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Bridesmaid Issue

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DutchBride Posts : 118 Registered: 3/11/08
Bridesmaid Issue
Posted: Jul 6, 2008 12:25 PM

I recently began to choose my wedding party, but I am having an issue now.  One of the bridesmaids I have been friends with for 5 years has recently gotten really shady.  Every time she talks to a new guy she disappears and hardly speaks to me, or anyone else, but when things don't work out she wants my support.  I recently told her that if she wants to hang out, etc. than she has to contact me because every time I contact her she is with this new guy.  She then proceeds to blow up the situation and tell her sister I bitched her out and her sister posts a comment online about it.  She does not say my name directly, but I know it is about our situation.  I'm not sure what the heck to do.  There are quite a few girls I want to include in my bridal party and if things don't get off of the rocks with her, I may have to remove her.  She has been a really great friend, but if she cannot be there for me through this, then how can I expect her to be around at any other time?

What the heck do I do?  Do I just ride it out and see what happens and act civil?  I would take my own advice if I weren't in the situation and filled with 901283 emotions.


* Marijke *

I read once that the ancient Egyptians had fifty words for sand & that the Eskimos has a hundred words for snow. I wish I had a thousand words for love, but all that comes to mind is the way you move against me when you sleep & there are no words for that -Brian Andreas

ohio , july_2010
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Sollie Posts : 24 Registered: 4/4/08
Re: Bridesmaid Issue
Posted: Jul 6, 2008 10:37 PM Go to message in response to: DutchBride

I wish I could help you, but I'm in the same situation. Pretty much exactly.

"The sun warms everything, even while I am far away. Love me faithfully, and know that I am faithful."------Z. Randall Stroope

"You and I collide." ------Howie Day "Collide"

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coastiebride Posts : 1,365 Registered: 3/26/07
Re: Bridesmaid Issue
Posted: Jul 6, 2008 10:44 PM Go to message in response to: Sollie

Im in the same situation, but mine had chosen her new friends since she moved over me. not guys. Im ridding it out for now, i wish she would come around we have known each other for 12 years, but im at the end of my rope! Ride it out for a little bit and see what happens. its really hard to UnBm someone without hurting their feelings. 

Im waiting for mine to get back in a few weeks and ask her whats up and if she still wants to be apart of this, and leave it up to her. At this point i will not be hurt if she backs out!


 Lets not all get caught up in our wedding. Remember we should not only be planning for a our wedding but more so we should be planning for  our marriage. More so then fighting over shades of peach, tuxs, cake flavors and only god knows what else. Because the next morning it is over, guests are gone the flowers have died the cake well lets face it 1/2 of it was tossed out. Cinderella is still a maid, the limo is now a pumpkin And there is life to face ok after wild crazy monkey sex for 7 nights straight, lets not kid out selfs there are priorities After its all gone there's still bills to pay and a job to go back to

Going to the Chapel December 6th 2008

Love is a four-letter word spelled G-I-V-E

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Cortie24 Posts : 27 Registered: 1/7/08
Re: Bridesmaid Issue
Posted: Jul 6, 2008 11:06 PM Go to message in response to: coastiebride

I personally wouldn't simply try to ride it out, but rather attempt to salvage and then strengthen the friendship. If you have been friends with this woman for several years and you value that relationship, reneging on your invite that she join your bridal party will most likely end the relationship. Maybe she is sad about where she is in life (you know, thought she would be married by this point) or something else personal is going on...I'm not trying to excuse her behavior, rather suggesting you maybe try to find out why she is asking the way she is, as this could be helpful.

From everything I have read, it is completely against etiquette to "un-ask" a member of your wedding party. However, if it was me and I tried to work on the relationship, but it ended up being stressful to have her as an attendant, I would tell her I changed my mind, given she had not yet spent any money on anything for it. All just my opinion...take it for what you will :)


"When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." - Billy Crystal, When Harry met Sally

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DutchBride Posts : 118 Registered: 3/11/08
Re: Bridesmaid Issue
Posted: Jul 6, 2008 11:12 PM Go to message in response to: Cortie24

Thank you, ladies.  Your advice is valuable.  :)  I have yet to officially ask anyone, btw.  But I planned on her being one and she expects I am asking, as far as I am aware.  There was never any reason for her to think otherwise until now.

* Marijke *

I read once that the ancient Egyptians had fifty words for sand & that the Eskimos has a hundred words for snow. I wish I had a thousand words for love, but all that comes to mind is the way you move against me when you sleep & there are no words for that -Brian Andreas

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sophiaR Posts : 5 Registered: 6/26/07
Re: Bridesmaid Issue
Posted: Jul 6, 2008 11:45 PM Go to message in response to: DutchBride

That really sucks and I hope that she will stay true to her word and be there for you. I will tell you this, I have a BM that lives in NY thats in my wedding and i've already told her, dont fell like your obligated. I'm also not afraid to have one less BM and an extra GM, sometimes crap happens. Prepare yourself for the worst but expect that it will get better.

Good luck  


"I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear" MLK

sophiaR 

 

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PharmToxGirl Posts : 5,462 Registered: 8/30/07
Re: Bridesmaid Issue
Posted: Jul 7, 2008 12:07 AM Go to message in response to: DutchBride

Well, I'll say it - if you haven't asked her, she's not in the WP.  Just because you expected to ask her and maybe she expects it, it's not a done deal.

You have time.  Do what you can to salvage the relationship if you want.  Do NOT ask her to be in the WP if you are unsure about her and things.

One of my BMs, I've become close to recently.  In fact, b/c of my insanely huge family, I was worried about inviting friends.  She was very aware of this.  When I asked her to be a BM, she said YES! and then laughed and said "Wow, from almost not invited to  a BM."  (I already knew she'd be invited that was a done deal.)

My point is, things change when you least expect it.  I have been engaged for a little over one year.  But who I had always THOUGHT I'd have in my wedding party has changed dramatically.  Two years ago, there were two-three people that I knew I would have in my wedding party.  Those three ladies aren't remotely there.  And one I never even thought of has been my ROCK through all of this.  

So, I don't see that you have an issue at this point, other then whether you try to continue your relationship.  What happens with that should then affect your WP.

Good luck! 


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Charlotte09 Posts : 1,022 Registered: 2/22/08
Re: Bridesmaid Issue
Posted: Jul 7, 2008 12:30 AM Go to message in response to: DutchBride

My FH and I have had to deal with a shady groomsman. He finally dropped out of our lives entirely even though we always welcomed him. So it isnt really an issue for us. He was going to be in the wedding but will not be getting a phone call about tuxes or anything since he does not talk to us anymore and I am sure he understands that. If not he will figure it out.

I would suggest at least picking and asking a maid of honor (obviously not this girl though) so you have someone to plan with. You two can talk about the wedding, gown shopping, and find the bridesmaid dresses or start that process too. Then when it is time for you to really get on the ball with bridesmaids and getting them dresses and such see where you and this girl are at in your friendship. If she is not around then do not ask her, if things are going well then ask her. Honestly though if you are afraid of causing an issue then go ahead and have her in the wedding but do not expect she will be 100% attentive. As long as she is on time to the rehearsal and the wedding and has the correct dress that fits she can still be a bridesmaid even if you two rarely speak around that time.

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Nalamienea Posts : 2,930 Registered: 6/13/08
Re: Bridesmaid Issue
Posted: Jul 7, 2008 8:01 AM Go to message in response to: Charlotte09

I asked my sister to be my  maid of honor, even though she's across the country from me.  She's also my only attendent. Well, I'm like 3 1/2 months out and she hasn't bought her dress, or her plane ticket, or anything.

I tell you this because it is the most stressful thing in my entire wedding planning right now.  Don't put yourself through this kind of stress by asking someone that you don't think will be able to handle the responsibility.  Save yourself! lol


When is my wedding
Wedding Ticker from WhenIsMyWedding.com

www.chrisandsarah2008.net

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kennysoldwife Posts : 3,862 Registered: 4/28/07
Re: Bridesmaid Issue
Posted: Jul 7, 2008 8:14 AM Go to message in response to: DutchBride

You have plenty of time to decide on your wedding party.  If you can salvage the friendship by all means do that.  I wouldn't worry about asking anyone to be a bridesmaid until about 6 months out that way you will know what is going on with her and you don't have the drama of trying to fire a bridesmaid. 


Kenny and Me Perfect Together,  10 years and counting.

 

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Amaryillis Posts : 140 Registered: 6/10/08
Re: Bridesmaid Issue
Posted: Jul 7, 2008 8:33 AM Go to message in response to: DutchBride

I always council my brides to choose wisely and take their time - since you have already asked her and she seems to have changed her mind, the graceful way out of this is to send a lovely card, write note " Dear Blank, I will always cherish the memories of  our friendship.  I look forward to a time when we will be as close as we once were.  Until that time, be well and take care."  Then (this is the hard part for some) do not say another word about her or to her.  Choose an alternate attendant.  Be happy!
Have a blessed day!Cool

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DutchBride Posts : 118 Registered: 3/11/08
Re: Bridesmaid Issue
Posted: Jul 9, 2008 8:37 AM Go to message in response to: Amaryillis

I finally just brought up the whole issue with her (not being a BM, but about the disagreement).  For now, everything has been worked out.  I am waiting a little while to officially ask anyone, though.

* Marijke *

I read once that the ancient Egyptians had fifty words for sand & that the Eskimos has a hundred words for snow. I wish I had a thousand words for love, but all that comes to mind is the way you move against me when you sleep & there are no words for that -Brian Andreas

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