Registry and showers but eloping?? HELP!!

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Crissy123 Posts : 2 Registered: 4/25/07
Registry and showers but eloping?? HELP!!
Posted: Dec 6, 2008 11:49 PM

Hi all!

Congrats to you all that are waiting for your special day! :)

I am curious if any of you can help me out on this. My fiance' and I are planning on eloping in Hawaii next year but aren't sure about the etiquette on this. Is it ok to send out registry information to people even though we aren't inviting anyone to the wedding? Also, my sister is playing the MOH role and really wants to throw me a wedding and bachelorette shower but I am not sure if I can even do that since we will be eloping!! Please let me know what you all think!!

Thanks!

Crissy

Edited by: Crissy123 on Dec 6, 2008 11:49 PM

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WinterWonderlan... Posts : 658 Registered: 8/23/08
Re: Registry and showers but eloping?? HELP!!
Posted: Dec 7, 2008 8:54 AM Go to message in response to: Crissy123

If you are going to be "eloping" in my opinion, you shouldn't do any of the things you mentioned. However, it also seems to be that you are more having a destination wedding rather than eloping. If you call it that, you have a lot more options for pre wedding activities.

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Registry and showers but eloping?? HELP!!
Posted: Dec 7, 2008 9:21 AM Go to message in response to: Crissy123

As far as etiquette goes, it is NEVER Ok to send people registry information. In your case, you are not inviting anybody to your wedding, so sending them your registry info seems like asking for a gift. In the case of a traditional wedding with many invited guests, sending registry info with your invitations STILL seems like asking for a gift. It makes you look greedy, so etiquette says 'Don't do it.'

So how are people supposed to find out where you're registered? Etiquette says that if they want to know, they will ask. Make sure that your immediate family members and WP know where you're registered, so that they can pass on accurate info when asked. If you have a wedding website, it is Ok to put your registry info on the website. And some people just won't care where you're registered. Some people never purchase gifts from a registry, and some people always give cash. If they want to know, they will ask. It is Ok to tell them if they ask, but the golden etiquette rule on registries is that you should never volunteer the info unless somebody asks you for it.

As far as showers go, etiquette says that you should not invite people to showers who are not invited to the wedding itself. The reason for this is because showers are all about giving the bride presents. If you invite people who are not invited to the wedding, it makes you look like you're so greedy for presents that you had to branch out beyond wedding guests to find enough people to give you the number of gifts that you want. So etiquette says that only guests invited to the wedding should be invited to the shower. Note that this doesn't mean that every single female wedding guest HAS to be invited to the shower.

Of course, destination weddings complicate these traditional etiquette rules. Out of necessity, destination weddings are usually pretty small...but you may have a larger group of family and friends who would like to celebrate with you. I'm unsure of the etiquette in these cases, since I didn't have a destination wedding, but my guess is that etiquette says not to assume that people want to participate. I would proceed slowly. If a lot of people (who know they're not invited to the wedding) start asking about your shower plans, it seems Ok to have a small one. Just don't assume that everybody will want to help/plan/attend. If they offer, great. If not, then skip it.

If I were you, this is what I'd probably do:
1) Have a very small shower and invite only close family members.
2) If your MOH wants to plan a small bachelorette party, invite only your closest friends, but your friends shouldn't be asked to contribute towards it. MOH should foot the bill, especially if the other friends are not invited to the wedding. If the friends offer to contribute, that's fine - but she shouldn't, for example, demand $100 from each person to pay for a limo.
3) Another option is for MOH to host some sort of pre-wedding party that is NOT called a shower. This wouldn't be a gift-giving party, so you could invite whoever you want. Just don't call it a shower, or else people will think that they need to bring gifts.

DaisypathWedding Ticker

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Registry and showers but eloping?? HELP!!
Posted: Dec 7, 2008 9:48 AM Go to message in response to: Crissy123

Dear Crissy,

Wedding presents are customary as reciprocation for the honor of inviting someone to witness your wedding vows. You are not extending that honor to anyone, so why should you send them a gift list?

You can't have it both ways. Either invite people to your wedding or don't expect the gifts.

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Registry and showers but eloping?? HELP!!
Posted: Dec 7, 2008 2:14 PM Go to message in response to: Crissy123

If you want to get sticky about terminology, you are not "eloping." Eloping implies sneaking off to get married. Your marriage is far from a secret. In fact, you want to publicize it, by having everything that goes along with having a wedding---except the wedding reception itself. As was said above, you can't have it both ways.

You CAN have a destination wedding and invite all of the people that you'd invite to the other parties that you want to have. If they're invited, but choose not to attend the destination wedding, then you've done your job, and having a shower is fair. It's even a nice opportunity for people who care to be able to celebrate with you and give you a gift.

HOWEVER, two problems with this idea. (1) If invited, people just might choose to attend, and (2) then you'd have to feed and entertain them. If you really don't want to have anyone but the two of you attending your wedding, then you can't invite anyone else. The result: no invites = no showers or other parties.

myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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Crissy123 Posts : 2 Registered: 4/25/07
Re: Registry and showers but eloping?? HELP!!
Posted: Dec 7, 2008 3:28 PM Go to message in response to: myra

Hey! Thank you so much for your responses on this but I think there are quite a few "grey" areas and it isn't as black and white as most of you all probably think...I should have explained myself better.

First of all, the reason that Patrick and I chose a destination wedding that we will be eloping to is because of our families. We both live in Seattle, wa now but a lot of my family is on the east coast and in Las Vegas which is where I was raised and all of his family, including intermediate, is in New Jersey which is where he is from. Not to mention we are both italian and have HUGE families all of which have told us directly they would pay the airfare and hotel to attend. We did the math and it would be over 250 people that would attend and since we have no help financially (which is ok) we wont be able to afford a wedding ceremony and reception of this size.

Second of all, I didn't know that you had to keep eloping a "secret" and surprise everyone about it! I just thought that eloping meant just the two of you, bride and groom, getting married with no one else invited. So if I am right about this, we are eloping but we have talked to a lot of people in our families about this and they all understand that it would be extremely cheaper and WAY less stress of having a full blown wedding. I would say that we have told about 40 people all together between Patrick and I (close friends and family) about this idea of eloping and they all have asked us to send them the registry information (either via email or in the mail). That is why this question even came up! :) Originally, Patrick and I just assumed to not register as we both thought it would be in bad form since no one else would be attending but since people started asking for it, I thought I would ask on here!

Also, as far as any kind of showers or parties go beforehand they would most def. be very small. Close friends and a few in the family that are local. More of a celebration than a "gift-giving" party. My sister (MOH) was just really upset that she wouldn't be able to plan these things or something so thought I would ask about that for good measure.
Hope that clears a bit up and makes more sense! haha...I don't want you all to think I am just trying to get everything I can out of this....it's not like that at all. We wouldn't even consider the registry if people weren't asking about it.

Thanks!
Crissy

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rqz7 Posts : 27 Registered: 12/2/07
Re: Registry and showers but eloping?? HELP!!
Posted: Dec 7, 2008 6:31 PM Go to message in response to: Crissy123

You could go off and get married by yourselves and then go back and have two smaller receptions, one on each coast. A recepion could just mean cake and punch, or maybe some appetizers or something. It wouldn't have to be expensive. That way you could include everyone. You could also show a video or slideshow with pictures from the ceremony at the receptions.

Edited by: rqz7 on Dec 7, 2008 6:33 PM

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JJsWifey08 Posts : 272 Registered: 12/5/08
Re: Registry and showers but eloping?? HELP!!
Posted: Dec 7, 2008 8:07 PM Go to message in response to: Crissy123

I am sorta eloping I mean my family and of course the people that i knnow and are going to be there know about my wedding but I wanted a initmate thing with just friends and me and him in the JOP's home. I will NOT do the registry thing only because hardly most will be there but those that are going can give gifts if they want. Now I am having a bachelorette party Wednesday with my other friend whos getting married the 23rd. marriage is marriage no matter where youre having it or whos going to be there so why not celebrate that with a get together, a party, or a bachelorette party!!
Photobucket www.weddingcountdown.com

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Registry and showers but eloping?? HELP!!
Posted: Dec 7, 2008 8:30 PM Go to message in response to: Crissy123

Dear Crissy,

Try this:

"Thanks for asking about a registry, but we have decided not to register. Since we are unable to have a party where the entire family is invited, and since we think it strange to register for gifts in expectation that people who are not invited would attend, we are not registering. We would certainly appreciate your best wishes, love and prayers as we move on to this new phase of life."

Question: Round trip tickets Seattle/Honolulu are about $500. Ground costs (hotel meal transport) would be about $300/day, min. So if you go for three days, that's about $1900.

For $1900 you could host a simple reception for those 200+people. You could serve cake, coffee, tea, finger foods and champagne.

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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: Registry and showers but eloping?? HELP!!
Posted: Dec 8, 2008 8:01 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Wow Aunt, I was thinking the same thing.

Kenny and Me Perfect Together,  10 years and counting.

  wedding ticker

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MrsM2009 Posts : 422 Registered: 3/16/08
Re: Registry and showers but eloping?? HELP!!
Posted: Dec 8, 2008 1:06 PM Go to message in response to: kennysoldwife

I second everything that has been said. You are trying to have it both ways here, and you can't. Either you have a DW and don't have pre-wedding events and a registry (and the pps are right, what you are doing is a DW, NOT an elopement), or you have a wedding where you invite people are receive gifts. Take the money you would have spent on the trip to Hawaii and do a simple ceremony and reception in the US! These things do NOT have to cost an arm and a leg.

Another thought I want to throw out there, since you're asking about gifts and we're already doing DW versus local wedding calculations. If you do a DW, you really can't send registry information to people who aren't invited. It just isn't proper. BUT, if you take the same amount of money you would have spent traveling to and staying in Hawaii on a reception (or two receptions) in the states, you CAN register. Then, guess what? Those 250 people who you invite may send you presents. And if even 200 of them spend $25 on you (which is a low estimate based on the weddings I've attended, at least), that's $5,000 worth of money and gifts. Which is more than twice what you would spend for your DW in Hawaii.

Just something to think about. As a caveat, I am NOT saying that you should expect gifts or expect them to be of a certain amount, I'm just saying that based on the way these things typically work, something like this is likely to happen! I am also DEFINITELY not saying that a wedding should be about profit!

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CaribbeanBride08 Posts : 1,474 Registered: 6/13/07
Re: Registry and showers but eloping?? HELP!!
Posted: Dec 8, 2008 1:51 PM Go to message in response to: Crissy123

Yep, you can't have it both ways. Take it from someone who had a DW. We even hosted a catered party at our house a couple months after we returned. I guess you could call it an at-home-reception. Regardless, I felt that because our friends weren't able to make it to our wedding, I certainly wasn't going to register. Tacky, tacky, tacky.


And no, you are not eloping. You're having a DW.
elope
-verb (used without object), eloped, eloping.
1. to run off secretly to be married, usually without the consent or knowledge of one's parents.
2. to run away with a lover.
3. to leave without permission or notification; escape.

 

 

Tobi & Brian - April 21, 2008

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