Who gets married first?

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PlayingMyCards Posts : 29 Registered: 8/2/08
Who gets married first?
Posted: Aug 31, 2008 6:29 PM

Okay, I'm in an interesting situation and I would love to hear what you all think...

My younger sister (almost 23) became engaged about 3 months ago after dating - long distance - for a year.  They have set a date in June 2010, which is when she'll be done with grad school. 

In a previous life (at least it seems that way), I was engaged for a few months to someone I had dated for 4 yrs before he broke it off.  I've been with my current boyfriend for 2.5 yrs and lived with him for just over a year.  (I'm 26.) We've talked pretty seriously about marriage, and we both know it is something that's coming up in our future. 

(My sister actually chose the exact date we were thinking of...seriously, what are the chances..  Loving Day - since I'm half of an interracial couple - in 2010.  GAH.)

So - here's the question:  Am I "allowed" to get married before my sister, even though she was engaged first and I've already "had my chance"?  Or, is it not my fault that they chose a date so far away and that I'm older and less likely to wait longer to get married? 

Please...thoughts, opinions, advice...I'll take anything :)


"It's not the hand that you're dealt, but how you're playing your cards."

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BrandNewAmy Posts : 341 Registered: 7/3/07
Re: Who gets married first?
Posted: Aug 31, 2008 6:53 PM Go to message in response to: PlayingMyCards

Playing, I don't know that there are any "rules" about this, but in my Personal Rule Book, whoever gets engaged first, gets to pick their date first. 

The only exception I might consider is if you and your sister had talked about your desire to get married on Loving Day, and she just decided it would be perfect for HER, too.  Hmm. 

If you haven't discussed it, and since you don't have an official proposal yet, I would say start considering alternate dates for your wedding.  Fair's fair.


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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Who gets married first?
Posted: Aug 31, 2008 6:58 PM Go to message in response to: PlayingMyCards

She picked her date, and decided how long her engagement was to be.  I don't think you should have to wait until after she's married to get married (unless you decide you want to get married the day before she is <G>)

Misty

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PlayingMyCards Posts : 29 Registered: 8/2/08
Re: Who gets married first?
Posted: Aug 31, 2008 7:31 PM Go to message in response to: CatStandish

Amy - I totally agree that she gets to pick her date first.  It was just a little surreal, like Seriously?  Of all the days in the whole year?  But, we'd never talked about it (she still doesn't know) and it's not that big of a deal anyway.  :)

Misty - thanks for your response.  I don't think I'll get married the day before her, lol, but I do wonder how close is "too close"?


"It's not the hand that you're dealt, but how you're playing your cards."

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Chad Posts : 637 Registered: 10/3/06
Re: Who gets married first?
Posted: Aug 31, 2008 7:34 PM Go to message in response to: PlayingMyCards

It doesn't matter who gets married first, but she who gets engaged first gets to pick her date first.  She has, it's done.  Yay for her.  When you get engaged, pick a different date unless you two can specifically agree to have a double wedding.  I'd pick a date that's at least 4-6 months before or after her date for the sake of parents and guests.  Beyond that, choose whatever date you want.

The "rule" is that you or anyone else gets one day, so yeah, you could choose the day before or after and not really break any rules.  But for the sake of guests and feelings that you will need to deal with forever, pick a date that's a significant amount of time away from hers.

If you choose a date before, she may feel you're thunderjacking.  She'll get over it and that's what she'll be told when she comes whining about not being the center of attention.  As long as you're not doing it to be a biitch, you're just choosing a date that works with your schedule, then things are fine.  If you are doing it to screw with her, then that's a whole nother ball game right there.


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Nalamienea Posts : 2,924 Registered: 6/13/08
Re: Who gets married first?
Posted: Aug 31, 2008 7:46 PM Go to message in response to: Chad

I agree with Chad.  I don't think it's a big deal if you get married before she does, but give everyone enough time to get over yours before hers rolls around. lol 

Short story: i had an aunt on my mom's side of the family who got married like a month or two before her brother, my uncle.  What's unfortunate is that everyone kinda went all out for my aunt's wedding because it was the first one in a looooong time in her family (my mom had already been married for like, 15 years or something).  I was a teenager when I went to her wedding and my grandma paid for us girls to get our hair done and we shopped for pretty dresses and the like.  When it came time for my Uncle's wedding everyone was just sorta ho-hum about it, even though it was a beautiful occassion as well, just as much money and everything went in it - but no pretty new dresses for us or trips to the salon. (My younger sister, 14 at the time chose a horribly trashy short white shirt and short white top to wear. UGH. How do you MAKE a 14 year old change??)

So yeah.  Don't let that happen to you guys. lol Give your guests enough time to be re-excited about going to a wedding. lol 


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PlayingMyCards Posts : 29 Registered: 8/2/08
Re: Who gets married first?
Posted: Aug 31, 2008 8:01 PM Go to message in response to: Nalamienea

Oooh, yeah, I'll try to avoid that!

Let me throw another wrench or two in the story...  #1 I'd reeeeally love to be married in the summer (or at least a semi-warm month - I can't stand the cold).  Four to six months before June puts me in winter, and four to six months after June 2010 puts me in mid-fall and winter (plus that just seems too far away). 

Wrench #2: I'm a teacher, and it's generally frowned upon to take off days when everyone knows you have your big long break in the summer.  Maybe weddings are an exception, I don't know, but that's just another thing rolling around in my mind...


"It's not the hand that you're dealt, but how you're playing your cards."

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PlayingMyCards Posts : 29 Registered: 8/2/08
Re: Who gets married first?
Posted: Aug 31, 2008 8:06 PM Go to message in response to: PlayingMyCards

Wrench #3 - I would be perfectly happy to get married after a relatively short engagement (a year or less) but I'm afraid it would freak my family out because they think (still, after all this time) that this is a rebound relationship for me and that I'm just settling for the first thing that came along.  Somehow it seems like maybe if we're slow and take our time, really draw out this engagement/wedding period, they'll feel better about it.  Otherwise I'm afraid that they'll think I'm rushing into another engagement as a way to get over the first one.  (Even though it's been 2.5 years.)  Let me be clear: I don't feel I'm doing that, but I don't want to deal with my family's misgivings for the rest of my life either.  Heck, they could feel the same way even if we weren't engaged for another 10 years...  They think we started dating too soon after my ex-FI and I broke up, and they're having trouble accepting that maaaaaaaaaaaaaybe things are okay anyway.


"It's not the hand that you're dealt, but how you're playing your cards."

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Nalamienea Posts : 2,924 Registered: 6/13/08
Re: Who gets married first?
Posted: Aug 31, 2008 8:31 PM Go to message in response to: PlayingMyCards

What about early spring 2009? Does your school get a spring break? Maybe that means March. hmmm.. maybe still cold. I think I remember you saying it's in NJ.  Well.. I guess your other option  is late summer 2009, but that would be under a year.  I personally would say screw your family and let them say whatever they want. lol but that's me! Do you start school in August or September? You could get married like 2 weeks before you start, so that should put you middle of august or so. Totally doable! I'd be too anxious to get it here. I'm not a person who could be engaged for 3 years. lol  Picking a date was the hardest thing in the world for us.  Good luck!


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Mushaboo Posts : 2,165 Registered: 3/22/08
Re: Who gets married first?
Posted: Aug 31, 2008 8:55 PM Go to message in response to: Nalamienea

I'm giving a second vote for what Nala said above.  Go for July or August 2009.  If your family thinks you're still in a re-bound relationship then that's their problem.  You can prove them wrong when you're celebrating your 10 year wedding anniversary.  That is kind of a joke, kind of serious.  If your current BF/FH is a great guy who loves you and you love him.  He doesn't beat you.  You don't argue 24/7 then go ahead with your wedding plans whenever they can be done in the summer, even if it is 2009.  Also, that gives you 1 year before your sis's wedding.


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PlayingMyCards Posts : 29 Registered: 8/2/08
Re: Who gets married first?
Posted: Aug 31, 2008 9:35 PM Go to message in response to: Mushaboo

Thanks, Nala and mush.  Being the oldest, I think I'm still stuck in that "I have to do everything right so I don't disappoint my parents" mindset.  It's nice to hear encouragement to do what I want and not worry about what my family thinks. 
"It's not the hand that you're dealt, but how you're playing your cards."

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Nalamienea Posts : 2,924 Registered: 6/13/08
Re: Who gets married first?
Posted: Aug 31, 2008 9:39 PM Go to message in response to: PlayingMyCards

we do hae to live with pur parents for a while ... hopefully. hehe but they'll have a year to warm up to the idea

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Mushaboo Posts : 2,165 Registered: 3/22/08
Re: Who gets married first?
Posted: Aug 31, 2008 10:37 PM Go to message in response to: PlayingMyCards

No problem.  My mom still says to me "I can't believe you're getting married."  I am the baby of the family so I have just as bad of a time with my family getting used to the idea that I'm not coming to live back home with them till I'm 45 years old.

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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Who gets married first?
Posted: Aug 31, 2008 11:37 PM Go to message in response to: PlayingMyCards

But she's not getting married until June 2010.   What's to say you can't do something May - August 2009

Misty

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PlayingMyCards Posts : 29 Registered: 8/2/08
Re: Who gets married first?
Posted: Aug 31, 2008 11:50 PM Go to message in response to: CatStandish

I've thought about that, Misty, and I guess that's why I posted here.  I wasn't sure if getting married before her - a year before, a month before, whatever - would be stealing her thunder.  But I think I'm hearing that it's not?  Oh yeah, and the whole 'parents think I'm making a mistake by being in this relationship in the first place' thing.  I worry that getting married sooner rather than later will fuel their fire and prove that I'm trying to snatch the first guy that goes by just to get over my ex.  shrug I care too much what my family thinks.  It makes me crazy.

Mush - LOL @ living at home until you're 45...I think that's EXACTLY what my parents want to believe!! 


"It's not the hand that you're dealt, but how you're playing your cards."

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