Non-monogamous couples thread

Online Users: 1,347 guest(s), 3 user(s). Replies: 145


PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Non-monogamous couples thread
Posted: Nov 26, 2008 12:28 PM Go to message in response to: seitzysbride

And as to referencing gay marriage to non-monogamy makes no sense at all. The homosexuals that want to get married, want to get married for the same reasons that we do, whatever those reasons may be. I can relate to two individuals in love, wanting to spend the rest of their lives together, taking vows in front of God and family, pledging their lives to one another. I cannot, however, relate to two people who say they are in love, but want to still have the ability to have sex with whoever they want. You cant have your cake and eat it too.

You are missing the point of the comparison. The point is that a lot of people are against homosexual marriage but then other people have the attitude that it doesn't affect me how they live their lives, so it's a non-issue and they should be allowed to marry, do what they want to do, etc.

What happened to pride?? and personal morals? What happened to loyalty??
I just dont get it...and i never will.

Again, obviously this is against your set of morals - fine that's great for you. But why should it matter what someone else does and how they choose to conduct their relationship.

Artbride - Your hypothetical question - I have no idea what I would say or do. If it came up now, I'd say No, that's not what I signed on for. Twenty years down the road - I don't know. I don't think it's something I can even speculate on.

Reply


kelleyiskelley Posts : 11,590 Registered: 7/2/06
Re: Non-monogamous couples thread
Posted: Nov 26, 2008 12:37 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

Art- I see your point, but I also think there is a HUGE difference between being attracted to other people, and acting on that attraction. To me, of course its natural to be attracted to other people. To find others attractive. Definately. But when I find someone attractive , on the street, an acquaintance, whatever - thats where it ends for me. My mind doesnt jump from that to "Wow Id love to sleep with that guy" or anything else. Honestly. For me, it doesnt. I simply think hes hot and I enjoy looking at him for a moment or two, and I move on.

MrsD you are enjoying picking on me arent you LOL. Its okay - I can take it. I dont believe I ever said anyone should be denied the right to marry. But I still say that for all the many reasons I have given in my many previous posts, its just my opinion that taking part in this type of multi-partner relationship is not healthy in most cases. And I dont really like the comparison of this to gay marriage. I dont think its the same thing. I more relate my reasoning to the comparison I gave earlier of why I dont think people under a certain age should get married. Again - in most cases.

Check out the Wedding Planner Buzz and My Blog @ www.myaislerunner.com

WATCH OUT "Bleight-ers".TEAM KICK-ASS (LittleRoo,Cyclist,MrsFord,OldAmy and Kelley) are going to KICK. YOUR. ASS!!!

"When you're born, you get a free ticket to the Freak Show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat." - R.I.P. George Carlin

  

Reply


ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Non-monogamous couples thread
Posted: Nov 26, 2008 1:11 PM Go to message in response to: kelleyiskelley

Kelley, I think we're just using different words to say pretty much the same thing. My point is that we have natural thoughts about others, but we ignore them because we've chosen to be monogamous.

And I'm reasoning that if monogamy were 'natural,' then it would be easier. If it were natural for us to be sexually exclusive with one person for life, then we wouldn't find others attractive. The fact that we do - and the fact that SO MANY people cheat - tells me that it's not natural to be sexually monogamous.

I do, however, feel that it's natural to focus our attentions on one person (or perhaps on more than one, but a small number, anyway). We naturally form emotional bonds with certain people. Personally, I don't think I'm hard-wired to be able to be emotionally close with many people - just a few. That is totally natural - we all do it, and we tend to marry the person with whom we're the most emotionally intimate. So while I don't know whether we're naturally meant to be sexually exclusive with one person, I think it's VERY natural to be more emotionally intimate with just one person. Maybe it's just me, but I can't open up to anyone else at quite the same degree that I open up to DH. Which is why I married him...but I digress.

I suppose I can also argue that it's natural to link emotional and sexual intimacy. I totally do it, as do most people I know - but I still wonder whether it's 'natural' to do so, as fidelity seems to be difficult for so many people.

So I stand by my opinion that it is not necessarily natural for us to be sexually monogamous, but many of us chose to do so out of love for our partner. My relationship isn't defined by our sex life (though our sex life is certainly a fun part of it!), so I can reasonably understand how others can choose to seperate love and sex and to have a non-monogamous relationship. I still don't think it would work for us, but I can reasonably understand how it can work for others who are able to set a clear boundary between love and sex.


DaisypathWedding Ticker

Reply


MsDenuninani Posts : 3,962 Registered: 3/16/07
Re: Non-monogamous couples thread
Posted: Nov 26, 2008 1:48 PM Go to message in response to: seitzysbride

Kelley, you know I only pick on you wit the utmost love and affection!!

seitzybride, you wrote: The homosexuals that want to get married, want to get married for the same reasons that we do, whatever those reasons may be.

Throughout this tread, I keep thinking of Dan Savage, and if you don't read him, check out his books here: http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_gw?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=dan+savage and copy and paste his blog here: http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Author?oid=259

He's an out and proud gay man who has been all over the media talking about Prop 8 in California and occasionally appears on Bill Maher and I've followed him for at least 10 years. He'd probably tell you that, yes, they do want to get married for the same reasons that you do, but not necessarily to fit into some traditional, conventional attitude abut marriage.

And here's why the open marriage and gay marriage arguments become the same: The reasons that people want look down on them are the same: They want to turn back time to some idealized period where men and women functioned in traditional roles in their households. Dan always tells people who don't worry about gay marriage: After they are done with the gays, they are coming after you next. The same churches that advertised so heavily in California are appalled at all kinds of sexual behaviors, from gay sex to oral sex to premarital sex to non monogamous sex -- and many are still pissed about birth control. This is why I get a little bugged when I hear the phrase conventional marriage because it seems synynomous with traditional marriage -- a kind of fixed idea that goes back to a time that I'm not too anxious to re-visit.

Frankly, if you think about gay culture historically -- particularly gay men -- it hasn't really been a monogamous one. Dan Savage himself has hinted at the fact that he and his partner have an understanding, and they've been together for 15 years and have a son. In fact, many gay people resisted marriage for a long time because they thought it was a restrictive, crappy institution -- one that had impossible expectations and gay people were lucky that they didn't have to worry about it at all. (This is my old women's lit and family law class lectures bubbling up!)

Basically, I think that gay people are fighting for the same opportunities straight people have, but that doesn't mean that given the opportunity, they will make the same choices.

And seriously, again, you should all read Dan Savage!

__________________________________________
My new favorite website: www.poptimal.com

"I'd hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, or insanity, but they've always worked for me." Hunter S. Thompson

Reply


MrsMcCain Posts : 580 Registered: 10/24/07
Re: Non-monogamous couples thread
Posted: Nov 26, 2008 2:14 PM Go to message in response to: Rose217

I have read most of these comments and thought I would throw in my opinion on the topic. I am in agreement with Kelley and Charlotte. I am a pretty open minded person, but this is something that I will never understand, especially for married people. I don't look down on people who participate in this type of lifestyle, but I know that this isn't something that I would be able to handle. I am not the type of person who just loves sex, and I enjoy sex if I care about the person that I am having sex with. Sex is not fun for me if I barely know the individual. Before my DH I did have a few experiences where I didn't know the guy as well as I should have and I slept with them. I don't think that it is healthy to do that, and I don't think that it's healthy to think it's ok to just sleep with someone without having other feelings for them. It is just an intimate and personal thing to do with someone, and especially now that I am married, I could not imagine sharing that side of me with anyone else. I think it would make the intimacy between me and DH not as special and ultimately I think it would ruin our relationship. I do not believe for one second that someone invovled in this type of lifestyle would be 100% ok with their husband messing around with other women. Just the though of my husband kissing another women, touching and being naked with her is enough to drive me mad. It really does make me want to vomit. When I decied to get married it was like I was saying "he is mine and I love him", he is not for sharing. To answer Artbride's question if my DH came to me and proposed this type of lifestyle I would be beyond hurt. I wouldn't be able to comprehend why after being married and spending our lives together that he would feel the need to go elsewhere sexually. I would not be "open" to trying it because I really feel like trying something as deep as this is setting up the relationship for disaster. People who have replied to this thread respond " you have to communicate very well." I honestly would NOT want to hear sexual details about what my husband did the other night with someone else. I am sure that if I was involved sexually with a different man my husband would not want to hear about that. I just don't see how it could work for a long period of time. I know Artbride mentioned a "temporary" situation, I would think that would be worst because after it is all "out of your system", how do you deal with that? It's like saying that you're boring, I need something new and after I "get it out of my system" I can go back to only being with you.
I agree with you Kelley, I think most people get married the reason of committing to that one person. I think people that are involved in non monogamous relationships have other issues in their marriage, and this is just a way for them to deal with it.

Reply


Nalamienea Posts : 2,924 Registered: 6/13/08
Re: Non-monogamous couples thread
Posted: Nov 26, 2008 2:27 PM Go to message in response to: MsDenuninani

I love that this thread is collecting so many intelligent woman. Thank you ALL for sharing your opinions on either side of the question.

I know we've collected some new people who haven't read all the way through ( but believe me, it's worth the read. lol) So I'll re-iterate that my husband and I are completely monogamous. Right now we don't believe that our brand-new (one month today!) marriage could handle the extra set of pressures, nor do we have the time or inclination to explore the complexities of any other arrangement. Are we open to this in the future? Yes, we've both talked about it and neither of us are completely closed to the idea at some undefined point in the future if we think we could handle it. I guess that answers the hypothetical too! :)

I think the comparison, again on a legal level at least, to gay marriage is a valid one. It's a type of marriage outside of the "traditional" definition that the law doesn't permit at this time. I can see however, that married people would have an easier time relating to gay marriage than a Polyamorous marriage becasue the basic composition and sentiments are the same.

On a some-what related note (but kind of a side track too) how do you guys feel about nude beaches and/or resorts? No sex what so ever taking place... just a bunch of nekkid people. Is it something that you guys could do together as a monogamous couple? This is all just so interesting to me! It's just not often enough that people with completely different views of such a controversial issue can come together and talk about how they feel. :)




10/26/08 


 


Reply


kelleyiskelley Posts : 11,590 Registered: 7/2/06
Re: Non-monogamous couples thread
Posted: Nov 26, 2008 2:43 PM Go to message in response to: Nalamienea

Nude Beaches / Resorts: I guess I woudlnt rule it out or have any real objections to it , but I have been to a couple of these types of places before in the past; and to be honest; it did nothing for me. Actually, scratch that. It made me laugh my ass off. Could there be any more OLD as fuck people at these places? Why is it that nudists are 90% people you DONT want to see naked? LOL. I mean really. It was honestly a bunch of sagging old tits, wrinkly balls, and shriveled up penises. By hte way, the male penis does not look attractive when it is not hard and erect. I.e. the "shrinkage" they refer to on Seinfeld LOL. Not hot. At all. So again - I just dont think this is something hubby and I would really enjoy. And even if the people there were very attractive, I dont know. I guess I dont realyl see the purpose of it. You just look at naked people? Why? I think Im a bit odd when it comes to turn ons. Usually things like strippers, [porn, etc just make me LAUGH because I find them so silly. Its hardly ever a turn on for me.

Check out the Wedding Planner Buzz and My Blog @ www.myaislerunner.com

WATCH OUT "Bleight-ers".TEAM KICK-ASS (LittleRoo,Cyclist,MrsFord,OldAmy and Kelley) are going to KICK. YOUR. ASS!!!

"When you're born, you get a free ticket to the Freak Show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat." - R.I.P. George Carlin

  

Reply


ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: Non-monogamous couples thread
Posted: Nov 26, 2008 2:45 PM Go to message in response to: Nalamienea

I'm totally with MsD about not being interested in revisiting a time when traditional marriage and gender roles applied exclusively.

I'm also a big believer that other people's relationships are not my business. I'll use the same sentence about non-monogamous relationships that I use when I argue with people who are against gay marriage or abortion: It's not as if you're REQUIRED to participate. We don't have mandatory abortions, mandatory gay marriage, or mandatory extra-marital sexual encounters. If you chose not to, that's your choice...but why does everyone else need to live by your beliefs?

As to Nala's question about nude beaches/resorts...no, I don't think that's something we could do together as a couple. If we were both in better shape and more comfortable with how we looked naked, maybe it would be a possibility. Also, whenever I think 'nude beach,' I get a TERRIBLE mental picture of all the people who SHOULDN'T visit a nude beach, which completely destroys any interest I might have had in going to one!


DaisypathWedding Ticker

Reply


BirdLover Posts : 2,834 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Non-monogamous couples thread
Posted: Nov 26, 2008 5:58 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

Nalamienea - thanks for answering all of my questions! I appreciate it. One more comment: with the abundance of STDs out there right now...I would advise anyone partaking in this type of lifestyle to INSIST than any potential "extra partners" be tested prior to engaging in sexual acts. Condoms, remember, do NOT protect against all STDs.



As for nude beaches...this may sound odd, but I would have no problem going to a "nude optional" beach (in that, some people would be nude, but you could keep your bathing suit on if you wanted) but I would definitely NOT be nude myself. So basically, I wouldn't be horrified at seeing other people nude (not that I would be staring) but I would so NOT be comfortable myself.


My boobs are way too small for that :P


Lilypie Expecting a baby Ticker

Reply


HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,298 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: Non-monogamous couples thread
Posted: Nov 26, 2008 6:40 PM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

I've been following this thread with a lot of interest and have been really impressed with the level of dialogue. It's all really interesting. I haven't really wanted to respond to anything before now because I basically agree with everybody to some extent, so I don't have anything new to contribute to the monogamy/non-monogamy discussion.

Nala, you didn't surprise me, BTW. You've alluded to non-monogamy on other threads in an open-minded way.

I do have an opinion on public nudity. To me, what you look like and what other people look like is sooooooo not the point. It might be an important part of the experience for other people, esp. for men. But for me it's about the sensuality (note I did not say sexuality) of the experience. Kind of like if you've been used to going swimming in a one-piece for a long time and then start wearing a bikini and now you have direct contact with the water on your midriff instead of having a piece of fabric between you and the water. It's nice.

I went streaking 3 times in college. Of course, it was originally to be silly and rebellious. It was in the middle of Iowa and the college was right next to a golf course that was surrounded by tall evergreen trees. One of the nights we went streaking was the night before graduation day, and there was a higher campus police presence that night, so we got caught. They were really nice about it, though, and just told us that there are a lot of families on campus this weekend so if we wanted to do that kind of thing we should really go out to the golf course since there was nobody there that time of night.

Of course, that defeats the point of streaking, really, but we were a bunch of crunchy-granola types and weren't done with our naked time, so we went to the golf course. It was this beautiful, damp spring night, we were walking throught the groves of evergreen trees, there was a misty fog snaking through the trees, and even though it was damp and foggy, it wasn't cold at all. Walking through all that naked, with nothing between us and the outside air, just felt so good and magical. (There were also both men and women there and none of us were sexually interested in each other. Not that none of us snuck peaks at each other, but that ended up not being the point at all.)

So that was an experience I've never forgotten, and I would looooooovvve to go to a nude beach sometime.

Reply

Beachwed Posts : 782 Registered: 9/19/06
Re: Non-monogamous couples thread
Posted: Nov 26, 2008 10:23 PM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

I'm answering all the hypothetical questions :-) Something about why are we in a monogomous relatinoship if we don't believe they're natural? I don't believe they are natural, I agree with others that it's so easy to look at someone else, to have a simple "what if" thought, any sort of mental questions. But I love the commitment to one man, and we are choosing to stick through everything, thick or thin. It is insane how many people do cheat though, and that makes me think that it may not be a natural thing. And it's not just recent, you read books from history hundreds of years ago, cheating existed, divorce was unacceptable though so the spouses often put up with it. It's only now that we don't put up with cheating.

What if my husband came up to me, after many years of successful marriage, and asked if I'd try out this other lifestyle? I would feel as though I had been punched in the stomach, and I couldn't do it. As open as I am to others living any sort of lifestyle that makes them happy, for me it would make me think that I was no longer fulfilling my husband's needs, and I would be hurt that he couldn't just come talk to me to work on compromises to fulfill each others needs better. I'm not sure if it's because I grew up in a family where my parents are still committed to each other after going through many struggles, but I would be so hurt if my husband came to me with this scenario. Cheating in general would be a dealbreaker for me, and so if he asked my permission to do this and I let him, I would be turning against myself and what I believe as well. I couldn't do it.

Nude beaches? My husband and I were at a resort and right next door was a nude resort. I am still shy naked in front of others, that would be an issue, and then like someone else said, what is with all the old people?! It wouldn't be jealousy that would stop us from going, it would be self-confidence and not wanting to see people my grandparents age wandering around naked :-)

Reply


kelleyiskelley Posts : 11,590 Registered: 7/2/06
Re: Non-monogamous couples thread
Posted: Nov 27, 2008 12:23 AM Go to message in response to: RanAway2Maine

I would just like to point out at this time that the couple of experiences I had in the past attending nude beaches - they were the "nude optional" kind, and I did not take part in the nudity myself. Just had to point that out lol. Im the type of girl who cant even take my towel off in the gym locker room, and I would REALLY appreciate it if other girls would follow the same policy. Yes, its the human body and its beautiful and natural - blah blah blah - I realize that. But that doesnt mean I need to see a close-up of your 65yr old sweaty hairy bush two inches from my damn face. PUT A TOWEL ON for Christs Sakes!!! lol. I hate when women walk around with everything jiggling everywhere totally naked, brushing their hair or putting socks on like its no big deal that their tits are hanging down all over the damn place. Gross. Anyway, that was a tangent, but I guess the point is, for me - seeing naked people walking around or whatever doesnt particularly do anything for me. And I have zero desire to go naked myself in public. No thank you.:)

Check out the Wedding Planner Buzz and My Blog @ www.myaislerunner.com

WATCH OUT "Bleight-ers".TEAM KICK-ASS (LittleRoo,Cyclist,MrsFord,OldAmy and Kelley) are going to KICK. YOUR. ASS!!!

"When you're born, you get a free ticket to the Freak Show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat." - R.I.P. George Carlin

  

 

Reply

Charlotte09 Posts : 1,021 Registered: 2/22/08
Re: Non-monogamous couples thread
Posted: Nov 27, 2008 12:59 AM Go to message in response to: Beachwed

First of all, my opinions are not from any religion because I do not follow one. Non-monogamous couples are not doing anything to harm me, but that does not change the fact that I believe that type of life style is not only not for me, but disgusting for anyone to participate in. I dont agree with sleeping with people just to sleep with people even when you are single, but I do expect more out of committed couples. I think a big part of deciding to get married is knowing that you and your spouse are fully committed to eachother physically and mentally and do not need to run to other people for those connections. Yes, I believe that there are certain connections that should only be experienced between a committed couple. If you want to have those types of connections with different types of people then just be single. People who are married and choose to be non-monogamous might love their spouse, but if your love isnt strong enough to keep the both of you from sleeping with other people then I cannot see why you would get married or be a couple at all.

I am glad that someone else pointed out putting children into the situation. I honestly think that this type of lifestyle while being a parent is boarder line child abuse. Children deserve a parent that is committed to them and not sleeping with multiple partners. I understand that sadly not all children get both parents. But if a child is lucky enough to have both parents in their lives they should see that they are committed to only eachother, otherwise who knows what kind of confused ideas that child will end up having towards sex and relationships. The parents could be honest about the situation and explain everything in a sugar coated way, but I dont believe that will change anything. Why would you wait to raise a child who could develope commitment issues because mom and dad have to run around having sex with different people. Without question it is a lifestyle choice that cannot involve children. Rasing children is too delecate as it is, one wrong move could harm a childs behavior for life. Rasing one while being non-monogamous with your spouse is asking for trouble right from the start.

Reply


BirdLover Posts : 2,834 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Non-monogamous couples thread
Posted: Nov 27, 2008 4:24 PM Go to message in response to: Charlotte09

I think calling it child abuse is WAY over the top, personally...and I am the one who brought up the whole children thing. So, if two people split up because of adultery, should the parent who strayed not be allowed to see their child?

Personally, I feel that when you are a parent, you put the child first. If you are able to lead this lifestyle and still put your children first (not exposing them to it when they're young, not letting it affect your marriage) then I am more open to it.

I still see it more as a thing that people with no kids do, although I can't really say why....?

Lilypie Expecting a baby Ticker

Reply


Nalamienea Posts : 2,924 Registered: 6/13/08
Re: Non-monogamous couples thread
Posted: Nov 27, 2008 7:55 PM Go to message in response to: BirdLover

birdlover - I'm with you. Calling it child abuse because a parent doesn't indoctrinate their children with your beliefs is WAY over the top. I agree too that I have a pre-conceived notion that this life is mostly for people who don't have children. Maybe we're just thinking that no children would mean people have extra energy. hehe Here's a website of a couple who have children and carry on a polyamorous lifestyle. http://thegooseandgander.blogspot.com/ It's not a terribly active website much anymore, but with a little searching I'm sure we could find how they handled the situation. I know they had a very close third person - a woman - as part of their relatiionship for a long time. The children were very close to her too. If I'm remembering correctly the children were too young to understand the sexual compoenent but I'm sure they knew that their parents and this woman were very involved after a number of sleep-overs and such. I just really don't know about much at all about this part of the subject.




10/26/08 


 


Reply
RSS

Thank You
for Signing Up!

Check your e-mail inbox for the latest updates from brides.com

Give a Subscription to Brides Magazine as a Gift
Subscribe to Brides magazine