Who gets married first?

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KatharineC Posts : 940 Registered: 2/6/08
Re: Who gets married first?
Posted: Sep 1, 2008 2:15 AM Go to message in response to: PlayingMyCards

I don't even necessarily think that she who gets engaged first picks her date first. In most cases yes, but sometimes people get engaged and don't set a date for ages, or say they just want to enjoy being engaged for a while. If that were the case, and you had got engaged after her, then I say you would be within your rights to set a date. However, since she DID set her date first, you obviously have to pick another, but there's no need to wait till her wedding is over. It's ages away! I think late 2009 is a good recommendation - far enough away from now that it doesn't look like you're rushing, but still pretty much a year from hers that it doesn't look like thunder-stealing.

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africanbride Posts : 65 Registered: 7/15/08
Re: Who gets married first?
Posted: Sep 1, 2008 6:31 AM Go to message in response to: KatharineC

Back in the day my mom had a similar problem. It was January 1982 and her sister had been dating her boyfriend since the ninth grade and was turning 21 in August. My mom was turning 25 in June. In January of that year my father proposed but they wanted to wait for the engagement ring before telling the family and making it official. My mom always wanted to get married on her birthday (4th of June) and being a teacher that would fall in our winter break. So their date was 4 June 1983.

Then in February my grandma phoned to tell that younger sister was engaged and getting married 11 December 1982. My mom's response was: Oh no, that is terrible! She panicked because back then 25 was official spinster age anyway and now her younger sister was getting engaged and married before her!

So guess what - my parents got married December 4th 1982! A week before her sister. In August my father's father died and because his family was in mourning they scaled down the wedding plans to an afternoon high tea. My mom paid for the whole thing by herself. Also of course, my grandma was already paying for my aunt's wedding, so she wasn't having it from my mom! I think she was a bit mad! Everyone drove up for the wedding. On the Monday my mom still had to go back for the last week of school. (See aunt originally picked the first weekend of summer holiday - very convenient). On the Friday after school closed they drove down for my aunt's wedding on the Saturday and left for their honeymoon on the Sunday. And that worked out nicely because the 12th is my father's birthday and so he started their honeymoon on his birthday.

Was it a bit selfish of my mom? Yes and I have told her that before. But she did not want to get married after her sister and coincidentally that was the first available oppurtunity. And, I was born November 1983, so had my parents not married at that point in time, I would not have been born on that exact day. I believe in all that destiny stuff!

Getting married 4th of April 2009.

To love a person is to learn the song that is in their heart and to sing it to them when they have forgotten.


futuremrsperry Posts : 1,904 Registered: 4/23/06
Re: Who gets married first?
Posted: Sep 1, 2008 9:51 AM Go to message in response to: PlayingMyCards

I guess since they got engaged first, they should have first shot at it.  It is really up to you and your sister.


kennysoldwife Posts : 3,859 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: Who gets married first?
Posted: Sep 1, 2008 10:17 AM Go to message in response to: PlayingMyCards

I think a June wedding is nice.  You could even have Loving Day 2009.  Just because she got engaged first does not mean she has to marry first.  As others have said as long as it is not the day before I see no problem.  I too suggest a little space between dates simple because you will probably have a lot of the same guests and if there is travel involved and they are older people it might be a little difficult for them.    Other than that I see not problem. 

As far as the opinions of the parents, listen but don't let that be the thing that keeps you from being happy.  Parents almost always have reservations.  I have found in interracial relationship the only way to prove folks wrong it to prove them wrong.

Good luck.

Kenny and Me Perfect Together,  10 years and counting.



CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Who gets married first?
Posted: Sep 1, 2008 11:44 AM Go to message in response to: PlayingMyCards

They are worried about you because they love you, but at some point, they have to accept that, mistake or not, it's yours to make and their job is to be supportive of you now and be a shoulder to cry on later if they are, heavens forfend, right.    I'm not saying that they are, just saying that they need to accept that you're doing what you believe is best for you.

They might also be testing your resolve -- do you believe it enough to stand up to them?  That would make them accept it some.

(And so what if you snatched the first guy that came along, if he happened to be the RIGHT guy! <G>)


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nanette927 Posts : 1,748 Registered: 1/28/08
Re: Who gets married first?
Posted: Sep 1, 2008 12:13 PM Go to message in response to: PlayingMyCards

you are planning next yeaar right? Well go with 09/09/09.  I really don't think a year before is stealing anyones thunder.  But as far as the parent/family thing goes, I don't know, you live on your own and you guys are together, why should it matter what they think? BECAUSE it just DOES.

FH and I are 40 yrs old and both the youngest, and after 3.5 yrs we announced our engagement and set the date of Sept 27,08. half said, "It's about time", and the other half was saying "So SOON, that's only 9 months away, why a short engagemnt".  We came to the conclusion that We are doing what we want to do, and that's that.  SO age my dear, it doesn't matter how old you are, family will always be that way. 

As far as your sister goes, No problem with you going first. What exactly are you afraid of? Is it really just the parent part of "too soon"? Has he even asked you yet? We talked about 1 year after dating and didn't get offecially engaged till 2 yrs later and set a date 9 months after that.  I think everyone gave you great advice here. But what is so significant about that date?

Try a July 4th! 2009, it's on a Saturday, and in 2010 its on a Sunday!


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PlayingMyCards Posts : 29 Registered: 8/2/08
Re: Who gets married first?
Posted: Sep 2, 2008 7:23 PM Go to message in response to: nanette927

Thank you, thank you to everyone who has given me advice over the last few days.  Sometimes I feel like I'm in my own little bubble and can't be sure if I'm being realistic or ridiculous.  I worry too much about what my parents and sister think...not sure why, but I've always been that way.  It's nice to hear encouragement from you all to just do what I think is right for me.  Thanks again, and if there are any more thoughts or advice out there, I'd be glad to hear it!  :)

"It's not the hand that you're dealt, but how you're playing your cards."


Knoxvegas Posts : 951 Registered: 9/12/07
Re: Who gets married first?
Posted: Sep 3, 2008 7:59 PM Go to message in response to: PlayingMyCards

One last thing: my very best friend from college got engaged about 3 months ago. I have been engaged for a little over 2.5 years. I picked June 13, she picked May 30. Yes, I picked first because I got engaged first, but I am getting married second, two weeks later. It may be a pain for some friends to go twice (but all the overlap lives in my hometown already) but we are making it work because we both need early summer weddings because of our careers. 

Note: Summer 2009 may be harder because summer books up so fast. If you want a night wedding, you may want to look at something later on, like Fall Break (October). I'm also a teacher- I know the issues.Wink


"Love is not a matter of counting the years -- it's making the years count."

-Wolfman Jack Smith


Nalamienea Posts : 2,924 Registered: 6/13/08
Re: Who gets married first?
Posted: Sep 3, 2008 9:50 PM Go to message in response to: Knoxvegas

Playing - if you need help standing up to your parents, definitely go read the thread from the bride who didn't stand up to her parents... and was disappointed that she didn't get the wedding she wanted. Maybe reading her story will help you with some backbone! hehe :)

I think Aunt of the Bride will agree, set a president of you making the decisions NOW and it will help you greatly later on when you're in the planning process. :) 



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Ariana1228 Posts : 281 Registered: 3/2/08
Re: Who gets married first?
Posted: Sep 3, 2008 10:58 PM Go to message in response to: PlayingMyCards

Playing -

I know that you said that you care a lot about what your parents think so why not talk to them? Tell them how you feel and how your BF feels, tell them you want their support and not to feel like they think he is a rebound because he is not. Once you tell them how you feel and why I am sure that they will come around.

LIke you said you and your BF live together, I am sure that they do not know how your relationship is so maybe once you tell them they can start to see it for themselves. Don't look at it as standing up to them but rather as explaining your feelings and decisions to them.

On the issue about your sister .... if you want to get married in the summer try and go for 2009, if you think that is too soon and you are willing to wait until the summer after your sister go for 2011. Maybe that will give you time to talk to your parents, help your sister with her wedding and start to plan your own at the same time. YOu have a lot going on and I'm sure the wait will go by quick ... but only if that works for you and your BF.


PlayingMyCards Posts : 29 Registered: 8/2/08
Re: Who gets married first?
Posted: Sep 4, 2008 5:59 PM Go to message in response to: Ariana1228

Key points I've taken away so far: (1) Ultimately, I have to do what I feel is best for me; (2) It's "explaining my feelings," not "standing up to my parents;" (3) Give my family the benefit of the doubt and assume/hope they will come around eventually.  I'm sure there are more, but those are the things that come to mind at the moment.

You all are so sweet!  I'm probably sounding like a broken record, but thanks to everyone for the encouragement and also for not automatically saying something like, "Well, your parents might be right, maybe he IS a rebound relationship, you should really think about that," etc., etc.  Because I would probably have to throw things at my computer if you did.  :)


"It's not the hand that you're dealt, but how you're playing your cards."


PlayingMyCards Posts : 29 Registered: 8/2/08
UPDATE: Re: Who gets married first?
Posted: Sep 7, 2008 6:06 PM Go to message in response to: PlayingMyCards

Two interesting tidbits to add to my story -

1) Got an e-mail from ex-FI yesterday informing me that he's engaged again...to the girl he broke up with me for, basically.  And I wanted to know that, why?  Jerk.

2) Much happier: BF said he's "working on it" (getting the ring) and when I asked what that meant, he said "By the end of the year."  That gives me a more definitive timeframe to work with when considering this question of who gets married first, me or my sister.

Yay :)

"It's not the hand that you're dealt, but how you're playing your cards."


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