How Long Is Too Long To Wait For Dad's Blessing? HELP!

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vettechgirl Posts : 2 Registered: 12/9/08
How Long Is Too Long To Wait For Dad's Blessing? HELP!
Posted: Dec 9, 2008 10:56 PM

My situation with my boyfriend and our pending engagement is getting quite complicated, but I'll try to break it down...We started dating almost a year ago (around January 1st, 2008). On Easter, he asked my father for his blessing on our engagement. We knew that it was very early in our relationship to jump into an engagement, but we knew we wanted to be together! My father immediately grabbed my mother, explained the situation to her (they are very old-fashioned), and sat down with us to "discuss". Basically, they told us that my boyfriend is not a strong enough Christian, and therefore they could not bless our engagement, because we need to be "equally yoked" before we are married. Now, we both completely agree with that fact, and have spent the last 9 months talking to my parents and reading books about developing our relationship together in Christ, as well as learning more about our own personal relationships with Christ. Honestly, we have valued the time they made us wait before giving there blessing...

However, now it has been 9 MONTHS!!! My boyfriend has had the ring, bought and payed for, sitting in his lock box, just waiting for the "OK" so it can take its permanent home on my finger. Everyone we talk to about our situation tells us that its sweet that we still want to wait for their blessing, but that it has been long enough for them to make a decision, and that we have every right to move on with our engagement, with or without their blessing.

Now, to make matters even more complicated...I'm 9 weeks pregnant! I haven't told my parents yet, because we were hoping to get their blessing before we told them the news, but now we are coming down to the wire!

Basically, we are looking for advice from the "un-biased" as to whether we should continue waiting, or move on in our lives together. We are more than excited for this child, and are so excited to see what the next year brings us. Any advice would be more than appreciated! Thanks!

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: How Long Is Too Long To Wait For Dad's Blessing? HELP!
Posted: Dec 10, 2008 8:36 AM Go to message in response to: vettechgirl

I might not be much help with this situation, since I don't get the religious subtleties.

Personally, I think one year is a very short time to know one another before getting married...but on the other hand, I wouldn't have waited a single day for anyone's blessing. Why do you want to wait for your Dad's blessing? To keep family peace, or are you really young?

Anyway, this is the way I see it. By waiting to announce your pregnancy until after your Dad has given you his blessing, you're being very dishonest to him. Especially if you think he wouldn't give you his blessing if he knew about the pregnancy. Plus, what's the point in waiting to announce your news? If you think your parents won't approve of you being pregnant before marriage, what's the difference whether they've already given their blessing or not? Couldn't your Dad say, 'Oh, never mind that blessing. I retract that, now that I know you're pregnant before marriage...clearly, NEITHER of you are as religious as I thought you were, given that you're pregnant before marriage.'

Out of curiosity, are you lying to your parents about your level of religious faith? Something just isn't adding up to me, here. If you care as much as your father does about your FH's religion (to the point that you're willing to follow Dad's advice and wait until he's 'equally yoked'), shouldn't you be following your religion on the no-sex-before-marriage issue? It sounds like this isn't as important to you as it is to your Dad...so why are you making it a big deal?

Personally (and I admit that I don't get the religious subtleties, here), I think you're giving your parents too much control over your life. I'd come clean about the pregnancy, come clean about your own religious beliefs, and deal with the consequences.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

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LinzZ Posts : 683 Registered: 12/13/07
Re: How Long Is Too Long To Wait For Dad's Blessing? HELP!
Posted: Dec 10, 2008 10:23 AM Go to message in response to: vettechgirl

I'm with the PP on this one. I'm not religious though, so I also have a hard time understanding how religion would influence such a decision. But, you wanted non biased oppinions from stangers, you've got it!

While my huband did ask my father for his blessing before proposing, my father's answer didn't really matter. My husband and I are adults, we are in love, we want to spend our lives together, we had thought long and hard about our decision, and made a plan for our future. Asking my father was more of a way of officially saying "We are going to do this, are you ok with it?" If my father had said no, we still would have gotten married, we just would have agreed to discuss and possibly work on some of the issues my father thought there were. To relate that to your situation, when your father said you needed to be "equally yoked," we would have said, "ok, we understand your concern. We're going to get engaged, because that can always be canceled and it's what we want, then we'll see what solution there is that we are both comfortable with that you make you feel better about the marriage." You did that minus the engagement. I would now go ahead, get engaged then tell your father, "we're happy, we're comfortable with our relationship, and we are going to get married." I would also tell him at this time that you are pregnant.

I just don't see why you are waiting on your father's approval of your boyfriend's faith. You're pregnant now, you're going to be a mother. Would you want to do that to your child?

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08divabride Posts : 831 Registered: 11/17/07
Re: How Long Is Too Long To Wait For Dad's Blessing? HELP!
Posted: Dec 10, 2008 10:23 AM Go to message in response to: vettechgirl

I know it's probably important to you that you guys have your parent's blessing, but at this point, it's no longer about you and your FH, it's now about your unborn child. By the way congrats on that, we shold be due around the same time!

I think you need to tell your parents you are pregnant, and that you guys are going to get married so that you can provide the best care for your baby together.

If they can't understand that, then oh well, as I stated earlier it is now about the baby.

Good luck and keep us posted!


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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: How Long Is Too Long To Wait For Dad's Blessing? HELP!
Posted: Dec 10, 2008 10:44 AM Go to message in response to: vettechgirl

The short answer: He either gives it when asked for it or he doesn't. You then decide if you're going to proceed without it.

Dad is being an over-controlling jerk who places more importance on his religion than his daughter's happiness. Had he given you his blessing 9 months ago, you probably wouldn't be pregnant out of wedlock. His bad. (Or if you were, it would be REALLY close to your wedding date)

Bottom line: You and your boyfriend need to just sit mom and dad down and say:

"Nine months ago, boyfriend asked you for my hand in marriage. We've waited patiently for your blessing. You've not given it. It's my hand, and I've decided to give it myself, with or without your blessing now. And by the way, you're going to be grandparents."

You are adults. Your dad isn't giving you away like a piece of property. You're NOT chattel or his possession. You are the one who gives yourself to your husband, as he is the one who gives himself to you. It's a formality, but really -- it is to inform the parents of INTENT. Not request their CONSENT.

So tell that boy to get on his knee, hand over the rock, and go announce to your parents that you are engaged!

Misty

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08divabride Posts : 831 Registered: 11/17/07
Re: How Long Is Too Long To Wait For Dad's Blessing? HELP!
Posted: Dec 10, 2008 10:56 AM Go to message in response to: CatStandish

"So tell that boy to get on his knee, hand over the rock, and go announce to your parents that you are engaged!"

CatStandish, you are a mess! LOL I was also cracking up when you said "had dad blessed the marriage nine months ago, you wouldn't be pregnant out of wedlock, his bad".

LMAO at you this morning, but everything you said is right! Go girl!!

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vettechgirl Posts : 2 Registered: 12/9/08
Re: How Long Is Too Long To Wait For Dad's Blessing? HELP!
Posted: Dec 10, 2008 11:28 AM Go to message in response to: 08divabride

Thank you, ladies, for all the advice. I know my parents are very controlling, always have been. It has been a struggle to prove to them that we really know what is best for our lives together, but having heard from you all, thanks for all the encouragement.

As far as not telling my parents about the baby yet, we didn't want it to come across as an ultimatum to get the ring. We wanted their blessing first, before there was even an inkling of a baby in our minds. We believe in showing our love for each other, and believe that God created sex to be enjoyed by those in complete love for each other. My parents just feel a little differently about the situation...oh well!

Again, thanks for all the advice! Trust me, more is always appreciated!

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08divabride Posts : 831 Registered: 11/17/07
Re: How Long Is Too Long To Wait For Dad's Blessing? HELP!
Posted: Dec 10, 2008 1:02 PM Go to message in response to: vettechgirl

Good advice can always be found here!

As far as your parents, your baby should not be an ultimatum for them to give thier blessings. The baby is coming and you are getting married regardless of their blessings or not, right?




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Franko Posts : 128 Registered: 11/15/08
Re: How Long Is Too Long To Wait For Dad's Blessing? HELP!
Posted: Dec 10, 2008 3:06 PM Go to message in response to: 08divabride

come on girl, who needs dads blessing these days, it is old fashioned, do you really need it? Are you so dependent on your dad?

Religion sometiems brings more havoc than good

 

I bought our rings @

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BoysMissLady Posts : 932 Registered: 1/18/07
Re: How Long Is Too Long To Wait For Dad's Blessing? HELP!
Posted: Dec 10, 2008 9:20 PM Go to message in response to: vettechgirl

OP, I understand that you are now with child which certainly changes the situation....but if your father's blessing is important to you then wait for it. I too believe that it is necessary that two people be equally yoked...but those are MY BELIEFS not ones forced on me by my mother. I think before the two of you get married you need to really figure out what your beliefs are. How are you going to raise this child? What values are important to you?

Now on to the being equally yoked, please understand that what your parents are talking about is not a conversation about religion or reading a few books...this is about a relationship with CHRIST. That is not something that happens overnight. This relationship like ALL relationships take time to develop. Take your time. Concentrate on what you are going to do with your baby. Get some independence from your parents. When they see you are maturing and your relationship is more established, then maybe the two of you can look at marriage again. I actually think that the impending new life is exactly what your parents were concerned about.

But whatever you decide, I wish you the best!
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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: How Long Is Too Long To Wait For Dad's Blessing? HELP!
Posted: Dec 11, 2008 8:18 AM Go to message in response to: vettechgirl

As far as not telling my parents about the baby yet, we didn't want it to come across as an ultimatum to get the ring.

Dear, with all due respect, you can't wait much longer on this. Not if you're waiting for their blessing before telling them that you're preggers. Unless your parents are dumb, blind, and never see you, they'll notice before long. My advice is to tell them about the pregnancy - with or without their blessing - BEFORE they notice on their own. You'll probably start to show in another month or two...and it's been nine months already with no sign of them being any closer to giving their blessing. If you don't press the issue NOW, you won't get an answer before you HAVE to tell them you're pregnant.

Here's my advice. Both of you should sit down with your parents. Tell them that you've taken their advice to heart and talked a lot about your religious beliefs. Explain that you're committed to continuing to do so in the future, but that you've decided that you've put off your engagement long enough. Tell them your anticipated wedding date and tell them about the pregnancy.

I'd also be honest about your religious beliefs. Even if they differ only a little from your parents', there's no point in pretending. Your parents seem to be holding you to the standard for their religion...if your beliefs are different, what is the point in playing along with your parents to this extent?

Yes, it will be a tough conversation - perhaps in many different ways. Or your parents might surprise you. Either way, you need to break their control over you. I know you're trying to make them proud/happy about you, but you're giving them too much control. An adult woman who is ready to start her own family NEEDS to know how to say no. Otherwise, your parents will end up controlling your adult life and raising your children. Stop the cycle now, and you'll be much happier! Good luck, and let us know what happens!

DaisypathWedding Ticker

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: How Long Is Too Long To Wait For Dad's Blessing? HELP!
Posted: Dec 13, 2008 7:30 PM Go to message in response to: vettechgirl

Dear VTG,

You want an outside opinion? OK, here's mine: You and FH both need a good kick in the pants.

You say you are so old-fashioned that you are willing to wait 9 months for your parents to bless your engagement, but you are not so old-fashioned that you wait until marriage for sex. That's pretty darn hypocritical, if you ask me.

I'll assume you are an adult, not a 15-year old high school girl, and there is no impediment to getting your getting married, other than your parents' permission.

Then, get married. Tell your parents (figuratively) to go fly a kite. You are taking charge of your own life and doing what you want to do. You want to marry this man, have an already-conceived baby together, and go on to live happily ever after.

Your religious beliefs are your own business, too. Different people have different levels of spiritual need. I say this as a devout Christian myself. I believe that spirtuality is a gift from God, just as is musical talent or sports aptitude. Some just don't have it, and that's OK. Who am I to question what gifts God has or has not given another individual?

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Franko Posts : 128 Registered: 11/15/08
Re: How Long Is Too Long To Wait For Dad's Blessing? HELP!
Posted: Dec 14, 2008 6:44 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

i agree with aunt, I mean in worst case you should just do it, if e will disown you your father aint right for you anyway.

It is hard for me to judge this situation, but i wish you it works out

 

I bought our rings @

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Nalamienea Posts : 2,924 Registered: 6/13/08
Re: How Long Is Too Long To Wait For Dad's Blessing? HELP!
Posted: Dec 14, 2008 9:04 AM Go to message in response to: Franko

Yeah, I really don't have an understand of the religious stuff anyway. The post kind of gives the impression that you're very young. If you are young, then I can understand that you're scared to be on yoru own without parental approval - that's natural. But either way now is the time to summon all your courage and all your life experience because with a baby on the way, it's time to grow up.

I know you're avoiding talking about the baby until he makes a decision because you think it will be detrimental, but I kind of see it the other way. I would think that if they knew that there was a baby they would be encouraging you MORE to get married, given their religious beliefs. They may not be happy about it now, but what parent isn't excited about being a grand parent? Once that baby is here, and they hold it, I would think that most of this isn't going to matter any more. :)


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10/26/08 

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ginmal Posts : 396 Registered: 1/11/08
Re: How Long Is Too Long To Wait For Dad's Blessing? HELP!
Posted: Dec 15, 2008 2:25 PM Go to message in response to: Nalamienea

I personally don't get religion or like it at all even...for reasons lik eyour situation.
I do have to say though I find it damn funny that your BF asked fo ryour father blessing after dating you for ONLY 3-4 months, then you wait NINE months to receive you father blessing becuase in his eyes your BF isn't "christian" enough and you are religious enough to wait 9 months for daddy dearest's permission, but then you get yourself knocked up and your fathers "chrsitian" daughter and "not christian enough" BF are going to have a baby out of wedlock!!!!!!
Sorry I find that hilarious and ironic.
YOu love and want to spend the rest of your life with BF. Then sit your parents down tell then you are engaged and they are also going to be grandparents...you are WANTING to be a wife and ABOUT to be a mother. Grow up. Take the reins of control out of your daddys hands and run your own life. You are (I am assuming) a legal adult...you are wanting so badly to get married, and now you are having a baby. It's time to act like an adult.
Sorry if I came across as harsh, but you asked for unbiased opinions and I find your situation a bit funny and ironic, and I find your dependance on your fathers approval very sad.

Bless your own day, leave mine alone!Innocent

 

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