Breakdown

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chicochik Posts : 236 Registered: 10/16/08
Breakdown
Posted: Feb 26, 2009 12:29 PM

***LONG***
I am just going to put it out there that I am very sensitive right now. I'm not looking for life changin advice, just listen. I know that posting online can lead to some unwated responses there are also some amazingy insightful and wonderful ladies on here as well.

This point in my life is very stressful with midterms, working more, family drama and so on. I have a bad history which includes being sexually molested and raped by my grandfather and stepfather. Those years are far behind me, and I have healed alot but from those times in my life I developed unhealthy ways of dealing with stress. I have overdosed on painkillers a couple of times and I cut myself.

Fast forward to this point in my life. Stress, stress stress. As well I decided to go to Herbal Magic to look at a weight loss program but it was insanely expensive, so I did not join. When I came home, my FH and I started talking about it. He is beyond frustrated because I hate myself and how I look. He says that it hurts him to hear me always talk about it, yet never do anything about it. I am making a small effort with fitness classes, but other stress in my life is making meal planning way too hard. I told him that he can't help me, as much as he wants to because I need to lose wieght on my own. Maybe in the short run it helps when he points out that maybe I shouldn't have that ice cream, but I feel like he is judging me and that I have to eat in private. After an hour of discussing my confidence level and both of us frustrated, I asked him to stop. I told him I can't handle andymore conversation, I beggged him to stop. I needed to study, I needed a break.

He said that we need to talk about it, that we need to resolve the problem. I don't need every problem to be solved, sometimes I just need to be loved and listened to. At this point, I broke. I stormed off and went and had a bath, where I proceded to cut myself. It was awful, I hadn't done that in many years. I was trying to say that I'm not ok, that this is bigger than being 30lbs overweight, that school is the hardest thing I've ever done, I was trying to say that I need help.

FH came into the bathroom and flipped, which I understand because I was bleeding. Then I felt bad for putting him in this situation and feeling like an asshole. The people I love usually don't handle this well, my own mother could not handle my self-harm. I was half expecting him to just say all the magic words and make me feel so much better. Of course, he didn't, he couldn't knwo what to say, I didn't even know what I needed to hear. By the end of the night, things calmed down and I'm ok, but at the same time, I'm still not ok.

-Laura
P.S- it felt amazing to write this out, that alone helped, my words are clearer. I may print this off for FH to read.

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: Breakdown
Posted: Feb 26, 2009 1:28 PM Go to message in response to: chicochik

I think you need the help of a good, qualified counselor. I am going to go ahead and assume you've sought counseling before as treatment for the molestation, but my guess is that you're not in counseling now, and I believe that you need to seek it again.

You can't do it alone, no matter how hard you may want to. The cutting is a symptom of a much a deeper issue resurfacing, and that issue needs to be treated, preferably by a neutral person in a controlled setting. It sounds like you're feeling incredibly stressed out, and going back to old habits -- the old stuff you once did to help you get though it, but this will end badly if you don't stop NOW.

A lot of people think that counseling or therapy is something you do once and then you're "fixed" but I think of it more as a tool that you take out and use when you need it, and you need it.

I wish you the best of luck.


__________________________________________

"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Breakdown
Posted: Feb 26, 2009 1:38 PM Go to message in response to: MsDenuninani

I second MrsD's post 150%.

Also, with the eating and meal planning - that is something he could help you with, instead of pointing things out after the fact.

But there are MUCH larger issues here. Please, please, please find a good therapist.

 

 

 

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BrighterThanSun... Posts : 853 Registered: 10/17/08
Re: Breakdown
Posted: Feb 26, 2009 1:56 PM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

Chik,

You are always so cute and witty in your posts in the Young Brides forum. I knew of your history but was completely unaware of how you were at the present time. Like everybody said, a good qualified therapist will be able to help you. I know that sometimes seeking therapy feels like it should be a last resort, but if it is done at the beginning it can solve so many problems. Personally I haven't been to therapy myself but I know so many people that it has helped. I also don't know your feelings about medication, but I know a lot of people who have been prescribed great medication from psychiatrists that have helped in their depression, anxiety, etc. I am glad that writing it out made you feel a bit better and it was able to clear your thought process. I find that when I need to tell somebody, I write letters to them that I never send. It really makes me feel better. I have dissolved many stresses through letter writing. Your therapist may even have you do that.
About FH, I understand that you want him to say something meaningful that will make it all better, but I think that you are at a point where no simple phrase or diatribe of his love for you will make it better...it's past that.
I also used to be overweight, and I understand the feeling of being ashamed and judged when eating something unhealthy. FH and I used to discuss what we ate and I always felt like if I left out the half dozen of chocolate chip cookies or the big bowl of icecream that I would turn into a massive sundae, it was like I didn't eat it...because he didn't know about it. For some reason, eating it secretly was like it never happened.
In the summer, when you are not so busy with school work, maybe seek some nutritional help. Your therapist may even be able to help you with that. Also, if you have any particularly healthy friends, seek their advice when it comes to food. I find that eating smaller meals throughout the idea keeps me feeling like I'm snacking and doesn't deprive me of food. Also, I like to try and find low calorie favourites to substitute for the fatty side orders I once had. Ex: I am in love with balsamic vinegar. If I have greens with balsamic vinegar and maybe some feta on the side of my plate, I don't mind that there is no mashed potatoes with extra butter! After a while, stress chowing down a bowl of low fat favourite flavoured yogurt will feel like you are eating that same bowl of icecream you once were, however you will feel a lot better about yourself afterwards. Also, you can't eat it if it's not in your house. When you go to the grocery store, try to stick to the outside where there is the fresh vegetables and fruits and meats, bread, milk, eggs, etc. Most of the bad stuff is found in those aisles. Also, shop with a list. Didn't write icecream down? Well then you can't get it. You just have to get into the right mind set. Sorry, that this is so long, I just remember when I felt horrible about being overweight too...and those were some of the things I did. Also, when I was stressed...I ran. I ran like hell. I pounded the pavement with my feet. It is so cathartic. Find some physical activity that you love to do, whether it be walking, running, elipticals, basksetball, soccer, swimming...and try to fit it into your schedule. As important as school is, so is your health.

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mrspinky Posts : 3,773 Registered: 3/14/08
Re: Breakdown
Posted: Feb 26, 2009 6:40 PM Go to message in response to: chicochik

I just want to say I know EXACTLY how you feel. I was a cutter for a really really long time and the people I really wanted to make it better just never understood. I know what worked for me won't work for everyone but I'd really like you to know that although I don't know you personally, I really care about you and I'm hear for you if you need someone to talk to about all this. I've turned into a more postive person since my past and really would like to help you remember the things that are positive and great in your life. We can talk through some things that are upsetting you if you'd like. Please just take a chance. If you don't want to or can't talk to me, talk to someone. Just know you're not so alone girl. hugs BIG BIG hugs

Mrs. Pinky

Keyholder of the TP Cabinet of P.O.O.P.

Our Wedding Website 

 

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chicochik Posts : 236 Registered: 10/16/08
Re: Breakdown
Posted: Feb 26, 2009 7:22 PM Go to message in response to: mrspinky

You know what you girls bring me: relief.

I am very relieved. Mostly about the part that FH doesn'y have to "fix" it. I was scared that its some sign, because if your FH can't help you when you are hurting, who can? You made me realize that a professional can. He is just human, he doesn't know the right things to say, and I can't expect him to.

I called my old consellor today. She was my high school guidance counsellor and helped me through everything. I have a meeting with her next friday.

Mrs Pinky- what you said really means alot to me. I would love to talk to you more, perhaps in a p.m?

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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Breakdown
Posted: Feb 26, 2009 7:26 PM Go to message in response to: chicochik

Hi Chicochick.

I'm worried for you girl! Please do consider visiting a counsellor. I know, they can sometimes be expensive, but this is a serious health matter -- and your peace of mind IS worth it!

Guys are also fixers. They think they should be able to fix problems, and don't really understand that sometimes we just need someone to vent to. Sometimes, we just need to talk about things and we don't expect them to be fixed. We just want to know we can tell them things. They SO do not get that. They think that if we tell them something, we're asking them to make it better. (If I tell you the roof is leaking, I expect you to remedy it by either climbing on the roof or calling a roofer. If I tell you I am having a seasonal, unexplained depression, I just expect you to hug me.)

There are things he can do. He can help you by taking over meal planning -- and since he knows you're trying to lose weight, then he can research easy to fix, low cal meals. And try to find 'matching' types so that you can recycle the leftovers into another meal. (I like to get ground beef or ground turkey and brown it all, then split it up and use it for several different meals. Like taco night, spaghetti night, sloppy joes. Basic main: ground beef/turkey. Can be made ahead in bulk. Menu centers around that.) Since he's a fixer and he needs something to do to help, assign him meal planning. It IS stressful. And that will help some.

He seems to want to be supportive, and I can understand him freaking out over you cutting, because I can guarantee the first thought in his mind was that he drove you to do that.

Good luck. And hugs.


Misty

Visit our Wedding Website

C.A.T., P.O.O.P.

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mrspinky Posts : 3,773 Registered: 3/14/08
Re: Breakdown
Posted: Feb 27, 2009 11:20 AM Go to message in response to: chicochik

chic - I'll send you a pm now with my info.

Mrs. Pinky

Keyholder of the TP Cabinet of P.O.O.P.

Our Wedding Website 

 

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chicochik Posts : 236 Registered: 10/16/08
Re: Breakdown
Posted: Feb 27, 2009 11:58 AM Go to message in response to: mrspinky

Thank you again for your wisdom and kind words. I let my FH read this and he said now he finally understand why I love brides.com so much. He said some of you said the things he means from his heart, he just couldn't get them out into words.

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Breakdown
Posted: Feb 27, 2009 12:05 PM Go to message in response to: chicochik

I'm really glad you are meeting with your old counselor. That sounds like a huge step in the right direction.

And I just wanted to add, that often DH wants to 'fix' things for me. And I tell him you can't but you can support me getting through it. There too often is NO magic bullet, etc.

All you can ask is for him to be there and support you - which it sounds like he is doing.

Best wishes.

 

 

 

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Franko Posts : 128 Registered: 11/15/08
Re: Breakdown
Posted: Feb 27, 2009 1:43 PM Go to message in response to: chicochik

I must say I feel very soory for what happened in your childhood. Those painful traumas never go away even if you deny it. Probably all your life is still unconucouslly turning around those memories. How can some people be such animals.

Girl you are very cute, dont give up, you have to find a good therapist, maybe do meditation, try to find some help, and dont go to drug pushers, you need to spill out all your pain to somebdy who will listen to you.

I wish you all the best in the worls, the things that you had to go through must have been horrific. You will have bad days, but after bad days a good day will always come, remember that.

My advice is to find some support group, threrapist that will help you in non intrusive way. Trust me you will feel better

 

I bought our rings @

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Rose217 Posts : 474 Registered: 8/9/08
Re: Breakdown
Posted: Feb 27, 2009 3:01 PM Go to message in response to: chicochik

HUG

I'm glad things are a little better since your original post. Good luck hon.

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Breakdown
Posted: Feb 27, 2009 8:10 PM Go to message in response to: chicochik

As the OP's have recommended, you most certainly should seek therapy. It's great that you reached out to your school guidance counselor, and I'm certain that she will be a great friend to you. But, you should seek the help of a psychiatrist (I'm the wife of a psychiatrist). The difference between a "counselor" and a psychiatrist is that a psychiatrist is an MD and can, therefore, prescribe medication. Research has shown that a combination of talking therapy (counseling) and medication is the best (and fastest) way to relief for the kinds of problems that you're experiencing. You have experienced a great deal of trauma in your life, and you certainly deserve to have the best support system that you can find. A good therapist also will bring in your FH, so he will learn how he can support you (and how he can't). If you have health insurance or counseling services through your school, that would be a good place to start. If you have private health insurance, it should cover mental health services. Good luck in your quest to heal yourself.
myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: Breakdown
Posted: Feb 27, 2009 9:18 PM Go to message in response to: chicochik

that is awful! I am sorry. But I really think you should go to therapy. they can make you feel better. Also, I know you didn't want to talk to your FH when he wanted to, but communication is good. Maybe instead of storming off maybe you could have told him that you will talk about it after your bath. He is just concerned about you and wants the best for you. If you feel insecure then why not join a gym and have FH come along. But I really think you should talk to a professional and get the help that you need. I am sure you and FH wouldn't want you to have another breakdown.
                              

 

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audra2013 Posts : 145 Registered: 6/18/08
Re: Breakdown
Posted: Feb 28, 2009 1:20 AM Go to message in response to: CheetahAngel

Oh Laura I had no idea this was going on! I knew about the past stuff but not about how much it was affecting you now. If you need to talk at all you can always facebook me. Or go ahead and jump in our forum, our petty wedding questions can wait girl! Anything you need, even if its just for someone to shut up and listen, I'm here for ya <3




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