What should I do?

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MrsG2B Posts : 12 Registered: 1/13/08
What should I do?
Posted: Aug 9, 2008 9:19 PM

I've read a lot of threads on here and i've noticed that a lot of brides to be are having issues with a overbearing/meddling mom of FMIL. Well, I'm having the opposite problem. My mother did aknowledge that I'm engaged that's pretty much as far as it goes. It's like she has no desire to help me plan it or anything. I'm not asking for money because she is disabled and on a fixed income. i would like to be able to talk to her about the wedding and have her go with me to pick out a gown. Now for the sake of the story I will give you a little history. I was married once before when I was 19 and she approached that wedding the exact same way. No help, no ideas, no helping me pick out a dress. After the divorce I just figured she was against it because we were young. But I'm 28 (he's 33) now and she still has the same dry expression. I have tried to bring the wedding into conversation and she will talk about it for about 5 minutes and go on to something else.

Here's the thing, this is a woman who is typically overbearing and extremely meddling! She insists on telling me how to run my life and how to raise my daughter on a regular basis. She will still call me and tell me what to pack for an overnight visit with my daughter like I have no clue. My daughter is 7 years old! The meddling in my personal life continues to this day but she won't so much as utter a word about my wedding. Why is it that she does this but a special day in my life (that I WANT her help and opinions) she wants no part of? My FH's family has been wonderful and helpful but from my mother I get nothing.

I have talked to her about how it makes me feel but nothing has changed. :(


On November 14, 2009 I will marry my best friend.

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: What should I do?
Posted: Aug 9, 2008 9:54 PM Go to message in response to: MrsG2B

Dear HB,

Sometime you've just gotta get used to the fact that your mother is weird about some things. Love her, anyway.

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BrandNewAmy Posts : 341 Registered: 7/3/07
Re: What should I do?
Posted: Aug 9, 2008 10:02 PM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

My mom is happy for me, but I think, really couldn't care less if I had a wedding.  I had to take her dress shopping for her own dress.  She likes her dress and we had a nice time doing it, but in the one year I've been planning, she has not asked me once "how is the planning going?" or similar.  She's just not that into it.  And that's fine.  I've enjoyed planning on my own, and have worked other people's opinions (a lot of them on Brides!) for ideas when at a loss.

If your mom's normally a "meddler", as you say, then count your blessings that she doesn't seem interested in meddling in your wedding.  Trust me, when you're older (and a second-time-arounder), you have MUCH stronger opinions about what you want and don't want for your wedding than when you were younger.  But the whole process is just as stress-inducing!  So enjoy the freedom and when you want outside opinions, enlist your bridesmaids and friends. 


AmySquared...two November brides "on a mission from Gad"! 

"Don't give up what you want the most for what you want at the moment."

Check out our web site:  http://amyandrodney.wedquarters.com/ 

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OrthoRN Posts : 323 Registered: 11/24/07
Re: What should I do?
Posted: Aug 9, 2008 10:27 PM Go to message in response to: MrsG2B

What kind of wedding did your mother have? Maybe there is more to the story than you know?

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MrsG2B Posts : 12 Registered: 1/13/08
Re: What should I do?
Posted: Aug 10, 2008 12:16 AM Go to message in response to: OrthoRN

She married my father when I was a year old and divorced when I was four. They went to the courthouse.

On November 14, 2009 I will marry my best friend.

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newsjunkie Posts : 3,417 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: What should I do?
Posted: Aug 10, 2008 1:25 AM Go to message in response to: MrsG2B

I don't know your mom, of course, but right off the top of my head I can think of a number of reasons why a mom in your situation may act the way she is acting.  First of all, I am not judging AT ALL and not agreeing with the way she is acting; I am just trying to play "devil's advocate" and look at things from her perspective to try to figure out her deal.  With that being said...

1. She could be generally not interested in weddings- period.  I am as girly-girly as they come so this is a tough concept for me to grasp but I know they are out there!  Have you ever seen her at all interested in anything wedding or party planning-related?  Other people's weddings?  Wedding things on tv?  Anything like that?  If the answer is no you may have YOUR answer.

2. You were very young for your first wedding but maybe she still thinks of you as being too young to get married and doesn't really support it...

3. Or maybe she thinks you are making a mistake and thus does not support the wedding... How does she like your FH?  How does she act towards him?  Friendly?  Civil?  Cool?  This could be a big clue.

4. You said she is disabled and while I don't know the nature of her disability is it possible she just isn't up for wedding stuff and therefore just can't really be into it?  I am technically disabled (feels weird to have that label but I never leave the house except for doctor appts. and rarely get out of bed so it fits...) as I have been dealing with severe pelvic/abdominal pain for 3 years and while I still get excited about things it is nowhere near the natural exuberance I had before I was sick (my nickname in some circles is Perky!).  If someone isn't as bouncy and exuberant as I used to be then I imagine they would be REALLY unenthused about stuff when they are disabled.

If I think of any more hypotheticals I will post them but I hope you can come back and give us some more info so we can help you better.

The sad truth is that most brides can consider themselves lucky if they have ONE person who is as excited for their wedding as they are (or nearly as excited).  This is why we come here- to talk to people who truly care about all the little details and who never get tired of talking about it.

Have you asked her to go wedding dress shopping with you?  If it is too much for her physically perhaps you could go shopping alone or with a friend and narrow some dresses down and she could help you choose between the top 3 or so. 

I really hope she comes around a bit.  Even though this is your second wedding you still deserve all the fun and happiness a wedding provides.  Best of luck to you and please let us know how things go!

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ArtBride Posts : 4,838 Registered: 5/9/07
Re: What should I do?
Posted: Aug 10, 2008 10:30 AM Go to message in response to: MrsG2B

Has your mother been married again after your father? If not, then I'd assume she just doesn't have a great opinion of marriage in general. Her own marriage lasted three years. She's seen you get married and divorced. She's probably looking at this with a 'this time won't be any different' attitude. A lot of people - particularly those with histories of bad marriages themselves - just aren't all that excited about wedding and marriages, believing that it will never work out or that it's a better idea NOT to do it. 

Perhaps she is keeping her opinion to herself, rather than her normal meddling, because she knows that this is important to you and WANTS to support you. Perhaps her way of supporting you is by shutting up about her own opinion of the situation, since she knows that you'll argue about it.

I'd leave it alone. When you're ready to look at dresses (or each other random task you'd like her assistance with), ask whether she'd like to go and help you. If she says no, try not to take it too personally. You can always show her photos afterwards.  


DaisypathWedding Ticker

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MrsG2B Posts : 12 Registered: 1/13/08
Re: What should I do?
Posted: Aug 10, 2008 1:34 PM Go to message in response to: ArtBride

You know ArtBride, you might have a point. She never remarried after my dad and their marriage ended on a very sour note. The last time they were in the same room together was at my last wedding. Even when my daughter was born (the only grandchild for both) they came to the hospital at different times. Even though the marriage and divorce were both over 20 years ago I think she might still harbor ill feelings about relationships in general. For as long as I can remember she was dry about every relationship I've ever had with a guy. Even "puppy love" relationships in high school.

Believe me I was very bitter about my divorce but I have moved past that and met a very wonderful man. He makes me look at love and marriage with a new set of eyes. Also I'm older and a lot wiser than I was back then and i don't judge my upcoming marriage based on the last one. When a friend of mine got married last june she sent her best wishes and congrats and all that good stuff. I don't know, it sucks nonetheless.


On November 14, 2009 I will marry my best friend.

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: What should I do?
Posted: Aug 10, 2008 2:29 PM Go to message in response to: MrsG2B

The meddling in my personal life continues to this day

She can only meddle if you let her meddle. You are begging for her attention, begging for her to be interested in you. You want your idealized version of Mom, not the Mom you actually have.

I wish that she were more interested. I wish that she was not a meddler. But, wishing will not make it so. She is who she is, and if you want her to stop meddling, then you have to stop allowing her to meddle. If you want her to be more interested than she is--sorry, you're probably out of luck.

The most positive thing that you can do it to be the kind of mother to your own daughter that you wish your mother had been to you.

myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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TakeBackYourWed... Posts : 139 Registered: 4/5/08
Re: What should I do?
Posted: Aug 11, 2008 12:25 AM Go to message in response to: MrsG2B

I just asked my counselor husband who says everything you are saying about your mom reeks of INSECURITY (your mom.)  Meddlers are so insecure they have to constantly let you know they are there and to reassure themselves YOU are still there...

In the case of marriage and weddings, she is VERY vulnerable and insecure.  Her "one shot at love" failed miserably and if she's disabled, she may feel nobody would ever want to marry her.  Hardly a "nice thought" for anyone to have, but if you were already insecure, it's going to make you not want to engage in ANYTHING romantic.  Afterall insecurity in other meddling ways is about her "I have the answers" and "I know what my granddaughter needs"... but in romance your mom is completely helpless.

If your mom had the emotional "intelligence" or maturity to talk with you that would open up an entire new dimension of your relationship. But the reality is that will probably never happen.

The more you try to engage her the more she will shut down. 

I would feel a lot of sadness for her even if she drives you BONKERS... secure, stable, emotionally healthy people don't feel a need to meddle, nag, or otherwise constantly be in someones face.


Modern Bride Magazine Trendsetter 2007 for dealing with the complex couple and family dynamics of wedding planning by an expert marriage therapist father and his daughter, me!

http://www.thefirstdance.com 

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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: What should I do?
Posted: Aug 11, 2008 11:20 AM Go to message in response to: MrsG2B

My mom wasn't super into my wedding either. She was happy for me and DH of course but she wasn't really outwardly excited. I can understand since I am not a really excitable person either, so I get that from her.

I did notice she helped my younger sister with her wedding more than she did with mine and it got to me sometimes.

But honestly I chalked it up to the fact that my mom KNOWS me and knew I didn;t need her to hold my hand through it all. yes maybe I would have liked soem extra attention, but thats who my mom is, and I love her anyway...


Daisypath Next Aniversary Ticker

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Noviesita Posts : 381 Registered: 6/18/07
Re: What should I do?
Posted: Aug 11, 2008 3:50 PM Go to message in response to: MrsG2B

Hello HB2B,

Maybe your mom knows that she gets on your nerves sometimes when she's constantly telling you what to do.  So, maybe she doesn't want you cause you any headaches during your wedding planning and is quietly staying out of your way.  I think you should invite her to join you in some activity like: dress shopping or to help you pick your flowers, etc.  See what her reaction his and then you'll know for sure if weddings are simply not her "cup of tea".

Good luck and happy planning!


//www.TickerFactory.com/"> 

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miloswife2b Posts : 32 Registered: 5/8/08
Re: What should I do?
Posted: Aug 12, 2008 2:07 AM Go to message in response to: Noviesita

I am right there with you. My mom has absolutely no interest in my wedding, and when I try to talk to her about it she pretty much changes the subject. Shes also a huge meddler and has been over involved my whole life. To top it all off, she goes around talkingt o all her friends and family about how stressed she is with wedding planning and how great it is to be throwing a wedding for her daughter. Im paying for everything and planning everything. The only thing hse had a hand in was the shower. She ffered to pay for it, bellyached about how she was spending 1500 dollars, left the reciept in the bags of food, 350.00 dollars! then didnt get me a gift because she had spent almost 2000 dollars(her words). Shes funny, I dont get it, and it bothers me, but I guess there is nothing either of us can do about it.  I wish I could tell you the reason, but all I can do is empathize with you!

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