Update! Broken and Falling apart.....and im only 19 and a wife

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adrigirl01 Posts : 287 Registered: 10/2/08
Re: Broken and Falling apart.....and im only 19 and a wife
Posted: Mar 24, 2009 1:15 PM Go to message in response to: CheetahAngel

I agree with all of the above. The longer you stay, the harder it will be to leave and likely the more violent he will become. You need to get out NOW. Since he (I'm assuming) knows where your family lives, I would recommmend a women's crisis center. They're often not labeled in order to prevent husbands from searching for their wives there, so go to the police station, tell them your situation, and tell them you feel you need to go to a crisis center. It is a wonderful program and they help you get back on your feet and provide lodging for you while needed.

I understand that you feel ashamed and embaressed, but you shouldn't. You were pressured into this and that was wrong of your family. But what if you bring a child into this??? That would be awful. It is your responsibility to yourself to exit that situation. The only thing that should cause you any shame or embaressment is if you make the choice to stay in that situation. Since you work and go to school, I can only assume that he at least so far does not have you isolated and imprisoned in your home, which if you stay is very likely to happen in due time. Next time you're out of the house, seek help. Do not put it off. Do it immediately. Unless you have alone time to do so, don't worry about packing all your things just leave.

My prayers are with you and I wish you the best of luck. But please, get out now. Nobody deserves this and NEVER think that you are at fault.

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Rose217 Posts : 474 Registered: 8/9/08
Re: Broken and Falling apart.....and im only 19 and a wife
Posted: Mar 24, 2009 3:36 PM Go to message in response to: CiCi2221

Hey, CiCi, are you still there?


What do you think of everything you've heard from the women on here? What are you feeling right now? Are you scared, feeling braver, or think we don't understand your situation? How is the relationship with your husband today? Do you think you might be able to leave him, or at least seek counseling? Have you sought out any of your friends for help yet, or looked up a women's crisis center in your area? If not, are you at least thinking about it?

I realize it hasn't even been a day since your original post (and I hope I'm not overwhelming you with all the questions!), but I'm worried about you and was wondering how you're doing....

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Broken and Falling apart.....and im only 19 and a wife
Posted: Mar 24, 2009 3:45 PM Go to message in response to: Rose217

CiCi - I'm with Rose.... How are you doing? Any thoughts on the suggestions that have been posted?

 

 

 

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CiCi2221 Posts : 3 Registered: 3/23/09
Re: Broken and Falling apart.....and im only 19 and a wife
Posted: Mar 24, 2009 4:20 PM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

Hi ladies, wow I cant believe how much you ladies have compassion for a complete stranger! This means alot! I feel like there is still hope for me. For the first time in a long time I really felt cared for. And Im very grateful that I came on. However still feel very lost. I think I've realized what my problem is.........I've been brought up my whole life to put others first and to never hurt anyone else and not be selfish. I guess i feel in a way if I leave him, im going to feel like thats a selfish act for me to abandon my marriage. But thats not the only thing that is making it hard on me its just not that easy to get up and leave....I live in a very SMALL town and due to the economy all the shelters have closed and I just checked my account and im broke! Due to the fact that the majority of money has been going on alcohol. So going to a hotel or trying to find another place is not an option. I did try calling my college to see about getting a dorm room there but there's a 1 year waiting list. So as much I appreciate those suggestions, I don't have those resources here. I do have friends but there all the same age as me......and none are are married and they still live at home with their parents so there isnt much they can help me with even if they tried And I don't have any family where I live except for my parents. So there's no one to turn to.However, I did try and speak to my mom about it and she told me to try counseling but I dont know if that's going to work. I haven't talked to him at all today, but I know that he stalks me on a daily basis to make sure I am where I say im going.

Alot of you have stated to go to the police but I've heard that alot of the time they get released the following day.......and what if he comes back and trys to harm because of that? Or even worse.....what if I go to the police and since I have no proof.....they won't believe me. So how do I go about that?

I do want to mention one other thing.....im very surprised that NO ONE had anything negative to say about me seeking comfort in the other man. I mean we havent done anything else but talk on the phone But isn't this still considered cheating?.....

Well thanks again ladies, it really means so much. You've all brought warmth to my fragile heart. But its just hard to stand up for myself when I have no one to hold my hand through this but I think that with the support you ladies have given me I feel that I at least have some hope.



(Sorry it took so long to reply.....I just hadn't gottena chance to get on until now)

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TanisJ Posts : 2,669 Registered: 4/25/07
Re: Broken and Falling apart.....and im only 19 and a wife
Posted: Mar 24, 2009 4:26 PM Go to message in response to: CiCi2221

Cici thank you for the update. Please please call the hotline I posted earlier. They will tell you what resources are available and have trained people to talk you through this and give you a real plan.

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

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MrsRicecake Posts : 700 Registered: 2/2/08
Re: Broken and Falling apart.....and im only 19 and a wife
Posted: Mar 24, 2009 4:28 PM Go to message in response to: CiCi2221

CiCi. You have to leave. If you have shared your feelings with this other man, cant he help get you out? Dont feel ashamed for seeking comfort in someone, even if it is another man. Just dont do anything physical until you are COMPLETELY done with your husband. It is NOT at all your fault. It is his fault. If your parents cant see that, than shame on them. But if you share this with your mom, she has put up with the abuse probably because of her children, Im sure she would help you. You are her child and moms protect them.

Get out of this. The sooner the better. It sounds like you are the bread winner and can afford to leave.

Married Since December 27, 2008!

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Nalamienea Posts : 2,924 Registered: 6/13/08
Re: Broken and Falling apart.....and im only 19 and a wife
Posted: Mar 24, 2009 4:29 PM Go to message in response to: CiCi2221

I think if that other friend is what's going to get you out of this, then that's fine. Whatever it takes to get you OUT of the house! Can you stay with a friend's parents? I know it's not ideal, but you need to get out one way or another, okay?

Yes, ideally you would be gone when you call the police, as in not living with him. You do have proof tha the's hit you, your friend saw it that day, remember? He steps between you guys and helped you!
And pardon me for saying so, but your mother is full of shit. This man HIT YOU, and not just once!! You are worth more than that. You do not need to put up with it because it is completely UNACCEPTABLE. I'm very sorry for your mother too that she never loved herself enough to get away from an abusive husband, too.

Call your school and ask to see a counsellor. Talk to that her, okay? She'll know your area better than we do. Please.

 

IMG_7463.jpg picture by sarahandchris2008

10/26/08 

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Broken and Falling apart.....and im only 19 and a wife
Posted: Mar 24, 2009 4:44 PM Go to message in response to: Nalamienea

CiCi - Call the number TanisJ gave you - there may be resources you are unaware of.

Otherwise, I'm with Nala. I would go to your school and talk to a counselor. They may be able to expedite your application for a dorm room given the circumstances.

You have to get OUT of this situation. Whatever it takes for you to get out of this situation is what you HAVE to do.

 

 

 

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adrigirl01 Posts : 287 Registered: 10/2/08
Re: Broken and Falling apart.....and im only 19 and a wife
Posted: Mar 24, 2009 5:18 PM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

CiCi-- I also strongly encourage you to call that hotline. You won't see public listings for many women-specific shelters, so there may be one in your area you don't know about. Are there any nearby cities or other towns that may have shelters? A friend in a dorm you could stay with? And yes, if you go to the police, he may be let out the next day, but you could also request for them to take you to a crisis center and they can likely find a way to transport you to the nearest one. Have you asked about staying with friends even if they live with your parents?

I also recommend talking to your local churches; they can be a great resource. Perhaps avoid your own church if the pastor/staff is very acquainted with your own family and if your actions would be condemned. I am not criticizing the Catholic church with this next statement, but if you are from a small town, perhaps your own church is the only Catholic one in your area to turn to, which leads me to say this: If you have any protestant churches or the like in your area, or any alternative ones in general, seek them out. Many church's have their own resources for such situations and some may even have some little-known housing.

Just please find a way out of that situation. Does this other male friend of yours have room for you at his place? If so, take that route. I wouldn't advice persuing any sort of relationship with him without being completely done with your husband, but if you trust him like it seems you do, let him help you out of this situation.

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MrsRicecake Posts : 700 Registered: 2/2/08
Re: Broken and Falling apart.....and im only 19 and a wife
Posted: Mar 24, 2009 5:40 PM Go to message in response to: adrigirl01

PLEASE CALL THE HOTLINE!!!!!!!
I agree with the PP call churches, they dont have to be Catholic any Pastor will be able to help you. This is not a healthy situation. You CANNOT live your life for someone else or because your parents might get angry if you leave a harmful situation. You have the strength to come here and get advice, at least that is a step in the right direction.
Just talk to someone. Even if you have to live with a friends parents at least you will have a safe place to stay until you can get on your feet.

Married Since December 27, 2008!

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Broken and Falling apart.....and im only 19 and a wife
Posted: Mar 24, 2009 6:32 PM Go to message in response to: MrsRicecake

I mean we havent done anything else but talk on the phone But isn't this still considered cheating?.....

No, why would it be? Talking to a friend isn't cheating. It's normal to seek comfort in friends, particularly when you're going through hard times - and getting hit by your husband counts as hard times.

Anyway, I agree 100% with everybody else. Stop making excuses, and GET OUT! Call your priest, call that hotline, call your school counselor, call a friend - call ANYONE! So what if your friends all live at home? One of them must have parents who care, right? I don't have kids, but if I did, I would NEVER allow a friend of my child's to go home to an abusive spouse when I have a sofa, spare bedroom, or FLOOR she could sleep on.

I would start by calling that hotline. The people there are trained to help women in your situation. They will help you see that there ARE solutions available to you, regardless of your location, friends and family, lifestyle, or the amount of money in your checking account. If nothing else, calling them will make you realize that you're not alone - and that you've done nothing wrong. They have all kinds of solutions and resources that we don't know anything about - call them and discuss your situation and your fears. They will have an answer for you, and you WILL get through this. Once you call, you can discuss your situation and get their advice on how to proceed. Whatever you tell them, they've heard similar stories before and will know how to deal with it.

And please keep us updated. We may not know you in person, but we all care about you and want to see you safe.

I guess i feel in a way if I leave him, im going to feel like thats a selfish act for me to abandon my marriage.

No, it is not selfish to abandon this marriage. You are being abused. Your life is in danger. Leaving him isn't about selfishness...it's about self-preservation. As in not getting killed when your husband is in a drunken rage. No woman deserves that, and you are NOT selfish for getting out.

And back to the religious side of it, physical abuse is DEFINITELY grounds for an anullment. Talk to your priest about it, if you want to. And an anullment is not 'leaving your marriage.' An annullment is a declaration that the marriage never took place. You do NOT need to stay in this marriage - there is a WIDE OPEN way out, even if you don't believe in divorce. It is precisely for situations like this one that the Catholic church invented annullments.

By the way, where are you? Perhaps someone on the boards knows of some resources in your area.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Broken and Falling apart.....and im only 19 and a wife
Posted: Mar 24, 2009 7:10 PM Go to message in response to: CiCi2221

Hi CiCi:

I'm so sorry you're going through this, but you have taken an important first step -- you reached out. Yes, to an annonymous board, but I suspect that for you that took a great deal of courage. But it is only the first step. You've got to leave your husband to protect yourself. And it's scary. But isn't it also scary to live with a man who treats you the way he does? You mentioned he is shadowing you to make sure you are going where you're supposed to. That is a very scary sign -- because he's stepping up his abuse, not stepping it back. He's getting worse. Next will be forbidding you to enroll in classes, and if you do, preventing you from attending -- and affecting your grades and coursework (which is a problem for later places). He might not be there yet, but he's getting close. You're in a bad place, and around the bend is a worse one coming. He's getting close to isolating you.

What the others have said is all important. Seek out Churches (I'd avoid the Catholic one....not to diss Catholic churches, but from what I've read on these boards, you have to go through Pre-Cana or something and then the priest has to certify that you're up for the marriage and that you're entering it willingly etc. And from the sound of it, you pretty much had a shot gun wedding because your parents and his parents co-erced this union. And that priest signed off on it. Steer clear of him.) Protestant, Jewish, Unitarian. Whatever one you find, go there. (I'll put in a bid for the Unitarian, personally...but that's because it is my faith.)

We actually had a Domestic Violence Vigil several months ago. My minister and SEVERAL other ministers from different denominations around the city came together to speak out against Domestic Violence AND TO EMPHASIZE HOW IMPORTANT IT IS FOR RELIGIOUS LEADERS TO DENOUNCE IT. Too often, RELIGION and FAITH are the reasons women stay in these relationships, and faith leaders encourage them to go to counselling and to pray. But they do not encourage the woman to get out.

The thing that was repeatedly stated by these religious leaders was that marriage is a covenant. And when domestic violence is introduced into the relationship, the covenant is broken. You both vowed to love and honor one another. How is his behaviour HONORING you.

You're not being selfish. HE IS. You're not leaving the marriage. HE ALREADY DID. God does not want us living with this type of abuse....and if God does, then God is not worthy of our worship and praise. That's not a sacriligious statement. It's a statement of truth. Any deity who designs that women should be beaten is not worthy of being worshipped. I do not believe that it is God's design for us to live that way.

The Baptists love to use the passage which tells women that they should submit to their husbands. But the other part of the passage is: Husbands, love your wives as Christ loves the church. Does Christ beat the Church? Does Christ call it names and belittle it and make it feel worthless? NO.

Your husband has broken his covenant with God and with you. You have every right to leave.

So go to your school or go to the police or go to a church. (And please do keep coming here. You've got a bunch of annonymous women rooting for you, and we do want to help. Even if all we can do is listen to you vent. But you've got to take the next step and the next step.)

The road ahead is not easy. It might mean cutting YOUR family off. Your dad does this to your mom. I wonder how brave she might be when she sees her daughter say "No. You will not do this to me." Maybe she'll find the strength to put value on herself too, seeing your example.

Please Cici. Get out. I know you've read stories of women whose husbands have killed them, beaten them to death. Please do not become a statistic. You're 19. You have a long life ahead of you, and you can do it.

Misty

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Rose217 Posts : 474 Registered: 8/9/08
Re: Broken and Falling apart.....and im only 19 and a wife
Posted: Mar 24, 2009 7:26 PM Go to message in response to: CiCi2221

Hi CiCi,

Thanks for posting again, I know we're strangers but we really do care about you.

I was so worried about your husband hurting you before that I completely forgot the other details of your original post, so let me add now, that having a male friend is NOT cheating. Where exactly the line gets drawn is different for every couple, but most people agree that doing something physical would count as cheating, but talking to each other, even relying on each other through hard times, is not. The fact that your husband has cheated on you multiple times and you're still with him is courageous, forgiving, meek, passive, and self-neglecting. You husband is a cheating, abusive, alcoholic and you don't deserve that for ANY reason. Not because you're a woman. Not because you're Catholic. Not because of how you feel about yourself. Not because you're his wife. Your husband's behavior is unacceptable and dangerous but most of all, it's not your fault.

Now, you say your husband is watching you and knows where you are every day, so to protect yourself, you should probably seek help carefully to prevent making him angry and using violence again. Does he check what websites you've been visiting? Does he look at your cell to see who you're communicating with? If so, use a friend's phone or a payphone to call that helpline Tanis listed.

And as tough as it is to admit there's a problem and seek help, especially to people who know you and your husband in the community, you need support in the near vicinity (not just us on brides.com, although we're great too ;)). When I was a senior in high school it was discovered that my girl friend's father was physically abusing her, and within a day one of or guy friend's parents had stepped forward and took her in. It didn't matter that she was a girl and he was a boy, or that she was 18 and legally an adult, she needed a safe place to stay and arms were gladly opened for her. Your situation is serious and any smart adult will see that and help you.

Good luck, and come back soon!

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carebearny1999 Posts : 1,253 Registered: 9/21/07
Re: Broken and Falling apart.....and im only 19 and a wife
Posted: Mar 24, 2009 7:33 PM Go to message in response to: CiCi2221

CiCi--my sister was in a position very similar to yours. She DID cheat on her husband, numerous times with the same man. When they went for counseling and divorce she was told they could NOT hold it against her as she was driven to it. Her husband was (and is 'cause unfortunately she took him back--that's a whole 'nother story!) physically, emotionally, financially, and sexually abusing her. (yes ladies, refusing to ever sleep with her unless she obeyed his every command is considered a form of sexual abuse!) He also drinks heavily. (Makes me SO thankful my hubby won't touch alcohol!) There are places to help, even in a small town. You may have to go to a larger nearby city for a shelter. but PLEASE do it!! My sister's dirtbag CHOKED her in front of their 2 young kids!!! I forced her to leave that night with only a basket of clothes for the kids and a change of clothes for her. We spent the night, terrified he'd find us, in a seedy nasty hotel in our small town. He called my cell phone 118 times looking for her, each message he left getting nastier and nastier. Armed with that, and the ER visit paperwork (I made her go, she couldn't turn her head without crying) we headed to the courthouse the next morning for a restraining order. We were able to keep him away for 3 months until she allowed him back on the property making the restraining order null and void. Usually the restraining order says he may not come within 100 yards of you--if he does try to--call the police! And by all means--PRESS CHARGES!!!! (sis dropped them--I could've choked her myself after all that!!) If he's hit you once, he WILL hit you again. I know from statistics and from seeing it with my sister. (although I DARE him to do it in front of me!!!!) He needs help and you are under no obligation to make sure he gets it. For your own good, get out!! I can't believe his mom would say not to tell yours but PLEASE tell your mom!! (Show her the post here if you can't bring yourself to tell her face to face!!!) NOBODY "deserves" this and you are plenty young enough to find yourself a REAL man, which is one who cherishes his wife. (BTW--I'm sure my friends could come up with bible verses that support the fact that you are to be treated lovingly!!) Please keep us updated and PM me if you need to.

 

Proud member POOP - People Offended by Offended People

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carebearny1999 Posts : 1,253 Registered: 9/21/07
Re: Broken and Falling apart.....and im only 19 and a wife
Posted: Mar 24, 2009 7:40 PM Go to message in response to: carebearny1999

Rose just made me think of something--do your local stores have the "safe place" for teens?? I know our McDonald's does too. You just walk in and say I need help and they hand you the phone to a place that can help runaway and abused teens. While I know you're an adult, and married, I'm guessing someone there might still be able to help and they are more local! Just a thought!

 

Proud member POOP - People Offended by Offended People

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