Children. . . .oh, PLEASE help me!!!!

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adoringbride1009 Posts : 45 Registered: 8/3/08
Re: Children. . . .oh, PLEASE help me!!!!
Posted: Jan 6, 2009 8:54 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Auntofthebride -- This is the only fight we have had over any wedding details. In fact, we agree on everything else, down to the flowers for the pews at the church! We had one fight and one disagreement, which I also said that we worked out in the end. We have come to an understanding on this now, and things are starting to become clearer as we figure out this bump in our road. Just because we have one disagreement does not mean that we are not still going to get married and have a wonderful life together!

Also, my family still somewhat views me as a child. They went to my parents instead of me, which I can understand with my only being 18/19. They are posh people with exceptional taste and grasp of formalities; they just view my young marriage as a bit of a scandal, as well as my not going to college first.

Soon to be his bride,

Rachel 

~~Soulmate. I hope that we grow old together, soulmate. Through the good and bad and even through the heartache. We've got a special bond that'll never break, cuz, darling, you and I are soulmates. In this day and time, the right one's hard to find. That's why I'm holding on to you. Each and every night, when we turn out the light, there's no mistaking that what we have is true.~~

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BirdLover Posts : 2,834 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Children. . . .oh, PLEASE help me!!!!
Posted: Jan 7, 2009 2:40 PM Go to message in response to: adoringbride1009

Honestly, it sounds to me like your main problem with kids at the wedding is that it might ruin your ideal of a "perfect wedding." Obviuosly every bride wants the perfect wedding, but rarely does that happen. Kids or no kids, something will probably go wrong, or not according to plan. Please be prepared for that.

The only thing that really bothers me about your post is when you say that there are many places where it's great to have kids but "formal events such as weddings are not one of them". That is your opinion, but you state it as if it is fact.

Many of us here had formal wedding that DID include children, and had no problems. The way you phrase it seems like some kind of negative judgement against us, as if we were somehow "wrong" by including kids in our wedding. Hopefully that is not what you meant, but that is what it came across to me as.

Lilypie Expecting a baby Ticker

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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Children. . . .oh, PLEASE help me!!!!
Posted: Jan 8, 2009 11:26 AM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

Bird,

That was what annoyed me, or at least, what I noticed. And the insanely derogatory way she described kids. Of course, when someone tells me they are "elegant" or whatever word used, I also assume they are, in fact the opposite or they would not need to tell me. Much like a guy who says he's a "nice" guy. Generaly, IMO, they aren't.

Anyway, wish the OP luck and particularly wish the FH luck. Our wedding was formal, and was almost entirely kids (entire wedding party) and personally, the things they did that WEREN'T stiff and formal were what we loved, and, they somehow managed to get through the reception without burning the place down...huh...go figure. And I"m the one that got mud on my dress....the kids all stayed clean. Or at least, we didn't notice if they were or weren't. So I guess they were.

Since it was our wedding, if anyone in the crowd didn't want them there, I couldn't give a flying fig. And if they commented like the OP's mom did, well, I find it hard to imagine they'd of been invited in the first place so it would have been a non issue. Each bride and groom can plan their weddings with or without kids, and it isn't some person in the crowd whose opinion matters to me.

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adoringbride1009 Posts : 45 Registered: 8/3/08
Re: Children. . . .oh, PLEASE help me!!!!
Posted: Jan 8, 2009 12:56 PM Go to message in response to: cyndi33

Bird and Cydi -- I don't appreciate how you are reading everything I say as a negative thing. Maybe it's just me, but that's how you're coming across. I think you need to go back and re-read one of my more recent posts: I LOVE KIDS!!!! They are fun and sweet with lots of things to offer. I have just had a lot of bad experiences with weddings where children have been invited (not including the younger siblings of the groom/bride/etc.). Maybe I have been so burned by children at weddings that I just don't want something like that happening at my wedding. I'm not asking for perfection; trust me, it's a wedding! Stuff bad and weird happens -- check out YouTube for proof! I understand that! But all I can say is that the children that I particularily worried about are my FH's cousins who are known for their bad and rude behavior at all types of events from family reunions to a high funeral mass.

So please, stop assuming the worst about me!

Soon to be his bride,

Rachel 

~~Soulmate. I hope that we grow old together, soulmate. Through the good and bad and even through the heartache. We've got a special bond that'll never break, cuz, darling, you and I are soulmates. In this day and time, the right one's hard to find. That's why I'm holding on to you. Each and every night, when we turn out the light, there's no mistaking that what we have is true.~~

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<img border="0" src="http://www.weddingcountdown.com/ticker/5bmohb.png" alt="wedding widget" />
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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Children. . . .oh, PLEASE help me!!!!
Posted: Jan 8, 2009 1:03 PM Go to message in response to: adoringbride1009

Personally, I don't care what you choose to do at your wedding, but I hope that your FH also gets to do what he wants to do.

As far as kids at weddings go, that's the thing, you've never been "burned" by them before cause you've had no wedding before. It was not your choice to make nor your place to judge those who chose to include them. (and your posts sure sound like you did and do, and I am one of those brides who chose to include kids at my formal wedding, several of them) Guess what? It was adults that behaved worse and who even showed up wearing jeans. What would your etiquette savvy, or glamorous family, have said about that???

But did that have any affect at all on our day? Nope. Not in the least. We noticed it a month later when we got the pictures back. They looked silly, but they are so who cares.

You don't have to attend weddings that include kids if it's so important. What you call "burned" and what others call "cute" are possibly the same things. Anyway, what made my wedding perfect was that I became DH's wife. I hope you have your perfect wedding, whatever that means, and I hope your FH does as well.


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CaribbeanBride08 Posts : 1,474 Registered: 6/13/07
Re: Children. . . .oh, PLEASE help me!!!!
Posted: Jan 8, 2009 1:42 PM Go to message in response to: adoringbride1009

I haven't read all the responses because I think this got a little heated but wanted to say that I tend to lean more on the no kids side. Perhaps it's because I've never wanted to have kids and don't find their outbursts cute. My niece was like this when she was little and it annoyed the crap out of me. Some people don't mind it and hey, differences are what make the world go around, right? Luckily both my husband and I feel the same way.

This particular instance is quite tricky. FH wants kids there and FW doesn't. The trick is, you have to be able to find a middle ground so that neither end up resentful of the other. If FW agrees to have kids and then the potential outbursts happen, she's going to be resentful. But if FH agrees to no kids, then he's going to be resentful. Only the two of you can determine what that middle ground is. You guys need to talk about it like adults and not get into a knock-down drag-out fight over it.

 

 

Tobi & Brian - April 21, 2008

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ginmal Posts : 396 Registered: 1/11/08
Re: Children. . . .oh, PLEASE help me!!!!
Posted: Jan 8, 2009 3:14 PM Go to message in response to: adoringbride1009

I personally HAD children at my wedding (not many only 3 as I had only a 30 guest wedding) but the olderst child, my daughter, was 5 at the time...youngest my neice was 6 months. They were all wonderful the entire time. But, that said I would not be bothered in the least if I were invited to a "child-free" wedding....so long as it wasn't too far from home and my daughters sitter...(ie my Ma or sister).....That being said.
You sound ridiculous. Like a spolied selfish brat. newsflash...Your FH i.e...THE GROOM wants children at the wedding. this is NOT only your wedding...get over yourself.
Furthermore I find it hilarious that in one sentance you are calling your family "exceptionally sophisticated and elegant" and in the next calling someone elses child names.
Give your FH a bit of say so in HIS wedding......and get over the idea that you will have a perfect wedding. Kids or not no wedding is 100% perfect...

Bless your own day, leave mine alone!Innocent

 

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Nalamienea Posts : 2,924 Registered: 6/13/08
Re: Children. . . .oh, PLEASE help me!!!!
Posted: Jan 8, 2009 4:10 PM Go to message in response to: ginmal

I tend to agree with the OP somewhat. I'm not someone who finds the little outbursts cute either and am not really interested in small children. If they were older, maybe 8 or so, then I think they have the ability to know the consequences of their behavior. Wasn't it someone on the boards who told us the story of the teenage girl who thought it was really cute to sit in the bride's seat and refuse to move? My own sister refused to get changed out of the skankiest WHITE outfit when she was 11 and we were going to my uncle's VERY elegant wedding. I was so not interested in any of this happening at my wedding.

Maybe you could have your FH talk to the parents of the badly behaved children and let the parents know that bad behavior can't be tolerated. Then be sure that you give the little ones a completely seperate room to play in and eat dinner in (with an appointed supervisor) so that they aren't expected to sit still and be quiet while the adults talk adn visit. Then when dancing starts (if that is somethign that you're doing) let them come out and dance with everyone at the end of the night. Oh, and make sure the room is available during the ceremony too... I wouldn't want my wedding vows ruined on video by a screaming kid who doesn't want to sit still.

I know MOST kids are not this way, but if we know the kids already have a history of bad behavior then why are we tempting the children?


IMG_7875.jpg picture by sarahandchris2008

10/26/08 

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Children. . . .oh, PLEASE help me!!!!
Posted: Jan 8, 2009 4:16 PM Go to message in response to: ginmal

Personally, this was a non-issue, as we don't know many people who have kids, so we just invited them all rather than making an issue out of it. The only couple to bring their kids were my BIL and his wife - and I would have shot them if they hadn't brought the nephews. Those kids are a blast!

I like seeing kids at weddings. In my experience, most children realize that the wedding is a 'dress-up party' and behave appropriately. If you know someone's child well enough to include him/her in an invitation, you likely have a good idea about the kid's normal behavior. Why would a wedding turn a normally well-behaved child into a nightmare? It wouldn't. It's the normally-poorly behaved children who act up at weddings...but they also act up EVERYWHERE they go.

Like I said, I like seeing kids at weddings. They get so much more excited about it than adults do. To a kid, a wedding is a magical event - and their enthusiasm is infectuous. Compare this to an average adult guest. Most wish you well, but they may truly be quite cynical about marriage in general. You're not going to get that from a kid, though. Also, they're so HONORED just to be invited. I can't help but to smile every time I think about my then 9-year old nephew's face when I asked him to dance. He was so excited that he got to dance with the bride, and he STILL TALKS ABOUT IT, even though I was just the same silly aunt who plays video games with him, but wearing a pretty dress! I love that something as simple (to me) as dancing with my nephew was such a big deal to him. It's sweet. One more point for kids at weddings: kids are SO MUCH FUN on the dance floor!!!

Anyway, while I generally argue in favor of inviting kids, I understand the dilemma over having so many. First off, the siblings should be invited, regardless of their age. Was that the part that upset your FH so much? Frankly, I'd be upset, too, if someone suggested that I shouldn't invite my younger siblings, regardless of age. Maturity aside, any sibling should be present when their brother or sister gets married. They'll grow up eventually, right? Wouldn't you be upset 30 years from now to look at your photos and NOT see your then-adult BILs and SILs?

About other people's children, I think you need to come to a compromise. Sure, you may have a particular idea in your head of your ideal wedding, but when it comes down to it, this is your FH's wedding, too. Just because he didn't dream about it since he was 5 shouldn't mean that he doesn't get any say in it. A perfect wedding, in my book, reflects the bride AND groom's taste and opinions. He may not care about table settings or flowers, but he clearly feels strongly enough about this to get in a shouting match with the woman he loves. (I'm with MsD - we fought over wedding stuff. It's stressful, and it's super-easy to blow things way out of proportion). Sit down with FH after you've both had time to cool off, and work out a compromise that satisfies both of you. You'll both need to be flexible - there is no right or wrong answer to this, but you should both respect the other's opinion.

I do have a question, though. You mentioned that you'd have ushers monitoring the children's behavior. Will the ushers be monitoring the adults' behavior, too? Will they be throwing people out if they get a little drunk, or if they dance in a style that you don't approve of? I'm asking because I've seen plenty of children who behave better than many adults. My nephews, for example, behaved really well. The younger one ran around and played, and the older one took lots of photos and did some dancing. Towards the end of the night, some of our friends were MUCH more crazy than the kids were. Fine with me - I had a blast, and I'm glad they enjoyed the party. Anyway, I was just wondering whether your ushers would be throwing out badly behaved adults as well as kids, 'cause it doesn't sound like a very fun wedding with the behavior police watching your every move.


DaisypathWedding Ticker

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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Children. . . .oh, PLEASE help me!!!!
Posted: Jan 8, 2009 8:15 PM Go to message in response to: adoringbride1009

Hi Soon2Be:

Don't take it too personally.... this is one of those things that get folks in a tizzy.... the 'children at the wedding' issue. And I can so totally see both sides of it.

I am not inviting any children that either my FH or I do not personally know. Period. I do have a few friends with younger kids, and those kids are not invited...unless they are 13. My biggest dilemma was that I have a friend who will be my photographer. She has two kids and a step. And she's very involved with them (AS SHE SHOULD BE). When it is their weekend for her step, she and her husband focus on all three children and having family time. And they have insured that the children are all with them on the same weekend -- because they are a family. One of her daughters is 13. The other two are 10. And I really didn't want to invite the two 10 years olds (because, quite honestly, the step daughter is reasonably having some issues. What is it with parents who take divorces out on their kids anyway?! A whole other post, sorry) My friend, however, has said that SHE views this as a Date Night for her and her hubby if the girls are with their other parents.... or her hubby will watch all three. She didn't want to just bring the older becasue she'd get bored and start acting up and my friend wants to be able to focus and take pictures. She also knew that she's in it for the night--and the 13 year old might get tired before the reception is over. However, I told her that I would invite all three of them. She was like "oh god no! we already decided the girls weren't coming, even if you invited them" (she knows me too <G>)

My FH and I share our feeling about kids at weddings. You've been to enough weddings to see what they can do -- particularly if there is no discipline. And a lot of times, parents do tend to abdicate parental responsibility when they walk into a place that is 'not home'. Those, to me, are the worst kind of parents--and the reason that kids get a bad name. I know that if I'd been a singing flower girl, my mom would have discretely removed me from the ceremony site. (And depending on my age, I'd have gotten a severe talking to OR an explanation of what was going on. However, at a young age, I knew 'Church Behavior') You may not have experienced it As A Bride, but you did As A Guest--and it was distracting enough to you to make you say something like "NOT AT MY WEDDING!" I don't think that is selfish.

But then, I'm of the 'no young kids' school. I'm not doing flower girl or ring bearer....and not because I don't know young kids. I could find them if I wanted them. I didn't use them the first time I got married either. I didn't even CONSIDER using a flower girl or ring bearer. (considered a flower cat and a ring cat....but I digress)

My point is this: you've tripped into an area where a lot of people have very strong feelings. Please do not take this personally. There are a couple of 'land mine' type discussions: vow renewalls/wedding (from deployed military...got married before hand and having the full shebang after he returns, then calling it a wedding. That's a real fun land mine), kids at the wedding, young brides (engaged at 16 and marrying at 18....is it too young. All depends on perspective). And yes, I do have positions on all of those things -- we all do.

What you're getting here is a sampling of what the family will think. You can test it on us, because quite honestly -- we don't know you...you don't know us. You can afford to offend us a little while you wrap your head around what you REALLY want, what is REALLY bothering you. You can say what you're feeling honestly, and sort out the diplomacy in the posts before you approach the family. For example: you probably figured out that 'elegant' was a trigger word....many think of it as sort of snobby. Probably NOT what you meant at all. So when you discuss this with your FH, you probably won't use said trigger word.

Worlds collide at wedding receptions. Yours sounds like it will have a bit of culture shock from both ends as the style of both of your families may well be quite disparate.

Good luck on this compromise.

Misty

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TickledPeenk Posts : 175 Registered: 7/19/07
Re: Children. . . .oh, PLEASE help me!!!!
Posted: Jan 10, 2009 5:34 AM Go to message in response to: adoringbride1009

Both my FH and I are choosing to really limit children at our wedding. He only has 3 in his family, all first cousins- the oldest is 14 and the other two are 7 and 5. The two younger ones are brothers and are going to be our two ring bearers. (we didn't want to leave one out as both were interested in doing it)


On my side, there are TONS of kids. I have a large Irish family, my dad is one of 6, my mom one of 4, most of my aunts and uncles had lots of kids, and I am near the younger end of the group at 24, so most of my cousins, particularly on my dad's side, are in their 30's and have kids. Even half of my cousins who are younger than me have kids. Pretty much all of them have at least 2. So if we invited all kids, it would be another 20-30 people easy. And we are limited on budget and our venue will only hold 100 tops.

So we decided to draw the line. The only kids will either be immediate family (to us that means first cousin or better) or 12 and older. This will limit it to only the ones we are closest to and help limit our guest list.

It works out that the kids that meet that criteria are all very well behaved, with the exception of my cousin Jamie who will just barely be 2 years old at the wedding. But, my aunt is very attentive and will keep an eye on her and since she is my first cousin, I couldn't imagine not inviting her, especially because one of her siblings is one of our flower girls (she will be 8) and the other 3 are 14, 20 and 26. (yes, my aunt had her 5 kids all 6 years apart, weird, I know)

That was the solution we came to together.

You and your FH will also reach an agreement that you are both happy with. And once you two agree, whatever anyone else thinks about it is their problem.

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PinkHippo Posts : 53 Registered: 11/2/08
Re: Children. . . .oh, PLEASE help me!!!!
Posted: Jan 10, 2009 6:24 AM Go to message in response to: adoringbride1009

HI!

I am gonna have to kind of side with you on this. I do like kids, but at this point in my life they are not for me. My fiance and I are in no way ready for kids right now and have no plans of starting a family soon after we get married. I do like kids, I love babysitting our nephew and playing with kids at family/friends houses but they are just not for me right now. That said I have also had nightmares of kids ruining my wedding. Do they know any better....no they are little and most likely board out of their mind and just want to go have fun. Weddings are not fun for kids, they do not want to sit there and watch a ceramony espically if they got there early and things are running late.

I think a lot of times the diasters are their stupid parents. Please when your kid acts up, pick them up and take them out of the wedding. But parents do not want to do that becuase they do not want to miss anything and want to be there for your special day. So there has to be a compromise. We are talking to the people we know who have children. Suprisinly a lot of them are making alternative plans so they do not bring their kids. My FH sister is getting a babysitter becuase she wants to come and have a good time, dance, have a few drinks and not worry about being out too late becuase she has to check on the kids or worry about leaving early becuase the kids need to go to sleep. Could you just talk to the parents and say hey could you please make sure your kids are on their best behavior and if they do act up please take them out of the ceremony so that we can all enjoy the special moments. Or you could hire a babysitter and let people know one will be provided for them so the kids do not have to attend the ceremony. I have had a few friends find church's with baby friendly rooms. Basically a room with sound proof glass where you can still see and hear the ceramony but if your kid is screaming the rest of the guests can not hear him.

I hope some of those ideas help. You are not alone there are a lot of brides that do not want children at their day. But maybe you can find some middle ground. Let us know how it goes!

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