I regret you had such a bad experience with your wedding photographer. We all have bad days. However as a professional your photographer should have done her best to... well be professional. There are times when a photographer has to take control of a situation. But there is a right way and a wrong way to do that. Unfortunately, it seems your photographer did it the wrong way.
Meanwhile, I can see and understand your photographer's point about being served a mean comparable to the guests. I've been served soggy BLT sandwiches without chips at one of Chicago's most prestigious country clubs. My contract states a hot meal. After working for hours, I'd like to refuel so I can continue to give my clients the best I can. I'm just as happy with a burger/fries as I am with a guest meal. But due to my style of photography, I do ask to be seated in the same room as the guests. This way I'm able to capture any moments that might occur during the meal. And yes, I do take a bit or two during cocktail hour -- while I'm still taking photos.
Next, vendor arguments/heated discussions should never take place where either the clients or guests can see the disagreement. After all, we are all on the same team, the team formed for the special day. Last night I worked with my favorite videographer. You'd think we worked for the same company the way we support each other. I got distracted by a bridesmaid wanting a photo. Unknown to me, the bride decided to put her garter on. Jen saved my bacon! That's why I love working with her.
Finally, you raise a great point. You MUST absolutely meet the photographer/videographer/dj who will be at your wedding. Even if they are the nicest people in the world, there are times when two people just don't click. I can't speak for other photographers, but I'm interviewing a client as much as they are interviewing me. If I sense there might not be a good fit, all parties are best served by bringing it out in the open and then deciding how to proceed. Once again, I regret you day was troubled by your photographer's behavior. Please let me know if there is any way I can assist you.
Howard Kier, Certified Professional Wedding Photographer
Magical Moments Photography