So sick of it!

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futuremrsmason Posts : 239 Registered: 3/21/08
Re: So sick of it!
Posted: Jul 14, 2008 12:26 PM Go to message in response to: XYZ1

wow, sweetie01. wow. ANYWAY, back to my friend Charlotte...

You've got a good clear head on your shoulders. You are a confident young woman who is marrying an amazing guy, and don't let anyone try to tell you otherwise.

It sounds like you've got it figured out thus far. Keep us posted :) 


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newsjunkie Posts : 3,417 Registered: 3/30/06
Re: So sick of it!
Posted: Jul 14, 2008 1:14 PM Go to message in response to: Charlotte09

Charlotte- a lot has already been said but I just wanted to tell you about my experience.  I went with a DJ that was one of several recommended by my venue.  I didn't have to go with him (or any of their recommendations) but since it was a DW and I didn't know any other DJ's in the area AND since I am pretty specific (having been a radio DJ and MC for numerous events in the past I really know how it all works) I figured it would work out fine- just tell him what I want him to play and it would be OK.  Well, he was HORRIBLE and it REALLY stressed me out on the day.  The problem was that he liked to hear himself speak and he would go on and on and on... and on.  You get the idea.  So, he ground the party to a halt numerous times, the dancing hardly ever got going because of it, and it was just annoying.  He also said stuff that was just plain stupid- I used to work at Walt Disney World and have acquired numerous- and readily available for purchase- CD's of WDW music.  I emailed him a bunch and asked him to play it during the cocktail hour.  He did and it was beautiful- until after our first dance he started blathering on about how I stole it from the "Disney vault" while I worked there!!!  I take my time at Disney VERY seriously and several of my former co-workers were at my wedding and while everyone knew that it wasn't true it was still very embarrassing- and the kind of thing that an immature and annoying cousin might say.  So while I was reading your post I couldn't help but think back to my own experience and wish that I had thought to tell him that in addition to playing X# of specific songs to also not blather on and say UNTRUE things!  But, really, how do you say that to someone???

So if I were you I would put my foot down about having your cousin DJ (saying you want him there as a guest and that you would feel awkward having your family member "work" the party is a great idea).  I would also not count on your parent's money until it is handed over to you and I would never again mention anything about money.  You can talk wedding stuff but if $$$ ever comes up just be vague- or lie about the cost! 

I really am sorry you are having such aggravation so early in the planning.  However, I think just about everyone on here will tell you that they, too, went through something like this during their own planning so you certainly are not alone.  Just be glad you came here and found a board full of helpful women going through the same stuff as you who are happy and eager to help in any way they can! :)

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Charlotte09 Posts : 1,021 Registered: 2/22/08
Re: So sick of it!
Posted: Jul 14, 2008 1:46 PM Go to message in response to: futuremrsmason

Sorry if some of you all feel that I would give up my independence for a wedding and some money. This siutation does suck for me because I am right and should be able to have the DJ I would want for my wedding if I am spending my money on that. However, I think acting like if I give in to my parnets means I wont ever be independent is a bit over dramatic. Giving in to my parents will mean I am not happy with the DJ but they are pleased, FH and I do not have to change our budget or make up for the money we might loose from my parents, and the planning can go on again. If my parents wont back off and never realize that they are being unreasonable then not having my cousin DJ could end up costing me $5,000 plus the cost to actually hire the DJ I would like. Honestly, I think the more adult decision would be to utilize that money and make the decision that will not cost FH and I the most or continue to cause fighting with my parents.

Now if they do start to control the entire wedding process, which I dont think they will since almost everything is really planned and they have not complained about anything until this, then it would be in the best interest of FH and I to decline their money.

I dont believe that if I let my parents have their way that it means they will control me forever. They do not control me on everythign but there are certain things they feel strongly about that I do not agree with and that has caused an issue. However, until now, I have been a minor and under their care when theses issues have arisen. My parents cannot control me to purchase a certain house or have kids at this time. They can suggest and throw a fit if I dont go with what they want, but it is rather far fetched to thing that if I let my parents have their way with the dj that they will chose everything in my life from now on.

I think they are being unreasonable and in return they think the same thing about me on the issue. But I do think that there are better things to fight about than a DJ. If this was my home or children then yes I would not budge for a moment.

Like I said though I will take some time with the issue. My parents and I have been getting along great and only argue and do a complete 180 over this DJ subject. I am going to have fun wedding planning and I would like things to all go my way. However, if they do not go my way with the DJ issue life will just have to go on. It is no fun that we have to have an issue over something so stupid and something as obvious as that it is my money and I can decide. But I do not think it is worth giving up extra money for the wedding and causing more fights with my family. Sorry if some of you all do not agree but I think I am completely logical about the whole ordeal and no one can convince me otherwise on that.

Thank you to everyone who has been supportive. For now the issue has been put to rest so I wont have anything to say for a while unless someone else brings it up. I will let you all know what happens, but it might be a while from now. Most likely I will update in the few threads that I frequent or I can update this thread if I can find it later on down the road. Thank you supporters. I really appreciate the kind words and the piles of advice. But I really just appreciate the fact that there are other ladies out there who care. This issue is not the end of my world but it is annoying and stressful so I appreciate people just willing to help and let me know that despite how my parents are acting with the situation that I am not alone in knowing I am right. Thanks a lot ladies, I will let you know what happens!

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stargazer9 Posts : 448 Registered: 12/20/06
Re: So sick of it!
Posted: Jul 14, 2008 3:00 PM Go to message in response to: Charlotte09

* it appears we share the same long post quality lol sorry about that one (: *

I think what the other posters have been trying to say is that yes it does not necessarily mean that down the road they will be able to control you on EVERY single thing that may come.  I don't think they are ultimately saying you wouldn't stand your ground for important issues like houses and kids and whatever.  What they are saying I think though is that while this is a small issue and really ridiculous to fight over, it is still an area where your parents think they can sway you by having a hissy fit over it.  And if you give them their way this time, they will think they can have their way next time.  Not saying that you WILL let them have their way next time or not, only time will tell what happens in your future.  But if you let them continue to run the course of throwing fits every once in a while and then having you change your decision to what they want they will keep on doing so as long as they can.  So while this is a small issue it's still allowing them to stay in the pattern of getting their way when they're ridiculous.  It's enabling them to continue on this path.  Which is an unfortunate thing to enable as you start a new life with your husband.  The wedding day is the beginning of a marriage and if on the first day of your marriage they get their way then they will continue to think that in the future, big issue or small, whether it be the school your kid goes to or just which jolly jumper you get them, they will still think that hissy fit=you bending.

If it doesn't end here, at your wedding day, where does it end?  Not saying that it won't ultimately end down the road if you don't bend on another subject, but you might save yourself some extra aggravation in the future if you set the precedent now.  If you put your foot down they will realize that no longer does hissy fit=their way.  Instead they will learn that hissy fit=aggravation for everyone and you doing what you want anyways.  They will learn that they might as well support you because even if they don't you will do what you want anyways.

If you put your foot down now you might save yourself a battle over a larger issue in the future is all I'm trying to say.

I agree with you that leaving it alone for now is the wisest decision.  Hopefully they will come around.  Just keep planning your wedding the way you like and save as much as possible for it like you said.  A couple months down the road you can revisit it on your terms and say, this is what's happening, I'm sorry you don't agree with it and I would really rather have your support than not have it but FH and I have decided this and WE are willing to pay for our DJ.  I hope you can come to terms with that because it would be nice to have everyone on board for the day but that will have to be your choice now because our minds are made up.

Also you said your parents want the day to be about family and truly meaningful, I totally agree with this statement.  But who is more family to them, you or their nephew?  Who should the day be most meaningful for, the bride or the bride's cousin?


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futureMrsD Posts : 155 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: So sick of it!
Posted: Jul 14, 2008 3:07 PM Go to message in response to: XYZ1

Hi Charlotte,

 

I suggest you give up your dream venue, find one that's smaller and cheaper, and slash your guest list -- the cuts, of course, coming from your parents' list of friends and family.  Tell them that without the $5k they promised, you've unfortunately had to make some tough decisions, and finding a new venue that YOU could afford to pay for was one of them.   

 

I'd also say you're sorry you can no longer accept the $5k that they were so generously promising, but that you feel your wedding is the right time for you to start standing up for yourself and making your own decisions, and remind them that you'll probably make a LOT of decisions in your life that they don't agree with -- but you hope they'll support you through those, even if they've chosen not to support you on this one.

 

Best of luck to you on what is absolutely a horrible situation! 

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myra Posts : 5,550 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: So sick of it!
Posted: Jul 14, 2008 4:31 PM Go to message in response to: Charlotte09

You on July 14: " I have done absolutly nothing about this issue and I am honestly losing sleep and crying and stressing over it."

You, later on July 14: "But I do think that there are better things to fight about than a DJ. . . .For now the issue has been put to rest so I wont have anything to say for a while unless someone else brings it up. . .  . This issue is not the end of my world "

Okaaay, so essentially you've stopped crying and losing sleep over a less-than-earth-shattering issue and just decided to do nothing. Now, you're exactly where you were before, except that you've decided to chill out. If that works for you, fine. The next time you decide to write long, dramatic posts and then do nothing, save us all the trouble, please.

myra at www.classysassyweddings.com

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NJ4Life Posts : 3,358 Registered: 8/10/07
Re: So sick of it!
Posted: Jul 14, 2008 4:36 PM Go to message in response to: Charlotte09

Charlotte I am also pretty confused as to what exactly the problem is. So you get a free DJ...big whoop. I am not really following how this means your parents are "controlling" you. And to compare this to a FREE education b/c your parents would only pay for a specific school is apples to oranges. Im not following.

And Myra is right, if you're going to ask for help and then decide to do nothing, save us the time and shorten your posts....


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futuremrsmason Posts : 239 Registered: 3/21/08
Re: So sick of it!
Posted: Jul 14, 2008 5:28 PM Go to message in response to: NJ4Life

o.wow.

 seriously, does NO ONE remember how it feels to have something not working out as planned? EVER?

And, as a pp said, its not that she equates a DJ with her education. Rather, Charlotte was showing how she understood why the would care about something like THAT vs. something like THIS.

Myra, its called being female. As you are a woman, I should hope that you would know about our emotionalness and mood swings. Also, she was venting. Who of us hasn't vented immediately, and then after a while come to be able to clear their head and work it out? 

Aside from that, she has done what these boards are for. Next time, maybe you should just not waste your time and comment on it. Just a thought... 


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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: So sick of it!
Posted: Jul 14, 2008 5:36 PM Go to message in response to: myra

Dear Myra,

Good catch. Kudos.

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Bride2008 Posts : 3,058 Registered: 3/28/06
Re: So sick of it!
Posted: Jul 14, 2008 6:08 PM Go to message in response to: futuremrsmason

Of course we all know its like to be emotional and get mood swings. We all know how it is when something doesn't go exactly as planned. HOWEVER, you have to be an adult about it. You can't get all worked up and then essentially decide to do nothing about it. This is a pattern with some posters. They whine and cry and vent, then do nothing. Two months later they are doing it again and again.

Charlotte - you said you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. I can see why you would feel that way. But life will be full of times when you are stuck like that. The sooner you start learning to find a better way out of them, other than the path of least resistence, the happier you will be.

"I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." - Billy Crystal, When Harry met Sally 


Message was edited by: Bride2008

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MuffinB Posts : 778 Registered: 7/13/07
Re: So sick of it!
Posted: Jul 14, 2008 6:15 PM Go to message in response to: Bride2008

Bride2008- Ditto! some posters are known to vent, cry, get all worked up about something, post about it then they go back, DELETE all their posts because a few of us gave real, tough love advice that they didn't like. Then, they come back with a new screen name hoping no one will know it's them. Does Twitb sound familiar?

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kelleyiskelley Posts : 11,590 Registered: 7/2/06
Re: So sick of it!
Posted: Jul 14, 2008 7:39 PM Go to message in response to: MuffinB

....and thenthey say "Thank you to those of you who were supportive." Which really means "Thank you to those of you who agreed with me completely." How about a thank you to EVERYONE who posted and took the time to give good advice? I dont understand coming to a board, asking for advice, and then getting bent out of shape and defensive when a whole bunch of ppeople are telling you something similar that you might not want to hear. That doesnt make any sense to me.

Charlotte: basically what a lot of us are telling you is that you cant continue the SAME behavior with your parents and expect different results. It wont happen. YOU have to be the one to change it; and now is the time to do it. Its like losing weight.... the older you are, the harder its going to get. Sounds like you arent quite ready to hear this ADVICE just yet .. and thats okay. Maybe you will realize it in a few years when your parents finally do something that sends you over the edge. But in the meantime, if you ask for advice.. TAKE IT! (or dont) Dont get angry at the people who are giving you what you asked for just because you arent in a place to do anything about it yet.


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Message was edited by: kelleyiskelley

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auntofthebride Posts : 9,354 Registered: 4/2/06
Re: So sick of it!
Posted: Jul 14, 2008 7:58 PM Go to message in response to: kelleyiskelley

Dear Kelley,

She has only recently not been a minor under her parents care. We're talking about an 18-year old.

Explains a lot. "I can't stand up to my parents, yet I still want their money, but also want it all my way."

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,446 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: So sick of it!
Posted: Jul 14, 2008 9:40 PM Go to message in response to: Charlotte09

You've let them control you.  You're continuing to let them control you despite the fact you are getting married.

So when do you grow up?  

My parents are paying for my wedding, I'm fortunate.  They have a say as they are paying, but if that say went against everything in me, I'd tell them to kiss my butt. 


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Charlotte09 Posts : 1,021 Registered: 2/22/08
Re: So sick of it!
Posted: Jul 15, 2008 4:03 AM Go to message in response to: auntofthebride

Auntofthebride, actually I am not 18 years old, but still young at 21. Yes I would like their contribution still, who would not? Like I have said the DJ issue is not something worth loosing $5,000 over, however it still angers me that my parents are insisting I do something that has nothing to do with their money. The DJ is my expense therefore it should be my way.

I apologize for only thanking the supporters as someone pointed out. I asked for advice and therefore I would like to thank everyone who gave advice, this includes those that gave advice that I agree with and those who gave advice that I do not agree with. Sorry I do not have any updates for those who are interested, I am taking some time witht his issue, plus I have been dress shopping and having a great time with that and not wanting to spoil it right this second. If people are interested I can update later on though! Thanks!

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