Guest list advice

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CBM09 Posts : 121 Registered: 3/7/08
Guest list advice
Posted: Mar 23, 2009 12:44 PM

Hey ladies, I need a bit of advice. To make a long story short, since FH and I have gotten engaged I never wanted a wedding, I would've rather eloped and saved myself the stress (I HATE being center of attention). Well since family is extremely important in both our families I decided to compromise and have a traditional wedding. I didn't want to upset our families so I figured that would be the best decision. Planning has been going well, both of our families have been given a limit of about 115 people....so 230 total. My mom was okay with this and we have had to cut some people but there is no way possible to invite everyone we would like to. So FH's mom made a rough draft of about 150 people. We told her that we need it to be around 115 so we cut the people that FH was okay with cutting. When we gave her the final list a couple weeks ago and she called FH wanting to know why so and so wasn't invited...and they really should be there ect....I guess the question I'm asking is, What in the heck do i do?! I don't want to upset her but I already gave my mom a limit and she cut people, so to say okay go ahead and invite them, wouldn't be fair. Oh and I haven't mentioned that FH and I haven't invited ANYONE of our friends that we want to be there so it is probably looking like the total will be around 300 people....Any advice? is it worth standing my ground or do i say okay and let the extra 35 people be invited?? Thanks in advance:)

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Guest list advice
Posted: Mar 23, 2009 12:50 PM Go to message in response to: CBM09

FH needs to stand his/your ground with his mother. 115 was the # allotted. Her list needs to come down.

But definitely let FH be the point person on this and dealing with his Mom.

Good luck!

 

 

 

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MrsJDtobe Posts : 159 Registered: 2/15/09
Re: Guest list advice
Posted: Mar 23, 2009 12:51 PM Go to message in response to: CBM09

I am going through the same thing and I am sure you will get many responses that tell you to stand your ground. Weddings are quite expensive and when other people, especially when they are not helping pay for it, want to give you their 2 cents it adds to the stress a wedding already brings. Trust me, I am close to canceling it all and going to sandals in ocho rios to have a destination wedding when we have our honeymoon planned!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On October 11, 2009, my cop will forever be cuffed to my heart ;-)

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Guest list advice
Posted: Mar 23, 2009 1:38 PM Go to message in response to: CBM09

Three Hundred People and none of your friends?! Something is wrong here. Your wedding, first and foremost, should be about people that you and your FH love, care about, and are close to. It is NOT about inviting every distant relative, friend of your parents, or business associate. It's especially important for you to be surrounded by people who love and support you, since you're not comfortable with the crowd scene in the first placed. So, sit down with your FH and draw some lines (e.g. nobody that you or FH do not know personally, no children, nobody beyond first cousins, etc. however you decide to slice it). Decide on a top number of guests, then divvy it up fairly (1/3 for you and FH, 1/3 for each of the parental couples is a usual way). You are a people-pleaser. You don't want anyone to be unhappy. But, in the end, YOU are unhappy--so, grow a backbone and take charge of your own wedding. If destination is the only way out of this mess, then, so be it.
myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Guest list advice
Posted: Mar 23, 2009 1:49 PM Go to message in response to: myra

Myra - I think the 300 was with their friends. They were giving 115 to each set of parents and taking 70 for themselves.

 

 

 

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CBM09 Posts : 121 Registered: 3/7/08
Re: Guest list advice
Posted: Mar 23, 2009 2:54 PM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

MrsJD-We are going to Sandals Ochos Rios for our honeymoon also!! just a few weeks before you'll be there!

Myra-Yes, Pharm is correct, 115 for each family and 70 for FH and I....You're completely right, I need to put my foot down!

I am going to talk to FH tonight and have him tell his mom that the original list we gave her is the final list. I think maybe I'll have him tell her to re-evaluate the original list and if they want to replace people then that's fine. They aren't contributing to the wedding so if they were then that would be a different story! I just wanted to make sure I was being reasonable about the whole situation and you guys helped me see I am, Thanks:)

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We2Heart Posts : 452 Registered: 10/11/07
Re: Guest list advice
Posted: Mar 23, 2009 3:16 PM Go to message in response to: CBM09

Wow, 300 is a lot of people for someone who doesn't want to be in the spotlight. How did you decide on the number may I ask?

Your FH needs to tell his mom that she can only have 115 guests. Your mom was willing to cut people off of her list. She needs to understand that not everyone can be invited also. 115 is a fair number of people too. Many weddings aren't even half as big as yours is turning out to be. Ask her who her top 115 would be and cut it there. IF there are declines, and only if, then the next people down the list could be invited. Kind of an A-list, B-list situation. Definitely stand your ground. I agree with Myra, this is your wedding and it should be guests YOU want there. You're already being very generous by letting the parents decide on who they want their guests to be. I understand how hard it is to cut people, especially family when family is important, but you can't invite the whole world.


~~~~~~~~
together is a perfect place to be because it's there that you can be delightfully imperfect. and there's nothing closer to perfection than being loved just because you are. 

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Westview Posts : 25 Registered: 2/25/07
Re: Guest list advice
Posted: Mar 23, 2009 3:21 PM Go to message in response to: CBM09

I know that the can be a really hard decision on who to invite to your wedding. I do want to emphasize that this is your wedding, not yours/ his parents. I know that it makes it hard when the parents pay because they think that they have the say. You need to make sure that you are ok with all the people on the list. I look at this way that it should be those who are important and significant to both of your lifes. I just never did understand why people invite those who are not so significant to them. I hope that you and your FI stand strong and allow this to be about you and not anyone else.

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CBM09 Posts : 121 Registered: 3/7/08
Re: Guest list advice
Posted: Mar 23, 2009 3:31 PM Go to message in response to: Westview

You ladies aren't gonna believe it but FH and I are actually paying for the majority of the wedding! My parents paid for the reception hall and photographer.

There wasn't really a specific way that we decided on the number 300, I guess that I saw it was going to be getting out of control so I said 300 is the MAX. we will have TOTAL.

With only almost 4 months to go until the wedding I am wishing I would've stood my ground in the first place. Oh well it's too late now I guess, so any advice about how to control my nerves on the big day, I know I'm going to be a wreck!!

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Nalamienea Posts : 2,924 Registered: 6/13/08
Re: Guest list advice
Posted: Mar 23, 2009 3:37 PM Go to message in response to: Westview

Take the advice of the other sensible ladies here, and consider it perhaps the first battle won in a long war. If she's not putting any money in for the wedding and yet is already showing her propension for being opinionated, then it's possible you're in for a long war. What will you say when she starts trying to impose her view on other things? "What do you mean you're getting married in a garden? MY baby boy is getting married in our church." "A champagne coloured dress? What will the relatives think??" "I know you said you didn't want to wear a veil, but here I bought you one anyway." "I don't want to sit at the table number 2, I want to sit at the table numbered 1"

It sounds ludacris, but those are all examples we've heard here from other brides. Put your food down now about the guest list and you may be saving yourself a whole world of headache later. lol

Not to mention if she decides she's going to try and decide where to buy a house, how to raise your children....etc...etc... lol

This may not be her personality at ALL but I guess I'm just saying that a lot of us here have seen this guest-list drama as the beginning of a MUCH larger problem. It's okay to be a people pleaser as long as you don't let yourself get trampled in the process. It's an important life skill to learn to be assertive - not rude or meek - just polite yet firm. :) Good luck!

 

IMG_7463.jpg picture by sarahandchris2008

10/26/08 

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firefightersbri... Posts : 49 Registered: 7/7/08
Re: Guest list advice
Posted: Mar 23, 2009 4:11 PM Go to message in response to: CBM09

I definitely agree with the other posters. It's your wedding so do what makes you and your fiancee happy. She might say it's only 35 people but 35 here, 10 there, and they start adding up. You've picked a number that is your absolute max and it's ok to not allow anyone beyond that. Good luck with the last four months of planning and just remember that it is your wedding and not her wedding.

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bunnybear05 Posts : 157 Registered: 1/7/09
Re: Guest list advice
Posted: Mar 23, 2009 11:47 PM Go to message in response to: CBM09

Oh my does a guest list add up quickly. I started off being brutal with who we are inviting, buy fiancee wasn't being the same. So I gave up and I am just crossing my fingers that its gonna work out. I really wanted a small 125 max wedding. We budgeted for 150max and we are up to 215 invited, and its still 8 months till the wedding.

But if most of teh money is coming from you guys and your parents, I feel that you have the final say on the numbers.
Good luck, hope it works out. Definately have your fiancee talk to his mom.

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RACR Posts : 52 Registered: 3/18/08
Re: Guest list advice
Posted: Mar 24, 2009 11:35 AM Go to message in response to: firefightersbri...

I am going through a similar situation so I can definitely relate - I know how difficult it is to stand your ground but the fact of the matter is that you cannot please everyone and it is YOUR wedding, not their social event. I think you are being more than fair to allot 115 people for both sides of the family!! Our guest list has gotten up to 265 with our friends and large families and a month ago my Dad sprung this idea on me that he wanted to invite his second cousins and would put in more money. It was hard and I didn't want to upset my Dad but if we had allowed this we would have allowed FI's family to do the same and you have to be fair and draw the line somewhere - ESPECIALLY if you are the ones paying!!

I'm with you on not exactly loving the spotlight, I hate it too! But I know I'll have fun at my wedding and you'll have fun at yours, just don't forget to make it your own and stand your ground (that goes for FI too!!) Good luck!

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