My mother is driving me crazy!!!

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kelleyiskelley Posts : 11,590 Registered: 7/2/06
Re: My mother is driving me crazy!!!
Posted: Mar 19, 2009 1:29 PM Go to message in response to: kennysoldwife

Hey Summer, heres the bottom line - you have to deal with the mom you have, not the mom you want. And unfortunately, it kind of sounds like your mom is a bit of a whackjob lol. You cant magically change her attitude to fit what you would like for it to be - you can only change how you react to what she does. So I would limit what you tell her about the wedding, do not count on any finances from her at all in the future, and most importantly; just let her be who she is and try not to let it bother you. Depending on your relationship and closeness with her though, I might have a conversation with her along these lines:

"Mom - this is one of the happiest times in my life, and since you are my mother, I really thought and pictured you being a bit part of this whole process and being excited and happy for me. But I have to tell you that Im a little bit surprised at how you have been acting from the beginning. You seem to have a problem with every single decision I am making and you also dont seem to realize that Im a graduate student on a budget. I cant invite every Tom Dick and Harry to our wedding. Since Im paying for my wedding, you need to let me make these decisions. I would really like your input and help with some things though, and Ill let you know when I need that. But what I really need from you is for you to be my mom right now and be supprtive. Is that somethign you can do?"

Now if this is her general character all the time and her behavior is NOT a surprise to you, then the above conversation wont do muich good. However - if you think that she is acting weird and this isnt her normal behavior in the past, I would have a talk with her like the one above.

Hope this helps.

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"Children are just like adults, minus the crushing failure." - Stephen Colbert

  

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BenjaminsWife Posts : 1,069 Registered: 1/11/07
Re: My mother is driving me crazy!!!
Posted: Mar 19, 2009 1:49 PM Go to message in response to: mrssummer09

I think crazy moms are a pretty common thing. My mom committed to paying for half of the venue and then backed out and then she wanted us to add stuff that we didnt have money for and all sorts of stuff.

It drove me and my DH crazy....especially my DH because he wasnt used to it like I was. After a while, I just ignored her and found other ways to pay for the wedding.

I told my DH that if I ever did that to my kids to do something about it. It was awful!


Just Married...9.20.08

Formerly BenjaminsBride 

 

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mrssummer09 Posts : 17 Registered: 9/23/08
Re: My mother is driving me crazy!!!
Posted: Mar 19, 2009 2:23 PM Go to message in response to: kennysoldwife

well everybody is entitled to their own opinions, and unfortunately people will put you through drama even when it's not needed. and while some people may seem like they have a "business-only" relationship with their parents, i never felt like i had to do so. she has never backed out of anything for me before, so now was a first. so excuse me for trusting my own mother. of course the issue has been resolved by now and i do not plan going about it the same way in the future. but for the most part, i'm sure most people automatically will believe that their parents will contribute if they say they will do so, especially when they put a number on it. i've never had to ask my mother for anything since i left the house so sorry, i don't have previous experience with being let down by my parents, in order to feel like i automatically have to whip out a contract like others are suggesting. but sometimes those things fall through and i understand. and maybe some do feel that i'm being ridiculous, but i guess i'm the only one who knows my mother and how she acts socially way more than anybody else. if i feel like she wants to be the center of attention and difficult and my family knows it, then that's all i need. i don't need anybody else who doesnt know me or my mother telling me that i'm ridiculous for not wanting her to wear a certain color dress. i guess b/c i know how she is, nobody can talk me out of feeling differently. i just wanted to ask those who are or have been involved in wedding planning if this MOB behavior is normal and would i be wrong if i didn't include her on anything else. all the other opinions weren't things i had a question about.

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kelleyiskelley Posts : 11,590 Registered: 7/2/06
Re: My mother is driving me crazy!!!
Posted: Mar 19, 2009 2:59 PM Go to message in response to: mrssummer09

Okay, really no reason to get all defensive, we are simply trying to help.
We do not know your mother, we only know what you post and what you tell us.
That is why I asked you if this is her regular behavior, or if it was out of the ordinary? If its not normal for her, then I still suggest you do what I posted above and talk to her along the lines of the sample dialogue that I gave in that post.

But generally speaking, if you are coming onto a message board for advice or opinions, that is what you will get. You dont get to dictate what people choose to reply to or how they respond to you. Take what is useful to you, but there is no reason to go off on others who are just responding to what you put out there for info. Chill out.


Check out the Wedding Planner Buzz and My Blog @ www.myaislerunner.com

Co-Founder and Proud Member of P.O.O.P - People Offended by Offended People.

"Children are just like adults, minus the crushing failure." - Stephen Colbert


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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: My mother is driving me crazy!!!
Posted: Mar 19, 2009 3:41 PM Go to message in response to: mrssummer09

Food for thought, if you want people to comment on something then put it out there. I don't know you or your mother but I know what you put in your post. If you wanted me to know the relationship you have with your mother you should have put that in your post. You didn't so I only have the limited information you posted.

From that limited information I found that requiring your mother a grown woman to wear a particular dress or to need your approval on a dress a ridiculous notion. If a child of mine told me I had to have approval from them on what to wear I would be extremely upset. Now if you said your mother is fashion challenged and you needed to suggest things that would have been different.

In future Miss Lady if you want someone's opinion either post the whole situation or don't have a hissy fit when a person voices their opinion on the information posted.

 

 

 

Kenny and me perfect together, 10 years and counting

Sucks to be you, So glad I am me

Proud Member of P.O.O.P,  People Offended by Offended People

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SoonToBeMrsDodge Posts : 70 Registered: 2/7/09
Re: My mother is driving me crazy!!!
Posted: Mar 20, 2009 10:01 AM Go to message in response to: mrssummer09

That's great that you're in-laws are so helpful in paying for the wedding. I didn't expect either his parents or mine to pay for the whole thing though. I just thought it would be nice for my parents to atleast contribute to our wedding when they paid for my sister's wedding. My FMIL has ultimately been more of the MOB I wanted so it's worked out just fine to me. Still love my mama to pieces, but I think she forgets the day is about us and not her getting dressed up to make my dad "jealous." She has a way of being selfish without realizing it and my sister will agree with me whole-heartedly...I'm think it may very well be one of the reasons my dad left. I'm a little surprised though. Lately she's been really great in the MOB department. I went dress shopping with her and I was impressed. I think the dress she picked out is very nice and it flatters her without sticking out like a sore thumb in our pictures. I told her to find something in the lighter blue, green, or tan/neutral families to compliment our colors and she actually did a great job. Not the typical MOB dress (I knew that was coming), but it's not over-the-top. She also spotted me $200 out of nowhere to help pay for my wedding dress when I fell in love with a different dress after paying for the first one. It was really unlike her, but I'm definitely not complaining! haha.

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"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

 Love never fails." - 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

 

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BirdLover Posts : 2,834 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: My mother is driving me crazy!!!
Posted: Mar 20, 2009 12:21 PM Go to message in response to: SoonToBeMrsDodge

I don't get it. The last three replies before your most recent post were kind and helpful. Yet you ignored the nice ladies (including myself) to crab about those who offended you. Why not acknowledege the people who tried to help and be understanding? Now I feel like I wasted my time bothering to feel bad for you...

Lilypie Expecting a baby Ticker

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kelleyiskelley Posts : 11,590 Registered: 7/2/06
Re: My mother is driving me crazy!!!
Posted: Mar 20, 2009 12:39 PM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

Birdie,
I actually think everyone was pretty helpful. Maybe some didnt give the answers she wanted to hear, but they certainly gave her advice. And I feel the same as you about replying to these people. Im getting a little bit tired of offering good advice, spending time replying to someone, and then they either A. disappear completely B. delete their original post or C. come back and whine about how they dont like peoples responses. Its getting really old, and really, makes me not want to reply to anyone whom I dont know to be a whiny crybaby. This is why sometimes, I will wait it out with people who have only one or two posts. Wait to see if they even come back, and if they completely overreact to differing opinions.

I understand people cant acknowledge every single poster, but Im getting sick of putting time into a thoughtful post that is actually trying to help someone, only for them to come back and get all pissy with me about it. It makes no sense at all.

Check out the Wedding Planner Buzz and My Blog @ www.myaislerunner.com  

Co-Founder and Proud Member of P.O.O.P - People Offended by Offended People.

"Children are just like adults, minus the crushing failure." - Stephen Colbert

  

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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: My mother is driving me crazy!!!
Posted: Mar 20, 2009 12:54 PM Go to message in response to: kelleyiskelley

I am with you on this one Kelley. Lately people have come on the boards and they complain about something or someone and then if anyone gives a reply and most are not negative at least in the beginning they come back with you are so mean, rude or some other phrase.

I don't get how it is rude to say no that is not the way I see it. No, you shouldn't do that. No, I don't think that is a good idea. It is not rude to disagree. It is not mean to disagree. It is not mean or rude to see things from another prespective.

This young lady complained about her mother and how she told her mom to get a job to make up the difference in the money promised and the money received. Okay, no one has the right to tell anyone else what to do with their money. How to make it how to spend it nothing. This was pointed out to her and she took offense. You don't know me or my mother or our situation, all true. Why is it that I don't know any of these things, could it be because the OP did not tell me all of these things in her original post?

Just like the girl in the other thread complained about her FH and his mother then when people offered her advice she flips out and tells us how not to respond to a cry for help.

It is nuts I tell you. They are all going nuts. Don't ask me for help and then have a hissy fit if I offer it to you.

 

 

 

Kenny and me perfect together, 10 years and counting

Sucks to be you, So glad I am me

Proud Member of P.O.O.P,  People Offended by Offended People

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mrssummer09 Posts : 17 Registered: 9/23/08
Re: My mother is driving me crazy!!!
Posted: Mar 22, 2009 7:34 PM Go to message in response to: kennysoldwife

Bird: Thank you for your comment too. I thought that i thanked everyone in advance for their comments but i guess i didnt. i apologize for that. I do thank EVERYONE for their comments.

Kelly and Kenny- No one is throwing a "hissy fit" or being a "crybaby". I really don't see anything offensive or how I got defensive in my posts. Was I a little straightforward? yes. but hasn't everyone been? Anyway, if it came across me getting an attitude, then no, it wasn't intended like that. many people before you had similar responses, and i agreed with them that i shouldn't have counted my chickens before they hatched. Now the comment about me being ridiculous and me "caring about others people more than i care for my own mother" is what i got confused about. i''m not sure where that came from anywhere in the posts. and i also never picked a style of dress like you said, just a color. so it did appear that a few wrong conclusions and strong responses were being drawn based upon something that i didn't say.

The dress has never really been an issue b/c many people's parents wear their children's wedding colors on that day. Just like me choosing my bridesmaid's (other grown women) dresses and their colors, the tradition is for the grooms side of the fam to wear a color and the brides side of the family to wear another. so 24 hours after we announced our engagement, she asking me what's her color. when i told her i'm not sure yet, i haven't thought about it yet, she keeps asking the same question a million times more. still i'm not telling the entire story b/c it's much deeper, but basically, she expected it too. however, the way she says many of the things to me, even about the wedding dress, was not cool. my family that is normally around tells her that she shouldn't be saying many of the things she says. that's why i mentioned that nobody knows how she is except me and my family. It would probably take so much to write telling the ENTIRE story or storIES all the way through. so instead of putting everything out there what she's been saying or how she is normally disrespectful, then I just wanted to outline some of the points. I felt that it was pretty pointless to write the entire story b/c it's really exhausting. that's why i was just concerned with how i can get through this big part of my life peacefully with good memories.

but it's so easy to give strong comments about something especially if nobody has been in the situation before. not saying that if you haven't been there, then you don't have the wisdom. of course you do. so if anyone took my previous post the wrong way, then sorry. but i just didn't know what other ways to put it. if the OP do disappear, it's probably b/c they gave up trying to explain to people the entire story b/c either it's just too many details and factors in it to get the entire story across, or its tiring to try to correct everyone if the other people giving responses are assuming the wrong thing. And it definitely could be at the fault of the OP. I say that b/c it may not have that much to do with them being new and being whiny as you say kelly. At least that's the situation in my case.

so thanks again everyone! it seems like majority say that i should just do my own thing without my mother's help. and again, my apologies if anyone took my post the wrong way.

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Nalamienea Posts : 2,924 Registered: 6/13/08
Re: My mother is driving me crazy!!!
Posted: Mar 22, 2009 8:19 PM Go to message in response to: mrssummer09

thank you for coming back Mrs. Summer. I know that for some people who haven't been frequenters of message boards before it's hard to have to consider your words from every aspect that someone could read them to ensure no one gets offended. Stick around, we'll all get to know you and how you write and it'll be all good. :)

I'm not sure if I wrote this before or not, but I've told others. I had to plan my whole wedding on my own because my mom and sister (MOH) were both thousands of miles away. It's not as bad as you think it could be. I relied on my FH a lot for bouncing ideas off of, not like colours and girlie stuff like that, but he was great for the " do you think this would work?" kind of stuff. :)

Best of luck, i hope you get it all sorted out with yoru mom.

 

IMG_7463.jpg picture by sarahandchris2008

10/26/08 

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