Need some advice..Military Sister

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Guest
Need some advice..Military Sister
Posted: Mar 13, 2009 6:01 PM

Ok Ladies,
I need some advice as well as to vent...
I have 2 brothers and both are in the military currently over in Iraq. They are my ENTIRE WORLD. We are VERY close, email everyday. I am worrying myself sick that they wont be able to get leave at the same time for my wedding. The original date was supposed to be April next year, but my older brother who is in the Army informed me that he just found out that he has to do another tour next year. He is currently doing 15 months which will end this July. But he is re-enlisting and they told him if he re-enlists, he will get sent back next year by spring. So I had to push back my wedding another year. I cant keep pushing back my wedding. My fiance is upset (not mad) he understands that my brothers are my everything (as is he) and I cant get married without my boys there. They are walking me down the isle. I have been waiting to marry my fiance forever. We finally get engaged and im SIKED. but I have been sick to my stomach for over a month trying to find a way to get married and have my brothers there. They both informed me that they can put in the request to get off for the wedding, but its not guaranteed that they will get approved. The likelyhood of both of them getting approved and actually being able to come to the wedding is pretty slim. The government pretty much tells them when they can leave. and if they are doing a tour, forget it. They cant get leave. My lil brother is in the Marines currently on a MEU (marine expeditionary unit- an expeditionary quick reaction force, deployed and ready for immediate response to any crisis) and got called to Iraq in the middle of his tour. I am TERRIFIED that they wont be able to make it. They keep reassuring me that they will do everything they can to be there, but its not guaranteed. UGH PLEASE some calming

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Need some advice..Military Sister
Posted: Mar 13, 2009 6:19 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Dear Mrs Cox,

"The likelyhood of both of them getting approved and actually being able to come to the wedding is pretty slim."

Yep.

I think you've got some hard choices here. Do you want your chance of getting married at all to be "pretty slim"? Do you think your FH can wait until such time as both brothers are home?

No one can tell you what to do. Only you and FH can decide, between the two of you, how many more times you will push back the wedding to accomodate not one but two military deployments.

There are alternatives, such as webcasting your wedding so your brothers can watch the event as it unfolds. You could also webcast them, so the wedding guests could see each brother on a monitor in the ceremony venue in real time.

There are some who might suggest you get married now at the courthouse, then have a wedding-like vow renewal sometime in the future when both brothers are home. I very much dislike wedding-like vow renewals, as they appear to say "I did not get what I wanted the first time, so now it's do-over time. I'm entitled.".

You could have a glorious Welcome Home party for each or both brothers when they are home. You would be already married, by then. You could pause the party for someone in some authority (older family member?) to "officially" ask each brother if he consents to his sister's existing marriage. That way each brother could "give you away" after the fact, without having to go through the charade of a fake do-over wedding.

Being grown up enough to get married means you make a few hard choices. Gosh, I wish I could be more comforting, but I'm trying to level with you.

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Need some advice..Military Sister
Posted: Mar 13, 2009 6:29 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

I know you want someone to tell you that it'll be Ok, but I think you need to be realistic. If they're deployed, there's no way they'll be able to get leave for your wedding. You can keep postponing until you know that they'll both be able to make it - but honestly, with TWO of them, that might take years, especially if they both intend to stay in for a while.

Instead of worrying about it, I'd focus on coming up with a good Plan B. While this isn't ideal, I know a lot of couples have their weddings webcast for relatives that are in the military or far away. I know you'd prefer to have them there, but if they're unable to make it on your scheduled day, that's a good way for them to be able to share your wedding from afar. Perhaps you could make time immediately after the ceremony to call them and talk for a few minutes, if their schedules allow it. I'm sure they'd love that.

Here's what I'd do, though. Your brothers being there is the most important thing to you, right? More important than having the dream venue, a bunch of guests, or 'perfect' anything? In that case, coordinate with them and find out when they can both get leave. Most likely, you'll get very little notice - but it honestly doesn't take that long to plan a basic wedding. You can pull SOMETHING together with a month's notice from your brothers. Buy your dress in advance, WP's clothing, and any decorations that you want. Once you hear from your brothers, find a venue as quickly as possible. You can't be too specific with little notice, but on the other hand, you may find a great deal on a venue that hasn't been booked yet. I'd look for a private room at a restaurant, as they don't generally require as much notice as traditional wedding halls. Send out invitations to close family and friends and have a small wedding. Don't worry about the details, since they're not as important as your brothers' presence.

Honestly, I don't think there's any way that you can set a date a year or two in advance and both brothers will be able to make it. If you really want them there, your best bet is to get married when they CAN make it. You might have to sacrifice some of your dreams to plan a wedding with short notice, but it can be done. People do it all the time. The key is to figure out your priority. If your #1 priority is having your brothers there, this is your best bet.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Need some advice..Military Sister
Posted: Mar 13, 2009 6:43 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

The PP's all have given good and honest advice. If you can find any time when your brothers can be together and get leave, then of course you want them there. But, if you can't coordinate that within a reasonable time, then the webcast is your best alternative. If you don't want them to miss an all-out celebration, then keep the wedding small--immediate family and close friends. When they are assured of coming home, then have a blast of a welcome home party for them and celebrate your anniversary with them (you even could show a video of the wedding). Although your brothers are very, very important to you, your FH and your marriage need to be the top priority.
myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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sjhc132 Posts : 164 Registered: 3/18/08
Re: Need some advice..Military Sister
Posted: Mar 13, 2009 7:02 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

as usual artbride and AOTB gave some awesome advice...i actually like the idea of doing a wedcast:) and if u did it that way maybe when the officiant asks who gives this bride to be married both your brothers could answer over the webcast:) i like arts idea of doing it within a short time frame though too...u might have better luck of getting one home for r&r vs both and if one is in what i refer to down time...(time when they arent deployed or away for training exercises) then u could schedule to have it sometime during the other ones r&r...they are getting a little better in being able to scedule or request when they actually can go on r&r (at least from what i heard about the army) your brother that is in the marines might be a little more tricker so i would try to plan it while hes in his down time...im sorry if this post didnt make much sense but i hope it helps if u can get what im trying to say...god bless and congrats!!!!

 

i was meant for him and he was meant for me :)

 

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Guest
Re: Need some advice..Military Sister
Posted: Mar 14, 2009 12:57 PM Go to message in response to: sjhc132

thanks ladies, youve made some great points. next time i hear from the boys, ill bring up our options and see what we can work out. ill keep you updated!
again thanks.

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FMrsJG Posts : 77 Registered: 2/21/08
Re: Need some advice..Military Sister
Posted: Mar 14, 2009 1:28 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

MrsCox2B:

I understand your situation. my fiance is actually in the military and they have a habit of sending him over during the summer time...whelp, we want a summer wedding. Its a fear of mine that he wont be here, but all they can do is try. Have them talk to a higher up person (my fiance's is a flight chief, i have no clue what it is for a marine) but have them talk to him. Sometimes they are able to tweek things...but then again most of the time they aren't. But i say, as long as they are doing everything in their power (and i'm sure they are) there's really nothing you can do. I know it will mean the world to you to have them there....but then again you can't keep putting your wedding on hold. As the other ladies suggested, do a webcast (but then again who says they can even watch that...) or have a videographer do the wedding and send it to them in a care package, along with favors (if possible)...kinda like a "wedding package' as if they were really attending/involved. If they can't be there, know that they have done everything in their power to be there for your day...and they'll know that you really wanted them to be there. They might not be there in person, but no matter what they will be there in spirits on your day!

I'll keep ya in my prayers and hopes that they'll be able to be there for you on your day :)

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ThePhotoBride Posts : 48 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: Need some advice..Military Sister
Posted: Mar 14, 2009 9:13 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

Ok, so Army brother comes home in July. When does Marine brother come home? If they're both here in the states in late 2009, why not have a fall or winter wedding this year? Knowing that your Army brother is coming home in July and his next possible deployment wouldn't be until next spring, you know you have a window of opportunity for the last half of this year. It's only March...you should have enough time to plan for a late '09 wedding.

When they submit their leave, make sure they indicate that they are taking leave for their sister's wedding. The military might be strict but they're not all that heartless. If they emphasize the importance of why they want to take leave, they'll probably get it. Besides, when they get home from deployment they HAVE to be given leave.

Good luck...keep us updated. We are in the same boat with my husband's brother. He's in the Navy and we're planning for a June 2010 wedding, but anything could happen between now and then. His bro could get orders to deploy. Not to mention, my husband has to make sure his leave gets approved for his own wedding. :-P We just have to hope for the best.

Edited by: ThePhotoBride on Mar 14, 2009 9:14 PM

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MrsRicecake Posts : 700 Registered: 2/2/08
Re: Need some advice..Military Sister
Posted: Mar 15, 2009 5:02 PM Go to message in response to: Guest

My husband, brother and SIL are all Marines. I totally understand your worries. You just have to find out when they will be home and plan your wedding for then. My brother is also going on a MEU in September, my sister is getting married in October. They are really really close, unfortunatley he wont be able to be there. It will feel weird but you just have to decide what is more important...getting married to the man you love without out your brothers, or getting married with you brothers there.

Married Since December 27, 2008!

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Guest
Re: Need some advice..Military Sister
Posted: Mar 16, 2009 7:53 PM Go to message in response to: MrsRicecake

ok ladies. got an update..
my brothers bothed talked to their higher ups, lucky for me, they have good relationships with their bosses. They both told my brothers to put in the request as soon as we pick an exact date and they will approve it. if they are deployed, they said they will work it out to where they can take their leave anyway given the occasion. Older brother is in the Army and his tour is done in July but he deploys again next year. (so they say) Lil Bro just left in January and isnt due back until the end of the year maybe late fall. Since we pushed the wedding back until 2011 it gives us time and them time to get things together. since its a destination wedding we felt rushed with all the "must do nows" so hopefully with God answering my prayers, everything looks like it will work out. =)!
thanks ladies for the great advice!

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