FFIL just bailed on rehearsal dinner

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CountryPrincess Posts : 673 Registered: 9/25/08
FFIL just bailed on rehearsal dinner
Posted: Mar 11, 2009 12:05 AM

This is basically a rant with advice needed.

I will try so hard to keep this post short. But I have A LOT of built up anger towards FFIL. He is 45 and recently lost custody of my 12 year old FSIL. FHs grandparents now have custody of her. He has always been more like a good friend to FH instead of a father, and even FH will admit it.

FFIL calls me a few nights ago and asks if FH & I are taking FSIL to the circus. I said yes. He asked what night so he could go. I told him I wasn't going to tell him that because the courts said he can only have time with FSIL if the grandparents give permission. The grandparents know when we're going so he can ask them and if they want to tell him, they will. He started getting upset and I told him I wasn't going to get in the middle of it. He was like, "Yeah I guess that's smart. Okay. Thanks. Bye."

Well FFIL calls me tonight and says he's not paying for our rehearsal dinner anymore. I asked why and he said he didn't want to discuss it. I asked if it was because of money. He said no because he already has the money. That was all he would tell me. So I called FH at work and he called FFIL. FFIL just yelled at him and told him the same thing he told me. So now what the hell do I do? I'm pretty ticked. When FH & I first got engaged FFIL said that he'd saved up $1,500 and was going to try to save another $1,000 thus giving us $2,500 for the wedding. FFIL said he wanted to cook a big rehearsal dinner for all our out of town guests & the WP. Then he realized that was like 60 people and decided he'd pay to have it catered. He was asking us stuff like food preferances, the date, etc... and told us he was planning on spending between $500 and $700 on it. Then he'd give us the rest of the money towards our honeymoon. (Thankfully I didn't plan anything since he never actually gave us any money). FFIL knows that my family is contributing a lot. He knows that my grandmother is paying my college tuition and paying $600-1,000 for my cinderella carriage at the wedding. He knows my mom is making my viel and that my aunt, step mom, and mom are helping with the decorations. HOWEVER he still had the nerve to tell FH to have "his rich fiance's family pay for it." For the record, my family is not rich. They just invest their money wisely and went to grad school to get better jobs. THEN he tells FH that if we'll help him see FSIL behind the grandparents backs then he'll pay for the rehearsal dinner again.

I'm obviously not going to help him see FSIL behind the grandparents backs. But I'm just so pissed off. FFIL's ONLY wedding responsibility was the rehearsal dinner which he voluntarily took on. Then he backs out because I won't lie and sneak around. He also says he won't give us any money towards the honeymoon...which I honestly didn't think we'd ever see anyway.

So now I need suggestions on how to have a rehearsal dinner for the WP and out of town guests which will be about 50-60 people total. I'm thinking of having a local restaraunt caterer it and make it like a backyard BBQ and just cram 50-60 people in my house. Or just have it be for the WP and not the out of town guests...but is that rude?

Also, what do I do about FFIL wanting us to help him see FSIL without telling FHs grandparents? Does FH (not me) tell his grandparents? Or should he/we just stay out of it?


Ugh. Annoyed.


"I don't care how much it hurts. I don't care if its a brick wall disaster. I'd rather fight with you everday than be happy for one second with anyone else." <3

Kevin & Mari: 11/09/06 to Forever.

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manderz421 Posts : 17 Registered: 2/7/09
Re: FFIL just bailed on rehearsal dinner
Posted: Mar 11, 2009 12:21 AM Go to message in response to: CountryPrincess

I think that is soo crappy and childish that a grown man is doing something like that out of spite. I would definitely let the grandparents know what is going on, but try to avoid talking to FFIL. I'm assuming since he lost custody of his daughter that something is not good, so my advice is to try to make the next few months fun for FSIL, since she is young and may need someone to talk to. As for the rehearsal dinner, you don't have to make any decisions soon so I would try to save up some money for a dinner out for 50-60 guests like you said. I'm sure your family will see you are in a predicament (sp?) and if they can afford to help out more, probably will. If there is no way to get extra money, definitely do a backyard BBQ thing. People will understand you're young and don't have a ton of money. Depending on how well you know your out of town guests and if you see them often, it may be rude not to invite them. Just be sure backyard bbq rehearsal dinner doesn't clash with your wedding .. I don't know how formal your wedding is going to be. Good luck!

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sjhc132 Posts : 164 Registered: 3/18/08
Re: FFIL just bailed on rehearsal dinner
Posted: Mar 11, 2009 12:33 AM Go to message in response to: CountryPrincess

kjsgirl...i am so sorry that this is happening....we didnt have a whole lot of money either for our reheresal dinner...but maybe since your wedding is going to be happening im guess memorial weekend maybe a backyard bbq with hamburgers/hot dogs/brats will make an awesome back yard party...i dont hink that would be all too expensive...we did a pizza/salad and soup dinner for mine...i was working at dominos at the time so i got a killer discount...we probably had maybe roughly around 40 guests and it didnt cost i think over 200 for the whole thing...u have quite sometime before your wedding so i trust u guys will figure out something awesome to do:) as far as the thing involving ur fsil i would stand my ground and try to stay out of the situation and if he keeps pushing it i would sit down with your fh and the grandparents and definately let them know what is going on behind close doors...i do hope the best for you guys though

 

i was meant for him and he was meant for me :)

 

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: FFIL just bailed on rehearsal dinner
Posted: Mar 11, 2009 12:54 AM Go to message in response to: CountryPrincess

Dear KJ,

I'm going to offer you some specific advice. Remember, I'm 54 years old and have seen this kind of thing in the past.

First.

FFIL has just lost custody of his daughter. This is not an easy thing to do. There must be something really really wrong for a parent to lose custody of a child to grandparents. This loss of custody is, most likely, the first thing on FFIL's mind, and wedding financing for a wedding next year is the last thing he wants to worry about. Not just "last". "DEAD last."

Your action plan: Forget about any money coming from FFIL for anything associated with your wedding. Plan on exactly $0 from him.

Second.

Don't pay any attention to this "rich fiancée parents" crap. This is just part of his lashing out. Again, if things are so unstable that he would lose custody of his own daughter, he's going to lash out. I would absolutely totally ignore anything like that. (See first point. Don't count on any money from him.)

Your action plan: Ignore the trash talk. It's coming from an unstable, emotional source.

Third.

All dealings with such an unstable FFIL should be between father and son. YOU stay out of it. If anything needs to be said to FFIL, let his son do that saying, in private, without you anywhere around.

Your action plan: You and your FH need to come to a private agreement, then FH takes the discussion to his father.

Fourth.

The custody arrangements between the little girl and her father and grandparents are not your, nor FH's, business. Do not go behind anyone's back. If a judge in a family court has looked at all the evidence and has granted custody to the grandparents, then you must respect that decision. It is not up to you, nor FH, to second-guess the judge. It would be incredibly stupid to disrespect the grandparents, as well. You risk FH losing any contact with his own sister. This child needs a strong, steady older brother as she makes her way through the teenaged years.

FFIL can hire a lawyer (thus possibly using up "your" -ha ha- money) and fight the custody order.

Your action plan: Stay out of it and stay neutral.

There is nothing you can do to "fix" the situation. All you can do is protect yourself. Figure out your own rehearsal dinner. Let FH deal with his father. Keep out of the custody dispute.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: FFIL just bailed on rehearsal dinner
Posted: Mar 11, 2009 1:01 AM Go to message in response to: CountryPrincess

Dear KJ,

" Or just have it be for the WP and not the out of town guests...but is that rude?"

Oops, with all the other drama, I missed that part.

Good news: It is not at all rude to not invite out of town guests to a rehearsal dinner. It's totally OK to just invite the WP.

You rehearse the wedding, then take rehearsal participants to share a meal and fun together. That's the minimum. You should invite any spouses or SOs of the participants, as it is polite to invite committed couples to a coed social event together. (Married, engaged, living together. I always include committed same-sex couples who do not have the legal option of marriage.)

You need to include at least one parent of any WP children, as young kids should not be out without parental supervision.

That's pretty much the basic standard.

You can add others as your budget and inclination allow. Seriously, do not worry about the OOT guests. They can fend for themselves.

Another option... Is there anyone with deep-ish pockets who says "If there is anything I can do, let me know." ? If so, consider asking that person to host a casual cocktail or pizza party for the OOT folks during the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner. A friend of my mother's did that for my own OOT guests, as we had only the immediate WP at our dinner.

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CountryPrincess Posts : 673 Registered: 9/25/08
Re: FFIL just bailed on rehearsal dinner
Posted: Mar 11, 2009 1:27 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Thanks everyone! AOTB you, as usual, gave some excellent advice.

FFIL lost custody of FSIL because he's incompetent. Honestly, nobody was suprirsed by the verdict becaues FSIL has been living with her grandparents since she was 3 years old and her mom died. FH says that they both grew up with their grandparents as parents. FFIL was always gone for long periods of time and would often end up in jail. He smokes pot, drinks constantly, gets in a car accident at least once a month, and really should be locked up in prison but has somehow managed to always squeeze by. About a year ago FFIL just up and left the house (where FSIL, grandparents, and FH were living) and disappeared for like 3 months. He's just a deadbeat. I have learned a lot from the women on these boards, especially when to butt out! I know that FH deals with his family and I deal with mine. I just wasn't sure if FH should tell his grandparents that FFIL is trying to see FSIL behind their backs. I woudl want to know if I was a parent. FH doesn't know either.

I never expected to see a dime from FFIL when he promised all that money. I understand our wedding isn't a total priority but truthfully, he should've known he was going to lose his daughter. The grandparents have been threatening to take her for years. They finally did when FFIL refused to put health insurance on her and the grandparents couldn't afford to keep paying her asthma medicine out of pocket. That's besides the point really. I'm just rambling now.

I'm more upset with the fact that he's trying to in a sense, blackmail us. "Help me see my daughter and I'll host your rehearsal dinner like I already promised." And the fact that I now (even though its a year away) have to figure it out.

Thanks again everyone for the advice.

Ugh..my posts are always so long.

"I don't care how much it hurts. I don't care if its a brick wall disaster. I'd rather fight with you everday than be happy for one second with anyone else." <3

Kevin & Mari: 11/09/06 to Forever.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: FFIL just bailed on rehearsal dinner
Posted: Mar 11, 2009 11:03 AM Go to message in response to: CountryPrincess

Dear KJ,

"I'm more upset with the fact that he's trying to in a sense, blackmail us. "Help me see my daughter and I'll host your rehearsal dinner like I already promised." And the fact that I now (even though its a year away) have to figure it out."

Yeah, he's blackmailing you. That's all he's got. Blackmail. And, guess what, let's say you figure out a way to help him see his daughter. What do you think the chances are that this pot-smoking, accident-causing drunk will come up with the rehearsal dinner money? Zero.

(Where is this poor child's mother? Dare I ask?)

What a mess. You are well advised to stay way away from him.

I do hope you are able to reach out to the young lady. She will need someone like you to love her and guide her to adulthood.

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TheNewMrsJ Posts : 754 Registered: 1/6/08
Re: FFIL just bailed on rehearsal dinner
Posted: Mar 11, 2009 12:27 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Aunt-

To answer your question about the mother, it was in her last post:

"Honestly, nobody was suprirsed by the verdict becaues FSIL has been
living with her grandparents since she was 3 years old and her mom died."

Friends since December 1997, together since December 2006
September 13, 2008 I legally became his and he became mine.

MovieBits - your source for reviews, news and more!
www.moviebits.blogspot.com

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CountryPrincess Posts : 673 Registered: 9/25/08
Re: FFIL just bailed on rehearsal dinner
Posted: Mar 11, 2009 2:23 PM Go to message in response to: TheNewMrsJ

MrsJ is right. FH & FSIL's mom died of breast cancer.

I am very close to FSIL. We do stuff together all the time. I can relate to have a dysfunctional family and remember how scary that was growing up. So FH & I both try to be there for her as much as possible. We also help their grandparents out a lot too. We'll pick up FSIL from school, accompany his grandma to the doctor's, etc... Just thought I would mention that because people keep saying to be there for FSIL and I wanted everyone to know that I'm trying my best to do that.

Thanks again for the advice everyone.

"I don't care how much it hurts. I don't care if its a brick wall disaster. I'd rather fight with you everday than be happy for one second with anyone else." <3

Kevin & Mari: 11/09/06 to Forever.

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HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,298 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: FFIL just bailed on rehearsal dinner
Posted: Mar 11, 2009 5:19 PM Go to message in response to: CountryPrincess

I agree with everything Aunt said. Good advice.

Yes, I think your FH should give the grandparents a heads-up. I'm sure they could guess that FFIL would pull a move like that and there's nothing to be done about it. But at least they'll have all the information. And it sounds like they'll probably be in your corner about it, anyway. If I were the grandma I would want to know that my son was trying to manipulate my grandson.

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CountryPrincess Posts : 673 Registered: 9/25/08
Re: FFIL just bailed on rehearsal dinner
Posted: Mar 11, 2009 5:49 PM Go to message in response to: HappyGirl13

Thanks HappyGirl. We're going over there for dinner tomorrow night so I'll have FH talk to them then.

"I don't care how much it hurts. I don't care if its a brick wall disaster. I'd rather fight with you everday than be happy for one second with anyone else." <3

Kevin & Mari: 11/09/06 to Forever.

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Autumnalis2010 Posts : 133 Registered: 1/12/09
Re: FFIL just bailed on rehearsal dinner
Posted: Mar 11, 2009 6:23 PM Go to message in response to: CountryPrincess

KJ--Aunt gave you some great advice and I pretty much agree with every word she said. I'm just sorry that you all have to deal with someone so childish. Really, it's sad. Thankfully you are smart enough to not rely on your FFIL giving you money, even though he told you he would. I definitely agree that it's FH's call about whether or not to tell the grandparents, but if I were him I would let them know. I wouldn't say anything if FFIL hadn't come to you guys directly, but since he has I think they should know about it for your FSIL's well-being. That way it's out of your hands, because it really isn't your responsibilty in the first place. If I were you I would just stay out of it the best you can. It is really great though that you are able to be there for your FSIL, I'm sure that means a lot to her.

This is how it works: You peer inside yourself, you take the things you like and try to love the things you took. And then you take that love you made and stick it into someone else's heart, pumping someone else's blood.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: FFIL just bailed on rehearsal dinner
Posted: Mar 11, 2009 6:56 PM Go to message in response to: TheNewMrsJ

Dear Mrs J,

Oops. I missed the part of the young lady's mother's death. Good catch.

(pulling foot out of mouth)

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