Help - 4 days before wedding!!!!!

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MichelleK Posts : 13 Registered: 9/25/08
Help - 4 days before wedding!!!!!
Posted: Oct 14, 2008 9:43 AM

Hi all... I need some advice.  My wedding is this Saturday.  It's actually a surprise ceremony, meaning close family doesn't know what they are coming to.  It's my fiances parents, his sister and her family.  My mother, my father and his wife, my grandfather and his lady friend and my brother and his girlfriend.  Plus my fiance and I have our best friend and their significant other coming (they know about it).

Here's the kink.  My brother called yesterday and said he wasn't going to be back from his work travel so he won't be there (he was invited 2 weeks ago) - at this point he thinks, and has been lead to believe, it's a surprise party for me and everyone thinks my finance will be proposing.

On the call my brother kind of minimized the event saying to my fiance "we all know what you are going to do" - and that his girlfriend would be there to videotape it for him to watch later.

Here are my issues... 1) it hurts me that my brother will not be there 2) it hurts me that even though my brother doesn't know it's a wedding - the emphasis my fiance has expressed to my brother that he really should be there, that this is important and it will be important to me that my brother is there... doesn't hold as much water as if it were a wedding (I say that because I'm sure the complaints after the fact will be "I didn't know it was a wedding" - well no, but you knew it was something important for me, isn't that just as important?). 3) his girlfriend was invited as his DATE... to think that she is still invited even though he's not going to make it... irks me.  As you can see the rest of the clan will be CLOSE family (aside from our best friends).

Is it wrong of me to not want my brother's girlfriend to still attend at this point?  The thing is 1) there's no guarantee she will be around in another year but there's a chance she will be 2) she and I are not close 3) my brother and his girlfriend are self-admitted attention whores!  And bottom line, we didn't invite her... we invited her as my brother's date.

Any thoughts on any of this?  Thanks!

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karebeartg Posts : 831 Registered: 6/25/08
Re: Help - 4 days before wedding!!!!!
Posted: Oct 14, 2008 9:49 AM Go to message in response to: MichelleK

Honestly, I'm not sure there's much you can do to solve this. Part of the risk of surprising people is that they aren't in on the importance of what you're doing. Plus, depending on your brother's work, he might have been unable to make it even if he knew it was going to be your wedding. 

Regardless of that, I would NOT uninvite your brother's girlfriend. First, she's going to be videotaping it for him - so if he does miss it, he'll get to see it on tape at least. You'll then have the added bonus of having the tape. Second, uninviting her is just going to cause a huge conflict. 

Perhaps you could bring your brother in on the surprise? Then he'd understand why it was important to you for him to be there. 

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MichelleK Posts : 13 Registered: 9/25/08
Re: Help - 4 days before wedding!!!!!
Posted: Oct 14, 2008 9:51 AM Go to message in response to: karebeartg

Well, we will be videotaping our ceremony... she doesn't need to be there for that.  Thanks for your thoughts!

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Help - 4 days before wedding!!!!!
Posted: Oct 14, 2008 10:03 AM Go to message in response to: MichelleK

Dear Michelle,

By not being honest with your family and springing this surprise wedding on them, you are getting the consequences of your actions.

Your brother might have been able to rearrange his work travel for his sister's wedding, but does not see the need to make special arrangments for his sister's surprise party/proposal.

"Boss, I can't go see the client because my sister's boyfriend is throwing a surprise party for her and we think he will propose. Can we find someone else to take the trip?"

vs.

"Boss, I can't go see the client because my sister is getting married that day. Can we find someone else to take the trip?"

Your brother has been going on the information he was given. Period. Later when he finds out he missed your actual wedding, unknowingly, he probably won't be happy about that at all.

As for his girlfriend, again, you have created the situation. You are saying "I don't know if I want her at my wedding, because we are having only close family.". As far as she is concerned this isn't your wedding. It's a surprise party/proposal. She's videotaping the event for your brother in his absence.

It's your right, of course, to have a surprise wedding. That fine. But, if do not give correct information to other people you can't be surprised if they act upon incorrect information.

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MichelleK Posts : 13 Registered: 9/25/08
Re: Help - 4 days before wedding!!!!!
Posted: Oct 14, 2008 10:07 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

"you are getting the consequences of your actions."

That cracks me up - as if I'm doing something bad or something.  This is suppose to be a fun and unique wedding!!!

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Pamlin Posts : 958 Registered: 10/26/06
Re: Help - 4 days before wedding!!!!!
Posted: Oct 14, 2008 10:16 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

I second Aunt.

If you want a surprise wedding (and obviously people don't even know that you're engaged yet!)  then you need to understand that people are treating it as a party, NOT as a wedding. 

Also don't be surprised if there's a little side grumbling -Your mom not getting to help you plan and be Mother of the Bride, etc.

By all means, do it the way you want, but know that there are consequences, including people not showing up.  Not everyone likes surprises. 

As for "uninviting" your brother's girlfriend, that's just plain rude and will do nothing but cause drama, regardless of whether or not your brother can make it.


Pamlin

The wedding will be lovely, but it's the next day and every day after that makes me truly excited.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Help - 4 days before wedding!!!!!
Posted: Oct 14, 2008 10:28 AM Go to message in response to: MichelleK

Dear Michelle,

"That cracks me up - as if I'm doing something bad or something."

You're not doing something bad. You are doing something unexpected, and you can't fault people for making plans based on what they expected.

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Nalamienea Posts : 2,924 Registered: 6/13/08
Re: Help - 4 days before wedding!!!!!
Posted: Oct 14, 2008 10:31 AM Go to message in response to: MichelleK

Michelle - I don't think aunt of the bride meant the word consequences as the same as punishment, just in the way that there are always consequences to anything you do (good or bad).  Like the consequence that I'm planning a family wedding way out here in Virginia is that FH and I don't get a week long honeymoon out of the deal.  We COULD have had a week long honeymoon, within our budget, if we'd flown to Cancun to get married, but the consequences of that would have been that my family would have been upset that they didn't get to participate.

I hope this helps to clear it up.  I agree that maybe it's not too late to let your brother in on the surprise to see if he can rearrange stuff.  I hope it works out! 


http://www.chrisandsarah2008.net

 

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lori83 Posts : 1,852 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: Help - 4 days before wedding!!!!!
Posted: Oct 14, 2008 11:08 AM Go to message in response to: MichelleK

'3) my brother and his girlfriend are self-admitted attention whores!'

'Any thoughts on any of this?'

My first thought - At least you will have only one self-admitted attention whore attending.

I agree with PP's. He has no clue you are getting married. Had he been clued in he probably would have made every attempt to attend your wedding. If you absolutely must have him there then tell him your secret and maybe he will be able to change his plans. If he can't change his plans then reschedule your wedding and send out invites stating it's a wedding.

I am also a bit confused. Your family thinks he's going to be proposing but you call him your fiance. So I guess that means that you are already engaged but your family doesn't know?

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Help - 4 days before wedding!!!!!
Posted: Oct 14, 2008 1:02 PM Go to message in response to: MichelleK

I totally agree with Aunt. You planned a surprise, and now you're getting a surprise. Rather than blaming someone else, take responsibility for the fact that your plan may not work out as you want it to. So, if you want your brother there, you probably should tell him the truth (ask him to keep your secret) and hope that he can make it. And, since you've already invited his girlfriend, it would be incredibly rude (and possibly cause a rift with your brother) to disinvite her.

myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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mrspinky Posts : 3,773 Registered: 3/14/08
Re: Help - 4 days before wedding!!!!!
Posted: Oct 14, 2008 4:33 PM Go to message in response to: MichelleK

"I say that because I'm sure the complaints after the fact will be "I didn't know it was a wedding" - well no, but you knew it was something important for me, isn't that just as important?"

Well not necessarily. I might miss a surprise party with a possible engagement for a work related business trip but not my sister's wedding.

"to think that she is still invited even though he's not going to make it... irks me"

Well if I were Bro's g/f. I would still go for him if he was going to miss his sis's "engagment surprise party."

"Is it wrong of me to not want my brother's girlfriend to still attend at this point? "

I think so.

"Any thoughts on any of this?"

I hope your wedding day will still go great!


Mrs. Pinky


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taken in Galveston 3.5 months before Hurricane Ike destroyed the island

Our Wedding Website 

 

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hellokitty4ever Posts : 740 Registered: 6/6/07
Re: Help - 4 days before wedding!!!!!
Posted: Oct 14, 2008 9:43 PM Go to message in response to: mrspinky

I have missed many events that were important to my family.  You can even say they were milestone events such as first birthdays, the birth of a niece or nephew, graduation parties, etc.  It doesn't mean I love them any less or that I was happy I missed it.  Sometimes, people's personal lives get in the way.  Unless you're willing to tell your bro that it's really your big day and not just a proposal, then you're going to have to deal with the fact that he may not show up.  Will he regret it later and say, "Damn I wished I would've been there!"  Maybe, but the truth is...you contributed to the end result (should it result in that way).  Good luck and keep us updated :)

 


 


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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Help - 4 days before wedding!!!!!
Posted: Oct 14, 2008 10:34 PM Go to message in response to: MichelleK

If you are this upset about it, call your brother and tell him.

If I did a surprise wedding and my brother wasn't showing upand I called him to tell him, he keep it a secret.

Otherwise, I'm sorry, but an engagement isn't as big an event as a wedding.  You don't want to hear it but it's true.

It's not his fault he doesn't know that, nor is it his girlfriend's fault.  And if they are both such big attention whores, I would think that you would be concerned about them BOTH being there anyways.


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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Help - 4 days before wedding!!!!!
Posted: Oct 14, 2008 10:47 PM Go to message in response to: MichelleK

Michelle.... it's a fun 'idea'.... but I do worry about how your family is going to respond.   There will be a lot of hurt feelings by many people....those who would have come for a wedding but couldn't for a party, those who would have loved to have helped, parents who are going to be upset.

I hope that you will have a wonderful wedding, and that your family responds the way you hope.


Misty

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