planning a family

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bella24 Posts : 24 Registered: 9/28/08
planning a family
Posted: Feb 19, 2009 9:59 PM

Hey ladies.. I'm 22 years old I recently got engage four month's ago.. I'm getting married marry 2010.. me and my fiance are financially very stable. i know there is lot of factors to consider before u start planning a baby.. and i would like to get pregnant at 25.. After marriage how long would u brides to be like to wait to start a family?...

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TheNewMrsJ Posts : 754 Registered: 1/6/08
Re: planning a family
Posted: Feb 20, 2009 12:06 AM Go to message in response to: bella24

Honestly, you can't plan it by age as there's no way of knowing how things will be in a few years from now.

I had planned on being done with college before I was 22, married by 24 and kids by 27. The plan was DH would his school last semester, get promoted to fulltime at his job in early 2009, we'd have a house by the end of the end of year and our cars paid off and start making babies soon after we had the house.

Reality... let's see, I was 23 1/2 when I when i finished college, I got married soon after I turned 24... DH did finish school last semester, but due to the economy, while UPS isn't necessarily getting rid of any of their supervisors, they're not exactly promoting people to fulltime at this time. Because of this, the plan to get a house is put on hold, as is making babies, since we definitely don't have the space in our 1 bedroom apt to start a family. On top of that, I had to have surgery a few months after the wedding, which was an expense we didn't have in our plan, and now we're out a car due to an accident that wasn't our fault and probably won't be able to get a new one anytime too soon. All the plans we had are pretty much put on hold as we pay off medical bills and wait for a fulltime position to open up so DH can get promoted and we can buy a house - the way things are going right now, it doesn't look like it'll be anytime too soon =/

I mean you can pick an age or time frame, but ideally, until that time/age approaches things may have changed since you originally set your goals, due to things unseen.

I'd say it really depends on the couple. If you and DH really want to have kids and can afford it in all aspects - financially, time-wise, etc - then go for it. Some couples prefer to just spend the first few years of their marriage together, either travelling or just spending time alone together; others can't wait to jump right in to start a family. There's couples who take 6months to a year before they decide to start making babies. For example, my parents waited 8 years til they had me, as my dad wanted to be financially well off and secure with his job and my mom wanted didn't want to give up her job right away as she enjoyed working.

Really it just all depends on your situation and what you and DH both want.

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BirdLover Posts : 2,834 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: planning a family
Posted: Feb 20, 2009 1:07 AM Go to message in response to: TheNewMrsJ

I could be wrong, but I think she's just asking when we, personally, want to have kids - not asking advice about herself. But nonetheless, you provided a lot of good insight!

We started trying a few months after we got married - just out personalities. It took us over a year and fertilty medication to actually get pregnant though, and I do think it ended up being nice having some time alone together first.

One thing I learned about conceiving children and being pregnant - be flexible! It's one of the few things in our life that we have very little control over!

Lilypie Expecting a baby Ticker

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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: planning a family
Posted: Feb 20, 2009 2:43 AM Go to message in response to: bella24

That is an interesting question I knew I wanted two kids by the time I was twenty-five and I didn't have to be married to have them. I realize now that if I had it to do again I would have like to have married at least a year before we started having children. It wouldn't have mattered in our case as we got married because I was pregnant but if I had it to do all over again I would do it that way. Turns out the man that was mature enough to be a husband was not mature enough to be a father, go figure.

 

 

 

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mavjen Posts : 78 Registered: 10/21/07
Re: planning a family
Posted: Feb 20, 2009 5:53 AM Go to message in response to: bella24

Ideally, we would have liked to wait a year or 2 before having kids. But, given that I'm over 35 y.o., we're trying now although we're not obsessive about it. If it happens, great! But if not, we'll still be happy because we have each other as our family.

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: planning a family
Posted: Feb 20, 2009 7:26 AM Go to message in response to: bella24

I'm 28 and DH is 29. We're financially stable as well, but we don't want kids for another 3-4 years. We've been together for nearly 9 years and married almost one.

Like you said, there are many factors in play. I could blabber about the many reasons for hours, but the most important - right now - is the economy. Sure, we are financially stable RIGHT NOW, but with the state of the country being what it is, we're not comfortable betting on our financial future - not when a child is potentially involved. My job is tenured, so I'm not worried about myself (though if my job were cut, they'd have to offer me a similar one...but not necessarily in the same geographic area. So we may have a choice of remaining in DC with only DH's job, or moving to some random location with only MY job). But as I said, I'm not worried about my job - I have more job security than most people do in this economy. DH doesn't have that kind of job security, though. While he doesn't work for a company that is obviously swirling the toilet, we're not naive. Lots of people who don't expect to lose their jobs are losing them. In this economy, it's best to plan for the worst. If DH were to lose his job, he probably wouldn't be able to find another one right away. The best case scenario is that we'd have my paycheck and a minuscule unemployment check...at least until it runs out. Between our student loan debt and the sky-high cost of living in our area (and going up all the time, not to mention inflation making our money worthless), I couldn't support us for long on my own. Add in the expenses involved in having a young baby, and we'd be in real mess.

My advice is to see how the economy looks in another couple years. Sorry to sound like a bitch, but if you're 22 and think you'll be financially stable in this economy for the long-term, you sound a little naive to me. You're just starting your careers and have no seniority and you don't have the years of experience and instituional memory of your older coworkers. If anyone is going to be laid off, your chances are higher than your coworkers. If you don't realize that, you're naive. I would give it a few more years, save as much money as you can, and see how the economy looks then. Hopefully things will be looking up by the time you're married and ready for kids. If not, it would be smart to take economic factors into consideration.

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: planning a family
Posted: Feb 20, 2009 7:54 AM Go to message in response to: bella24

When I get married I will be 29 years old. Considering I don't really like kids that much lol..they bad mouth you and are very expensive... I am only going to have 1 kid. I want to wait at least until I am 33-35 to have my child. I want to live life first and not be tide down with a child.
                              

 

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BenjaminsWife Posts : 1,069 Registered: 1/11/07
Re: planning a family
Posted: Feb 20, 2009 12:06 PM Go to message in response to: bella24

I think we all have our own timelines as to when we want to get married, have kids, etc.

I wanted to get married and buy a house when I was 28, and have kids by the time I was 30.

I got married when 2 weeks after my 27th birthday. and my DH is finishing up his bachelors. However he's going for his PH.D which puts him in school for another 5+ years. On top of that we'll likely be moving depending on where DH gets accepted. So that means we wont be starting a family until I'm 33-34 which is fine with me.

All you can do is roll with the punches.


Just Married...9.20.08

Formerly BenjaminsBride 

 

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: planning a family
Posted: Feb 20, 2009 12:10 PM Go to message in response to: bella24

Dear Bella,

You're 22 now, will be 23 or 24 at the time of your wedding.

Let's say you wait a year between W-day and pregnancy. That would make you 25 at the youngest when the baby is born, assuming you get pregnant right away.

You would be 26, 27, 28 or so if there are fertility issues, and you would still be young enough to go through some fertility testing and various procedures if necessary.

That sounds about right.

If you are too old when you start trying, then that means that fertility issues have to be resolved "quickly". You also become less fertile as you get older. Then, there's that horrid possiblity of suddenly needing a hysterectomy or other treatment that precludes ever conceiving. Better to have your children "sooner" rather than "never" in such a case. In addition, there is that rare woman who goes through menopause in her late 30s, early 40s.

All things considered, in terms of maternal health, finances, maturity, stability, I think 25 is about ideal for a pregnancy, especially if the couple has about a year of marriage behind them by then.

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: planning a family
Posted: Feb 20, 2009 12:40 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Also, 'way back in the day' women had their children young because they were stay at home mom's. Now-a-days many women are waiting to have kids later on in life because of their careers. My sister had her last child when she was 37 and he is healthy, so it's ok to have kids at a later age. All of my sister's friends had kids in their 30's and they are all healthy. It all comes down to how mature and ready you are to have a child. My friend is only 23 years old and she already has 3 kids, but she is very mature for her age so it worked out for her.
                              

 

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SteffMay2009 Posts : 383 Registered: 10/22/08
Re: planning a family
Posted: Feb 20, 2009 12:41 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

We've recently discussed this..
we are getting married this May, we both have good jobs and a condo. But I'm going to school for my MBA, so we'd like to wait until I finish that. We are also saving for a bigger house, so ideally we'd wait until 2011-2012. I'll be about 30. Obviously things can change and we could have a baby before that, it just wouldn't be ideal.


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mavjen Posts : 78 Registered: 10/21/07
Re: planning a family
Posted: Feb 20, 2009 1:02 PM Go to message in response to: CheetahAngel

None of my girlfriends and guy friends had children until their 30's. We married and have children later due to a number of factors. We're in the NYC area where a lot of single people don't even think about marriage in their 20's much less babies. Also, a lot of our friends have graduate degrees (some 2 or more) and wanted to establish themselves in their careers or starting their own businesses. Some wanted to own their own home or accumulate assets first too. It's just a different mentality from other parts of the country or other generations, I guess. With the exception of one married friend of mine, everyone has had at least 1 baby in their family and every kid is healthy. Not one single divorce in the group either.

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WinterWonderlan... Posts : 658 Registered: 8/23/08
Re: planning a family
Posted: Feb 20, 2009 1:45 PM Go to message in response to: CheetahAngel

It really depends on a lot of factors. I'll be getting married at 21, and I plan to start trying to conceive @ 25ish, so then I'll have been married for 4 years and will hopefully be a little more stable in my career. FH & I will reevaluate the situation when that time comes.

There's a lot to take into consideration, as the previous posters have mentioned. My family has a large history of difficulty conceiving and carrying, etc. So, I want to start while I still have plenty time, just incase something is wrong. It is very, very important to me to have a child. But also to be able to care properly for that child. If something horrible happens, and I find out that its not a possibility for me to conceive, I also want plenty of time to adopt, which is normally a slow process. Also, right now my plan is to just have one child, but if for some reason I change my mind and want another, I would like to have time to do that as well. Also, as others have mentioned, the older you get, the less fertile you are. You are only born with so many eggs, and when they are gone, they're gone. That's just an unfortunate fact of life. Also, other health risk come with increasing age for the baby and the mom. If you are older you have a higher risk of pregnancy related hypertension, gestational diabetes, etc. Your baby also has an increased risk of problems. Most of the time, it turns out fine, but sometimes it doesn't. I know a woman who had numerous miscarriages, and was told there was no way she would be able to conceive again, turns out, at the age of about 36, she became pregnant and her baby has downs. Of course she is loved more than anything and there could be far worse health problems for her, but still its unfortunate for the child. However, problems are a risk in all pregnancies...just slighlty more so as you get older.


So just take everything into consideration and decide what is best for you and your family.

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BirdLover Posts : 2,834 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: planning a family
Posted: Feb 20, 2009 1:49 PM Go to message in response to: mavjen

Dear aunt,

Everything you said falls into my thoughts exactly.

While it's perfectly fine for people to wait to have kids, I do fine it slightly odd when I hear people my age (24) who are already married say things like "we really want kids, but we're going to wait 10 years. I'm sure we'll have no problem then". I just think it's odd to ASSUME that you won't have any problems. Not a judgement, just something I consider odd. I had problems at age 23!

Also, part of my reason for wanting kids young is because I had older parents (dad was 40 when I was born, mom was pretty close). They got married later in life, so it's what worked for them, and like many people, they wanted to wait a year before trying. But they always said to me that they would have loved to have kids younger because they would have had more energy, so I think that's always stuck in my head.

Now, though, the age seems to bother them less because as their two first grandbabies are on their way, they are retired and can set up their "Grammy and Poppy's Home Daycare" like they've always wanted, lol.

Lilypie Expecting a baby Ticker

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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: planning a family
Posted: Feb 20, 2009 4:57 PM Go to message in response to: bella24

Well for my situation, I got married at 26 and have been married for about 1.5 yrs. I thought I'd want to start trying around my first anniversary, however my job situation changed MAJORLY in the past year. As in got AMAZING. So we put it on hold. The way I look at it is, I have these awesome opportunities for travel and promotions, I dont wanna lose it all right now by having a baby. I'd at least want to establish myself career wise so when i DO have a baby, I have something to come back to. Plus with the economy and DH's job which isn't 100% stable, it's a little iffy. We'd rather sock away as much money as we can for an emergency fund rather than burn through ALL of our savings for maternity leave and day care, just in case.

I'd realistically like to start MAYBE this fall, but it's always changing. This week, I think I could live my life perfectly fine with NO kids, but next week maybe I will want one!

New Jersey: We have dumps, bays and cement boots and we know how to use 'em

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