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What was your name-change (or not) experience?

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HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,300 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: What was your name-change (or not) experience?
Posted: Nov 13, 2008 5:09 PM Go to message in response to: Thepalchers

Thepalchers--Is your husband's last name Palcher? One thing I would think about in your case is the length of your hyphenated last name. If it's Hollywood-Palcher, that's a lot of syllables for people to say, and eventually people might just start calling you Mrs. Palcher unless you're emphatic and remind people about the hyphenation. Even then, it's still a lot of syllables for people to say. I think hyphenation works out the best for people who only have a combined total of 3, maybe 4 syllables MAX.

I really wanted to hyphenate, but I only considered it for about one second because I didn't want to torture anyone (including myself) with a six-syllable name.

I say this because in the end you may have to go ahead and decide which name you want more--your husband's or yours. And I'd like to emphasize that you should do what feels most right to you, IMO, and not do something just b/c it will make other people happy. If your FH doesn't already know all your reasons for wanting you maiden name in there somewhere, you should really explain those to him at some point. Assuming he values your thoughts, your reasons for possibly keeping the name in some form should hold some value for him.

If you decide not to keep it, maybe you could give it to one of your kids as a middle name. We might do that.


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HLYflute Posts : 1,283 Registered: 2/5/07
Re: What was your name-change (or not) experience?
Posted: Nov 13, 2008 5:35 PM Go to message in response to: HappyGirl13

I'm glad I'm not the only one dragging my feet!  I've been married almost a year and a half and I still haven't changed my name.  However, I use my married name both socially and at work.  Why?  Because I'd rather be called Mrs. Marriedname and Ms. Maidenname. I'm a teacher so I'm always called by my title and last name at work.  I have every intention of changing it legally... just seems like such a hassle!  I started putting it off because of some trips I had booked in my maiden name and just never filed the paperwork.

Also, my maiden name has only 5 letters, while my husband's last name has 9!  I don't like signing my married name. I also feel like once I change it, my old self will cease to exist... like I'm holding on to that last little bit of my youth or something, I don't know.

But yeah, it's a little confusing.  I really could care less which name people call me by though.  Most people at work know both my names and understand.  The secretary said another teacher in the school got married a while ago and took 3 years to change hers!  I really think I might change mine soon though... just have to get the guts to put the paperwork in the mail!

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ArtBride Posts : 4,841 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: What was your name-change (or not) experience?
Posted: Nov 13, 2008 6:01 PM Go to message in response to: HLYflute

Happy, I'm totally with you in the too-many syllables thing. I never thought it would be an issue for me until I started answering my phone as ArtBride Maiden-Married. Maybe I'm just super-lazy, but it was a real pain to say all three - AND MY HYPHENATED NAME WAS ONLY THREE SYLLABLES. That's not THAT long...but I was still too lazy to say it all, so I kept leaving off his name, which was second in my hypothetical hyphenated name. That may be just me - but I thought I was pretty adamant about wanting it hyphenated and I STILL didn't like saying it all!

I use 'Ms' as my title for work. Actually, I never refer to myself with any title, but I'm required to have one on my email display name. I wonder if I'm the only one who feels this way, or maybe it's a generational thing...but I feel like 'Mrs' is a social title and has no business in a workplace. Maybe it's just me, but I prefer the more neutral 'Ms' for work, since I have to have a title on my display name. I'm totally changing it to 'Dr' when I finish my PhD. (Of course, it's different for teachers, like HLY mentioned. I'd probably be Ok with Mrs if I was a teacher)


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JackieB0129 Posts : 498 Registered: 4/24/07
Re: What was your name-change (or not) experience?
Posted: Nov 13, 2008 6:39 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

I would love to actually be able to answer this question with examples but it's been a month and I STILL don't have my marriage licence.  My minister (who is also my cousin) forgot to mail the licence and then when the courthouse finally got it they found out that it wasn't even filled out correctly.  So...

I've been putting a lot of thought into my name change.  Before I got married I was all gung ho about taking DH's last night and just doing First Maiden Married but now i'm not too sure.  I have people in my life that call me by my first and middle names so now i'm leaning towards having 4 names.  First, Middle, Maiden, Married.  I'm not planning on people calling me by all four but I figured if everything was on my bank accounts and what not then no one would be confused.


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HLYflute Posts : 1,283 Registered: 2/5/07
Re: What was your name-change (or not) experience?
Posted: Nov 13, 2008 6:41 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

I agree Artbride.  I'd be fine using Ms. if it wasn't something that people had to call me all day.  I've just never liked the way it sounds.

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MrsWilliams2008 Posts : 1,431 Registered: 7/19/07
Re: What was your name-change (or not) experience?
Posted: Nov 13, 2008 7:05 PM Go to message in response to: Thepalchers

I honestly didn't have the problem I THOUGHT I was. Legally,  my name is now first middle married. On my driver's license it's first maiden, married. On our bank accounts it's first maiden married. The reason I left if like that was because I still have people that write me checks in my maiden name and I also STILL have (and write on) "old" checks that have only my maiden name.

At work, when i get overhead pages in my married and maiden name... I answer to it all

My professional license has been changed to reflect my married name

On email outlook, my name is still under my maiden name but people have no trouble finding me.

Long story short, I have had no issues with changing my name


                         Poster Formerly Known as beauti381

http://www.theknot.com/ourwedding/RyAnne Stafford&RobertWilliams, Jr

                              Happily Married since June 21, 2008

                              Happy Together since June 20, 1994

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,357 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: What was your name-change (or not) experience?
Posted: Nov 13, 2008 7:15 PM Go to message in response to: HappyGirl13

Dear HG,

" And I'd like to emphasize that you should do what feels most right to you, IMO, and not do something just b/c it will make other people happy."

I agree 100%.

It's your name, your decision.

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BenjaminsWife Posts : 1,069 Registered: 1/11/07
Re: What was your name-change (or not) experience?
Posted: Nov 13, 2008 7:53 PM Go to message in response to: MrsWilliams2008

I am in process of doing the whole name change thing and it is a big hassle. I am waiting for it to be over.

I really debated wether or not to change my name and i didnt want to spend the rest of my life with a different last name from my husband.

So i just did it before I could talk my self out of it.

I only have a million more calls to make though.


Just Married...9.20.08

Formerly BenjaminsBride 

 

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hellokitty4ever Posts : 744 Registered: 6/6/07
Re: What was your name-change (or not) experience?
Posted: Nov 13, 2008 9:34 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

I have had friends drop their middle names, and in turn, replace it with their maiden names and take on their husbands' surnames and they never had a problem.  Maybe your HR at work are idiots (just a thought). 

I wrestled with the name change issue quite a bit.  I love my husband, but wasn't too sure about taking on his name.  He didn't care either way.  I thought about adding his name to my last name without the hyphenation so that I would essentially be able to use 2 last names.  Essentially, I just added my maiden name to my middle name and took on my hubby's last name, so it looks like this:  First   Middle   Middle   Last.  My friend chose to do it like this:  First   Middle   Last   Last.  She chose not to hyphenate.  Either way, it worked for the both of us. 

I'm a teacher also and felt that my marital status has no place in the workplace, so post marriage, I still go by Ms.  I feel as though if men can go by Mr. without any indication of their marital status, then I should be able to do the same....and that's why I go by Ms.  Besides, it's one less letter I have to write on the hall passes.  Also, Mrs. makes me feel very matronly and old...I don't like it one bit.  But, it really is a personal preference.



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CatStandish Posts : 2,767 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: What was your name-change (or not) experience?
Posted: Nov 13, 2008 10:32 PM Go to message in response to: hellokitty4ever

My issue is QUITE opposite from many of yours.  I don't WANT to lose my middle name.  Alabama used to automatically change women to First Maiden Married.  I am hoping it is no longer the case, because I will fight for my middle name.  I will take my FH's last name.  

This is my second marriage -- but the first time I didn't take his name.  I had lots of reasons, but the bottom line was I did not want to do so.    My mom never respected it...so I would get mail from her with my X's last name.  And we filed joint tax returns, and Alabama did not have a place for the last name of the spouse.   So I had no choice but to file in his last name -- though it was not my legal name.

For FH though,  I do want to take his last name.  People have already asked me what my name will be -- and I've told them his. 

I considered hyphenating,  But I'm two syllables and he's three--that makes five.  And BOTH of them are unusual names.  I already have to spell out mine.  I don't want to go through spelling the 17 letters of our last names combined.  (shudder)

Why keep my middle?  I was named after my mom's grandmother, with whom she was close.  I did actually get to meet her, but she died when I was 11--so I didn't know her that well...but well enough to know I was her namesake.

Not only that... my last name is my father's.  My first and my middle are mine.   My new last name is my FH's.   I just didn't want two of my names to be men's.... and only one to be me.

(That being said.... I gave serious thought to changing ALL of them at once.... first, middle AND last.  But decided that might be more of a pain than it was worth <G>.   But that was on the table for about a month.)

 


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hellokitty4ever Posts : 744 Registered: 6/6/07
Re: What was your name-change (or not) experience?
Posted: Nov 13, 2008 10:50 PM Go to message in response to: CatStandish

Cat, that is so odd that Alabama does that.

For me, I wanted to keep all my names, not only for professional reasons, but also because I am super proud of my cultural background and dropping my last name altogether was equivalent to losing a part of myself. 

Do you know anyone who has been recently married in your home state?  Maybe you can get some info from them?  That would suck if you had to jump through hoops just to get your name the way you want it.



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cyadi83 Posts : 68 Registered: 7/18/08
Re: What was your name-change (or not) experience?
Posted: Nov 14, 2008 1:40 AM Go to message in response to: hellokitty4ever

Wow. I'm glad I'm not going to have this problem. I never even considered taking on FH's last name.

I agree with hellokitty...it's like losing a part of myself. Like losing my identity...who I am. I figured that it's just an old fashioned custom. Shoot, if men don't have to do it why should women?

But, like many of you have said. It's totally a matter of personal choice. I totally respect women who want to take on their husband's last names. That's just how it's been done for centuries, right.

The only thing that sucks about keeping my maiden name is that a lot of the women in my family (especially on his side of the family) don't get it. They consider it being rebellious or simply not being proud of being his wife. What a hoot.

I just feel that getting married isn't going to change me as an individual. I'm still me. So why should my name change. I'm just lucky that I have a man that has completely supported my personal choices. He understands that not having his last name doesn't mean I love him any less.

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Thepalchers Posts : 146 Registered: 8/23/08
Re: What was your name-change (or not) experience?
Posted: Nov 14, 2008 9:12 AM Go to message in response to: HappyGirl13

I mean just for legal documents and such. I don't mind being called Mrs. Palcher, I just want to still have Hollywood in my last name legally. I have a hyphenated first name 1st: 2 syllables 2nd 1st name: 4 syllables so I've grown quite used to people shortening a name for ease of use lol. However, that is a good point Happy, I didn't really think about that. Also, since you mentioned that, I think it will be a lot easier for me to explain why I want to do that.

 


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DCTexan Posts : 170 Registered: 10/24/07
Re: What was your name-change (or not) experience?
Posted: Nov 14, 2008 12:43 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

Wow.  Artbride, you and I have had such different experiences on this issue.  I changed my name to First Maiden NewLast and have not had any problems at all.  Everyone seems to understand how it works.  I go by First NewLast name and sign all of my professional documents with my Maiden name too.  It has all been really easy for me.  Sorry you've had so many problems.

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BirdLover Posts : 2,835 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: What was your name-change (or not) experience?
Posted: Nov 14, 2008 10:14 PM Go to message in response to: DCTexan

"Wow. I'm glad I'm not going to have this problem. I never even considered taking on FH's last name"

This is exactly how I felt.

I don't know if I thought I'd be losing a part of myself, per se.  I just thought "I already have a name.  I like it.  I don't need a new one".  It's not a feminist stance, or me trying to be picky (which seems to be what people think), I just never had any desire to, and I tend to not do things just because I am told I'm "supposed to".

I completely and totally understand why many women do change their last name, and if that's what you want, that's great!

I will say that I have had quite a few friends who said that they would "for sure" changed their last name, then once they got married, they never got around to it.  So maybe I won't end up being the odd one out after all!

I would say that if you plan to have kids, now is the time to talk about how you might name them.  If you want to hyphenate, fine (don't let people tell you that hyphenating is stupid - it's none of their business).  I personally am OK with our kids having my husband's last name, so that is what we are doing.

How has my experience been?  Mostly fine. I've had the odd person accuse me of not really loving my husband, or saying I'm weird, but overall, people pretty much don't seem to care either way.


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