6 years in april and still no ring

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jana297 Posts : 1 Registered: 8/5/07
6 years in april and still no ring
Posted: Jan 23, 2009 4:49 PM

Hi All!!

I often wonder why I torture myself on this website as this has been my longtime dream!

I have loved my boyfriend for about 6 years and we even bought a house so that I could be closer to my friends, I moved to Massachusetts for him and we have been living together for 6 years this summer.

This past summer I told him I have had it...I need him to marry me. I told him I need to move on and go home to NH where my friends are. He did not agree to me moving out but instead said he would buy a house in NH where we could live proving his commitment to me. He said to be exact, "Why would I move to NH and be far from my family, friends, and job if I wasn't planning on marrying you someday?"

I'm not on the loan or deed of the house however and I thought it was going to be ok. It's not, I feel like an outsider in my own home and I feel more than ever depressed that he won't marry me. He says he is not ready and doesn't know why. He says he knows for certain I'm the one and he just isn't ready for that step. It will be one year that we have lived in this house in July and I feel like I should leave. I will be heart broken to the depths of my soul and I think I might wonder for the rest of my life if it was worth leaving a man I was so happy with just for a piece of paper that means something to me.

The other night he said to me that he has been thinking about marriage for the first time without panic and see's us married in the near future.

I don't want to walk away from happiness. Anyone think it is worth sticking things out with this man?

Jana

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MsStressedoutCat Posts : 9 Registered: 1/23/09
Re: 6 years in april and still no ring
Posted: Jan 23, 2009 5:14 PM Go to message in response to: jana297

"The other night he said to me that he has been thinking about marriage for the first time without panic and see's us married in the near future. "

I would take this to mean that he is planning on asking you soon. I had to wait 6 long years too! sometimes the final step just scares men.

Mentally I gave myself a date that if he didnt ask me by Month, day, year, I would consider cutting my losses and move on (I'd like to start a family before I hit 50 if you know what I mean). I didnt let him know the date or that I had a dealine and I stopped pushing the subject/talking/thinking about it. I found that after I just let go of the topic we were able to just enjoy our relationship and before i knew it he popped the question.

I'm not saying this will work for you, everyone is different. But if he is scared that you will leave he may be saying anything to keep you around. At the same time you dont want to feel like you are forcing him into marriage so scaring him with an ultimatim is not a good option either.

So you'll have to use your judgement. Maybe waiting another year wont be so bad, but dont wait around forever.

<3 lots of luck

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RanAway2Maine Posts : 2,359 Registered: 1/27/08
Re: 6 years in april and still no ring
Posted: Jan 23, 2009 5:30 PM Go to message in response to: jana297

Jana-

Hi! I am wondering how old you both are and if either of you have been married previously. There is so little information in your post.

I was in a similar situation with my ex. I thought the same thing about that guy, " I will be heart broken to the
depths of my soul and I think I might wonder for the rest of my life if
it was worth leaving a man I was so happy with just for a piece of
paper that means something to me
."
But, I hated him and he turned abusive. I am beside myself with happiness because I got away from him and met and married a wonderful man.

I wonder why he wouldn't put you on the loan or on the deed. And you're paying part of the mortgage? It almost sounds like a landlord/tenant/roommate situation. That's a red flag for me in that he's not thinking of your future together. Why wait until after the marriage to transfer the deed to the both of you?

But, on the flip side, you mentioned that he told you he thought about marriage without panic for the first time. Has he said anything like this before? Does he have short or long term goals which would dictate that he not get married now? Maybe he means it. If you are truly happy with this man, then I'd wait it out with ultimatums.



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soontobemrsnye Posts : 240 Registered: 3/2/08
Re: 6 years in april and still no ring
Posted: Jan 23, 2009 5:33 PM Go to message in response to: jana297

Most girls would probably disagree with me but I gave my husband an ultimatum. I couldn't deal with it any longer. We had known eachother for 9 years and were dating for 4 1/2 years. I told him he had till the end of the year or I was gone. I was 27 and wanted to start a family. I wasn't one of those girls who bugged him all the time about marrying me though. I think there is a difference, men don't liked to be nagged ever. His family knew of my ultimatum and wanted him to propose as well. I think they noticed I was hurting badly from this.I also think men have somewhat of a control once you're living with them. Why marry the girl when she already lives with me? We were living together for I think 3 years if not more and I just had to do it and it worked for me. I did assume he was saving for a ring and he was scared to get married and I was right about all this but everything worked out. You have to eventually do what's best for you. If he loves you, he'll do what it takes to make you happy...if he is willing to let you walk out then obvioulsy he is not worth it. Good luck!


Just Married and loving it!

 

Pregnancy-DueDate.com - DueDate Calculators & Tickers

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Leli Posts : 89 Registered: 1/12/09
Re: 6 years in april and still no ring
Posted: Jan 23, 2009 5:47 PM Go to message in response to: jana297

You kind of answered yourself on one of your questions. You wondered if you would regret leaving him for just a piece of paper, but in the same sentence you say it means something to you. I think it's a pretty important piece of paper that means a lot to you, and you shouldn't downplay it because he's dragging his feet about it.


"Though the world will tell you it's not smart
Ever ever after
The world can be yours if you let your heart
Believe in ever after"

  • Don't settle for less than what you deserve.

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BenjaminsWife Posts : 1,069 Registered: 1/11/07
Re: 6 years in april and still no ring
Posted: Jan 23, 2009 6:20 PM Go to message in response to: jana297

Are you super clingly...or are you always at his beck and call. Maybe he thinks that you'll stay around even if he doesnt propose. Start living your life the way you want to. Find new hobbies, go out with your friends more often.

And also...

I think you should take a 2 week vacation somewhere with out him...so he misses you and appreciates you more...

Maybe that'll help expedite it.


Just Married...9.20.08

Formerly BenjaminsBride 

 

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BirdLover Posts : 2,834 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: 6 years in april and still no ring
Posted: Jan 24, 2009 1:09 PM Go to message in response to: BenjaminsWife

Do you mind if I ask how old the two of you are? I can't really tell from the picture, and I think in situations like this, age can play a factor in the type of advice given.

I don't think you should give him a deadline yet - only because you mentioned that he finally talked about being open to the idea of marriage without panic. Maybe you can bring up that conversation though. "It made me very happy that you said that the idea of marriage is starting to not make you freak out" and go from there.

I actually kinda like the other poster's idea of coming up with a "mental date" in your head, of when you might decide that enough is enough. Or, you could pick a "mental date" that doesn't involve leaving, but involves having the BIG (now or never-type) discussion.

Good luck. I am not the type of person who could have waited 6 years not knowing if we'd ever end up married, so I completely sympathize with you.

Lilypie Expecting a baby Ticker

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jessicamarie2010 Posts : 10 Registered: 1/23/09
Re: 6 years in april and still no ring
Posted: Jan 24, 2009 5:21 PM Go to message in response to: jana297

Hi Jana!

After reading your headline, the first thought that came to my mind was that I was recently in a very similar situation. I definitely can relate, girlfriend! My fiance and I have been together for 7 years in June, we have been living together for 4 years, and have owned a home for 3 years. We are high school sweethearts too! Guess what....Jonathan just proposed to me on December 18, 2008 in Miami, FL. It was well worth the 6+ year wait and I wouldn't of changed it for the world.

Your boyfriend may also be playing the same "game" that Jonathan was doing for a couple years. We talked about marriage many times and I asked him many times, why the wait? His answer was ALWAYS...."if we keep talking about it, then how in the world am I going to surprise you"? Thank goodness we left it at that because he totally swept me off my feet when the proposal occured a month ago.

I knew it was going to happen, it was just when and where and how? But honestly, if he waited another 6 years...there is no doubt in my mind that I would have ever left him because he didn't propose. That's how love works. If you are in love and commited to each other, that should be enough. But yes, we are girls and we all have dreams of our wedding...

In regards to him not putting you on mortgage or listing you as a deed, that concerns me. If he knows you are the one, then why didn't he take that step?

Good luck and definitely keep me posted!

Jessica

<a href="http://www.weddingcountdown.com">
<img border="0" src="http://img.weddingcountdown.com/ticker/e7l3rv.png" alt="wedding tickers" />
</a>

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: 6 years in april and still no ring
Posted: Jan 24, 2009 6:24 PM Go to message in response to: jana297

Well, we had been together for seven years when we got engaged (coming up on 9 years total now!), so I might be a little biased on this topic. In our case, it was ME who didn't want to get married earlier. We started talking about our future when we had been together for about 3 years and agreed that we wanted to get married one day. While DH would have been happy getting married back then, I had some personal goals that I wanted to achieve before getting married. This is kind of hard to explain right, but I'll try. I loved him, but I wasn't willing to risk compromising my educational and career goals because I knew I'd end up resenting him if I ended up having to sacrifice my goals for our marriage. We talked it over and decided that marriage could wait until I had a solid foundation towards those goals. We set a certain point, knowing that it would probably take about 4 years to get there. So we said, 'Ok, we'll talk about marriage again in 4 years or when ArtBride reaches X point - whichever comes first.' By the time I reached that point, we were both eager to get married as well...but the most important part is that that time MADE us ready. Sure, I was probably ready for marriage long before we got married, but I'm glad we waited because we're in a MUCH better place now and we don't need to put our marriage through the financial stress that I went through when I was in grad school. (Sure, we were in a committed relationship at the time, so DH sort of suffered that with me, but from a distance and without his name on the empty bank account! It would have been MUCH more stressful if I had to drag him through all that!) Anyway, that's just one point of view of someone who wanted to wait to get married.

I could ask you all kinds of questions to try to get an idea about your relationship, but I don't think I need the specifics. My advice is to have a talk like the one I described above. You need to figure out some sort of a timeline to make sure he is making progress towards being ready. Sit down and talk. You mentioned that he recently said that he's not freaked out at the idea of marriage anymore. That's progress, but what exactly does it mean? Talk to him and find out whether he thinks that means he'll be ready in a month, a year, or five years. If he says it means he'll be ready soon, make plans to talk about the issue again in a month or two. Don't mention it between talks, but hold him firmly to the 'revisit this in X amount of time' rule. After a couple talks, figure out whether (and how quickly) he seems to be making progress and decide whether you can live with that rate of progress. Then, in one of your conversations, discuss getting engaged NOW. I wouldn't hold out for an expensive ring or elaborate proposal, as that'll just give him another reason to procrastinate. While both are nice, they are not required before you can get married. Ask yourself what is more important: committing to getting married, or getting a nice proposal and ring? When the time comes, I would just declare yourselves engaged and start planning a wedding. He can always get you a ring and officially propose after you've booked a venue and photographer.

If you have these conversations and you see no progress, you'll have to ask yourself a different question: Are you Ok continuing this relationship without a legal commitment? Some people never get married and they have wonderful, fully committed relationships. Others need or want the legal commitment...for a variety of reasons. Which one are you? It sounds like you want to get married, but you don't want to end a good thing over the lack of a piece of paper. If it came down to that, would you be willing to forego that piece of paper to continue the good relationship? If I was in your shoes, I think I could live without the piece of paper...but I would want some sort of security, since I wouldn't have the legal rights of a wife if the relationship ended. I'd want my name on the deed to the house. If he is really committed, he shouldn't have a problem with that. If he wasn't willing to marry me OR put my name on the house, I'd probably end it.

Good luck - keep us posted on how it all works out!

DaisypathWedding Ticker

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: 6 years in april and still no ring
Posted: Jan 24, 2009 9:15 PM Go to message in response to: jana297

I don't want to walk away from happiness. Anyone think it is worth sticking things out with this man?

Unfortunately, you don't sound happy. A marriage is an agreement between two people, and right now, he's completely in the driver's seat. As some of the PP's have said, this might work out.Then again, I've known people who wait a lot longer than six years, biological clocks ticking away, only to end up alone. I agree--give yourself a mental date by which you expect to be engaged. If it doesn't happen, walk. If he's truly committed to you, he will make it happen. If not, you'll have your answer. I do not know your situation with the house, but I would speak to a lawyer to make sure that your finances are protected, one way or another.
myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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Nalamienea Posts : 2,924 Registered: 6/13/08
Re: 6 years in april and still no ring
Posted: Jan 24, 2009 9:37 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

I totally agree with ArtBride's post, as well as Myra's. I don't have the same experiences as Myra, but I do know that the getting engaged part was a lot more important to me than the "huge proposal" part. The day we got engaged I was in my pj's, in the kitchen cooking dinner and he just said "Let's get married" which we used to like to say anyway... and the other would say "okay let's do that." and then teh converstion would continue where it left off. This time though he said "no for real... like.. next year." hehe THAT was my big romantic proposal. After that we went shopping for rings together. :)

I say this becuase I agree with Artbride. If you keep giving him time in your head to save up for a ring or plan the elaborate proposal, then you might be setting yourself up for a bigger disappointment.


IMG_7120.jpg picture by sarahandchris2008

10/26/08 

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PrincessDee Posts : 58 Registered: 1/6/09
Re: 6 years in april and still no ring
Posted: Jan 25, 2009 7:59 PM Go to message in response to: jana297

Maybe I've just gotten cynical, but I get uneasy about situations like this one. If he wants to marry you, why not just marry you? It's not like you've only been together a short time. And not having your name on the house...it seems like maybe he wants to leave the door open for things not working out. I don't think he should be making it so hard for you. I think when things are made that difficult it might be a sign that something's wrong. It's different when both people talk and come to a decision together about what is best and that involves waiting, but in this case it seems to be mostly all up to him. In any case, I think honest communication (not repeating the same things over and over or nagging, but a conversation in which you get some answers about where he's really coming from) would probably be very beneficial. Whatever you decide to do, I hope it turns out well for you.

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: 6 years in april and still no ring
Posted: Jan 26, 2009 10:13 AM Go to message in response to: jana297

He clearly told you that he wants to marry you and that he has been thinking about it and that it will happen soon. Sooooo it can happen any day now! I had to wait 5 years and 1/2 until I got engaged! I had to keep reminding him that I want to get married and that it's time for the ring. You did the right thing in reminding him and pushing him. You did what you had to do and now it's up to him to make the next step into proposing. But it WILL happen.


                              

 

 



 


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nanette927 Posts : 1,748 Registered: 1/28/08
Re: 6 years in april and still no ring
Posted: Jan 26, 2009 10:58 AM Go to message in response to: jana297

Mental dead line sounds good to me! And as others have said age plays a big roll too. Apparently he's a little too comfortable in this situation.

It didn't take long for him to pop the question (2yrs) but I know he had a hard time when we first talked about getting married. There we were 35 yrs old and not getting any younger, I knew he was the one and he told me the same. One day he totally turned like he had snapped and was mean and rude. When I asked him what was wrong he said he wasn't sure if we were right for eachother. I felt like I died inside! I loved him like non other in my life. So I told him, TIME OUT! I wanted time away from him and our relationship and that I didn't think us being friends was going to work. It was hard, in 2 days he called and called finally left a message that he was wrong. NOPE! I told him no way- he hurt me too much. 2 months go by and I tried to move on not letting him gt to me. I was out with friends and he pops up. It ws llike in the moveis, we saw eachother and that's all it took. He told me he couldn't live with out me. Granted he didn't propose that night and I was fine with that. 3 months later he popped the question and we got married 11 months later.

Maybe you should go home for a visist without him, time away for yourself. For you to think about things and give him the time without you. And as far as the deed goes....my name isn't on deed to the house either and I pay part of the house note too amongst other bills. So that to me isn't a big deal. But that "paper" means more that just that, it's a lifestyle. Marraige is a lifestlye, a way of life. And as with all lifestlyes it's not for everybody. I know he "commented" on marriage recently but just how much have you brought this up?? I'm just hoping he's not just telling you what you want to hear.

Myra is right too, you don't seem "happy" with all this bitter feelings inside. And I am so shocked on how many people have waited that long for a proposal. It took me 10 years to even think about getting married again but when I did, I knew it would be the last time and forever.

I say, wait a bit longer, see where it goes. Valentines day is coming up....you never know. Oh! have you ever talked to his family/friends about how you feel and why he is dragging his feet? Maybe they can give you some insite.

 

My honey bought me a NEW car for my Birthday! 

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: 6 years in april and still no ring
Posted: Jan 27, 2009 2:24 PM Go to message in response to: jana297

Dear Jana,

You don't sound all that happy.

I'm in agreement with all the others. Give yourself a private, secret, known-only-to-you deadline. Then, should you go past that deadline without getting engaged, move on.

My personal opinion is that people don't mature all that much more past the approximate age of 25. There is huge maturation between, for example, 15 and 16, but not that much between 25 and 26. If your boyfriend is over the age of 25, then I can't really see how much "ready" he needs to be, if he really wants to get married to you.

Could be he just doesn't want to get married to anyone, or just doesn't want to marry you. Thus, he's never be "ready".

If that's the case, why wait around? You could be single, again, and meeting nice, marriage-minded men.

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