Don't know what to do about my friend!

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KatharineC Posts : 940 Registered: 2/6/08
Don't know what to do about my friend!
Posted: Aug 27, 2008 2:40 PM

This one is gonna be LONG:

Years ago I was in a choir and I was goodish friends with this guy, we'll call him T. In the same choir I met my exbf - the one who is getting married next month - and then T started going out with this other girl, M, and we started doing our own singing group, getting together once a week, that sort of thing. (After exbf and I broke up, but we remained on friendly terms mostly because we were friends with T. Fast forward seven years, and T and M break up. Seven years!!! Including 2 years of a long-distance relationship. I was blown away. They had a big age gap but I thought that now that she was in her twenties that would become less relevant, but apparently not. Anyway, so they broke up, and suddenly on the scene there is this new girl, B. And B is really weird. Actually, I think she's completely insane. It's hard to say exactly why, I mean she hasn't done anything specific. It's more that she keeps telling weird stories about all the weird things that have happened to her in her life, that she threatens violence against anyone who does anything she doesn't like (she carries a knife around and apparently threatens people with it), and she just really creeps me out.

So T and B got together at the end of 2007. Around March T had a seizure and was rushed to hospital, where he was diagnosed with a brain tumour. Somewhere in his drugged out state, B proposes to HIM, and he says yes. (I got this from his ex, M). He goes for the operation and the tumour is benign, thank goodness. I thought he might get over the fact that he just got engaged to a girl he'd been dating for 3 months, right after a 7-year relationship break-up, but apparently no.

So I wasn't sure what to do. My relationship with T had sort of become a 'see you once a year at a get-together' kind of thing, so it really wasn't my place to say anything. I just figured that he'd realise what a mistake he was making (he's a really nice guy, the solid, down-to-earth type that makes parents go "thank goodness my daughter is safe with him"), and said nothing.

A few weeks ago, when I found out my exbf was getting married, I decided to call T and see how he was doing (and in the process get the gossip on my ex's wedding and find out if T was still engaged to the insane girl B). That's when T hit me with the news that he was also getting married in September! I couldn't - and still can't - believe it. I mean he'd only been with this girl for a few months, in the midst of that his father died AND he got a brain tumour, and now they're getting married??

So I made a date to meet up with them. I had to see if I was right about this girl. That meeting was tonight, and my god, I was SO RIGHT. She is absolutely insane. I would go so far as to say she has psychopathic tendencies. She actually made me nervous. And the best, best part? She's pregnant. Yup, she's got her man trapped to her forever. I actually asked if that was why the wedding was so soon (I figured they had to have been asked that by a gazillion people already), but they said the date was set before they found out. I just can't believe that T is so gullible and so blinded by her - I don't know what? She's not particularly attractive, she's really self-centred, she isn't interesting or amusing (I was friends with a girl like her in school, who was also nuts - I got out of that friendship fast - but SHE was brilliantly clever and hysterically funny. She could make you cry laughing at the drop of a hat. This girl, B, has nothing like that).

I'm convinced she got pregnant on purpose to make sure she had him. His mother apparently is so against the marriage that she is refusing to attend, and is going so far as to write letters to the minister, begging him not to marry them. I think she's going overboard, but I've known her for years (she was also in the choir!) and she must be terrified for her son, marrying a nutcase like B. I feel so bad for her. I just don't know what to do.

My relationship with T is such that I don't feel like I can say anything. I mean, I haven't been invited to the wedding because we're not that close anymore. They are getting married NEXT WEEK and it will be the biggest mistake of his life. And there's a baby. I'm really worried about him. And I'm scared that if I say anything, B will do something to me. Seriously, she's insane. The mild version would be stalking my facebook and sending me evil messages. I wouldn't put it past her to show up at my door with a knife or something. Honestly. I was really nice to her at the dinner earlier, because I was scared not to be. I don't know what to do!!


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cyndi33 Posts : 2,585 Registered: 1/3/07
Re: Don't know what to do about my friend!
Posted: Aug 27, 2008 5:43 PM Go to message in response to: KatharineC

Nothing, really, just isn't your place.  He is old enough to make his own decisions and has been with her awhile, whatever your feelings about her, he's chosen to marry.  Support him, be there and support him if it ends poorly too, but don't get in the middle of it.  

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stargazer9 Posts : 448 Registered: 12/20/06
Re: Don't know what to do about my friend!
Posted: Aug 27, 2008 5:55 PM Go to message in response to: KatharineC

I kinda know where you're coming from having a friend myself who is getting married and I think it will be a mistake.  I know it is hard to watch happen, but really, you can't do anything about it.  You said yourself you aren't even invited to the wedding because you are just not that close anymore and even if you were, he is a grown up and will do what he wants and feels is right no matter what anyone else thinks or says.  You really have no way of knowing that she got pregnant on purpose and if you have only met her a few times you know nothing about her really whatsoever except for hearsay from his ex and others and that isn't sound enough to base lifelong judgements on.  And no one but the two of them will truly know the specifics of their relationship, it's issues and it's strengths, so if both of them are going into this together, crazy or not, pregnant or not, blinded or not, they are gonna do it and you just have to trust that things will work out eventually.  Even if he shouldn't be with her he will have to discover that for himself in time and then he can take steps to work things out for himself.

Just try to be a good friend by being there if he ASKS for your help or opinion and then support his decisions.  And stay away from her if you feel unsafe personally.





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CatStandish Posts : 2,766 Registered: 6/20/08
Re: Don't know what to do about my friend!
Posted: Aug 27, 2008 6:00 PM Go to message in response to: KatharineC

I know you feel like you should stop this train wreck, but you can't.  He clearly is not even heeding his own mother.  All you can do is be supportive and tell him that you're happy for them, wish them the best, pray you're wrong.   And if it ends in disaster, be a supportive friend, but don't say "I knew something like this would happen."

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HappyGirl13 Posts : 1,298 Registered: 4/21/08
Re: Don't know what to do about my friend!
Posted: Aug 27, 2008 6:48 PM Go to message in response to: CatStandish

On the other hand, there are people who make bad relationship decisions, then when they finally extricate themselves from the relationship they then wonder why nobody warned them about the person they ended up with.

I'm not saying your friend doesn't know who he's ending up with, but if you felt comfortable enough to add your voice to his mom's, you could ask him a leading question along the lines of, "I'm just asking as a concerned friend: since you really haven't known each other that long, are you certain you want to do this?"

If you're concerned for your safety even asking a question like that and don't feel like taking on a train wreck, then you should probably stay out of it.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: Don't know what to do about my friend!
Posted: Aug 27, 2008 7:45 PM Go to message in response to: KatharineC

dear Katherine,

"My relationship with T is such that I don't feel like I can say anything."

You are right. You can't say anything.

What you can say, should you see T, is "If you ever need a friend or just a listening ear, give me a buzz."

That's it.

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stillgroovin Posts : 238 Registered: 11/12/07
Re: Don't know what to do about my friend!
Posted: Aug 27, 2008 8:44 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Yeah, my friend has a coworker in a similar situation. He moved out to Las Vegas three years ago. When he did, his girlfriend of all of two months came with him. She never got a job and mooched off of him for a while. He finally broke up with her sometime last spring and went home to the east to let her pack up. While home, he meets another girl with a child and major financial debt. They start going up and she soon moves out to Vegas with him. Again, she's made no effort to get a job, but because of his desire to give her insurance or some such stuff, they got married in June.

Well, kind of. I guess he forgot the marriage license but they went ahead and had the ceremony. Last I heard, though, they still hadn't signed the license.

So yeah, people do strange things sometimes. And as everyone else has said, there's not much you can do other than offer your support. Otherwise, just shake your head at it.

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caro418 Posts : 12 Registered: 8/23/08
Re: Don't know what to do about my friend!
Posted: Aug 28, 2008 6:21 AM Go to message in response to: KatharineC

Hmm…sounds like T is dating my brother’s ex-girlfriend!  My brother also dated this girl who was kind of psycho…threatened him with a knife and everything when he broke up with her.  Very self-centered, too, and not particularly attractive.  ANYWAY, though…

As sad as it is, there’s really not much you can do in this situation, especially since you’re not even close friends with the guy.  (Maybe if you were his best, best friend…or his sister…but even then, it would be hard to say anything.)  Unfortunately, you just have to let him live his own life and make his own mistakes.     

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: Don't know what to do about my friend!
Posted: Aug 28, 2008 5:30 PM Go to message in response to: KatharineC

I don't know what to do!!

Absolutely nothing! And say nothing. In the end, T is an adult and this is none of your business. It might be a disaster, but it's his disaster, not yours.

myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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