(SORT OF) NWR---POST YOUR JOKE!

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mrspinky Posts : 3,773 Registered: 3/14/08
Re: (SORT OF) NWR---POST YOUR JOKE!
Posted: Aug 28, 2008 1:34 PM Go to message in response to: RanAway2Maine

I don't know. All I see is a red x? :(

Mrs. Pinky

 




Our Wedding Website

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Knoxvegas Posts : 951 Registered: 9/12/07
Re: (SORT OF) NWR---POST YOUR JOKE!
Posted: Aug 28, 2008 2:27 PM Go to message in response to: RanAway2Maine

LOL Linda Jo! I saw that online a few weeks ago with another chick in it. Fabulous!

My Joke:

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve called out to God that she had a problem. "What's the problem, Eve?" He responded. "Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I am still so lonely." God replied, "I have a solution for you, Eve. I shall create a man to keep you company."

Then Eve inquired, "What is a 'man', Lord?" God explained, "A man is a flawed creature with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego, and an inability to empathize or listen. All in all, he'll make life more difficult, but, he will be bigger and more muscular than you, and therefore able to help out around the garden. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball around, and he will enjoy hunting fleet-footed ruminants."

"Okay, if that's the best you can do," replied Eve. God chided "Yeah, well, he'll be better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick! Now, you can only have him under one condition." "What is it, Lord?" asked Eve. "You must let him believe that I created him first."

 


 

"Love is not a matter of counting the years -- it's making the years count."

-Wolfman Jack Smith


Message was edited by: Knoxvegas

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MrsMcCain Posts : 580 Registered: 10/24/07
Re: (SORT OF) NWR---POST YOUR JOKE!
Posted: Aug 28, 2008 9:07 PM Go to message in response to: RanAway2Maine

Ok I have to post a blonde joke, this one is great!

There was a blonde, a brunette, and a red head and they were walking over a bridge. They had heard rumors that when you jumped off and made a wish it would come true. The red head jumps and yells "money!" and when she lands she lands in a pile of 100 dollar bill. The brunette jumps next and yells "gold!" and she lands in a pile of gold coins. It is now the blondes turn. She takes a running start but before she jumps she trips and yells "OH SH*T!!!!!"

Hehe I'm sure you get the rest :)

 One more blonde joke...

There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

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RanAway2Maine Posts : 2,359 Registered: 1/27/08
Re: (SORT OF) NWR---POST YOUR JOKE!
Posted: Aug 28, 2008 9:13 PM Go to message in response to: MrsMcCain

Thank you so much for posting your jokes! They really make my day! Hmmm....lawyer jokes....

Linda Jo and Dean-July 19, 2008


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nestyn08 Posts : 156 Registered: 7/11/06
Re: (SORT OF) NWR---POST YOUR JOKE!
Posted: Aug 29, 2008 11:54 AM Go to message in response to: RanAway2Maine

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....  So, I took
her to a gas station....

And then the fight started....

********
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office
to apply for Social Security.  The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify
my age.  I looked in my pockets and realized I had
left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would
have to go home and come back later. The woman
said, 'Unbutton your shirt.'  So I opened my shirt,
revealing my curly silver chest hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof
enough for me,' and she processed my Social
Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.  She said,
'You should have dropped your pants. You might
have gotten disability, too!'

And then the fight started....

********
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging
her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'  'Yes,' I sighed,
'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago,
and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person
could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started....

 

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RanAway2Maine Posts : 2,359 Registered: 1/27/08
Re: (SORT OF) NWR---POST YOUR JOKE!
Posted: Aug 29, 2008 12:20 PM Go to message in response to: nestyn08

Hi nestyn!

Think I've heard that one before! I'm having a real crappy day!

Lazy Husband

 

This woman goes to her husband.

"The car has a flat tire" she told him.

"Does it look like I have 'firestone' written on my head?" he replied.

"Ugh" she walked outta the room.

The next day when her husband walked in from work she said.

"The dish washer down." She told him.

"Does it look like I have 'whirlpool' written on my forehead?"

"Ugh"

The next her husband came home and asked her.

"How did u get this stuff done?"

"The guy next door told me he'd fix them if I gave him a blow job or if I baked him a cake."

"Oh what kinda cake did ya bake him?" he asked her.

"Does it look like I have Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"

***************************************************

The Email

 

A married couple was planning to go on vacation in Key West, Florida. The man went down first, while the wife was finishing up a business meeting in New York City. The husband arrived and decided to email his wife to tell her he arrived in Key West.

After he typed his message, he accidentally typed in the wrong email address. The email went to a woman who was grieving over her recently deceased husband. The grieving woman checked her email, read the man's letter, then passed out cold. Her daughter came in and looked at the computer screen. It read:

Honey,
This is your husband. I just wanted to tell you I got here OK, and I have all your bags checked in and ready for you to get here tonight so we can be together.

P.S. It sure is hot down here.

Linda Jo and Dean-July 19, 2008


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DeezNuttiest Posts : 200 Registered: 1/10/08
Re: (SORT OF) NWR---POST YOUR JOKE!
Posted: Aug 29, 2008 2:37 PM Go to message in response to: RanAway2Maine

LOL these are some great jokes, thank god for this thread lol.

heres an old one

 So after 50yrs of marriage the husband passes away, the wife goes to her doctor, upset at the thought of living without her love. She tells her doctor that would she would like to join her husband and wanted to know exactly where her heart is located.

After many hours of trying to talk her out of doing anything crazy, the doctor finally tells her that her heart is located under her left breast.

The next day the woman was admitted to the emergancy room with a gunshot wound to her left knee.

hehehe gotta hate that darn gravity lol


 

 Why does November 1st seem sooooooooo far away?????

 

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DeezNuttiest Posts : 200 Registered: 1/10/08
Re: (SORT OF) NWR---POST YOUR JOKE!
Posted: Aug 29, 2008 3:22 PM Go to message in response to: DeezNuttiest


 

 Why does November 1st seem sooooooooo far away?????

 

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RanAway2Maine Posts : 2,359 Registered: 1/27/08
Re: (SORT OF) NWR---POST YOUR JOKE!
Posted: Aug 30, 2008 10:06 AM Go to message in response to: DeezNuttiest

Rubbing Milk

A guy comes home one day to find his wife rubbing milk all over her breasts. Curiously he asks her why she is doing this. She replies that she has read that if you rub milk on your breasts they get bigger. He looks at her for a moment and says then you should have used toilet paper. Why asks his wife? He replies because it's done a hell of a job on your ass!

Linda Jo and Dean-July 19, 2008


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MrsMcCain Posts : 580 Registered: 10/24/07
Re: (SORT OF) NWR---POST YOUR JOKE!
Posted: Aug 30, 2008 10:20 AM Go to message in response to: RanAway2Maine

A woman sat on a plane heading for New York, when the pilot announces that because of difficulties with the plane's engines, he must make an emergency landing.

The woman, fearing that this may be the end of her life looks over to a man sitting next to her and rips her shirt and bra off, and throws herself on him. "Make me feel like a woman again!" she screamed.

So the man rips his shirt off and hands it to her. "Iron this."

This is one of my favorites:

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."
The woman freed the frog.

The frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That will be okay because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered. "I'd like a mild heart attack."

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rubyred1 Posts : 968 Registered: 8/9/07
Re: (SORT OF) NWR---POST YOUR JOKE!
Posted: Aug 30, 2008 12:50 PM Go to message in response to: MrsMcCain

Mine's got nothing to do with weddings, but I heard it yesterday and it makes me laugh!

 A pirate walks into a bar.  The bartender looks at him and says, "excuse me sir, you seem to have a steering wheel in your pants."  The pirate responds, "Arg, I know, it's driving me nuts!"


 

To love someone deeply gives you strength. Being loved by someone deeply gives you courage.

Lao Tzu

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RanAway2Maine Posts : 2,359 Registered: 1/27/08
Re: (SORT OF) NWR---POST YOUR JOKE!
Posted: Aug 31, 2008 9:25 AM Go to message in response to: rubyred1

OK my husband has a redneck joke-

Billy Bob and Mary Lou just got married. They spent their honeymoon in the local Motel 6. As Mary Lou was sitting in bed, she looked at Billy Bob who was undressing. 

She said to him, "Billy Bob, I have a confession to make."

"What is it, Mary Lou?" asked Billy Bob.

She says, "I've never done this before-I'm still a virgin."

"You mean you're cherry?" he asks shockingly.

 "Yep-100%"

Upon hearing this, Billy Bob pulled his pants back up and jumped into his pick up truck and sped off.

When he went tearing up his father's driveway, his father threw the window open and asked, "Billy Bob, what're you doing here? Why aren't you in that motel room with your pretty little wife?"

"Well, dad", he says, "Mary Lou just told me she was a virgin and I didn't know what to do."

"Well, son, you don the right thing. She ain't good enough for our family iffen she ain't good enough fer her own" 

Linda Jo and Dean-July 19, 2008


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RanAway2Maine Posts : 2,359 Registered: 1/27/08
Re: (SORT OF) NWR---POST YOUR JOKE!
Posted: Aug 31, 2008 9:30 AM Go to message in response to: MrsMcCain

Nickey-I love those! 

Cat Goes to Heaven

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know." The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again, there is the Lord there to great them with the same offer. The mice answer, "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says, "Say no more," and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?"

The cat stretches and yawns and replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"

Linda Jo and Dean-July 19, 2008


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mrspinky Posts : 3,773 Registered: 3/14/08
Re: (SORT OF) NWR---POST YOUR JOKE!
Posted: Aug 31, 2008 1:44 PM Go to message in response to: RanAway2Maine

Dean - tsk tsk!


Mrs. Pinky

 




Our Wedding Website

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RanAway2Maine Posts : 2,359 Registered: 1/27/08
Re: (SORT OF) NWR---POST YOUR JOKE!
Posted: Aug 31, 2008 1:52 PM Go to message in response to: mrspinky

hahahhaa-

He says he bets you smiled!!!

Linda Jo and Dean-July 19, 2008


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