a few ring and proposal questions

Online Users: 1,323 guest(s), 0 user(s). Replies: 13

Mite Posts : 5 Registered: 3/23/09
a few ring and proposal questions
Posted: Mar 23, 2009 3:52 PM



My girlfriend is hinting at me everyday about getting
engaged. If it was up to her we would have been engaged months ago. We will be
having our 6 month anniversary of being together on the 27th of this month.

We both didn't see ourselves getting married til late 20s starting out the
relationship. Im 24 and she is 21, and both of us can't help but think about it
now, we seem to be a perfect match for one another, and is hard to go a day
without seeing one another. We have lived together pretty much since day 1, and
cant think of a single day we havent seen each other. We were best friends
almost immediately and our relationship still feels like it gets better and
stronger with every passing day.

I like to thoroughly research things, specially big decisions and decisions
that involve a good deal of money. Im now wondering if the way I usually work,
is going to cause problems when it comes to engagement. Im starting to sense
that she thinks I dont feel the same way she does about us, when in fact I do.
She has brought this up to me, and i've explained it to her, but I can tell
that she cant help but feel it.

The way I originally was thinking, was I pretty much knew id marry her, but
didnt really think much into rushing and getting engaged. Though, this is not
how she was thinking. She knew she wanted to marry me early on, and wants to
get engaged now, even if we dont actually get married for say a year or two.

So, ive been thinking id rather make her happy, and really been thinking of
going ahead with an engagement, since i have known i wanted to, so why not do
it now instead of later and make her happy.

Heres where a lot of my concerns and questions fall. I tried to find as many
answers through your search here, but was unable to find some others.

She doesn't like your typical rings. She wants a black diamond with white gold
band. She also doesnt care about price, the current ring and band set she has
shown me, was about 450 and said it was perfect to her. Now, I am hoping that
this is true, I don't want her to not care about the ring because she doesnt
want me to spend much money on it. When it comes to the black diamond, and
white gold, I do know that she does like those better, but im just unsure on
the carat and price, she has even shown me engagement rings at around 200 in
price that she said was more than enough for her. I just dont want to get her
something, that down the line and we are out of school and doing better
financially, her want something better. I don't think she is like this, but a guy
cant help but think about random crazy thoughts when its such a big decision.
also, how are black diamonds anyways? are they opaque at all?

The biggest thing I could use some advice on, is should I just ask her to marry
me, and say lets find rings together as a couple? since her taste is so unique,
I am wondering if this is the best option. I am actually thinking maybe I
should shoot for this friday the 27th, which is our 6 month anniversary. But,
this is a problem, because the 27th and 28th, her brother is getting married,
and I dont want to try to steal any ones weekend or anything like this. What do
you guys think? To me the 27th would be perfect, ask to get rings together,
which I think she would be happy about, but then theres the problem of her brothers
wedding. Possibly, propose, but ask her to keep it to her self for a bit? til
the wedding newness dies down? or is that a unreasonable request heh, i can
definitely see that as maybe being a problem.

I just know that she would rather have it sooner than later, and if she knew i
was thinking about doing it the 27th, she wouldnt want to wait til after her
brothers marriage heh.

i am also wondering about asking her dad for the permission. He is the type who
pays for his childrens weddings, but with my girlfriends brother having a
wedding this weekend, and sister in september, he has mentioned to my
girlfriend, that she has to give him time to recover before shes allowed to get
married, apparently when he said it to her, it was said jokingly, but im sure
with some seriousness to it.

One thing im a bit concerned about, is her parents, are a bit on the... ugh not
nice side? They have always hated all of her friends, and her past boyfriends.
Never liked a single one of them. However, he seems to not mind me that much.
It is hard to tell with him, though him talking about her needing to give him
time, makes me wonder if he actually does like me, and wouldnt mind it. Still
im not sure what id do if he was to say no. He is a very sarcastic and has no
problem sharing what hes really thinking, and is very mean in his way of saying
such. He is a hard man to be around, I do not agree with the way he talks to
his daughters, and sometimes that really gets under my skin. He likes to try to
get under their skin verbally and sarcastically a lot.

Oh, on a side note, another reason why the 27th would be good for me, is I work
2 jobs, and many weeks work 7 days a week. then, the weeks i work 6 days, our
days off dont fall together. The 27th and 28th are going to be our first 2 days
off in a row together since i started my second job.

I just have so many things going through my head, I just hope I can get some
good solid advice on some of them



Oh, almost forgot, she sometimes gets a rash from some of her other rings, is this something im going to need to be worried about with white gold?

Reply


mrsJLA Posts : 445 Registered: 5/25/08
Re: a few ring and proposal questions
Posted: Mar 23, 2009 6:21 PM Go to message in response to: Mite

Ok - for one SLLLLOOOOOWWWW down. Are you talking 27th of this month? For all of your concerns that is just too soon to ask anything. Wait till the other wedding is over, and sit down with her and make sure that she is ready for this engagement/marriage/long wait/ whatever. Sit down with her dad and express that you want to marry his daughter but that you are mature enough to understand that it is in your best interests to wait a couple years. And don't come out and say it but its you ought to be waiting not just to give him time to pay for it (the wedding), but because you both need to get more financially & emotionally settled in life.

I know you are 24 and 21, but you are you are still both young and I hate to sound cliche likely in the honeymoon phase of your relationship. I knew I wanted to marry DH right away and so did he, but being we were both in school and trying to get our careers going - we waited. Waiting won't kill you and you should NEVER feel pressured to get engaged just to make her happy. Of course she's giddy and in love - but why does she want to be engaged now rather than later - because her friends/family are getting married, because she likes the idea of the big wedding, what? As soon as my friends starting getting married, I felt that bug to get married as well (even though it was not the right time for me). Have you seen the movie "He's just not that into you?" Where the guy marries hsi college sweetheart because it felt right at the time and because SHE wanted it more than him? Where did they wind up? Divorced. Not saying this is you, but you need to think about it from more than her perspective.

Maybe you can get her the ring or a small one as a promise ring, one that you can upgrade later, closer to the actual wedding date - when I expect that both of you will be financially more secure (as you imply). Or pick it out together AFTER discussing things as I said before. In any case, most women don't mind getting an upgrade later. Afterall, she does seem to care more about marrying you than getting some big rock on her finger.

I am glad you asked all these lovely brides to be and past brides for some advice - I am sure they have a wealth of it for you. So now take what we say and go think about it and talk it over with your girlfriend so that both of your are on the same page. Afterall there is way more to marriage than a ring and a ceremony.

 Jaime :)

Wedding Pictures and the Furbabies: http://web.me.com/me182a

 Lilypie Expecting a baby Ticker

Reply


kelleyiskelley Posts : 11,590 Registered: 7/2/06
Re: a few ring and proposal questions
Posted: Mar 23, 2009 6:51 PM Go to message in response to: Mite

Wow , you sure do talk an awful lot for a guy! Damn.

I dont think my husband has spoken or typed that many words since .... well, ever.

Anyway; you have a LOT going on in that mind of yours. I understand that you are in love and you are both adults and want to marry etc; BUT lets be honest here. You have only been dating one another for 6 months! That is not a long time. And yes, youre in love , blah blah blah... I know. But - and this is just my opinion here - I really dont think that 6 months is really enough time to fully know someone. I would make a commitment to your girlfriend ; perhaps just with spoken word or a promise ring or something - but hold off on getting engaged for awhile. I just dont think you are ready. You have too many questions and seem to be intimidated by her dad etc. Maybe take some time to get to know him better, and get to know your girlfriend better too. Then talk about it again in about 6 more months.

If you dont follow this advice and are hell bent on getting engaged right now; then please do not interrupt or step all over her brothers wedding weekend. There is just too much going on with his wedding ,and her parents will want to be focused on that; not on their daughter getting married too. Its just not a good time. If your girlfriend really loves you, she will understand if you want to wait this out for awhile. Be smart about it.


Check out the Wedding Planner Buzz and My Blog @ www.myaislerunner.com  

Co-Founder and Proud Member of P.O.O.P - People Offended by Offended People.

"Children are just like adults, minus the crushing failure." - Stephen Colbert

  

Reply

Mite Posts : 5 Registered: 3/23/09
Re: a few ring and proposal questions
Posted: Mar 23, 2009 7:20 PM Go to message in response to: mrsJLA

We have sat down and talked about it. She is on same page with waiting to actually get married til after we finish school etc. We both knew we were going to get married pretty much from the beginning. We really are a perfect match for one another.

At first, I wasn't thinking about being engaged, because when we started the relationship, we were both not wanting to get married til late 20s. I had started to think how I knew I couldn't wait that long, but never put a large amount of thought into it because I assumed she was still wanting to wait til later.

Then, this is when she started dropping hints, and bringing it up, and wanting me to propose. She told me her entire plan for her life has changed because of me. Even her major in college changed because of me. She was going for a degree that would have her out of country a huge portion of the time, and she decided after meeting me that she didn't want to do that anymore. It made her rethink of the reasons she was getting into that field, and realized she would much rather be a elementary school teacher.

At first, I didn't realize just how soon she was wanting me to propose. I knew I was wanting to marry her, but I was always too busy with job or this or that. It just eluded my mind.Then I started to really think about it, and really found out a lot about myself. I was subconsciously scared of it. I was also letting dumb things make me scared of it as well. Im surrounded by people who tear marriage down, and hate the thought of it. So, not even realizing it, I was letting the opinions of others, change the way I was looking at getting engaged. I remember my roommate was at a hotel where there was a bachelorette party being held on the same floor. When she mentioned to him she was about to get married, his reply to her was, oooooo sorry, that sucks. Was said in complete seriousness.

I know these aren't the best type people to surround myself by, but sadly a lot of it is family, and other are longtime friends who didn't always have these type of views(also my roommates). I think subconsciously I didn't want to be ridiculed, looked down on, or I guess even made fun of/teased etc. I not even knowing or realizing was letting these things change my outlook. I know its stupid, and I should have caught it sooner, but I finally stopped and thought about it and realized only opinion that matters is hers and my own.

I am a polar opposite of my brother, who is only worried about the number of women hes been with. I never wanted that, and never understood that way of thinking. To me, sex is nice, but overrated. The relationship and friendship of that person makes sex a nonfactor when it comes to my relationships.

When it comes to my girlfriend, we both have dated etc, but never have we felt like this towards someone before. She really is my best friend and vice versa. Both of my parents see how we are together, and already know we will get married without either of us saying a word to them.

Our relationship goes so well, that it makes everyone around us mad at how much of a match we are for one another.

All my life i've never met a better match for me, nor did i ever see me finding such a good match my entire life. This is shared with her as well, which is why she is wanting to be engaged now, and I understand that, and when I finally quit letting outside influences get in the way, am thinking more clearly now.

Reply


PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: a few ring and proposal questions
Posted: Mar 23, 2009 7:22 PM Go to message in response to: Mite

If you do anything, wait for the brother's wedding to be over. Her new SIL will NEVER forgive you and it's unforgivingly rude.

Next, I think you should wait more then 6 months. If you chose not to - OK. Get her the ring she wants. that's all good. Also, you don't have to chose wedding rings NOW - you can wait for that. And they don't have to be matching.

Sounds like asking her Dad might be a good thing - maybe to ease his mind, tell him you would like to ask for her hand in marriage but you are planning on a long engagement. That might ease his mind.

Good luck!

 

 

 

Reply

Mite Posts : 5 Registered: 3/23/09
Re: a few ring and proposal questions
Posted: Mar 23, 2009 7:35 PM Go to message in response to: Mite

When it comes to her father, its not as easy as that, because he doesn't like many people, and if he did he wouldn't show it. I have had quite a bit of time spent with him, its more along the lines of I could have years, and its not going to change a whole lot.

He is very sarcastic, and does not hesitate to say exactly what he thinks. A few times when eating dinner with her family, hes made remarks to her sister about how bad she looks and needs to lose weight.

Is just hard for me to be around someone that says harsh things like that.

When it comes to the 27th, I know its not going to happen, it was just an ideal time being an anniversary and our days off together.

Reply

Mite Posts : 5 Registered: 3/23/09
Re: a few ring and proposal questions
Posted: Mar 23, 2009 7:40 PM Go to message in response to: Mite

If I am to get engaged soon, I would be planning on waiting on ring. Since she has such a unique taste in rings, I would want us to pick out our rings together. I think going and shopping for them together would be something fun we could do together.

Reply


PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: a few ring and proposal questions
Posted: Mar 23, 2009 8:14 PM Go to message in response to: Mite

Mite - Sorry I misunderstood about the rings. A number of brides have gone shopping for rings and it's a surprise when they are presented with it. So that is an option and might help her know that you both are on the same page. Otherwise you can propose and go out looking at rings later.

Either is an option - if you are ready for this!

 

 

 

Reply


mrsJLA Posts : 445 Registered: 5/25/08
Re: a few ring and proposal questions
Posted: Mar 23, 2009 9:10 PM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

Ok well here take this. My now hubby and I became engaged in Dec of 2006. We figured we would wit three or four years. After a year and getting tired of waiting and family asking us when we would get married, we finally set a date - Oct 2008. That is just short of 2 years....

So when planning a long engagement, make sure you are realistic. Its not always easy to wait (especially with an open ended timeframe) and its even harder trying to plan a wedding on top of getting one's life together or finishing school or whatever. Also, how long ago did your GF change her major & life plans? I know you said she knows that it was right to change things to be with you, but I also thought I knew alot of things when I was 21. I was willing to work three jobs so I could stay near then boyfriend, now hubby, when I was 21. Did I regret it? Not neccessarily but I did go through that "phase" where I questioned if I had enough life experience to get married. It doesn't happen to everyone and I am giving worse case scenario here, but with both of you undergoing so many changes so fast, I would still suggest slowing down a little and taking your time before planning said wedding. Go ahead and get engaged if you are set on it, just take it slow (that is my opinion) because right now you & GF seem so love struck (from what you said) I still feel like you need to come down from cloud nine for a while before going down the marriage road.
And personally, I recommend getting pre-marital counseling to many couples - whether through a church or not - it will do you both a lot of good and help you grow together.

Finally - as far as Dad goes, it took me two almost three years to really feel comfortable around my now father-in-law. I know you don't care for him, but he isn't going to magically go away when you marry his daughter. And if he foots the bill, expect to see & hear plenty from her folks. You don't have to agree with them, but your gonna be stuck with them whether you like it or not. I still say talk to the father like the responsible young man you say you are as I don't care who it is, it appears that it will still gain you more ground than not asking at all.


 Jaime :)

Wedding Pictures and the Furbabies: http://web.me.com/me182a

 Lilypie Expecting a baby Ticker

Reply

Mite Posts : 5 Registered: 3/23/09
Re: a few ring and proposal questions
Posted: Mar 24, 2009 8:33 AM Go to message in response to: mrsJLA

When it comes to her changing what she wanted in a career, it happened shortly after we started dating. The career she had planned out, didn't really allow for a family. Was too much traveling abroad, and would have her out of country at all times almost.

She started realizing that really wasn't what she deep down wanted, because she always wanted a family. She is good with kids, and adores children, which is partially why she wants to do elementary teaching.

Its the same thing that kind of happened to me 2-3 years ago. I had my best friend pass away in a car wreck(18 wheeler ran a stop sign). This made me step outside myself, and do some deep thinking. I've made some huge changes in my life since then. Through it all, it made me realize I was pursuing a career for all the wrong reasons. Now im finally going for a career for the right reasons.

We would be waiting about 2 years to actually get married.

I did some more thinking about her dad last night. I have come to the conclusion that he does in fact like me. He just has a weird way of showing it sometimes. Last night my girlfriend told me, that he was wanting me to sit down with him and he would help me plan out school, graduating, and then the job stuff.

We have been starting to save because we would like to buy a house while it is still cheap to do so. He was also wanting to sit down and help us with that, but one thing he mentioned is it will be hard to do so without being married. After really thinking about it further, im pretty positive he actually does want to see us married.

Reply


mrsJLA Posts : 445 Registered: 5/25/08
Re: a few ring and proposal questions
Posted: Mar 24, 2009 12:37 PM Go to message in response to: Mite

Ok - that makes more sense. In your 20s you go through so many lfie changes, and so fast, that its often hard to see clearly at times... and to plan wisely. Especially when everything is going well.

BTW - you can buy a house before you are married, I wouldn't say its that much more difficult as my hubby and I bought our place in Dec 06 (around the same time we got engaged). The one with better credit's name will go first on the loan, and then the other persons. You can always have the name updated later if she changes it. However, I would suggest doing one thing at a time - either plan the wedding, rent for a bit then get the house... or get the house, settle in for a while then plan the wedding. We did the latter as there was no way we could do both at once, since we both work F/T and I take grad classes!

 Jaime :)

Wedding Pictures and the Furbabies: http://web.me.com/me182a

 Lilypie Expecting a baby Ticker

Reply

PrincessDee Posts : 58 Registered: 1/6/09
Re: a few ring and proposal questions
Posted: Mar 24, 2009 3:58 PM Go to message in response to: Mite

You have a lot going on right now, both as individuals and as a couple. The one thing I would suggest more than anything else, is to keep communicating opening and honestly about where you are both at and how you are feeling. My fiance and I were recently in a pretty similiar situation. We just got engaged and we celebrate our 6 month anniversary (of officially beginning our relationship) on the 28th. We knew each other well for a little while before that, and more distantly for a couple few years before that. Some people still think we're moving fast, but we're very comfortable with our pace. I was ready a little before he was, probably because I'm a few years older and have been in more relationships. I've had enough time in relationships not going well to be able to recognize when one is. I've been pretty blown away by how wonderful things are between us, that we can talk about anything, how happy we make each other, and how well we get along. We have had a lot of stresses in the short time we've been together, though. But that just makes me more confident. If we can deal with all that, I feel like we are much more likely to be able to handle any problems that might arise in the future. Only the two of you can decide when you're ready to make that step. I would suggest talking it out, and making sure there aren't any issues you need to figure out or important things you haven't discussed yet. As far as the ring goes, asking her about what approach she'd like would probably help. She might prefer you surprise her, or she might prefer to help pick out her ring. What each person considers special is going to be a little different. Whatever you decide, good luck to you both and congrats on finding someone you love so much!

Reply


bunnybear05 Posts : 157 Registered: 1/7/09
Re: a few ring and proposal questions
Posted: Mar 24, 2009 5:44 PM Go to message in response to: mrsJLA

I agree about the house. My fiancee and I bought a house before getting engaged. My name is on the house, but not on the mortgage (his credit is better then mine). My name got added on last minute because the lawyers were not aware that we wanted my name on the house. So its definately possible to do it.

Good luck with what you decide to do!! Let us know how it works out!

Reply


2009ToBeMrsV Posts : 256 Registered: 12/30/07
Re: a few ring and proposal questions
Posted: Mar 24, 2009 7:10 PM Go to message in response to: bunnybear05

Mite, first of all I commend you for being so open with your feelings and having the guts to come on here and speak so openly looking for advise and opinions and wanting to do the right there. There are not a lot of men out there like that and because of that I believe you genuinely have your heart and mind in the right place.

Some people will say 6 months is too soon, but you know what? My fiance proposed to me on our 9 month anniversary and like you we had already been living together for the majority of that time and had been talking about marriage as we were both 25 when we met and had been through our fair share of difficult relationships. We knew we were right for each other. We felt it was the right time to get engaged and go for a longer engagement, we have been engaged for just over a year now and are getting married in September... so about 1.5 year long engagement. We are both 27 now and are 110% sure this is what we want. Sometimes you just know and there is nothing wrong with that, it seems you have done a lot of thinking it through and know she is the one for you and it is a good sign when the father likes you if he hasn't liked past guys. My dad was the same way, he hated my ex's but he loves my fiance and he was really happy when he asked my Dad's permission to marry me.

I think you are doing the right thing, but I wouldn't rush asking her. Make sure you plan it out just right. It doesn't have to be done on your 6 month anniversary, you can do something special for her for your anniversary but wait until after her brothers wedding to ask her that way you have time to talk with her Dad. Here's an idea on your 6 month anniv. tell her that you want to take her ring shopping so she can pick out a couple of fav. rings, let her know not to be too concerned with making sure to pick out something cheap but to just look for something she loves. Then tell her you will make the final decision out of her favs and it will still be a surprise. Then have a talk with her Dad, show him the ring and all of that to get him even more excited and let him know how serious you really are. Then plan a special night for you and your girl and propose to her with the ring you chose. That way she will get what she wants, there is no rush and you can talk to her Dad, and you both will be happy in the end. Just make sure she is ready for a long engagement, meaning waiting at least 1.5 to 2 years... I've known people to wait even longer... but at least this will hold over her excitement and she will have plenty of time to bask in the joy of being engaged.

It will all work out in the end but I think the above is your best option for pleasing everyone and not feeling rushed or even proposing without a ring. :o) Good luck!

___________________________________ 

Engaged: January 1, 2008
Getting Married: September 19, 2009

Reply
RSS

Thank You
for Signing Up!

Check your e-mail inbox for the latest updates from brides.com

Give a Subscription to Brides Magazine as a Gift
Subscribe to Brides magazine