - it sounds to me like you might be stressed about your ex-husband's irresponsible behavior, and you are putting that stress onto your fiance. It sounds familiar to me - I've done it too. Like you are so freaked out about your ex-husband that when your fiance does anything that even remotely seems like something your ex-husband would do, you lose perspective. I'm not saying that to offend you - like I said, I've done it myself. I just have to keep reminding myself "new fiance is NOT ex-husband. They are different people, and even if they do a few things the same, it does not mean new fiance will do everything ex-husband did."

It sounds like you and your fiance are fighting on opposite sides here. You want him to contribute more toward the wedding of YOUR dreams, and he wants to spend money on things that are important to HIM. (If you completely disagree with what is important to him, then why are you wanting to spend the rest of your life with him? It's not going to change.) The only suggestion I have is to remember that you are on the same team. Instead of "what I'm contributing vs what he's contributing," think about the life you are creating together. Maybe that life includes a $25,000 wedding and motorcycles (or whatever it was), rather than a $30,000 wedding and no motorcycles.

If he did agree to the wedding plans, but now isn't willing to pay up, then he probably doesn't truly want the wedding in the same way you do. It just might not be as important to him to have a picture-perfect wedding. That doesn't mean YOU aren't important to him. And of course, he should be supportive of the things that mean a lot to you (including the wedding). But that works both ways - you should be supportive of his desire to spend money on motorcycles.

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DoesntPlayNice Posts : 809 Registered: 12/17/08
Re: MY FH is SPENDING when we should be SAVING! (long, sorry)
Posted: Apr 1, 2009 11:56 AM Go to message in response to: BibliophileMom

I don't have much to say about the wedding budget...but I do suggest that you both sit down and get a clear picture on how finances are going to be taken care of after the wedding. It sounds like yall are not on the same page.

Previously Posted as Military Bride.

Back from Iraq and ready to switch out the ACU's for a Wedding Dress!

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mrsJLA Posts : 445 Registered: 5/25/08
Re: MY FH is SPENDING when we should be SAVING! (long, sorry)
Posted: Apr 1, 2009 4:02 PM Go to message in response to: DoesntPlayNice

I agree with DPN - The whole His money is "His money and My money is My money" is fine and dandy while you are not married or not living together, but that thinking got us in a number of tangles once we were living together and then married. And if my DH went out and bought motorcycle parts w/o discussing it with me, I think I would have a serious problem with it. Nothing big gets bought w/o both of us agreeing on it. However, if it is his savings that you are both agreed on as his money, well then he can buy what he wants. But sounds to me like you are spending from his money that he doesn't really get it NOT his money but rather wedding money and that you both need to sit down and discuss.

 Jaime :)

Wedding Pictures and the Furbabies: http://web.me.com/me182a

 Lilypie Expecting a baby Ticker

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NewMrsVelino Posts : 144 Registered: 6/9/08
Re: MY FH is SPENDING when we should be SAVING! (long, sorry)
Posted: Apr 2, 2009 10:30 AM Go to message in response to: mrsJLA

Another suggestion I would have as I am in the same boat as you, have your FH give you a set amount of money a week that you can put to the side in an envelope somewhere in the house. This was suggested to me and I thought it was the best idea ever, lol. I actually got my FH to agree to it and he has stuck to it, maybe it'll work for you.

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: MY FH is SPENDING when we should be SAVING! (long, sorry)
Posted: Apr 2, 2009 5:16 PM Go to message in response to: MrsJDtobe

why should we fork over the cash so they can binge drink at our open bar?


Excellent question! as a cop, I assume that your FH expects people to be responsible for what they choose to do, right? why not expect that of his friends and family. And, why have a full open bar for the whole evening--shut it down and serve coffee at least an hour before people hit the road.

As for your FH and his saving/spending habits, I would advise that you get used to it--this is who he is. So, see what agreements you can work out about your/his use of money--or just accept that this is your life.

And, as for the "beautiful wedding," not everyone even wants an extravaganza. And, in these times, everyone will understand that there are limits on your budget. So, cut where you can--chicken instead of steak, DJ or iPod instead of band, fewer people on the guest list, less expensive flowers, less alcohol, no favors and certainly, NO LIMO.
myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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