Going Crazy!

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FutureMrsJacobs Posts : 3 Registered: 12/11/08
Going Crazy!
Posted: Dec 11, 2008 12:42 PM

First of all I would like to say that I just stumbled across this place and I'm so relieved! Reading others stories has already made me feel a bit better... but some advice would be much appreciated...

So, I have been with my BF for three and a half years now, living together for almost two and a half years. We now own a house together... I originally said I didn't want to buy a house with him until we were at least engaged but we happened to stumble across our dream house (and at a great price), so I put aside my misgivings and we bought it. We have now been in the house for over a year and still no ring... we've talked about marriage many times and he assures me it will happen but there is always some reason (spending all the money on the house is the main one).

Two months ago (after a bit too much to drink) we talked about marriage again and he said that I had to stop bringing it up because he wanted it to be a surprise and that it would happen "sooner than you think". So I have not said a thing to him about it in the last two months and still nothing. I'm starting to get worried. I'm now 28 and want to start a family with him soon but he just keeps dragging his feet. What should I do?

I'm starting to drive my friends crazy with this so any outside input would be great!

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TigerBride515 Posts : 482 Registered: 10/15/08
Re: Going Crazy!
Posted: Dec 11, 2008 1:36 PM Go to message in response to: FutureMrsJacobs

First off, I know it's hard to be patient when you are ready to be engaged but that would be My advice. Just be patient with him. He is clearly committed to you if he bought a house with you because in my opinion a mortgage is more serious than a ring. But he probably just wants to surprise you and for it to be romantic and he's having a hard time pulling that off because he knows you're expecting it. My FH did something similar. I was getting anxious so he planned a trip for us and I was completely convinced that he was going to ask when we went away for a few days to the beach but instead he asked me about two weeks before hand. I came home one day and he was in our room waiting for me and we were supposed to go out to dinner so I was trying to hurry him out the door and he was like wait I want to ask you something first. I was in complete shock because I had convinced myself it wasn't going to happen until our trip and when I told FH that he said "that's why I planned the trip. To through you off!"


Sorry for the long rant, I just know what it's like. So again, try to relax and enjoy being with him and it'll probably happen when you least expect it!

Hope this helps!

 

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: Going Crazy!
Posted: Dec 11, 2008 2:32 PM Go to message in response to: FutureMrsJacobs

He didn't say no to marriage so that is good. He just said that he wants it to be a surprise so I think it's best to stop bringing it up. The more you bring it up the longer he will take to give you the ring. I know it's hard to wait but it WILL happen. I have been with my bf for 5 years and I am still waiting for my ring. We have talked about marriage and this Christmas I will finally get my ring! :) Just give it time. So far you guys are on the right track with buying a home together. That is a good sign that he wants to be with you forever :) Goodluck and let us know how it goes.

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FitzMcgee Posts : 13 Registered: 12/11/08
Re: Going Crazy!
Posted: Dec 11, 2008 5:28 PM Go to message in response to: FutureMrsJacobs

From the way you describe it, it sounds like the proposal is right around the corner. It's a guy thing to say "the more you keep bringing it up the longer it'll take". He pretty much wants you to forget about it so he can surprise you. But, since I'm sure you're not able to forget about it, at least put it on the backburner. Go about your life like usual and when he thinks your guard is down, BAM! Proposal :) He wants that element of surprise, so let him have it. And good luck! :D

I'm a newbie learnin' the ropes :D

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Going Crazy!
Posted: Dec 11, 2008 7:17 PM Go to message in response to: FutureMrsJacobs

we've talked about marriage many times and he assures me it will happen but there is always some reason (spending all the money on the house is the main one).

OK, it does sound like he wants to marry you and is planning one of those "surprise" proposals. Nonetheless, you have to decide, in your own mind, how long you're willing to wait and what, if anything, you'll do about it if he doesn't propose within a reasonable time (whatever time that is). Will you bail? Give him an ultimatum? Wait passively until HE thinks the time is right to marry? Continue to beg and plead? It's feally up to you.

As for the money excuse, frankly, that's garbage. A wedding takes two people, a license, an officiant, and a couple of witnesses. Everything else is a piece of jewelry and/or a party. Your financial status basically will not change one iota if you marry. You can flash a diamond and have a big party when and if you can afford it.
myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Going Crazy!
Posted: Dec 12, 2008 10:29 AM Go to message in response to: FutureMrsJacobs

Dear WFE,

"I'm starting to get worried."

Then, start taking some proactive steps.

The first thing I would do would be make up a deadline, privately in my own mind. If he proposes between now and then, and if you still want to marry him, great.

But if nothing happens between now and then, make a pact with yourself as to what you will do. Will you move out? Kick him out? Go to a lawyer to get your house title and mortgage loan in only one name so the other is free of the house obligation?

The only other option is to continue to be worried at 38, 48, 58, etc, if the guy is all talk and no action. Do you want that for your life?

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CheetahAngel Posts : 2,017 Registered: 11/29/08
Re: Going Crazy!
Posted: Dec 12, 2008 10:45 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

MEN! They move soooooo slow at times!!!!!

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FutureMrsJacobs Posts : 3 Registered: 12/11/08
Re: Going Crazy!
Posted: Dec 12, 2008 11:56 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Thanks everyone who posted, I actually do feel better! It's sometimes nice just to vent!

I have thought about the whole "timeline" thing many times but it is really hard to do, I can't actually picture a life without him anymore. I'm just going to hang in there, keep my mouth shut and try and be patient. I think it was his "sooner than you think" comment that threw me for a loop.

Oh, and regarding the money issue, my father has money set aside for the actual wedding and I keep telling him that I would be happy with pretty much any ol' ring. But him and his close friends have this ridiculous competition mindset and they have all been trying to out-do each other with the engagement rings... men! I don't think he'll go overboard like some of his friends but I'm sure he'll be very particular about it.

So, I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a Christmas or New Year's proposal and being very careful not to say anything about rings or weddings. At least the busy holiday season doesn't give me too much time for dwelling on it!

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Going Crazy!
Posted: Dec 12, 2008 12:51 PM Go to message in response to: FutureMrsJacobs

Dear WFE,

That sounds fine. You have a mental "deadline" of sometime during the holidays.

If he proposes during that time, then great.

I can understand that you can't imagine living without him, but try to imagine living year after year with him, but not married. Are you prepared to do that?

***

I have known, in my life, people who are involved with a SO who is always on the "brink" of engagement or marriage. They go year after year, investing more and more time in this person, waiting for them to emerge from adolescence and make the committment.

You need to decide what you want out of life for yourself. Right now you want to marry this guy. Great. But what if he doesn't want to marry anyone? Not even you? What now? It's a heck of a lot harder to find an eligible, marriage-minded man at 38 than it is at 28.

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Going Crazy!
Posted: Dec 12, 2008 3:08 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

AOTB is completely right.

My original question to you was, in part:
"what, if anything, you'll do about it if he doesn't propose within a reasonable time (whatever time that is). Will you bail? Give him an ultimatum? Wait passively until HE thinks the time is right to marry? Continue to beg and plead? It's really up to you."

You seem to have decided on a "reasonable time"--the holidays. And your answer to, "What if it doesn't happen in a reasonable time?" seems to be,"passively wait." If that, truly, is your answer, please review what AOTB is trying to tell you--that women who passively wait can be waiting for a long time. We're trying to encourage you to take charge of your own life and not leave it completely in the hands of another person, no matter how much you love him and can't imagine your life without him. If he loves you the same way and can't imagine his life without YOU, then he's going to want to work out this issue to the satisfaction of BOTH of you (not his friends and their competition!!)

myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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mrspinky Posts : 3,773 Registered: 3/14/08
Re: Going Crazy!
Posted: Dec 12, 2008 4:59 PM Go to message in response to: FutureMrsJacobs

Hey WaitingforEngagement, can I just why you're pushing for a wedding/marriage so badly? I know you said you've been together for 3 and half years now but if you're already living together and have a house together, why PUSH so hard for a wedding you both want to SAVE for? Just wondering.


Mrs. Pinky


Photobucket
Our Wedding Website 

My mom: "Xanax does make you sleepy. it has a sedative effect. sometimes I will take a half and it really eases tension and keeps me from being less of raving bitch."

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VasKocka Posts : 4 Registered: 12/13/08
Re: Going Crazy!
Posted: Dec 13, 2008 7:26 PM Go to message in response to: FutureMrsJacobs

I definitly feel your worries.. my man (going on 2 yrs.)says the same things "I want it to be a surprise... soon..."

I've done my best to keep my mind off it (obviously it's not working) but until he does ask me I've been doing a little bit of broad planning.. like a general area to get married, colors, an idea for the dress.. stuff like that.. to save time on the big planning rush.

The next time you both go over funds... take a mental not of it.. is some missing? if so he might've bought a ring and just hasn't found the right moment..

if you notice you definetly have the funds for a wedding and ring... but are just tired of waiting for him to ask... ask him yourself. I know it's going to feel weird.. but it gets it out there incase he's just too shy.

if that isn't something you feel comfortable doing. you can only wait and count the days..

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FutureLeoBride Posts : 63 Registered: 9/24/08
Re: Going Crazy!
Posted: Dec 16, 2008 12:29 PM Go to message in response to: FutureMrsJacobs

My boyfriend is doing the same thing... he keeps telling me that the more I bring it up, the longer it will be. I don't know why, but guys feel the need to surprise us. I think its kind of silly when you're in the situation we're in (dating a long time, living together), but the ball is in their court. He wants me to forget about it because he thinks that means I'll be surprised, but the reality is that I CAN'T forget about it. I'll just stop talking about it to make him THINK I forgot about it. Enter brides.com message boards. You ladies keep me sane!
Marriage works because they had a shared sense of humor, mutual respect of an awesome
depth, faith that they were brought together by a force greater than themselves and
a love so unwavering and pure that it is sacred.
- Forever Odd by Dean Koontz

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Nalamienea Posts : 2,924 Registered: 6/13/08
Re: Going Crazy!
Posted: Dec 16, 2008 6:51 PM Go to message in response to: FutureLeoBride

I think your man telling you he wants to surprise you, so be quiet about it, is a bunch of bs. LOL He just doesn't want to do it yet and he wants to do it on his terms! I think you ladies who are all ready to be married and waiting on a proposal need to have a SERIOUS talk with your men. Is he ready now to be married? When does he forsee this happening? What's holding him up? It's a new age girls and you don't have to wait around your whole life! :)


IMG_7875.jpg picture by sarahandchris2008

10/26/08 

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FutureMrsJacobs Posts : 3 Registered: 12/11/08
Re: Going Crazy!
Posted: Dec 22, 2008 11:18 AM Go to message in response to: Nalamienea

So, I just wanted to update this.... My wait is now over!!! I am now officially engaged! When I arrived home from work on Friday night there were candles everywhere and flowers on the table. My FH (wow, he is now my FH!!!) commented that dinner wasn't ready yet, I should go have a hot bath to unwind and relax. When I went in to the bathroom there were candles everywhere... after that we had a nice dinner and then watched a Christmas movie while decorating the tree. I finally had to say something so I asked him "what's up? What did I do to deserve all this?" He responded that he knew he'd been stressed out and moody lately and wanted to do something nice for me. I thought it was sweet and didn't think anything else of it. He then let me open a present and it was this nice silky nightgown. I went to try it on and when I came out our song was playing... I walked into the living room and he went down on one knee... and I don't really remember the words he said because I was shaking and freaking out!


Thank you to those who gave their advice. It was appreciated! And to all the girls still waiting, don't give up hope! After all, "good things come to those who wait" as my mother used to say!

I guess I'll have to change my screen name on here now...

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