Guest list & in law troubles

Online Users: 1,236 guest(s), 3 user(s). Replies: 5


ChrisandKait Posts : 14 Registered: 1/19/08
Guest list & in law troubles
Posted: Dec 30, 2008 4:19 PM

My fiance and I are getting married this July, and we'll have been engaged for a year this January. Way back when, when we first got engaged, we discussed the kind of wedding we wanted. I just wanted a basic, small wedding (read: city hall or some destination, immediate-family-only), but he and everyone else (read: both of sets of parents) wanted something bigger. I come from a large extended family, while his is just a handful. So, to compromise, we decided maybe we'd have him invite as many friends as I have family.

Somehow, his number kept growing, and my shrank down to just family (including all grandparents, cousins, aunts/uncles, etc), and none of my friends. Then the parents joined in, and the list is continuing to grow. I tried to put a cap on it at 150, but that's been shattered. My parents are paying for the entire wedding (save a few things that we, as a couple, are splitting with them ), while his don't have much money and are paying for the rehearsal dinner only. Which is fine, because we understand financial woes.

In an attempt to compromise on the ever-increasing guest list, we hosted an engagement party for our friends and family and friends of family at our apartment clubhouse this past summer. The idea was to hold this party, so we wouldn't have to have a large wedding. The gues list is currently 183, and growing daily.

My mother-in-law-to-be seems to think we need to invite all of her friends and people my fiance knew growing up, but hasn't spoken to in 10+ years. I understand that she wants to share our special day with her friends, but I don't even know half of them, and the ones I do know came to our engagement party. The one that was hosted so that they could celebrate with us in Indiana (where we live) and not have to make the trek out to Western PA (where my parents live and incidentally where the wedding is going to be held).

At this point, there's not much to be done about cutting the guest list, save telling people "no dates" (which my fiance is furious about having to do), but I don't see the reason in putting my parents in the poorhouse just so he and his family can have a super party.

Mostly, I just needed to vent to someone/something that won't tell me that I'm selfish for wanting to cut down the guest list and tell my fiance and his family no.


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Heidibride30 Posts : 1,201 Registered: 4/16/08
Re: Guest list & in law troubles
Posted: Dec 30, 2008 4:28 PM Go to message in response to: ChrisandKait

It's not out of line at all to ask his parents to cut back. If you want to cap it at 150, then each side gets 75. They have some decisions to make. If they want over that, then they need to pay for the extra guests. You are absolutely correct, it is not fair to ask your parents to go broke so his family can invite every person they've ever met.

 

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Guest list & in law troubles
Posted: Dec 30, 2008 7:19 PM Go to message in response to: ChrisandKait

Dear Kait,

The absolute, positive, no-fooling-around cap on the number of guests is what the party hosts are willing to pay for. If your parents are paying, then they can set a guest limit. Each side gets to invite half of that limit.

There are other variations. Some say thirds: one-third the bride's parents, one-third the groom's parents and one-third the couple's choices. That works, too.

But there is no way in hell your parents should have to take out a loan to pay for the friend-of-a-friend of the groom's mother's fifth cousin.

Give them a limit. Tell them to sort their guest list in order of importance. Then, drop those below the cut-off point.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Guest list & in law troubles
Posted: Dec 30, 2008 7:20 PM Go to message in response to: ChrisandKait

Dear Kait,

"In an attempt to compromise on the ever-increasing guest list, we hosted an engagement party for our friends and family and friends of family at our apartment clubhouse this past summer. "

Usually those invited to an engagement party are also invited to the wedding.

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Guest list & in law troubles
Posted: Dec 30, 2008 8:30 PM Go to message in response to: ChrisandKait

At this point, there's not much to be done about cutting the guest list,

And, why would that be? Have you sent out invitations yet? Has everyone been sent a save-the-date? Has your FH or MIL verbally invited everyone in the world?

Unless people have been officially invited (as in mailed an invitation), there's no reason that you can't cut the guest list. It sounds more like you are unwilling/ unable to assert yourself and tell everyone what has to happen. You're not playing with your own money--it's your parents' money, and their budget. You're also allowing yourself to have a wedding that you really don't want because you don't stand up to anyone. You mention "compromise," but your definition of "compromise" is to give everyone else what they want, while cutting out your own family and friends. In a true compromise, everyone gives something, so everyone also benefits.

myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: Guest list & in law troubles
Posted: Dec 31, 2008 10:12 AM Go to message in response to: ChrisandKait

I think if your parents are paying for their meals and the venue then let them invite whoever they want. If they want to blow their money away on all those people then let them be But if you have to pay for those extra people then forget it. Tell them you won't pay for that because it's too much money. I wish I could have a big wedding and invite a lot of people but no one is helping my FH and I pay for it so I have to have a small wedding.
                              


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