Living together?

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XtraOrdinaryGurl Posts : 16 Registered: 12/23/08
Living together?
Posted: Dec 23, 2008 7:16 PM

So first off I must ask... how many of you live with your fiance's? And since you live with them, has he turned less romantic?

I am asking because my FI and I have lived together for almost a year and a half and there is almost no romance. Kind of depressing. It's not like I am asking for the most expensive things, but the anniversaries, birthdays, and even Valentines we have had since we started living together were just like any other day. I ask him to plan something special no matter what it is.

What do I do?

Daisypath Wedding Ticker

Every morning I still wake up and the first thing I want to do is to see your face.-- Gerry to Holly, PS I Love You

So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day.-- Noah to Allie, The Notebook

Edited by: XtraOrdinaryGurl on Dec 23, 2008 7:19 PM

Edited by: XtraOrdinaryGurl on Dec 23, 2008 10:20 PM

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B2B999 Posts : 700 Registered: 12/7/07
Re: Living together?nd r
Posted: Dec 23, 2008 8:56 PM Go to message in response to: XtraOrdinaryGurl

I live with my FH, and have done so for over 2 years now, he is still romantic. Was your FH romantic before you moved in? What are you expecting him to do? My FH shows me he loves me by making me my favorite meals, and snuggling with me at night, and a million tiny things (like renting a girly movie occasionally even though he'd rather rent something with a lot of explosions) and that is what I consider romantic. He will still occasionally take me out on a "date" and that is always nice but really for me it is the day to day little things he does to show me he cares that I consider truly romantic.

I think that people respond to kindness with kindness and romance with romance, so make a special effort to show your FH how much you care about him and I'm sure he will reciprocate in kind, especially if you drop hints that you sometimes miss how things were when you were first starting dating.
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HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,298 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: Living together?nd r
Posted: Dec 23, 2008 10:06 PM Go to message in response to: B2B999

B2B asked a good question. Was he romantic before and then stopped? What's your expectation of "romantic"? Everyone's definition is different. There's at least one poster on these boards who has complained that her husband never plans any romantic weekends and she wishes he would because she's the only one who ever does that in the relationship, but on the other hand it's clear from other things she posts that she feels loved.

My husband is pretty much the way he was before we lived together, and we've been living together more than a year and married for 9 months. He grabs my a**, which I think is romantic, we cuddle all the time, he gives me hand and foot massages, etc. And once in a while he'll pay for dinner at a nice place out of nowhere. He kisses me a lot for no reason. But he doesn't plan romantic weekends, he doesn't leave me mushy notes, and the gifts he gives me on special occasions aren't romantic, with the exception of when he gave me my engagement ring. But I feel like he's really romantic.


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XtraOrdinaryGurl Posts : 16 Registered: 12/23/08
Re: Living together?
Posted: Dec 23, 2008 10:20 PM Go to message in response to: XtraOrdinaryGurl

I think my expectations have been high lately because every special day that has occurred, such as birthdays and our anniversary didn't feel so special. He used to spend more money on me when we first started dating. He knew he wasn't supposed to spend the money he did, but he wanted to make me happy. Now, his idea of
romance has changed from showering me with gifts and being mushy, to
little things like cuddling with me at night, watching a romantic
comedy with me, and making me lunch.



He is a romantic guy, when it comes to the little things, but sometimes I miss it when he goes out and gets me a rose or makes a special day like birthday or anniversary or even Valentines a day out of the ordinary.

Daisypath Wedding Ticker

Every morning I still wake up and the first thing I want to do is to see your face.-- Gerry to Holly, PS I Love You

So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day.-- Noah to Allie, The Notebook


Edited by: XtraOrdinaryGurl on Dec 23, 2008 10:21 PM

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B2B999 Posts : 700 Registered: 12/7/07
Re: Living together?
Posted: Dec 23, 2008 11:15 PM Go to message in response to: XtraOrdinaryGurl

well do you equate romantic = showering you with gifts & spending a lot of money on you? Is that how you want him to spend your money (since now that you live together and definitely once your married then its your combined funds that he's using to shower you with gifts?)

For my birthday this year my FH got some of my closest friends together and we all went to the drive-in & ate pizza, afterwards there were fireworks, it was beautiful. It was one of the best birthdays I've ever had and felt very special. The entire night probably cost $30.00 (including the cost of admission for both of us to the drive-in). He didn't spend a lot of money but it was wonderfully romantic and sweet. Does your FH do things like that?

My FH picks me up flowers from the supermarket every once in a while when he is grocery shopping and they catch his eye, there is rarely a reason, though he does go out of his way to make sure to get me flowers when he knows I've had a crummy day or a really great thing happened at work. They aren't a dozen roses, normally they're whatever the seasonal flower is at that time, but I love them and consider that very romantic. Does your FH do things like that?

You gave a lot of examples of things that your FH is doing for you that you think he considers romantic, if there is something in particular you want from him other than what he is doing - talk to him about it. I think it is normal that as relationships grow and mature things even out, so don't feel like there is something wrong because he isn't doing all those things that he used to do in the beginning, that's normal.
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XtraOrdinaryGurl Posts : 16 Registered: 12/23/08
Re: Living together?
Posted: Dec 24, 2008 12:24 AM Go to message in response to: XtraOrdinaryGurl

Well, I don't want lots of gifts anymore. Sometimes I just wish he would buy those random gifts for my birthday instead of just because he wanted to get me something.
For my birthday this year, he took me out to a chinese place and rented a movie.

And he says he doesnt like buying flowers for special occasions like anniversaries and Valentines because he thinks its over done. But I wish he could do that for me. I love roses and teddy bears.

He gave me a dozen silk roses one time when I was having a bad day, and brought them into my work. He also gave me a silk rose for our anniversary this past year.

BTW it made me think about what romance really should be. He has always been there for me when I needed him and cheered me up, not using his money.
He really is a romantic guy... I just miss the days when he gave me flowers and stuffed animals.





Daisypath Wedding Ticker

Every morning I still wake up and the first thing I want to do is to see your face.-- Gerry to Holly, PS I Love You

So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day.-- Noah to Allie, The Notebook

Edited by: XtraOrdinaryGurl on Dec 24, 2008 12:24 AM

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Living together?
Posted: Dec 24, 2008 12:30 AM Go to message in response to: XtraOrdinaryGurl

Then tell him that. Let him know. It doesn't sound like you are comunicating with him about what you like.

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TigerBride515 Posts : 482 Registered: 10/15/08
Re: Living together?
Posted: Dec 24, 2008 8:30 AM Go to message in response to: PharmToxGirl

I'm confused! You said that he does sweet romantic stuff for you but not on your birthday and that's what you want? I think the reason he doen't go all out on your birthday because that doesn't feel special because it's expected and he feels obligated and some other people are doing stuff for you too on that day. In my opinion doing stuff for your SO on days that it isn't expected is what is romantic.
But maybe I am misunderstanding the problem?

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B2B999 Posts : 700 Registered: 12/7/07
Re: Living together?
Posted: Dec 24, 2008 9:04 AM Go to message in response to: XtraOrdinaryGurl

Okay - I see the issue - he is romantic he just isn't in to the "big" days. I am sure this is because of cost, does your FH tend to be frugal, this is a good thing by the way, but if what you really want is some flowers and the occasional stuffed animal then I say tell him that is what you want. Don't do it right before a holiday, on, or immediately following. But in a week or so when Christmas, Chuanakkah, Kwanzaa, Winter Solstice (or whatever holidays you celebrate this time of year may be) are over mention to him, calmly and without getting riled or upset, how much you appreciated whatever it is that he got you for that holiday (or made you, or the fact that you got to spend time together - whatever). Then talk with him about the holidays and special occasions you've shared in the past, and then ask him what his favorite present you ever got him was - it is possible he won't remember a single present you have ever gotten him, do not get upset by this. Then he'll probably reciprocate the question, and you can tell him what your favorite presents were (don't forget to mention your e-ring since I'm sure that is the one he spent the most on and is the most proud of having gotten you) and mention in there that you also used to love when he would bring you flowers and stuffed animals.
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racegrrl720 Posts : 31 Registered: 4/13/08
Re: Living together?
Posted: Dec 24, 2008 10:48 AM Go to message in response to: B2B999

FH and I have been living together since September. I don't think he's any less romantic... he never really was in the first place, at least if you are talking about remembering anniversaries and bringing me flowers, etc... LOL. I may actually be the less romantic one since we have moved in together. He's been down with a bad back since right after we moved in... had back surgery just about a month ago (at age 23) and hasn't been able to work, obviously, so my income is our only income. So, I am just generally more stressed out than I was before we moved in together, and when I get home from work everyday I'm so beat that I generally just curl up on the couch and watch TV when he wants to go out and do things with me. But it's definitely worth moving in together I think. It's so nice to fall asleep next to him every night and wake up next to him every morning.

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princessbride2010 Posts : 58 Registered: 10/20/08
Re: Living together?
Posted: Dec 24, 2008 12:28 PM Go to message in response to: XtraOrdinaryGurl

My FH and I have lived together for the last 6 months, but I think our situation is a little different from yours. We're both college students so we're really focused (for the most part) on our education, and he was not the most romantic person from the very beginning. IMO things have changed a little bit for us after we were together 4+ years...I guess sometimes he just doesn't think he has to work as hard to impress me or just that he feels like the smallest romantic gesture is enough. I know where you're coming from though...the flowers and stuffed animals were really romantic in the beginning, but I kind of feel like if he makes me dinner after I've been at class since 9am or lets me watch my t.v. show instead of insisting we watch the MNF game I consider that thoughtful...maybe not romantic but for him (and many other men) it means something.

I do agree with everyone else on here as well...talk to him, explain that you miss the little things!

Newly engaged 10-18-08

 

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mrspinky Posts : 3,773 Registered: 3/14/08
Re: Living together?
Posted: Dec 24, 2008 2:56 PM Go to message in response to: XtraOrdinaryGurl

I lived w/ my Hubby before we got married. He is just as romantic if not more than he was than before we got married. I'd say talk to your FI and let him know. It's called communication. I'm sure he had no idea. How is he supposed to know unless you tell him? I'm sure there are things you've stopped doing as well.

Mrs. Pinky


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Our Wedding Website 

My mom: "Xanax - sometimes I will take a half and it really eases tension and keeps me from being less of raving bitch."

My friend: "Alcohol just makes the floor hate me even more."

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JJsWifey08 Posts : 272 Registered: 12/5/08
Re: Living together?
Posted: Dec 24, 2008 4:03 PM Go to message in response to: XtraOrdinaryGurl

Me and DH lived together. he was romantic before he moved in. when he moved in, he became extra romantic. Just today after getting married Thursday he bought me more roses. i dont think hes likely to change if this is his thing.
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Nalamienea Posts : 2,924 Registered: 6/13/08
Re: Living together?
Posted: Dec 25, 2008 2:14 PM Go to message in response to: JJsWifey08

I think that after people get more comfortable in a relationship, it's natural for all the "big bang" to come out of "special" holidays. My first year we were together, my birthday was a huge bash and spending spree extravaganza. He couldn't really afford it then and he can't really afford it now, the difference is now he knows he's got me. hehe I just think that life becomes more practical when you've left the "bubble" that you were living in during the first part of your relationship. He's still super romantic, but just not in the same way. :)


IMG_7875.jpg picture by sarahandchris2008

10/26/08 

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XtraOrdinaryGurl Posts : 16 Registered: 12/23/08
Re: Living together?
Posted: Dec 25, 2008 2:42 PM Go to message in response to: Nalamienea



Nalamienea- Thanks for your advice :) I guess I just miss that stage of our relationship when all my friends tell me about what their boyfriends do for them. But I wouldn't change our relationship at all :)

  Daisypath Wedding Ticker

Every morning I still wake up and the first thing I want to do is to see your face.-- Gerry to Holly, PS I Love You

So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day.-- Noah to Allie, The Notebook

 

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