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Invited to Wedding or Not?

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BirdLover Posts : 2,835 Registered: 3/30/06
Invited to Wedding or Not?
Posted: Mar 19, 2009 12:19 AM

Just want some opinions about this situation...

I have a friend getting married at the end of April. We're not close friends, and haven't seen each other a ton lately, so I wouldn't automatically expect to be invited to the wedding. However:

  • She sent me a save the date (online, not formal)
  • She mentioned (in person) again about saving the date
  • She has referenced me being at her wedding ( "Wow, you're going to be 8 months pregnant at my wedding! You might be huge!")
  • I was very recently (like within the last two weeks) invited to her bridal shower
  • a few weeks ago (2 maybe) she e-mailed me to verify the correct spelling of my husband's name, and to verify our address.

Based on this...I think I'm not a jerk for assuming I'd be invited to the wedding :P

Now, it's been over a week since other people in my city received their invitations, and I don't have one yet. I know it could still arrive, but I'm wondering....if I don't get one, do I assume that I'm no longer invited? Or do I assume the invite could have been lost in the mail? To avoid embarassment for my friend (in case she had to cut the guest list down for financial reasons) could I have my sister (who is for SURE invited...lol...has her invite) ask her about it?

I live in a building and sometimes our mail gets screwed up, so that could also play a role...

What would you do/think?

Lilypie Expecting a baby Ticker

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CatStandish Posts : 2,767 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Invited to Wedding or Not?
Posted: Mar 19, 2009 12:53 AM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

Eee. Tough one isn't it?

I think I'd give it a week and then maybe ask her if she mailed you an invite. Maybe even say something like "I won't be upset if I'm not invited, but I don't want to not come if I am". I would be more embarassed if someone asked me via third party than directly. And if you let her know you're not trying to get an invite if she didn't--you just want to know what your plans are on that day.

Misty

september_2009
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Nalamienea Posts : 2,930 Registered: 6/13/08
Re: Invited to Wedding or Not?
Posted: Mar 19, 2009 7:38 AM Go to message in response to: CatStandish

Yeah, I like Cat's approach. It really does sound like you're invited, so I think her wording is perfect. "It's okay if you had to cut the list or something, but I wouldn't want to miss it if it's just a mailing mix up!" :)

 

IMG_7463.jpg picture by sarahandchris2008

10/26/08 

virginia , october_2008 , september_2009
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DoesntPlayNice Posts : 809 Registered: 12/17/08
Re: Invited to Wedding or Not?
Posted: Mar 19, 2009 9:20 AM Go to message in response to: Nalamienea

When I sent my invitations a few weeks later I got 4 back in the mail due to them not reading the address properly. I would assume that either A: She misspelled the address or something similar or B: has not sent the inviation yet. Mine sort of got sent out in waves. I sent out the ones I already had the address for as soon as I was done with them. But there were about 5 or 6 that got sent out 2 weeks later because I was still waiting on one person's address. If she already said she sent the invitation or that the address was for the invitation...just give her a call.

Previously Posted as Military Bride.

Back from Iraq and ready to switch out the ACU's for a Wedding Dress!

virginia , may_2009 , october_2008 , texas , september_2009
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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Invited to Wedding or Not?
Posted: Mar 19, 2009 11:21 AM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

Dear BL,

I would talk to her personally, in private.

She sent you a save-the-date. That means an invitation will follow. The invitation has not followed. You know your sister has hers, so yours must be "somewhere".

Based on that, talk to her, privately. It could be they had to cut back on their list. It could be they just cannot afford the wedding they originally planned. Could be your invitation has been lost, or that they are sending them out in bunches as they are addressed.

You won't know unless you ask.

If she tells you that she just can't invite everyone who got a STD, then be polite, nice and wish her the best. She's probably beating herself up over this, anyway, and nothing you could say would make her feel worse about it.

*****

Note to everyone else: This illustrates the folly of save-the-dates. It locks you into a guest list way too early.

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BirdLover Posts : 2,835 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Invited to Wedding or Not?
Posted: Mar 19, 2009 1:02 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Hmm....I thought it would seem a lot worse for me to talk to her personally....like if she can't invite me, but then I ask, she might feel like she "has" to say "Of course you're still invited". Hmmm...

I will wait a bit longer anyway...like others said, maybe she sent the invites out in waves, or it could have got returned to sender, etc.

Note to others: do NOT buy a dress (even a maternity dress on sale!) for a wedding before you have the actual formal invite...

Lilypie Expecting a baby Ticker

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Invited to Wedding or Not?
Posted: Mar 19, 2009 3:07 PM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

Dear BL,

"I thought it would seem a lot worse for me to talk to her personally...."

No. Negative news is best handled face-to-face in private.

What is the option? To tell a third party that even though she sent you a STD, she can't afford to invite you? That involves yet another person in her embarrassment.

Get her alone, somewhere, and nail down an answer. Then, keep it to yourself.

You might also suggest that she tell any other STD-receiving non-invitees that they need no longer "save the date".

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BirdLover Posts : 2,835 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Invited to Wedding or Not?
Posted: Mar 19, 2009 3:34 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Yeah I guess you are right. I just didn't want to come off as one of those people we complain about who ASSUMES that they are invited to a wedding....although in my case, I have good reason to assume, lol!

Lilypie Expecting a baby Ticker

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kensimzadi Posts : 216 Registered: 7/28/08
Re: Invited to Wedding or Not?
Posted: Mar 19, 2009 6:06 PM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

Bird - in all the wedding research I have done for my own, it seems that what brides are supposed to do is if they have not received an rsvp for their wedding, then they are to call/e-mail/smoke-signal or some other way find out from the receipient they have not heard from, whether they plan on attending the wedding. I wouldn't think that they would have such a drastic change of plans just weeks before their wedding that would mean you are all of a sudden no longer invited to it. If you don't feel comfortable in that approach, then I think the way Cat suggested is fine.

virginia , september_2009
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brix24 Posts : 165 Registered: 8/3/08
Re: Invited to Wedding or Not?
Posted: Mar 19, 2009 6:39 PM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

I was one of 'those' people who assumed they were invited to a wedding - my best friend from my high school days. We kept in touch for 20 years (both ending up living in Europe and South America before returning to our home towns)... he brought back a girlfriend from London and the freindship with them both continued.

I ran into them one night at a pub 2 years ago- spotted the ring on her finger and squealed with delight at the news and of course asked all about the wedding and spoke in a way that assumed I would be invited.

When it was a week before the wedding I realised I sure as heck was not invited and to be honest I felt so damn mad and dissappointed. I realised the friendship was basically over - that was the hardest part. He spoke to me shortly before the wedding and he said to pop round to his parents place the day after the wedding to say hi to his folks. I was working that day (cop) so when I rocked on up in my patrol car there was a BBQ party underway. Everyone stared at the cop turning up. I only stayed 10 minutes (was working of course). His folks were delighted to see me, the bride was still glowing (gorgeous to see - she is a lovely lady) but my 'friend' went bright red and it just felt uncomfortable.

I was glad to have popped in to say hi and congrats but I haven't been in touch since.

Looking back I feel like an idiot to assume I was invited but given the depth and length of our friendship I thought I would have been invited. We have not been in touch since and he and his wife are not invited to my wedding. My folks are puzzled as to why I was not invited to his wedding as well.

So please (not to hi-jck the thread) because someone assumes they are invited doesn't make them a bad person.

Back to the OP - I agree with AOTB on what she said. Financially its tough these days and that could have played a part. We are only having 50 at our wedding. Let us know what happens.

  

july_2010
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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Invited to Wedding or Not?
Posted: Mar 19, 2009 8:34 PM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

Dear BL,

" I just didn't want to come off as one of those people we complain about who ASSUMES that they are invited to a wedding"

You're not ASSUMING anything.

You are the proud owner of a genuine, non-counterfeit Save The Date card with her name on it. Why would she ask you to Save The Date if not for the fact you are invited?

If you are not invited, she needs to tell you to go ahead NOT save that date. Plan something else.

Had she not sent out STDs, then you should assume you are not invited, unless (1) you receive and invitation or (2) you get a phone call that says "We have not received your RSVP card yet and are wondering...." .

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BirdLover Posts : 2,835 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Invited to Wedding or Not?
Posted: Mar 20, 2009 12:58 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

I don't know why I feel silly. Maybe it's because the "save the date" was just an e-mail message. Not like a formal card. But really, that shouldn't matter...I HAVE been saving the date because I was told to! (and again told in person - twice!)

I''ll wait maybe another week, just in case she did send invite out in two "waves", or if it did get returned to sender for some reason....totally possible as our condominium mail can get confusing.

Lilypie Expecting a baby Ticker

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FutureMrsDJLeo Posts : 616 Registered: 2/26/09
Re: Invited to Wedding or Not?
Posted: Mar 20, 2009 1:19 PM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

I think there were great approaches suggested on here, but one thing I didn't see, I might have overlooked it, was maybe the invite got lost in the mail? I recieved a Save-The-Date once, and months later I recieved a text message asking if I was coming or not, I replied I didn't get an invite, and for other reasons I don't think I was really even sent an invite, even though she claimed she did (long store, LOL), so I didn't go. But especially if you just recieved an invite to the shower and she talks to you about being at the wedding, hopefully the invite just got lost in the mail, or accidently skipped over. I wish you luck though when you talk to her, I know it can be a hard thing to bring up.

june_2010 , illinois_chicago
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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Invited to Wedding or Not?
Posted: Mar 20, 2009 6:45 PM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

Dear BL,

"Maybe it's because the "save the date" was just an e-mail message. "

So?

Do you think her email return address could have been forged? Spammers have picked up her email address and sent, instead of the usual replica watches and male part enlargers, a bunch of bogus save the date messages?

If you don't get the real invitation in the mail soon, you'll just have to ask her. That will prevent your being considered rude by appearing to ignore a lost-in-the-mail invitation entirely.

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BirdLover Posts : 2,835 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Invited to Wedding or Not?
Posted: Mar 20, 2009 7:01 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

I will take everyone's suggestions and end up talking to her in a week or so if the invite hasn't arrived by then. That will be about a month before the wedding...is that okay timing?

She's a bit of an airhead ( mean that nicely...it's not intentional on her part) so a lot of things are possible in this case :P

I will say, though...if she did change her mind about it, I'd be a little off-put at still receiving an invite to the shower and not the wedding...

Lilypie Expecting a baby Ticker

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