In laws in the way

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LealLove Posts : 4 Registered: 2/27/08
In laws in the way
Posted: Oct 17, 2008 11:57 PM

Okay to sum up my relationship and the current status, military. He's in the air force. So we planned on getting married next july 4th, we talked one day and before he left of course, about moving the date up, well so I can be on his orders and be able to live with him, we moved the date up to Dec 27th of this year. I told his parents and they were flipping out saying that we shouldn't get married too quickly, it's been almost a year of being engaged and known each other for 3 years. They said that we shouldn't be we don't know where he's going to be stationed at and if he's over seas he doesn't need to be married and worry about me. He's going to do that anyways. So I've already made the plans talked to the caterers and have everything rolling, and now I have this 10 foot wall in front of me. They keep comming up with the stupidest reasons for us not to get married. Like, oh you're not ready, Oh you shouldn't rush into it, oh you should at least have 10 grand in the bank, god forbid if anything happened to him over seas you dont want to be a widow. etc. etc. They just won't let him go and yet they've yelled at him and pushed him away his entire life! What do I do? Do I say screw the wedding and do like they say and post-pon it? Or do I say screw them and cause drama with the inlaws? I'm going through RCIA and turning my back on my religion i was brought up in for these ppl and I'm keeping up with all of his important information and bank accounts and everything, just like a wife is suppose to do.... and yet i get no thanks... what do I do?

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CountryPrincess Posts : 673 Registered: 9/25/08
Re: In laws in the way
Posted: Oct 18, 2008 1:10 AM Go to message in response to: LealLove

screw the inlaws. all the reasons they are giving are BS. FH should talk to them and see what the REAL issue is. I don't know if he's able to do that or not if he's stationed somewhere right now. If you're going to play the role of a military wife and get all the crap that comes with it then you may as well get the benefits too! If the people that matter most to the two of you (you mentioned his parents shoving him away his whole life) and your vendors are ok with this decision then go for it.

"I don't care how much it hurts. I don't care if its a brick wall disaster. I'd rather fight with you everday than be happy for one second with anyone else." <3

Kevin & Mari: 11/09/06 to Forever.

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Nalamienea Posts : 2,924 Registered: 6/13/08
Re: In laws in the way
Posted: Oct 18, 2008 5:54 AM Go to message in response to: CountryPrincess

oh lord. *eyes roll*  You need to get your FH on them right away and put them in your place!  If he's going to be stationed somewhere crazy of COURSE you want to be with him! And for heavens sake, if he does die it's not like it's going to hurt any less if you aren't his "widow" you'll get the benefits of that too! I'm not saying it's about money for geez, it's not like if he does you'll be saying "at least I'm not a widow!"

His parents have some serious issues with something, but I say keep your current day in december and if the show must go on without the parents, then that's sad but so be it.  You guys are adults. 


http://www.chrisandsarah2008.net

 

wedding ticker

 


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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: In laws in the way
Posted: Oct 18, 2008 8:54 AM Go to message in response to: LealLove

He should have a talk with his parents and let them know you two have decided to start your lives together and there is nothing they can do about that.  They also have some valid points there are some places he could be stationed that you won't be able to go even if you are married.  Some tours of duty are short and family can not go.  That is no reason not to get married it is just something to think about.  If he is sent somewhere on a short tour you will not be able to go, even as his wife you will still be at home.  I also think the having some money in the bank is a good plan too.  I met several wives who were stationed over seas that got homesick or needed to go home and were not able to do it when they needed to because of limited finances.  Again not a reason not to get married just something to think about.  I was in the Air Force so I am speaking from experience.

Kenny and Me Perfect Together,  10 years and counting.



 

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: In laws in the way
Posted: Oct 18, 2008 10:10 AM Go to message in response to: LealLove

Dear Leal,

I don't think there's anything wrong with people who care about you bringing up various things you need to think about before getting married.

Once they've brought it up, and you've thought about it, then any continuing talk on the same subject becomes less like thoughtful suggestions and more like nagging.

"We have taken that into consideration, thank you for your concern."

Then, move on and have a nice wedding as you planned.

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FutureMrsStasik... Posts : 49 Registered: 8/27/08
Re: In laws in the way
Posted: Oct 18, 2008 3:25 PM Go to message in response to: LealLove

I didnt read other peoples post but... My FH used to be in the Air Force but got an Honorable Discharge before we started planning.. But I know a little bit about how it works so I can give you a little advice i guess.. You can go anywhere with him overseas unless its a danger zone for example, Korea, Iraq and Afghan are all off limits for families for obvious reasons but other than those i think you can anywhere else... Tell him to try for Aviano in Italy, a lot of people tryfor it and got it but FH got it unlucky for us we never got to experience it... Another god thing about marrying now is you will get all health benefits at no costs from the government and IDK your current situation but who wouldnt want free health care? And lastly even if he goes somewhere that you can not go you receive seperation (sp?) pay for him being gone, if hes in a bad area like Iraq or Afghan it doesnt make things better but if he goes to Korea its not so bad.. Plus you risk becoming a widow at anytime in your marriage because you never know what can happen

I say go ahead with the wedding.. waiting isnt going to change anything.. Think of it this way, what if you wait like they want you to but then in a couple months they are still telling you to wait?

(sorry for the long babbling) 

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Charlotte09 Posts : 1,021 Registered: 2/22/08
Re: In laws in the way
Posted: Oct 19, 2008 12:56 AM Go to message in response to: LealLove

Do what you and your FH want to do. If anyone said those things to me or to my FH I would first of all not listen to them and certainly not deal with them anymore nor invite them to the wedding. I think you are being extremely nice by even caring how they feel. They clearly do not like that their son will be married. Part of it might have to do with money as well. Obviously I do not know them, but if something were to happen to your FH and you all aren't married you would get no say in anything or any money or momentos of him since you arent a spouse. As well, many men/women in the military need help with finances if they are overseas because it is hard to manage them while they are away. I would check into who is controlling his bills and such especially if he is not able to. I am sure it is his parents since you cannot legally do it until you are his wife. If it isnt about money then they just cannot let go of their son. Trust me, I understand that because I am dealing with it myself and it makes me feel awful. One thing I have learned though is to do whats best for you and your FH and to heck with everyone else, especially those who want to put you all down.

So yes, say screw the in-laws.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: In laws in the way
Posted: Oct 19, 2008 9:45 AM Go to message in response to: Charlotte09

Dear Charlotte,

" I would check into who is controlling his bills and such especially if he is not able to. I am sure it is his parents since you cannot legally do it until you are his wife. "

Anyone can appoint a power of attorney to handle financial matters. That person need not be a spouse, nor even a relative.

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SeasideBride06 Posts : 958 Registered: 4/14/06
Re: In laws in the way
Posted: Oct 22, 2008 1:19 AM Go to message in response to: LealLove

You need to ignore them as much as possible and refuse to engage in these discussions when you can't. Practice the "thanks, we've considered that" line. Have change-of-subject lines ready. 

It may feel weird, but it really helps to practice ahead of time. I have a sister who is difficult to say the least. When I'm forced to see her, I try to anticipate things she might say and the best response to shut her down and get away. It really helps. And it makes it less upsetting when she does say things. You can't anticipate everything, so have your shocked look and "wow, I can't believe you said that" line down pat.

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LealLove Posts : 4 Registered: 2/27/08
Re: In laws in the way
Posted: Oct 29, 2008 9:56 PM Go to message in response to: Nalamienea

Thanks girls. 

 

I talked to my FH he talked to his father, he's the one makign a big deal about it. His mom is fine with it his dad is like:

 "what difference does 6 months make? what are you rushing it? what are you changing the date?" they keep comming up with excuses and it's annoying!

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JennaDBarry Posts : 2 Registered: 11/30/08
Re: In laws in the way
Posted: Nov 30, 2008 5:21 PM Go to message in response to: LealLove

What does your fiance feel about his parents trying to postpone your marriage? It's important that the two of you unite as a couple to deal with them. I've heard a therapist on the radio say that the main goal of parenting is to raise a child so that one day they can become independent. Your in-laws apparently don't have this goal, they don't seem to have any intention of allowing their son to be independent. They want to keep him all to themselves, and control everything he does, starting with his wedding. What they should be doing is encouraging his independence and supporting his desire to marry you because they love him and that's what healthy parents do. The good news is that you and your fiance's needs, wants, and opinions are not inferior to his parents' needs, wants, and opinions. You are all adults on an equal level, so you must learn to think, talk, and behave as though you know that's true. My in-laws wanted me to postpone my marriage, but we united as a couple and stood firm.

Your in-laws-to-be are going to try to control what you do from now on and the sooner you stand your ground, the better marriage you will have. You and your fiance need to learn to let his parents be upset. Just because they are offended by what you say and do doesn't mean you did anything wrong. It will be difficult at first, but speak honestly, tactfully, and firmly to communicate your needs as a couple. The more you do this, the easier it will become over time!

Jenna D. Barry, author of "A Wife's Guide to In-laws:  How To Gain Your Husband's Loyalty Without Killing His Parents"  www.Wifeguide.org

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