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Sex Help, Please

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WinterWonderlan... Posts : 659 Registered: 8/23/08
Sex Help, Please
Posted: Jan 20, 2009 12:26 AM


Thank you for your advice!


Edited by: WinterWonderlandBride on Jan 24, 2009 9:21 AM

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ecnusbau Posts : 12 Registered: 12/18/08
Re: Sex Help, Please
Posted: Jan 20, 2009 12:47 AM Go to message in response to: WinterWonderlan...

Whether you like it or not, major changes in your sex life can indicate major problems under the surface of your relationship. Not only are you not connecting in that way any more, you no longer feel close you him and you are stressing out because he won't (or can't) help you fix the issue. Unfortunately, the lack of sex sounds like it's causing a big problem in more ways than one, and it needs to be fixed --- I would suggest therapy but since you say that's not an option, I'm not sure what to suggest. Try as you might to fix the problem yourself, if he won't talk to you, your relationship is going to fester itself into an unhappy marriage.

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BrighterThanSun... Posts : 854 Registered: 10/17/08
Re: Sex Help, Please
Posted: Jan 20, 2009 1:08 AM Go to message in response to: ecnusbau

Wow, normally I would just say to really put yourself out there but it seems like you really have.
Could it have something to do with his deployment? Was he different since when he got back?

After he says "yea i'm satisfied with the amount we have had sex this month" have you ever said "well i'm not!" ? Does he realize how much this upsets you?


Personally, stress is not a reason for sex to stop...in fact...I think it's one of the best stress relievers out there.


I think instead of constantly asking him little questions, one night you two need to sit down, maybe have a nice meal and just talk about it. Let him know how upset you are, ask all the questions and try to have him answer them. "I don't know" is not an answer.


I'm sorry that I don't have much advice...that's a really difficult situation that I haven't experienced before...

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Heidibride30 Posts : 1,201 Registered: 4/16/08
Re: Sex Help, Please
Posted: Jan 20, 2009 10:06 AM Go to message in response to: WinterWonderlan...

Wow, you could be me a few months ago. FH and I had a FANTASTIC sex life when we first got together. I spent the night at his place 3 or 4 nights a week and we almost always had sex those nights. Then we moved in together. Almost immediately, it dropped down. Waaaaaaaaaay down. I would tell him that I wasn't satisfied and he would do better for a week or two, and then it would go back down. This went on for a couple years. He always said that he loved me and was attracted to me, he just didn't feel like it. Like your FH, he was not interested in going to counselling. Well, things finally came to a head and I basically told him that if things didn't change I was going to walk. He knew I was serious. We talked and figured out at least part of the problem. Since then, we have not had problems in that arena. I wouldn't say that we're where we were at the beginning, but things are much, much better. And now that we are having sex more, it's like he's remembering how much he enjoys it and the closeness it brings.

Basically, you have to make a choice. Can you live with the way things are? If the answer is no, then you have to be prepared to walk away. My FH decided to work on our issue rather than let me go. Yours might now make the same decision. However, if you do give him an ultimatum, you have to be prepared to back it up. Intimacy is a huge factor in a relationship, and both partners have to be on equal footing. Otherwise, resentment will build and you will not be happy.

 

new_york , september_2009
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HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,300 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: Sex Help, Please
Posted: Jan 20, 2009 11:55 AM Go to message in response to: Heidibride30

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. I have a few thoughts:

First, Heidi makes a good point. Ask yourself if you're willing to live with this for the rest of your life since that's a possibility, and if you're not, ready yourself to walk away.

Second, you say he would never go to counseling, but what about counseling for you? It might give you clarity and support for your next steps to take and how you want to deal with your relationship. If you leave, it will give you a place to work feelings out.

Third, have you looked into a support group for family members/partner of returned vets? I can see that possibly being a big help. I'm assuming they exist.

The fact that your FH isn't even willing to or can't discuss it (or to go beyond "I don't know") is a red flag. It means that he is fine with how things are (which I can't quite believe), or he's not willing (or can't) meet you part way, or he's so out of touch with himself that he can't deal with the situation in a healthy way. It's got to be hard to be a returned vet, but if you're going to marry this man you need to have a partner who's going to meet you at least part way. And if he can't, take steps to take care of yourself.

I know this is hard. I'm so sorry.

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Bride2008 Posts : 3,059 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Sex Help, Please
Posted: Jan 20, 2009 2:14 PM Go to message in response to: WinterWonderlan...

I seriously think that the root of this problem is stemming from his deployment, especially if something major happened. Lord knows what he saw or went through, and he probably has a very difficult time talking about it. If he seems different in general, it is definitely not you. I understand why it is upsetting, but please believe that is probably has nothing to do with you.

My own father went through something similar. He was a NYC firefighter and a first responder on September 11, 2001. After that he was very different from a long time - and it did have an inluence on my parents sex life. I only know this because I overheard him talking about it with my mother. For him, after seeing, hearing and experiencing what he went through, the drive to have sex just wasn't there.

Talk to you FH and not about the problems in your sex life. Tell him you know that the deployment must have been hard, and that if he ever wants to talk about it you are there for him. As hard as this is for you, I doubt its any easier for him. If he is telling you he needs you to wait, that is what you have to try doing. He hasn't been back very long and may not be ready to get into it yet. And I know you hate the idea of counseling, but it may be beneficial for him to go by himself and work through what is on his mind.


Don't make me go Brooklyn on you. I have brass knuckles and I know how to use them.


Edited by: Bride2008 on Jan 20, 2009 2:15 PM

new_york_metro , october_2008
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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: Sex Help, Please
Posted: Jan 20, 2009 2:44 PM Go to message in response to: WinterWonderlan...

I have to agree with Bride2008 here. PTSD can have a HUUUUGE impact on a person. And really, you don't know what happened out there. None of us do. I know a good friend of mine's FH who was overseas twice and he's kinda messed up. And I';m sure its worse for your FH b/c he doesnt wanna talk about it.

I think maybe you need to recommend he speak to a counselor about his unspoken issues with his deployment. I think those issues are MUCH bigger than the sex stuff. And I am sure they go hand in hand.

New Jersey: We have dumps, bays and cement boots and we know how to use 'em

october_2008 , central_new_jersey
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ArtBride Posts : 4,841 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Sex Help, Please
Posted: Jan 20, 2009 2:46 PM Go to message in response to: WinterWonderlan...

I didn't read the other posts, but I think my advice is probably going to be a little different.

First off, realize that this is a TOUGH topic for him to talk about. Men associate their interest and ability to perform with their masculinity. The fact that he is suddenly much less interested in sex is probably mortifying and emasculating.

Secondly, realize that this probably has nothing to do with you. I know it's hard not to take this personally, but it's not that he's specifically uninterested in YOU...he is uninterested in sex, period.

Ok, now to get into it. We have a similar issue, and there's a perfectly logical explanation for it. My hubby has been suffering from depression for about two years now. Trust me...a hormonal issue like that REALLY mess with anyone's sex drive. In fact, the first indications that I had that something wasn't right with him was the decrease in his sex drive and a slight increase in irritability. After that, I started to notice differences in his general attitude, we talked about it, and he went to a doctor, who put him on antidepressants. (Another thing to note - particularly since your FH was deployed - is that PTSD could cause the same problems. DH was going to one doctor who was certain that he suffered from PTSD as well as general depression, since he used to be a cop) The antidepressants lowered his sex drive EVEN FURTHER, which is a challenge for me.

So two things to consider: 1) might he be depressed and you just don't realize it yet? 2) might he already be on antidepressants, and he hasn't told you yet? Men can be totally stupid about this sort of thing...so even if you think he'd never take medication without telling you, he might be thinking 'Depression means weakness. Me strong man. Me no admit weakness.'

Another idea is that this is a totally normal sex-drive fluxuation, and will resolve itself in time. Everybody's sex drive fluxuates sometimes. Or perhaps he's gained weight and doesn't feel sexy. (Yeah, I know that sounds like a woman...you should hear DH, though! He has more self-image issues than I do, most of the time.)

Anyway, my advice is to think on the depression/other hormonal issue question. Be patient with him and try not to take it personally. I know that's tough, especially when YOUR hormones are raging, but you can do it. I'd also recommend NOT having any 'Why don't you want to have sex with me' conversations while you're naked or trying to have sex with him. If you want to talk about it, don't talk in the bedroom and try not to be accusatory, as that will just make him get defensive. We had our most profitable 'out of whack sex drives' conversation during dinner one night. Speak calmly, don't be accusatory, and focus on finding a way to make this temporary situation work out. In our case, we know that DH needs to be on the antidepressants and a side effect is decreased libido - so we have no choice but to deal with it.

Of course, MY sex drive is still normal. At first, the whole situation was very stressful. We were only having sex once or twice a month, and I didn't want to erm, take the situation into my own hands because I was afraid that he'd see it as a slap in the face. When we sat down and talked about it, he told me that he totally understood that I needed some sort of release and that he wouldn't feel bad if I was open about masturbating. He said he didn't mind if I did it in front of him (which can spark his interest, even when he didn't think he was interested!), or he'd be happy to leave the room if I wanted privacy. He even helped me pick out some new toys, and he'll help me play with them when he doesn't feel like having sex. So yes, the situation is not ideal - I can't WAIT until we can get back to our old sex life again - but we make it work. Sure, I have bad days when I get all upset that he doesn't want to have sex, but most of the time, I am rational enough to realize that this has nothing to do with me.

So my advice is to talk calmly with him and work something out. Tell him that you understand that his sex drive is low right now, but yours is not, and you'd like his help/support in coming up with some way that you can enjoy a sex life and get some release between sex. If the issue is less about frequency of orgasms and more about the closeness, explain that. Men don't get that, sometimes. Explain that you understand that he doesn't want sex as frequently now, but that you still need the physical intimacy. Maybe you can make out or cuddle more often. DH needs a reminder sometimes, too!

DaisypathWedding Ticker

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RanAway2Maine Posts : 2,359 Registered: 1/27/08
Re: Sex Help, Please
Posted: Jan 20, 2009 2:59 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

Art-You're amazing! You've got all the bases covered!



july_2008 , new_hampshire
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ArtBride Posts : 4,841 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Sex Help, Please
Posted: Jan 20, 2009 8:53 PM Go to message in response to: RanAway2Maine

Hehe, I told you, LJ...I'm secretly a sex therapist! :)

DaisypathWedding Ticker

july_2008 , new_hampshire
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WinterWonderlan... Posts : 659 Registered: 8/23/08
Re: Sex Help, Please
Posted: Jan 20, 2009 9:01 PM Go to message in response to: RanAway2Maine

Thank you for your advice!


Edited by: WinterWonderlandBride on Jan 24, 2009 9:23 AM

july_2008 , december_2009 , new_hampshire
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MichelleandRob Posts : 195 Registered: 5/12/08
Re: Sex Help, Please
Posted: Jan 20, 2009 10:26 PM Go to message in response to: WinterWonderlan...

Winter, you have already gotten some pretty good advice but I will add my two cents anyway. Many soldiers are suffering from PTSD and they don't even know it. Men and women go overseas and fight for their country and see and endure horrible things that they may never ever talk about fearing that their loved ones will see them differently (even though we assure them we won't).
As for counseling, he may not want to go, but that shouldn't stop you from going ~~ for yourself. A counselor may be able to give you some ideas on how to bring your honey around again. Try and see the base chaplain if they are available as they are very aware of PTSD and know how to treat it. A lot of "civilian" counselors are not as schooled in PTSD as military counselors are.

Don't give up... for better or for worse... not for better and when it gets hard ~ run.


Good luck.

arizona , july_2008 , april_2009 , december_2009 , new_hampshire
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