Problems with the man and his family

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MrsLizSteplowsk... Posts : 81 Registered: 1/14/09
Problems with the man and his family
Posted: Feb 15, 2009 7:35 PM

Okay here is the thing.. I had a baby back in Aug.. Me and FH didnt have money to get our own place.. So we are living with his mom and stepdad.. Well my FMIL decided to turn into a huge bitch these last few weeks.. And so i started looking at homes today so me and FH can get out well he is being a cry baby about it.. Its pushing me away so much i'm to the point that i dont want to marry him now because to me he isnt grown up enough to have a family he seems like he still needs his mommy... I don't know what i'm wanting to hear right now i just needed to vent and get peoples input on what to do and how to deal with this.. Dont get me wrong I love him... I just dont think he is ready to grow up and get out of his mommys house.. I didnt even want to move up here in the first place but i did it bacuse he was more confortable up here for him, He didnt care about what i wanted even though i just had a baby it was all about him. and now everytime i talk or look at homes for sale he gets pissy and bitchy with me and he yells at me for everything.... I don't think he is ready to be married and have a family... I'm So upset right now. I dont know what to do... We have talked about this before and he just says sorry then he still does it... Ugh.....

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Problems with the man and his family
Posted: Feb 15, 2009 8:10 PM Go to message in response to: MrsLizSteplowsk...

Urgh, sorry this is such a struggle for you!

If I were in your shoes, I would move out MYSELF (with your little one, of course!). You don't need to buy a place of your own right away - just find yourself a suitable rental for the time being.

Once you do this, one of two things will happen:
1) You moving out - or taking steps to do so on your own - will make him realize that he's being a baby (and not supporting his FW and HIS baby!), which will jump-start him into growing up a little and acting like a grown man.
OR
2) You'll move out on your own and he won't lift a finger to help. In this case, you're honestly better off finding out NOW than you would be after getting married. Heck, you don't want to live with your FILs your whole life, right? Better to know NOW than after you're married.
Also...
3) This is just a perk, but either way, your relationship with your FMIL will likely improve after you've moved out. There are many people in the world that I love wholeheartedly...but we'd kill one another if we had to live together. Perhaps you've just worn out your welcome in her home, or you're rubbing one another the wrong day due to all the time you spend together. Most likely, things will improve once you're not sharing your living space with her.

I don't blame you for being turned off at your FH's behavior. I'd be pretty annoyed, myself. But it sounds like you're at the end of your rope and it's time to make some decisions. You need your own space, and if your FH is dragging his feet, you need to go ahead and do it on your own. Hopefully your action will motivate him to take action himself. But my advice is to stop talking about it and start DOING something - with or without him.

One more thought: is it possible that he just isn't ready to buy a home yet? Maybe he's dragging his feet due to worries about money, the housing market, etc, etc, rather than simply not wanting to leave his parents' house. Have you tried asking him about renting, rather than buying right away? I only ask because I'd probably drag my feet, too, if DH wanted to buy a home right now. I'm not ready to own a home, and I have many complex reasons for not wanting to (the economy in general, worries about DH's job security - mine is pretty secure, but I couldn't support us on my own, not being sure that I want to live in this area long-term and worries about having to sell in a few years - and bad market - if I change my mind, the price of homes in our area and not wanting to compromise location for affordability, etc, etc) My point is that there may be many complex reasons why he might not want to buy right now - and THAT might be the reason for his foot-dragging. So perhaps renting your own place might be a good compromise, and you can revisit the buying issue in another couple years. Just a thought!

DaisypathWedding Ticker

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MrsLizSteplowsk... Posts : 81 Registered: 1/14/09
Re: Problems with the man and his family
Posted: Feb 15, 2009 8:20 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

Me and FMIL never really got along to start with... He doesnt want to rent he doesnt want an APT.. He wants to buy a house but everytime i find one thats good price okay part of town and i show little intrest in it he gets moody.. If I was working right now that paid pretty good money i would move out with my little one. But i dont have any money i havent gone back to work sense i had our little girl Ashley.. So i'm thinking of moving in with my mom again.. I dont want to not be with him but it seems to be the only way out right now.. My health is going down because of the stress thats been going on.. and he doesnt seem to care.. Right now i dont even want him to touch me i'm so pissed at him..


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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Problems with the man and his family
Posted: Feb 15, 2009 8:27 PM Go to message in response to: MrsLizSteplowsk...

I completely agree with ArtBride.

I think you need to do what's best for you and your child. It sounds like what's best would be to move out.

Once that decision is made, you will really learn if he's grown up enough or not.

Good luck.

EDIT: Just saw your response to Art's original reply.

If you have the option to move in with your Mom - take it do it. He'll either buck up or he won't.

It doesn't sound like your relationship is very healthy right now. Time from one another might be the best thing you can do right now.




Edited by: PharmToxGirl on Feb 15, 2009 8:28 PM

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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: Problems with the man and his family
Posted: Feb 15, 2009 8:32 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

I agree with Artbride. With the economy the way it is right now and people losing jobs at such an alarming rate buying a house would be really scary for me too. I say to go ahead and start looking for a rental, now is really not the time to buy. If he is going to go along with your plans fine if not go on and make a life for you and your little one. You have a responsiblity to your child to make the best home possible for him/her at this time it seems FMIL house is not it. You seem to have already made a lot of sacrifices for FH it is time for him to step up and do something for the sake of the family.

I hope things work out for the three of you.


You responded to Art while I was typing my response. I would move in with my mom right now and work on getting a job and doing what I need to do for me and my daughter. You need to do what is right for the two of you if he comes around fine, if not you need to worry about taking care of your child. From this thread and from others you have posted it sounds like you FH has a lot of growing up to do before you two get married.



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Edited by: kennysoldwife on Feb 15, 2009 8:35 PM

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Problems with the man and his family
Posted: Feb 15, 2009 9:06 PM Go to message in response to: MrsLizSteplowsk...

It sounds like he says he wants things (like buying a house), but then he never follows through. Since he's not willing to, you need to take care of yourself - even if it's just a temporary solution until he grows up and starts giving you a hand.

If I were you, I would move in with my mom and work on finding a job and child care. If your mom or other family members could help, great! I really hope that this relationship works out for you, but I think you need to resign yourself - at least for now - to being a single mother. Move in with your mom and take it from there. Like I said above, you moving out might jump-start him into action. If not, then you're no worse off than you are now - in fact, you'd be BETTER off, as you wouldn't be stressed at living with a woman you don't get along with and a man who says he loves you but doesn't act in your best interest.

I really hope this works out for you all - but you need to act in the best interest of yourself and your daughter, and right now, your FH isn't willing to go along with that, so you need to do it on your own. Talk to your FH and tell him that you're considering moving in with your mom. Either he'll stop you (by getting moving on buying or renting your own place), or he'll let you go. If he does, move in with your mom, find yourself a job, and figure out how to support yourself and your daughter without him. Hopefully you'll be able to work this out eventually, but it may take some time. Right now, though, you need to show him that you're serious about this.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

Vice President and Guardian of the Toilet Brush of POOP: People Offended by Offended People

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Amy88 Posts : 2 Registered: 2/15/09
Re: Problems with the man and his family
Posted: Feb 15, 2009 11:24 PM Go to message in response to: MrsLizSteplowsk...

Sorry to hear you are having so many problems.

I read that you have not worked after having your daughter. Does FH have a job? Can he afford to buy a house and support you and your daughter?

Too bad FMIL is such a bitch. Having to pay to live somewhere that is making you so stressed is not good.

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MrsLizSteplowsk... Posts : 81 Registered: 1/14/09
Re: Problems with the man and his family
Posted: Feb 15, 2009 11:38 PM Go to message in response to: Amy88

Yeah he has a job and its stable. He has been so moody with me tonight. I'm about ready to call off the whole thing with us.. I dont know how much more i can take of this.. I dont wanna take his daughter away because he is a good dad... But i just cant deal with his momma boy actions anymore...


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MrsJDtobe Posts : 159 Registered: 2/15/09
Re: Problems with the man and his family
Posted: Feb 15, 2009 11:51 PM Go to message in response to: MrsLizSteplowsk...

Wow, that seems like a lot to handle for you! I feel fo you though. You really need to talk to him and get it taken care of before it consumes you and yow two end up breaking up. It doesn't sound like that is what you want, so talk to him. Explain your feelings and don't let him shrug you off. You have valid concerns. Maybe take a time out for a week and go to your mom. Tell him you just need time with her. He will hate being without you and maybe then he will talk about moving out of his moms!

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HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,298 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: Problems with the man and his family
Posted: Feb 16, 2009 12:58 AM Go to message in response to: MrsJDtobe

I agree with PharmTox/Kennys/ArtBride. Do what's best for you and move in with your mom if you think that will be healthier for you.

As far as "taking your daughter away from him" is concerned--I'm sure you already know that having a mom and dad that aren't getting along (and don't even sound like you particularly like each other at the moment) is not healthy. Your daughter will be healthier and happier if you and her dad are healthy and happy. As long as your daughter is getting to see her dad, you won't be taking her away from him. Take a break from each other and hopefully things will get better. Good luck!

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karebeartg Posts : 831 Registered: 6/25/08
Re: Problems with the man and his family
Posted: Feb 16, 2009 9:56 AM Go to message in response to: HappyGirl13

I agree with everyone else. This sounds that you need a break from each other. If you aren't getting along with FH or FMIL, I feel like living with them would be a nightmare.

I hope that when you move out and move in with your mother, FH wakes up. Best of luck.

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Amy88 Posts : 2 Registered: 2/15/09
Re: Problems with the man and his family
Posted: Feb 16, 2009 11:16 AM Go to message in response to: karebeartg

Reading your story last night has me scared.

I moved in with my FH Family in January. I am pregnant and due in May. My FH and I thought I could get better medical care here.

My FIL are helping us to get the baby stuff together. They are letting us live here for free so we can save some money and hopefully get a nice place to live when we get married.

Right now I feel lucky. I get up when my FH goes to work and I have the whole place to myself. When I am feeling okay I try to help do a few things. My FH comes home for lunch (more $ saved) and I try to have something ready for him so we can spend our time together. I try to rest in the afternoon and once in a while I cook dinner for everyone.

I am praying my FMIL does not turn into a bitch.

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: Problems with the man and his family
Posted: Feb 16, 2009 12:32 PM Go to message in response to: MrsLizSteplowsk...

You need to tell him exactly how you feel and let him know that you are stressed about this. Tell him you are even thinking of leaving if he doesn't want to move out and start a life with you and his daughter. Did he expect to live with his parents even after you two get married? Or is it just until you get married. If he has the money then you two should move out. There is no reason to live with his parents. Just let him know whats on your mind. It may help him to move on.
                              

 

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Nalamienea Posts : 2,924 Registered: 6/13/08
Re: Problems with the man and his family
Posted: Feb 16, 2009 12:37 PM Go to message in response to: CheetahAngel

I have a feeling the "just let him know" phase has come and gone and now it's time for action to speak louder than words. Don't be hurtful to him, but let him know that you can't stay there anymore and that you're moving in with your mom and you're taking the baby, unless he has a better idea. He can't stop you as long as you give him a chance to still see his daughter too.

I wish you the best.

 

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FutureMrsScanlon Posts : 67 Registered: 12/15/08
Re: Problems with the man and his family
Posted: Feb 16, 2009 2:57 PM Go to message in response to: Nalamienea

I agree with most of the ladies here. He sounds like he needs to do a lot of growing up before he gets married. You should definetly think about yourself and your child.
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