Anyone else unofficially engaged?

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BirdLover Posts : 2,834 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Anyone else unofficially engaged?
Posted: Jan 13, 2009 3:12 PM Go to message in response to: cyndi33

I think the TERM '" unofficially engaged" is what makes no sense. You are either engaged or you aren't. If you talk about marriage but aren't engaged, then you aren't engaged. If you have plans in the works, the ring is on the way, you are engaged.

What most people are talking about, to me, seems more appropriately titled "Privately Engaged", or something else that refers to the fact that the engagement isn't public yet. Because from what most people are talking about, they are planning to get married, but aren't sharing the news yet for one reason or another.

So I think the terminology is what people are really disagreeing about, not the actual state of events.

Lilypie Expecting a baby Ticker

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independant2406 Posts : 58 Registered: 12/8/08
Re: Anyone else unofficially engaged?
Posted: Jan 14, 2009 1:55 PM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

I wonder if this is just a term used in certian parts of the country, because it's quite commonly used where I live (the midwest). I'm not sure what I would call it otherwise "engaged without a ring?"
"not really engaged but almost?" it just seems easier and more logical
to say unofficial...Even my FH read through the posts here and he agreed that he doesn't consider us "official" untill he can actually give me the ring.

Don't get me wrong...The ring is not a big deal... the ring itself is meerly a symbol. Its not a matter of money, because god knows we're poor and I told him he could buy a freaking fake ring walmart if he wants. I would never be able to tell the difference anyway and money is not the reason I'm marrying him (he makes less than minimum wage working at a Waffle House... lol). I'm marrying him because I love him. Its important to the both of us that he actually propose, give me a ring, and that I accept. I realize this ceremonious-ness may not be the case for everyone, and aparently I live in the dark ages because I never thought anyone got engaged any other way.

For my family and friends, you are not engaged "officially" untill you have a ring on your finger. Its the symbol of commitment to marriage. FH and I don't call ourselves engaged yet because, maybe due to the area we live in, or the way we were raised, or whatever, we feel its not right to consider it official yet. Perhaps we're just old fashioned...or like ifoundmrwright said... we just want that story to be able to tell to our grandkids...

I apologize if I seemed snippish but it rubbed me the wrong way to have my curent status labled as a dog and pony show... thats all.

Thanks for clarifying that the term may be foreign to others. My eyes have been opened a bit to those around me. Hopefully this discussion we're having here will clear it up for everyone in the future.

Edited by: independant2406 on Jan 14, 2009 1:58 PM

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SanaChan Posts : 47 Registered: 1/2/08
Re: Anyone else unofficially engaged?
Posted: Jan 14, 2009 2:19 PM Go to message in response to: mainstdancer08

I guess I would fit into the "unofficially engaged" category. My situation is a little messed up though, and I already have the ring. (that's a long story all on it's own) I currently wear it on my right hand though, because we aren't official. We're planning on getting married, but haven't really set any details yet, as we have some debt situations and school to work out before we can work on a proper timeline. He hasn't officially proposed yet, although he's told me that he has it planned. He just wants to make the official proposal very special, and because he works on call, his plans have always been derailed by work. So it's just a matter of when.
"Those who want to relive their youth, are probably too old to remember it."

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ChrisBride Posts : 33 Registered: 1/14/09
Re: Anyone else unofficially engaged?
Posted: Jan 14, 2009 4:22 PM Go to message in response to: mainstdancer08

I know exactly what your talking about I'm also "unofficially engaged" only reason we're not official is because he can't afford the ring just yet. There can be a place between engaged and not, there are some situations where you can't go to that other step just yet. SanaChan I know what you mean there are plans in the works but something always seems to come up and push back the timeline. My problem is I found out when he was planning to propose and then he decided to switch it up on me so I would be more surprised lol
Love is all you need...

Edited by: ChrisBride on Jan 14, 2009 4:23 PM

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PV2PHILLIPS2B Posts : 25 Registered: 1/13/09
Re: Anyone else unofficially engaged?
Posted: Jan 15, 2009 2:38 PM Go to message in response to: mainstdancer08

I get what you're saying, but I would agree that you can call yourself engaged... they won't call the wedding police on you, promise.

FH and I got "unofficially engaged" when he was going thru Advanced Infantry Training in the Army. I didn't have a ring, but you better believe I told everyone and there brother that we were engaged! He said he still wanted to do it "the right way" before we set a date and all that jazz, but there is just something about getting to call your significant other your "fiance" instead of your "boyfriend."

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BirdLover Posts : 2,834 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Anyone else unofficially engaged?
Posted: Jan 15, 2009 2:54 PM Go to message in response to: PV2PHILLIPS2B

I understand the idea that some people have that if there is no ring, they don't consider you actually engaged (even though all of us HERE know that the ring doesn't matter in that sense).

I'd say the only time I find it odd is when, like, the date is picked, the venue is booked, the minister is booked, and still, they call each other boyfriend and girlfriend. To me, that's weird. But I also wouldn't tell a friend that!

Lilypie Expecting a baby Ticker

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PrincessDee Posts : 58 Registered: 1/6/09
Re: Anyone else unofficially engaged?
Posted: Jan 15, 2009 2:58 PM Go to message in response to: PV2PHILLIPS2B

I think everyone has their own place where they draw the lines for these things. A lot of people still like the tradition of the official proposal (with or without a ring), but still feel it is appropriate to discuss issues related to marriage and wedding planning first. This puts people in a kind of in between stage that for some people could be called an unofficial engagement. Another potential in between stage is being promised, but not engaged. A friend of my sister's was promised with her boyfriend, and we teased her about being engaged to be engaged (they're married now). My boyfriend and I are actually thinking about exchanging promise rings on or before Valentine's Day, which for us means that we intend to get engaged, but feel it is appropriate to wait until we've been together a little longer before taking that step. There are a few advantages to this for us. This makes it more comfortable for us to start some preliminary wedding planning before the official engagement (not booking or anything, just looking into things). It gives our families some time to get used to things, while giving the heads up that we are serious about each other and being committed. We are very fortunate to be able to tell early in our relationship that we want to spend our lives with each other, but we still want to proceed in a way that is practical, and this is one way of expressing our feelings and commitment, while still taking our time.

I have an engagement ring picked out, he has a wedding band picked out, we have a date in mind, and he is probably going to propose within the next half a year. So, I would not call us unofficially engaged, but I understand being in an in between stage. I am very happy and comfortable with our approach to this, but I think it ultimately depends on what is right for each couple. As far as definitions go, I think an unofficial engagement is just when you have both made it clear that you intend to marry each other and privately think of yourselves as engaged (I think private engagement is a good way of putting it), but haven't completed whatever you as a couple consider the official procedure for getting engaged (formal proposal, ring, whatever) and so aren't ready to tell others yet.

Edited by: PrincessDee on Jan 15, 2009 3:00 PM

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BirdLover Posts : 2,834 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Anyone else unofficially engaged?
Posted: Jan 15, 2009 3:04 PM Go to message in response to: PrincessDee

I definitely don't think it's weird to talk about marriage before you are engaged! In fact, I think it's weird (and possibly more problematic) if you don't! Even discussing certain wedding details isn't odd. The only part I find weird would be having everything booked and still not saying you were engaged. And I do know people who did that.

Lilypie Expecting a baby Ticker

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PrincessDee Posts : 58 Registered: 1/6/09
Re: Anyone else unofficially engaged?
Posted: Jan 15, 2009 3:28 PM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

Yeah. I'm with you on that. I don't understand actually making the arrangements and still not considering yourself engaged. If you're not engaged, it doesn't seem very practical to start shelling out money for a site and such.

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SanaChan Posts : 47 Registered: 1/2/08
Re: Anyone else unofficially engaged?
Posted: Jan 15, 2009 7:02 PM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

Actually having things booked without an official engagement? Okay, I have to agree that that sounds a little odd. But, I suppose depending on the situation that could make sense. But that still throws me off. But the again, I don't mind putting a wedding off for a little while to get the venus and stuff that I want. After all, if you're planning om spending the rest of your life with that person anyways, who cares if it takes a few extra months?
"Those who want to relive their youth, are probably too old to remember it."

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MrsSmith62610 Posts : 17 Registered: 12/8/08
Re: Anyone else unofficially engaged?
Posted: Jan 25, 2009 11:26 PM Go to message in response to: PrincessDee

Ok, I have been all through this thread and I am just reeling at the convo that your ladies are having! I am unofficially engaged as well and I am proud to say so!!! I have been with my BF/FH for 7 almost 8 years. We have picked out the rings, told our parents, picked colors, found our reception and ceremony site, and set the date the only thing that I am missing is the actual proposal. I am from the south and it seems people here accept it when I say I am unofficially engaged and are perfectly understanding to the term. I could care less about having a ring at this moment, but he insistent on me having one so he can do the whole on the knee thing. Our unofficial proposal went like this:
Him: you wanna get married
Me: Sure, when?
Him: some time next year. You pick the date
Me: ok, May 1, 2010
Him: sound great to me!

Of course he was not happy about the way that he proposed, so we decided to call it unofficial. So, until we have the moment that we are waiting for, we will be unofficial!!! Anybody have a problem with that then keep it to yourself and don't be so snotty about it!!!

FutureMrsSmith10

 

 

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ecnusbau Posts : 12 Registered: 12/18/08
Re: Anyone else unofficially engaged?
Posted: Jan 26, 2009 12:09 AM Go to message in response to: MrsSmith62610

So how about everyone just migrates their vocabulary to switzerland and we say "I'm going to be engaged soon"? Or, we could just let small terminology variations slide --- people from Boston say "wicked" all the time and we don't ridicule them for it; maybe we could be as accommodating on this board.

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BrighterThanSun... Posts : 853 Registered: 10/17/08
Re: Anyone else unofficially engaged?
Posted: Jan 26, 2009 1:27 PM Go to message in response to: ecnusbau

I just find it funny that people have different ways of being unofficially engaged.
Some people feel unofficially engaged when they don't have a ring yet.
Some people feel unofficially engaged when they haven't told other people yet.
There are so many different ways people look at it.

I am not getting married for quite a few years, I am in my first year of University, I am 20 years old...and obviously getting married and getting a degree are two things that shouldn't co-mingle...well for me at least.

What FH & I do is visualize our wedding. We haven't gone to any bridal shows or scoped out any venues. But we sort of brainstorm, we know a lot of little details that we want...we discuss everything from briday party to center pieces to the colour of his tie.

We know that it will be happening sometime in our future...and that we are each other's future...we just aren't quite ready to put it into motion.

So he sort of considers us unofficially engaged.
He didn't get down on one knee and ask...not like he asked to. But he did ask if one day I will marry him...just one night when we were lying in bed...and I said that of course I would.

We bring up our wedding and our marraige often in coversation...but just privately amongst us.

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Autumnalis2010 Posts : 133 Registered: 1/12/09
Re: Anyone else unofficially engaged?
Posted: Jan 26, 2009 1:53 PM Go to message in response to: BrighterThanSun...

I am in pretty much the same boat as Brighter. "Unofficially engaged" isn't a term I really use, but we are seriously dating and talking about, even planning on engagement and marriage, so I guess that's what you could consider us. We're 21 and 22...I've finished undergrad, finishing my masters this summer, and FH is finishing undergrad this summer. He really doesn't want to get engaged until he is done with school, but we have talked a lot about it and about our wedding. I'll consider us engaged when, ring or no ring, big proposal or no big proposal, he asks seriously and we can start telling people and start the planning. Until then, our thoughts and plans are just tentative.

 

If you're a bird, I'm a bird.

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vixenvanessa Posts : 1 Registered: 1/26/09
Re: Anyone else unofficially engaged?
Posted: Jan 26, 2009 9:02 PM Go to message in response to: Cassiopeia

I am in the same boat!

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