Commitment Ceremony

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CaribbeanBride08 Posts : 1,474 Registered: 6/13/07
Re: Commitment Ceremony
Posted: Jan 8, 2009 10:16 AM Go to message in response to: Pointer

First off, I want to commend you for being honest to your guests about this. If there are some that choose not to attend, then that is their right, just as it's your right to have a wedding without a marriage. Is it really right for you to question them when you feel it isn't right for them to question you?


With that said, I do have to add myself to the list of people who don't fully understand it - but I'm just a stranger on the internet so who really cares. A year or so ago, we had a woman on here that basically did the same thing as you with the exception that I don't believe she told her guests. Her reasoning for not filing the marriage certificate was for tax purposes so I'm left to assume that that's why you are doing it too. Either that or one of you has horrendous credit and don't want to affect the other. Either way, it's your choice. I don't agree with it but again, I'm just a stranger on the internet so who really cares. AOTB said it perfectly -- you walk in as two single people and you walk out as two single people. Why bother going through the hoopla and the expense?


 

 

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: Commitment Ceremony
Posted: Jan 8, 2009 10:20 AM Go to message in response to: Pointer

In response to your question, you don't have to explain your reasons, to us or anybody else. A simple "I know you don't agree with what we're doing, but this is how we want to do it, and I ask that you respect our decision." should do.

I've heard of others who have done that, and most of the time it was for reasons of symbolic protest. People who insist on having a commitment ceremony, or who insist on a civil union where they are available, as a symbolic protest of the fact that gays cannot get married. (The logic being, their relationships are no different than mine, so my union will be equal to theirs.) But since you didn't give that as a reason, I'm curious.

Perhaps you believe that the state should have no role in marriage? Or is it other, more personal reasons?

Look at Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon. They never married, but have been together for nearly 20 years, and are certainly commited. So clearly you don't need a license. But why do you feel you need a wedding?

Feel free to PM me if you don't want to get into it on the board because you fear you'll be judged. I'm a pretty judgment-free type of person.

__________________________________________
My new favorite website: www.poptimal.com

"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Commitment Ceremony
Posted: Jan 8, 2009 10:21 AM Go to message in response to: bride4life

Dear Bride4L,

"I got married in a Catholic church and they needed to see the legal paper in order to marry us. "

That is easily addressed.

The Roman Catholic priest, like other clergy in some other denominations, is required by church law to conduct only legal-by-church-law marriage ceremonies. In other words, the Catholic priest has to fulfill the state's secular requirements for a marriage as well as the church's canonical law. (I am not Catholic, but am 100% sure about this.)

The same holds true for Episcopal Church clergy. An Episcopal priest may not officiate at a wedding unless the elements of church canons and secular law are met.

Other clergy members are more autonomous. They may be permitted by their denominations to conduct marriage-like ceremonies without actually marrying the couple.

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bride4life Posts : 499 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Commitment Ceremony
Posted: Jan 8, 2009 10:55 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Can the original poster answer my questions and not aunt of the bride?

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FutureLeoBride Posts : 63 Registered: 9/24/08
Re: Commitment Ceremony
Posted: Jan 8, 2009 11:05 AM Go to message in response to: bride4life

Wow B4L... if you only want to speak to OP, maybe you should PM her.



Marriage works because they had a shared sense of humor, mutual respect of an awesome depth, faith that they were brought together by a force greater than themselves and a love so unwavering and pure that it is sacred.
  • Forever Odd by Dean Koontz{color}

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Commitment Ceremony
Posted: Jan 8, 2009 11:14 AM Go to message in response to: bride4life

Why should AOTB (or anyone else who can answer) refrain from answering a question that she knows the answer to? Sure, the OP is the only one who can answer questions about herself, but when you're asking a 'common knowledge' question, why does it matter who answers it? In this case, I would have jumped in and given you the same answer that AOTB did.


DaisypathWedding Ticker

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bride4life Posts : 499 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Commitment Ceremony
Posted: Jan 8, 2009 12:00 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

Because my question was not a common answer question. They were

1. What about a pre-nup?

2. Are you getting married in a church by a pastor, priest, rabbi, etc?

Aunt of the bride can not answer those- the op is the only person to answer the question


aunt of the bride starting giving me the rules of the catholic church...i did not ask for the rules of the catholic church...was wondering if the op was getting married in a church with an officiate.

that is why.

Edited by: bride4life on Jan 8, 2009 12:01 PM

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Commitment Ceremony
Posted: Jan 8, 2009 12:12 PM Go to message in response to: bride4life

Generally, pastors or non-clergy wedding officiants are not permitted to perform a 'non-legal' wedding ceremony. AOTB is right on that. The OP is probably having a friend or family member perform the ceremony. A person certified to perform legal marriages (clergy included) can't do a non-legal wedding.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

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Pointer Posts : 8 Registered: 3/22/08
Re: Commitment Ceremony
Posted: Jan 8, 2009 12:54 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

I really had no intenions to start a big to do about this, I just had a question, and now this. First off to answer the questions. A licensed minister is marrying us, and may do so.(Our ceremony will be outside, with our friends, and family. It is up to the church's to put their laws in to affect in choosing who they may marry. It is not bound by the goverment who may marry whom, that is part of seperation of church and state. However, if you want your marriage to be recongized by the laws of every state in the union, than you must have it signed by the person performing the ceremony, and the seal of the state attached. There is no tax reason, legal, and or family reason we are not doing this, we just don't feel the need. As far as the hoopla, or expenses, it is a celebration of our commitment to one another, just as any traditonal wedding may be. For those that are curious, I appreciate all of the feed back, and wish everyone the best in their futures.

Live life like there is no tomorrow, and love like you never have before.


Edited by: Pointer on Jan 8, 2009 2:51 PM

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Commitment Ceremony
Posted: Jan 8, 2009 2:02 PM Go to message in response to: Pointer

OP - As long as you are honest with everyone then do what you want to do. If you both are sure this is what you want and it will work for you then go for it.

I know you said this wasn't a reason, but in response to a PP who commented that they didn't know of anyone else who had done this - I have at least two couples in my life who would like to be married but are unable to because of health and insurance reasons. One lady is a young lady with an incurable debilitating disease. She is barely able to walk now and has been unable to work for several years, which actually depresses her greatly. If she were to marry the man she loves, she would lose all her insurance through Medicare and Medicaid and she would be uninsured as he would not be able to put her on his medical insurance. They had a commitment ceremony as legally getting married is not an option. I do introduce them as a married couple, because in my heart they are married. And it's not anyone else's business as to why they are or are not married. They are not cheating anyone out of anything and if they were asked, they would explain it to you in a heart beat. I was not at their commitment ceremony, but I would have made every effort to be there if I had been invited.

The other couple is an older couple who have been living together for 20+ years, my aunt and the man I consider my uncle (my favorite uncle to be exact). My aunt has serious mental health issues and is on disability. They were going to get married this past December and did not because she would have lost all her disability and he does not make enough to have her on his insurance with a pre-existing condition. They opted to not do anything, but again, I would have been there in a heartbeat for a commitment ceremony if they had chosen to do so.

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: Commitment Ceremony
Posted: Jan 8, 2009 3:54 PM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

This is one of those conversations/threads that bring up a fascinating issue (to me) about what it means/does not mean to be married.

It makes sense to me to mark your commitment to eachother, particularly where there's kids involved, in some sort of way even when you have no wish to actually get married.

I think what is weird about it is, when you get married, you bind yourself up with someone that requires some sort of process for being unbound. But if you don't get married, you can still just walk away if you wish. I think that's the disconnect here - it seems like there's a difference between being "committed" and being "married," although it's hard to say, beyond a bunch of beneifts, exactly what that difference is.

But whatever that difference is, if the couple doesn't need it, it's hard to say that they have to have it.

__________________________________________
My new favorite website: www.poptimal.com

"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson

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Nalamienea Posts : 2,924 Registered: 6/13/08
Re: Commitment Ceremony
Posted: Jan 8, 2009 3:59 PM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

I'm with Pharm on this one, there are a ton of reasons why someone may decide not to sign legal paperwork. A traditional wedding had nothing to do with taxes and legal documents... it was just to tell your friends and family "hey, we're in love and we're in it for the long haul." You don't need papers to tell people that. I, for one, would have kept quiet becuase it's nobody's business. And who cares if a priest or rabbi or whatever married them? If they want to be united under their god, just not necessarily the law, then that's their business too. It affects you absolutely 0%. If it means that you would get them less of a gift or maybe not consider going to this ceremony at all, then I suppose that's your choice but I would disagree with you as vehemently as you would disagree with me.

Also, I hate that we are again seperating the rights of gay couples and straight couples as something different. "They can becasue they have to have a commitment ceremony. It's not okay for someone who could get married to do that." Pardon me ladies, but that's crap. That's just reverse discrimination! What's okay for one couple should be okay for another one, and I don't care if they are marrying someone of their own sex or not! Why do we have to keep differentiating???


IMG_7875.jpg picture by sarahandchris2008

10/26/08 

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MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: Commitment Ceremony
Posted: Jan 8, 2009 4:23 PM Go to message in response to: Nalamienea

Why do we have to keep differentiating???

Nala, I think some people can only support others who are making choices that they themselves would make. They think like this:

"It's okay for gay couples to have commitment ceremonies only because they don't have the choice to be married. If they were married, they'd be like me.

But if you can get married, and you choose not to, then you are not making a choice to be like me, and therefore, I can't support it."

In their view, the only acceptable norm is marriage, and you should either be seeking one, or trying to get the closest thing to it.

__________________________________________
My new favorite website: www.poptimal.com

"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Commitment Ceremony
Posted: Jan 8, 2009 4:28 PM Go to message in response to: MsDenuninani

MsD - I actually have seen a married couple just walk away too though. I mean, in most states it's exceptionally easy to get a divorce and in the case I'm thinking of, they had a prenup and the house was his so he said Get out. That was pretty much it. They didn't have any joint property even though they were legally married. Yes there was more paperwork involved and lawyers, but it was over in less than 6 months.

Guess I'm just playing devil's advocate on this one. ;-)

Really, my thing is that just because something, aka marriage works for me, doesn't mean it's for everyone. And if someone wants to celebrate their relationship then I'm cool with that. And if someone told me they were having a commitment ceremony and I was invited, it would depend on how close I am to that person, just like it would for a wedding.

Sometimes there are just too many factors that we have no way of understanding. I don't know, that's just how I feel.

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Pointer Posts : 8 Registered: 3/22/08
Re: Commitment Ceremony
Posted: Jan 8, 2009 4:47 PM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

Personally, I think you have the right to say, and think how you feel. As long as you are not hurting someone however, for many this will happen. You are right I could walk away without all of the mess. However, I know that will not happen. Its not every day that you will hear someone say, "they know they have found the man of their dreams." He is my soul mate, my love, my partner, the man that walks at my side, not in front or behind me. He is the one that has held my hand, and my heart for 6 years now, and the one I can't wait to get home to.


Live life like there is no tomorrow, and love like you never have before.

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